random thoughts.

It is 9am and I can't seem to squash these queasy qualms in my stomach.
I am scared shitless.

On just about everything.

Looking at pictures of friends, acquaintances and random strangers going through 'that' phase in life I wonder if I'm missing out. Eventually I want to be able to be in that realm of holy matrimonial bliss too, but I wonder if I am ready to let go of this. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I don't really know. But I do know for sure that if I just jumped into the bandwagon I wouldn't be able to give it my full attention. And I want to be the best.

Wife, mother, soul mate.

So I'm taking the road less travelled by.

2 more days to the Big Shoot.

If my 4 minute, 16mm black and white silent film looks anywhere near as good as this, I'll lose every single bit of regret I had coming here.

Paula and Patrick have such chemistry it's almost scary.

Now if I can just get back to my storyboards..
Ah, ANTM awaits.

That should take a while.

selamat hari raya. maaf zahir batin.

its 10pm, and almost the end of the hari raya. i've been having classes all long, so i missed the whole raya thing they had at the malaysian consulate earlier this morning.

honestly i thought i would not mind this at all, being alone on hari raya, but it kinda stinks. i'm going to cook myself dinner, watch ANTM, and probably curl into a ball, and cry myself to sleep.

well.
selamat hari raya people.. and maaf zahir batin.

rough and tough love @ think (cafe)

Bethesda Terrace, Central Park - I absolutely cannot wait to shoot here!

Hello.
I haven't exactly had much time to write due to this painful process called 'casting'. It's already painful trying to get professional actors to come audition for your film, it's even more painful when you're trying to get professional actors to come audition for your film for FREE. And dropping by Steve's casting last week, it's amazingly suprising how most of these actors look absolutely NOTHING like their headshots, which make the process altogether just beyond difficult.

SIGH. I have less than 2 weeks before my shoot and nothing is locked down or confirmed. My script's even being revised as I write... it's bad enough that I'm not an American native, its worse that New York is like a big, alien blob of a mess just waiting to swallow me. What better way to get my hands and feet wet I guess - and at the same time discover the goods (Forever21, the Apple store) and bad (more crazy drunkards and homeless people). It's been a tad easier for the last two weekends too.. I mean last week my shoot was an absolute flop but Lindberg said, "clever camera work".. which I found was just weird, but pleasing anyway. And yesterday we shot one film as a group, and everyone was sort of losing steam.. I mean, we met at 9.30am and finished by 12pm! But I went to scout for locations with Steve since I couldn't go back to my apartment.. since my roomate not only had her boyfriend over, but also 4 other guys and 2 girls!!! I was so annoyed because I went up to my apartment to get some cables that I forgot to be able to use the sound rig we checked out yesterday, and my door was locked... and she had told me the night before only two girls were sleeping over, and to my horror all 7 or 8 of them were sprawled on the floor. Even when I got home at 4 everyone was still there, and I really felt like crying because I wish she could have been a bit more sensitive! I couldn't use the bathroom and even praying was awkward!! *sobs* Of course being me I didn't say anything but pulled a long, moody face which I hope gave her a rough idea that I wasn't comfortable with her having all those friends hanging over the apartment.

Since Eirik would be shooting my film I sort of felt obliged to go to his party that night, and it was reaaaaally fun. Lindsay and me took the 1 train to 159th Street, its sort of near Harlem but not really. The streets are wider and it looks a bit dodgy, but his apartment is massive and really, really nice. I got home at around 3am (which surprisingly upset the boyfriend back home) but I thought it was worth taking time out from the apartment where I wouldn't have been able to get any privacy at all.

I really have to get back to my script because I've been at think.cafe for over and hour and my iced mocha is getting diluted and icky tasting. my roomate's boyfriend changed the wireless router in my apartment so now it's not working which just adds to my annoyance, and my macbook has only so little battery power left. Oh! I met Shuraifa and Khatriza, the other Malaysians who go to Steinhardt for buka puasa last Friday night and talked for over 3 hours in Starbucks. I mean its good to meet people out of my class and not be talking about... film. Yeah. I still don't have any plans for Raya this Saturday too.

Sighhhhhhhh.