Tuesday, October 31, 2006

of apprehensiveness.

this would be my fifth, or sixth consecutive blog.
i've lost count.

there are a million things that i should be doing right at this very moment. i need to pack my things, finish writing my graduate applications, study for GRE. but my mind is blocked by a flurry of incohesive thoughts, crippling my ability to think clearly and focus on getting anything done at all.

i start my new, proper job this monday. the office is located along the mother-road of all traffic jams. but it's pretty, with a sprawling creative department bathed in soft glows of attenuated flourescent lights. from the 8th floor, it overlooks the city. a drastic change from the invitingly warm, almost quaint colonial house my old office used to be at. a few weeks ago i was ecstatic about starting a new job, and going back to KL. but now i'm not so sure about it anymore. i haven't a single clue of what copywriters actually do!! this isn't an internship anymore, it's a REAL proper job. for the amount of salary that i will be getting paid for, people will be actually expecting me to do things. there would be no room for errors. no, absolutely NO room for errors at all.

i guess that's why i'm washed with sudden feelings of apprehensiveness. i haven't been home for more than a month, and now i have to move back to KL. as much as i'd like to stay and become a jobless bum forever i can't. life goes on and boy, does the feeling suck now more than ever.

truth be told i'm just scared shitless.

for the past few days i've been longing to talk to someone. not just anyone but that particular person. he's only a phonecall away, and by all means necessary punching in a few numbers isn't an impossible feat. i want to tell him that i'm feeling scared, confused and lost. i want him to tell me that everything would be ok, that i'm only being paranoid over matters that i have no control of, just like he used to.

but i can't. i can't do just that and it's killing me.

i'm making my first solitary drive to KL tomorrow. it's four hours worth of driving, and it's either now or never.