Monday, November 26, 2007

mondays full of doom and gloom.

"Even if you make the worst film, they won't take you down to a basement and shoot you up!"
Professor Charles Blackwell in location sound class today, regarding the impending evaluations.

And that totally cracked me up, taking away some worrying thoughts driven by ugly, jealous emotions. Honestly sometimes I surprise myself, I say a lot of things about being able to have trust in my boyfriend yet this green eyed envy snake of mine rears its ugly head ever so often, creating unwanted ruckus on otherwise calm waters.

I'm glad that's sorted out, although the question of trust should never be brought up when you're trying to sustain a relationship halfway across the fucking globe.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

rindu.

Last Sunday Daniel called and I got to talk to him and Marie. I've been missing them so much that the whole of last week I had endless dreams of how life used to be back then - the same old faces, the yuppie weekend hang outs...

*SOB*
Rindu ok. RINDU GILE KAT M'SIA..
Ni yang rase cam nak balik rumah ni.

:(

Thursday, November 15, 2007

fading into oblivion.

"Have you read any Malaysian news at all? Did you hear about the protest rally?"

"You mean the perhimpunan haram?"

"Where do you get your news?"

"Er.. utusan.com.my?"

"Utusan Melayu?!?!?"

Erm. OK. So I have been completely OBLIVIOUS about Perhimpunan Bersih which had hundreds of thousands of people romping the streets of KL last Saturday for freedom of fair election. Now, watching clips on Youtube (two different, biased coverages by Al-Jazeera and RTM/TV3) it's almost too shocking a scene... because these people who turned up to show support weren't the minorities but the majority MALAYS.

And here I am living in my little bubble... thinking what an AMAZING documentary that could have been.
Sigh.

Speaking of which, I think I am fading. Fast.


Wednesday, November 07, 2007

the highs and lows.

It has been a week of constant contemplations.

1) Housing rent - $2135.01
2) Digital transfer of 1509 ft of 16mm film - $551.10
3) Total cost of production (food, transportation, miscellaneous) - $1023.10

Watching my footage for the first time was heartbreaking at the very least. I mean I am glad that it was all perfectly exposed and focused, but framing and composition were just beyond my (agitated) comprehension. I'm not even sure if I'll have enough usable material to tell a story! That it costs so damn expensive for a measly four minute short film made me rethink the reason I'm here at all - whether it is really worth spending all this money and having to persistently rely on my parents for extra cast to be able to have a place to sleep and come home to, when I can't even perform my very best. It's so disheartening, this feeling - like I've been a complete (and extremely expensive) failure.

I look at pictures of people within that exclusive circle and can't help but wish that I was still back in there, trying to make something out of myself. It's weird how I've been having dreams of going home and going back to that job, meeting my old boss and sitting at my old desk with that ratty old computer, stressing over the mountain load of work (that I secretly enjoyed - 'now that is the creative challenge!' the Queen B of my Art Director used to say) It wasn't THAT bad... I mean I was getting a good raise, had great colleagues at last (after 2 months of solitary lunches) and what could have been better than to be with my boyfriend in his studio for hours at once, for the solid excuse of (professional) work?

Sigh.

Amidst all those thoughts, the day became better when Leo, Steve, Lindsay and Eirik came over and asked me to come along for an early dinner, and since Steve had been prodding on about having an all American breakfast, we decided over Washington Square Diner - where I had the best pancakes EVER (with a side order of scrambled eggs and turkey bacon!!) On the way for more drinks at Applebar we stumbled upon this bus which was modelled like a quaint cottage, with wooden panellings and was playing weird folklore music. I was completely at unease, dubious of the people in the bus who were preaching about unity and peace and everyone living in absolute harmony... if you've ever watched M. Night Shyamalan's 'The Village', well that's how those people looked (and behaved, and talked) like. A few more rounds at Applebar and a half-drunk Mr. John Tintori the Chair coming over to proclaim, "Oh, that four minute film, it's such a stupid exercise we make you guys do, with both hands tied!" I was stuffed, tired, and not overly happy but not as depressed (or comtemplative) as before.

Sigh.
That aside, I miss him so, very very much at this point. I honestly don't know what I would do without him right now - it really doesn't matter anymore that he's halfway across the world in a different time zone and space. For him to be able to just sit and listen to me cry and whine about how I thought the world was coming to an end because my footage sucked, and ramble nonsensical about wanting to just pack up and go home at 4 o'clock in the morning (his time) after a long, stressful day at work without flinching or stifling a yawn - he is everything that I could ever ask for, and more.

"Gondry says hi!"
and how could I possibly not crack a stupid grin.

Now if I can only scrap enough money watch Broken Social Scene live at the Webster Hall next week, life wouldn't be as half miserable as it already is.
And if only is he was here to come with me, life could be at least half tolerable.



Sunday, November 04, 2007

life and everything else.

Ok, so it has been a while, but it has been two depressing weeks of standing in the cold, freezing My ass off for a good 12 hours being being insulted, ridiculed, made to do 10 gazillion things simultaneously, AND expected not to be pissy/pms-y/passive-aggressive.

Oh and my shoot went fantabulously UNORGANIZED thanks to:
1) me not being able to finish storyboarding because i was too busy shading and making my drawings look pretty as opposed to actually locking down important key moments/frames
2) having a person who regales in tactlessness, self indulgence and absolute IGNORANCE as a camera assistant
3) the lack of proper scheduling skills

On top of that, everything else is just downright depressing. this whole production period has been so utterly depressing and traumatizing that even the first attempted racial assault I encountered (while walking back home from dinner in absolute tears because it had been such a horrible, horrible day and i had to be reminded about what I was missing with the very public display of affection between a crewmate and his visiting girlfriend) didn't even make me bat a single eyelash.

Other than that, I have learnt how to entertain myself in long, boring subway train rides (because they're all underground, there isn't much of a window to look out at to get lost in happy, cheery thoughts). Making funny faces at other people's kids, observing how New Yorkers dress to get it down to a pat (black, black and black) and of course, bitching silly with Steve and Lindsay.

I also had a girl in a mohawk of shocking pink and blonde yelling in defense for me when a man wouldn't budge when i was about to get off the train, even after I'd mumbled countless of "excuse me"s. She pushed him off the train and shoved me gently on my way, and screamed to him, "Move you useless bugger, what are you, fucking racist?!" so loudly that her voice practically echoed in the walls of the 42nd st MTA station.

Ah, Gotham City. 2 months and a half, I'm beginning to fall in love.
(Yes, even after witnessing my first drug deal in Washington Square Park)