Thank you so much for the people who graced my receptions :)
Aliaa, I really appreciated your thoughts + well wishes, although you couldn't be there in person! I will be seeing you soon!!! :)
It's been roughly close to four months that I have been working in USM. OK, no hiding which so-called APEX uni I am working for anymore. It has also been close to four years that I've been trying to make peace with this fate. I have no desire to be here, yet I am bound for the next 7 years (not even counting from now since I'm still awaiting confirmation.. yes, even after close to four months)
OK so this is going to be yet another depressing entry but where else can I whine away without making everyone around me hate me for spilling all this negative energy??? So be IT. If you would rather not have your day spoilt please close this tab/window right now. Thank you! :)
Honestly I've tried being optimistic about the prospects of serving the government for the RM500K that they spent on my priceless New York education. Trust me, I have. Everyday I wake up and try to see the brighter side of things - like how flexible this job is that it allows me to have the time to do the things that I want! Like the music video I worked on. Or, take as many off record leaves to attend to my creative pursuits..
However from the get go I'm just constantly disappointed with the way things are run here. I just can't comprehend the level (or the lack of) professionalism that they have. People are generally nice but still I'm agitated every single damn day that I have to be here. For instance, they give me a room without a computer. Not that I'm complaining I'd rather be working on my own Mac than the crappy dilapidated PC they would have given me anyway. Then they call me for last minute meetings on the day OF (when I'm barely awake at 8.30am) and make me look bad when I turn up really late in a room full of people. Or when they just 'forget' to inform me of meetings/briefings and when I don't turn up I'm pulled aside and asked in hushed tones why I was absent when I had no inkling of the things that had taken place at all. BODOH GILEEEEEEEEEEEE.
And just last Monday after coming back from a really hectic 2 week break after my wedding, I get a letter dated May 11th for my 'temuduga perlantikan' that is scheduled on May 20th (when I had, long in advance, applied for leave from May 9th to May 20th in the last week of April) AND THEN I get a printed out copy of the subjects that everyone in the film & broadcasting department will be teaching for the coming academic year, and guess what I have to teach? AUDIO PRODUCTION. It doesn't sound as bad because it's called Penerbitan Audio - but I've heard some of the stuff that they have to come up with and the radio programs they come up with are a lot like zaman RTM Tok Kaduk, complete with cheesy music etc... and I have to teach that for the next two semesters. So it's more like RADIO PRODUCTION LA.
Like, awesome right? Not only do I have 0% knowledge in producing radio programmes, I'm not teaching anything remotely close to what I've been studying/practicing for the past 4 years. What a total waste of my qualifications. Macam tu tak payah la susah2 nak belajar filem bodoooooooooh. I can't teach any of the film subjects because the lecturer in charge doesn't want to share his courses. And I think I'll end up teaching something totally random too because as a newbie lecturer I have to teach up to 3.0 courses ke amende ntah. Cam babi pun ade gak. Kalau ada excess of staff and tak cukup benda nak ajar I'm at fault ke?? That you had sent me all the way to New York to one of the best film schools EVER and I come back and you don't give a rat's ass about what I can possibly contribute to the school?
OK breathe. I usually have dizzying headaches when I think too much into it. When I tell my parents I would rather quit and pay them back for the sake of my sanity they say I'm being ungrateful. I honestly don't think I am headed in the direction of these people. Yes, I think they are smart and expert in their fields but nobody wants to talk about making films or have table readings of scripts or whatever. They are interested in analyzing, documenting, etc etc very academic/scholarly driven things. Last few weeks we had a screening of the production projects for the post-grad students. It was 2 days of sheer agony. Each student had to come up with a 20 minute short film project and the lecturers couldn't even be bothered to all be there to evaluate and give constructive feedback. The system is so flawed that I can TELL that the STUDENTS don't really look up to their teachers because they KNOW BETTER. I have to say that some of the points that other senior lecturers have brought up were really valid and substantial but couldn't you have brought those points up waaaaay in the writing process? Now dah terlambat la, they've gone and shot the stuff so macam mana nak tukarrrrr. DUHHHH. I honestly thought I could have picked some decent ones to show at the next Malaysian Shorts but it would be such an embarassment to the school, so NO. Some of them were decent and had potential. If only their supervising lecturers had enough time to guide them through the projects.
I would say the only saving grace is I made friends with some students who are more of my age and we can talk about writing scripts and making movies and money etc. Yang lain tu... I dono. And now that they are on break I am at loss. Here I am again in my room with my feet up my table thinking of what I can do to keep preoccupied for the next few hours until it is time to leave.
I am not an ungrateful bitch. I am thankful that I've been paid (a measly sum considering what I've been offered for my freelance projects) all the way through even if my duties were not crystal clear cut up for me since I started working here. But I just can't GEL with my other colleagues (well maybe except for ONE) and I've even been questioned about things that I've done to establish my name ("Hey, can you take a picture of the music video you shot, with your name in the credit? We need evidence to know that you really did it" -- just because you don't read the news or watch TV I'm being penalized??? WTF)
I'm really tired and I really do want to quit. I really really do!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much I resent having to come here every day... another thing was there was a briefing for the kids to pick their majoring for the coming year. Just imagine how angry I felt when the dean announced that they would provide all the money needed for the students if they wanted to shoot a short/project for any competition in the near future. And I'm like DUDEEEE I CAME TO YOUR OFFICE almost IN FUCKING TEARS asking for some HELP OR SUPPORT for my THESIS IN WHICH I NEEDED TO MAKE TO GRADUATE AND YOU SAID YOUR DEPARTMENT DIDN'T HAVE A SINGLE SEN TO SPARE FOR ME AND NOW YOU SAY THIS!??????????? WTHHHHHHHH
Tu lah dia. This is the damn university that only cares about SHOW SHOW SHOW macam hari tu ada event kat the school and I think so much money was pumped into it... yet there were nobody who bothered to attend it. And then bila orang mintak duit untuk better equipment for the students - ckp takde duit. Bodoh bangang bahalul and everything ELSE.
* cry *
Ya Allah mintak-mintak lah jauhkan perasaan benci yang membuak2 ni. I can't take it anymore and all of this can't possibly be good for my soul. Maybe this is an ujian that I have to take in my stride..
I promise the next entry will be more positive and upbeat!!!!!!
PS/yes and marriage life has been a bliss :) it doesn't feel very much different, but it definitely feels right :)