I love...

Distracting myself from work that should be done, and done immediately.

//
It's been a tiring day, but a better one than yesterday. The 3-hour shouting match across continents last night has left me feeling weary, and hateful of my ignorant self. I must learn not to be so overly complex in character - up to the point that I hurt the one I care about the most, by hurling countless accusations on the basis of nothing just to feel better about myself. It's terrifying, how emotionally dependent I have become towards him - but it's even more terrifying actually, realizing what a heartless person I have turned into.

But enough of wallowing in self-pity - of wasting time analyzing bygones.
The trick is to move on, and hope that in time, maturity will set its foot and things will better in the future.

//
"But what if there isn't another month, or another year?"
"Why talk about death, when you can talk about life? Why waste time in talking in the uncertain, in things that we have no control of?"

//
Eventhough there's like a gazillion of actors in New York, only a handful are really talented, and capable of bringing your characters to life. If there is a more tiring/stressful part in filmmaking, it would be casting. My classmates go through rounds and rounds of auditions just to meet the perfect actors. I don't think I've ever been that ambitious.. mainly because I was lazy (I guess that's the Melayu in me...) But with this script where the stakes are higher - I've been tirelessly searching for good actors.

My first round was a complete disaster - none of them even looked the part, or were even close to the age. It's funny how all these people have their headshots photoshopped to death, and when you see them in person they look nothing like their pictures! But today was better. And I'm liking one actress a lot... but I'm not too sure. I haven't found my Kurt yet (he's the hipster boy in my script). I only met two actors... and one of them is just too super cute but completely inexperienced, and one of them is a Tisch undergrad in the drama department who's not so pretty looking... ergh. I don't know what I should do!!!
Sigh.

I. hate. casting.

//
"Well here's what I imagined when I talk to JFranc*... I would be in the elevator, and he would ask me, 'you're a second year, right?' and I would say, 'yes..' and he'd go, 'where are you from?' and i'd answer, 'Malaysia.. do you know where that is?' "
And then she says,
"For me, he'd come up to me, asking, 'you're Chloe, right?' and I'd go, 'And.. you're James?'"
so
//
so silly.

*nama samaran
The cat is curled up on my bed, and thank goodness she is here. We fall asleep together in the dark. In these cold, wintery nights, her steady breathing and soft grey/blue furcoat against my cheek are my only sources of comfort.

Hmm...

I think it's the weirdest feeling ever, reading a blog of someone who's just passed away.


//
To you.

I do not wish to know you anymore.

Saya sedang mengalami...

depressi yang hebat sampai pening.

La la la

First, I'm severely depressed over my ever evolving script.
I feel that every time I see Mick (my writing teacher) it becomes a story so different from the one I want to tell.

Second, things are getting pretty intense, with classes done and over with, and everyone finally shifting into production mode. And thanks to my over-zealousness of wanting to DP two films, I'll be missing We Are Scientists/Smashing Pumpkins/Coldplay *sigh*

Third, it'll only cost me 1/8th of my budget to fly my boyfriend here to work on my set as the sound mixer. Since no one's filled that position on my crew, and now that I have some extra money for not shooting 16mm (sobs)... I'm really tempted.

Fourth, I'm sorry I've been so out of touch with everyone, I seem to be updating my FB status frequently but not writing back on your walls. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, but I do want everyone to know that I have ALL of you very near at heart (cewah perasan gile kan hihihi but I DO MISS YOU GUYS. LOTS!! sini takde sape nak temankan pegi gigs. or tengok b-grade horror films. dah la tak dapat tengok KAMI. Eida weih takdak pun kat youtube :( )

Fifth, at this moment I'm keeping myself happy by entertaining a certain thought. Of a nice one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment, making enough money to buy my own happy place back home, and of course, having my better half here with me. Just a thought, but a pleasant one. Especially when he's into talking about the possibilities of our GMP. Which we ditched when we had an almost break-up last May. Bbbbuttt.. I think I should know better than to hope against hope and then get disappointed.

Sixth, I am hating the changing weather, but surprisingly, it's not bothering me as much as it did last year. It just means no more early morning showers.

Seventh, I absolutely loved Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It's super cheesy but it's made by NYU Grad Film Alum Peter Sollett on a USD9m budget and is making USD26m and counting... and he was supposed to be my writing teacher last two semesters, too. But he had to go make this movie which is making millions. Of course it took him 6 years to get to that point.

Eighth, I found another bubble tea place with superscrumptious almond flavoured milk tea. It's along St Mark's and Jay thought I could use a little perk me up so he brought me there and bought me bubble tea.

Ninth, on the way back from St Mark's after bubble tea and Chipotle I bumped into Agyness Deyn. She's definitely not that super hot, she looks almost average. Poor skin, and super fake peroxide blond hair.

Tenth, I'm tired and I want to watch Grey's Anatomy. Did anyone watch Ampang Medikal on youtube? Sampai nak copy cat the theme song!! And then I read something about a Heroes rip-off, too. Why la why?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? GAH.

Eleventh, Elina from ANTM is starting to irk me.

I can't think of a twelfth so I'm going to leave it to that. Have a nice week, people. And be GOOD!!!
XOXO (cam gossip girl plak)

OKbai.

Dear mouth,

You are so effing BIG and LOUD sometimes.
Don't you know when to stop pushing it?

GOD.
Now look what you've done.
You've made my boyfriend sad.

And it's all your FAULT!!!

:(

:(

Next time I am going to staple you shut if you ever pull something like this again.
You hear me!?!

I want...

A kitchen with an island. TOO.

But I'll have a kitchen not with just AN ISLAND, but with a grinder and a shiny metal hood. AND A STAINLESS STEEL FRIDGE WITH DOUBLE DOORS.

And a wall to wall bookshelf.
So there.

Because my boyfriend said I could.
HMPHH.

Bad, happy everything day lah.

The cat that's been taking over my bed, the pretentious book I try to read on the L, the caramel coated popcorn and peanuts I'm semi-obsessed with (that, and sushi).

Turned up at Abel Cinetech in the W Village for a camera test that's scheduled next week (I AM SUCH A DOOFUS), tripped on my way to school, and now I'm probably not sleeping until tomorrow morning because I haven't rewritten my script to workshop in class tomorrow.

SWEET.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!@!#$H!@$H!~$H!H$H!$H!$
IJUSTWANNAWATCHPROJECTRUNWAY!@#!#!@#!#!!!!!

"I just wanna eat, sleep and have sex." - Kim (on the way to Union Square)

OK bai.
PS/ I know it's you Kat! :P I nak sangat almond bubble tea :( But I don't have the time :( Esok I kelas 10-10!!! :( :( :(

Honestly..

I don't know what's wrong with me, even my boyfriend can't fathom what it is that is making me lose interest in school, or life in general. I'm so tired all the time when I've gotten more than enough sleep, I purposely come hours late for classes (or miss them altogether), I'm sick of even thinking about my second year film although it's still three months away into production...

Well in short I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with school.
Ugh. I need a vacation.

Or a Marc watch.

* * * * *
Here's the rape scene in which my teacher described as, "tame." And I had a feeling my classmates would say that the shots were "gorgeous" (because they're blind and love lazy, malas, unsteady shit) although it's just me balancing a Panasonic HVX, built with a 35mm adapter and Nikon (still camera) zoom lens without a tripod... and screwing around with party gels (Matt's, this time)... I can't do it, I can't do handheld shots camera to save my life...

BOO ME! *SOBS*



I'm tired of film school/talk.
I wanna go ice-skating. Or something. Anything.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Selamat (Belated) Hari Raya & Maaf Zahir Batin!

Ugh, I've been terrible. I didn't wish any of you pun... Sorry!!! Honestly, I didn't have the time... I've also been down with the flu, and missed two whole days of classes... (which I've never, hardly, ever done) But, this year I made sure I went to the CG so I'd have a chance at the raya spread of food (and photo op) joy...

Other than that, I have been depressed with the goings on of pre-production, and classes. I'm tired! I feel like I can't be bothered anymore. All I want to do is just lay in bed and watch one tv series after the other.

But I am loving my (new) leather boots, camera tests, hanging out with M & C (all though their constant fighting is starting to get on my NERVES!!!) and super attentive, super sweet boyfriend.

\\re-edit
Oh, and everyone, please watch 8tv's Ghost. Is Ng Ping Ho a genius, or is he a GENIUS!??! (mad props to the scriptwriter!) It was like, curveballs flying all around. Stayed up til 4am just to finish watching the entire series!! IT'S SO SUPER! AND IT'S MALAYSIAN!!! (thank you, dzof!) :)

OK enough rambling. Tomorrow I shoot my rape scene with M & C!!
MWAHS people. Enjoy rendang while you still can!

PS/ I really do have to stop sounding like a bumbling idiot when I write.