winterim reading #un

http://voize.my/events/arts-culture/yasmin%E2%80%99s-reluctant-critic-%E2%80%93-a-tribute-by-mansor

Now this, this is a joke of a person.
I aspire never to become him.

winter blues #3

It's funny how the universe works.
It's bizarre how opportunity presents itself when you're hitting rock bottom.

I could be broke. I could be a complete failure at school. I could be terminally ill, or bed-ridden. There could be so many other things that I could be... but because I get to wake up every morning and feel fine, and am able to walk and run and live my life the way I want to, I could potentially... be happy. In so many other ways than not.

And for that, carpe diem, I say.

winter blues #2

Gosh, I need to fucking CHILL already.

winter blues #1

7AM/Sunday on the way to shoot a Sunday mass for this documentary I'm working on. After all the jebus overload I fell asleep during the sermon... what kind of doc shooter sleeps on the job?! The pastor wasn't pissed... he just said, "Bless you documentary people! May God Bless you!"

Amidst working 5 days last week, I managed to catch Avatar 3D and The Lovely Bones... can't say which one I liked better though. But I've been watching a lot of BTS: Avatar on youtube and I'm really liking this performance capture technology thing I'm seeing. It's uber cool. Even all the live action stuff was in 3D.. it was cool.

I've gotten so bloody boring, I know.
Can't wait for the year to be over though... I'm ready for a blank slate.




To you.

First, I'm sorry. I have been an ignorant, selfish person.
I just thought that maybe, your life would be easier, and you would be much happier if I slipped away..

I guess I was wrong.
Can we be friends again?

winter B/R/E/A/K

made a week and a half after my heart got broken. to bits and pieces. having a thing with film roll outs.

..

where is Brooke when I need her?
place a marble in one hand..


:(

lesson: numero uno

an avalanche of swirling thoughts.

place a marble in one hand, close your eyes and both your hands.
hold them tight, and concentrate on both at once - the one hand with, and the other without.

break the avalanche of swirling thoughts.
now, breathe.

and move on.

Woke up this morning feeling absolutely-

SHITTY.

And now I'm at work, shaking my leg while waiting digitizing sctuff AND watching one video after the next...





I mean, come on, how can you not absolutely love them?


It really, really, really sucks when you find good music and don't have anyone to share it with anymore.

:(

My current love.

THE XX.

Back from the dead.

Day 3 of No More Tears.
I had a wonderful weekend - Friday with friends, frozen yogurt by the ounce at St. Mark's, a trip to the village psychic (I'll save the story for another day..) Lazy Saturday and Sunday of nothingness... plus a weird phone call which has left the door open. Again.

But I'm not going to sit and wait.
I'm not.

On another note, to those of you in Malaysia, watch the new season of Blogger Boy on 8tv every Thursday at 9.30pm!!! I'm so excited... even if I do have this last script pending completion, and can't watch it from here... so you guys should watch it and tell me if I can write comedies for shits.. hohoho.

OVER and OUT.

It's the End.

It's done.

Thirty one months.
I've done everything within my capacity to love you.
But perhaps this was never meant to be.



I wish you well.

While I collect my thoughts and pick up pieces of myself, I shall be away.

Be good, lovers.

I wish..

I wish I could tell you what it felt like to be in a sea of 42 000 runners.
How another way you could join the marathon would be by running for charity... which is what a lot of people tend to do.
How cold it was this morning, but how happy people were that it was that cold because it was ideal weather.
How amazing the view is when you start off from Fort Wadsworth..
How this could... someday, be possible for you too.













I miss you so much :(

YOYO

A yo-yo of emotions, yes.
I don't know if I'm OK.
It's been 4 days and I've been shut off completely.

Really, do I really not mean anything more to you?

:(

I'm hoping my first paid videographer gig ($350 for a 7 hour job) at the ING NYC marathon will at least give me some distraction, or self fulfillment. Then I am going to buy that Marc for Marc Jacobs bag, and feel SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS.

:)

Yes, I do believe in seeking strength from the Almighty.

When everything else seems to have fallen apart, new things in good forms appear..
Never underestimate the power of prayers, or doa...

I am a happy bunny today!!!
HAPPY.

This storm shall pass, I know it will. Slowly, but surely.

Thank you.

You've really, really hurt me.

Tears.

I really want to cry... and feel something.

But I can't seem to emote..

:(

Did you know that when you lay your head sideways in a bathtub, you hear rushing water against your ear. You can almost pretend that you have your eyes closed while the plane is preparing for take off.

And then you're back home, and everything's fine, just stick those band-aids on the broken bits and everything's back to normal and everything is fine again.

Then when the water suddenly starts rushing up and you realize your face is halfway submerged in water and if you don't wake up, don't get up, although you want to lie down in the bathtub and pretend that you're not here, halfway across the world but you're back home and you're near the one you really love and everything is okay you have to bring yourself up before water starts filling through your ears and sting your eyes and clog your nose and you can't breathe and then you rise you choke and then the truth of the reality hits you like a sharp plasma beam -

That this hurts so, so much.
And you can't do anything about it.

:(

I've had a really bad morning, a really bad week, a really bad MONTH.
I am so overwhelmed with work.

But here I am digging my own grave... I don't know why I keep on doing this. I don't know why I like to put the one thing that's going good for me in complete jeopardy. Sometimes I wonder why I even do the things I do... and say the things I say... I can be so, so thoughtless sometimes.

I HATE IT!
:(

What the fuck am I doing? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE?? Gosh I've been depressed before but it's going from bad to worse. From unloading my problems to my boss, my teacher, anyone... then I tell myself, well, I'll give myself time to unwind, I'll try to breathe, watch some mindless tv, sleep a lot.. and then still feel horrible after all that, that it makes me really, really angry. Then when I'm feeling down in the dumps I drag him along with me... bringing up things that don't make any sense, demanding that he be extra attentive and sensitive to my needs, and now when he's had enough and tells me he can't take it anymore, I'm the one on the losing end. Life is so unfair... why must it be so good at one point and be so horrible at another??? :(

I just want to cry and sleep and forget about everything.. and then there's all this other shit to do.. like, school and work and my body feeling like crap because I haven't exactly taken the time to take care of myself... It's like I already have all this shit to think about, and now it's eating up into my relationship, and it's so ridicuuloooouuuuuuuuuuuuuussss that he would think of something so harsh like breaking up.. I mean like... just two days ago we were perfectly happy and he says he loves me and can't wait for me to come back for good and sends me pictures of our cat and says things like he wishes I was home and now it's like, well, "I don't really love you so much right now because you're being ridiculous and don't make any sense.." WELL MAYBE I AM BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH... ? Through the good and bad times???

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSS
This fucking sucks. Tell me that a chemical imbalance in your body makes you say things like, "I hate you" or "I'm going to throw myself in front of a car and then I'll be dead and then you'll be happy"

:(

my weekend in a nutshell.

Hari Sabtu: main-main camera kat sekolah.
Malam Sabtu: first pegi tengok WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (where my Jap-Polish classmate, after walking around like proclaiming, "I'm an Asian THUG!" around Times Square got teary eyed... "I got daddy issues, ok!?" ) lepas tu main-main tangkap gambar dengan kawan-kawan kat party (my favorite Norwegian couple)
Hari Ahad: termenung depan komputer pasal takde idea lepas tu amek video kucing rumet



OMG why am I running out of ideas when I need them the most?!?
I've been so uninspired of late...

:(

BOOOO!!!!
OK while I'm on the subject.
I understand all the hype that's surrounding WTWTA - unfortunately I found myself being in and out of it at times. There's no narrative structure, but a lot of unknowingly real, touching emotional beats. Maybe if I had grown up reading the book the movie would have had a bigger impact on me. After all, it's an adult's children movie. HOWEVER, Max Record is an amazing kid actor! You know when you're a kid, and sometimes your older brother or sister or mom or dad kid around with you, and you're laughing until it gets too far then you realize you're crying because they've stepped over the line and you get really, really upset... or the times that you get really, really angry because of something (well I got angry once when I was younger for missing my favourite Jap tv show Mario Attack.. ) and you're not in a position of power where you can slap/hit/bite that person you're angry at, and you roar and rant and trash something (in my case a flower vase?) Well yeah. This movie will remind you just of those moments... but of course, the Wild Things were adorable and scary at the same time, and the ending quite a tearjerker... I must say...

Antichrist this Friday next!!!

I WISHHHHH..

DAMNIT!! I WISH I COULD WRITE LIKE THOSE WRITERS ON GREY'S... NOT JUST ON AUTO-PILOT OR FOR THE SAKE OF FRICKIN FINISHING SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGG

I JUST EMAILED EPISODE 24 AND GOOD LORD IT WAS AWFULLLLLLL WORST THAN THE LAST. I THINK I'LL GET FIRED SOON FOR A) BEING SO FRICKIN TARDY AND B) BEING SOOO FRICKIN UNTALENTED!!!!!

Ra-ra-ra-rantings!

Ergh, it's Friday. Already? WTF?
I should be excited. I told myself I'd go watch Where the Wild Things Are and New York, I Love You if things went well. Well, of course things never go as you plan!! Major accomplishment = finished the first draft of my thesis script, which my class hated!!! Now I have to go through a major rewrite by MONDAY... and find actors who'd be willing to be cast for my table reading. It really kind of sucks for the actors because it's not a real audition, it's just a freakin table reading where you sit and read lines from the script. Aaaaaaaargh. I don't know. And then I have that 30 sec commercial spot I've yet to finalize... all in all this really sucks. Some people in my class were also trying to refine their feature film script drafts to submit for the Sundance Lab, but I can't... I can't take that on, not right now :(

AAAAAAAARHHHH THIS IS ALL SO OVERWHELMINGGGGGG

What is up with the weather? Everytime the temperature drops I feel like I'm getting a fever... last week it was fine, it was gradually dropping but today it's like 7 celcius... I desperately need an in-between jacket because now I'm just layering my ratty 2 year old sweater with different thin blazers which really don't help with the chills. I can't use my winter jacket just yet because I'll look like a ridiculous eskimo in Fall... FML. But today's paycheck day ---- surprisingly more than I thought I would get, but that's going into my commercial shoot funds... :( can life get any more complicated than this??

and I'm struggling to finish this BB script... I'm not as inspired to write for it anymore, especially when I have other legit things to do, and especially when it feels like I'm back in advertising all over again... minus the fun parts when I'd come in to work in the morning, only to be greeted with chocolates, pastries, cookies and random whatnots on my desk as bribery to get my work done in time for deadlines (by the suits... sometimes they'd bribe me with free indoor parking for a week... which was sweet, considering it was RM5 to park on that plot of land on Jalan P. Ramlee..) BUT NOW IT'S LIKE HEY! I HAVEN'T BEEN PAID FOR THE PAST 80 PAGES I've written, and you're breathing down my neck for the next 20? :( Sobs OK I'm complaining :( I know I shouldn't be, I mean it is a great opportunity of getting one foot in the door... right? Right? Right.......??????

OMG I AM RANTING SO MUCH.
I figure that I have to rant as much as possible before the next time I talk to my boyfriend, so he'll be spared of my incessant whinings, boo (I mean like, what are boyfriends for, right?) But hey yeah, I should learn how to be more optimistic about things even if I feel that my back is about to break and that my arms are falling off, or how I don't ever get enough sleep... and the list goes on.

OVER AND OUT Y'ALL.

Procrastinating..

Ah, the cutest actors are always the worst!

Fact #1

I REALLY LOVE GREY'S ANATOMY.
I don't care what you think, the writing is so good.

Pandora is Love

Last Friday was perfect, Pandora, rainy morning, nothing to do at work, Indian lunch with a new friend/colleague. Then the weekend came; laundry + grocery + afternoon nap + night in + long silly conversation with the boyfriend over skype = my ideal Saturday! Sunday was spent in the sound stage at school for a master class session with DP Fred Elmes , tea of bubur pulut hitam (my current obsession!) with Nadi & friend before rushing off to Chloe's for oxtail stew and corn bread over Family Guy...

It was a good weekend, absolutely.
Did I get any work done?
HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA@#("@!($)$@)$!)!)!)!!)!)!#(!_#_!#)_#)

I find myself skipping my Monday afternoon class and evening work shift at the library on the pretext of -
A) feeling unwell (like Monday last week, and the week before, and the week before the week before)
B) needing to go home and finish writing this freaking thesis script..

But fell asleep instead!

EPIC FAIL.
Maybe all I need is motivation. OK, if this week goes smoothly I am rewarding myself with -
A) Where The Wild Things Are
B) New York, I Love You

Now off to write..

So tired.

Only one month into school and I'm so, so so tired.
Who knew having three jobs (tech-assisting, videographer-ing, and freelance screenwriting) could suck so much? Especially when my meager pay can't pay for a decent pair of boots.

:(

Cinemanila 2009- DECLINED

5 rejections in a row..

:(

HAPPY HAPPY!!

OK OK just wanted to write this down before I lose my enthusiasm..
After having not much sleep, sprinting like an idiot to Spike's class today, losing breath, thinking that his class wasn't AS super amazing as I thought it would be - of course it just became THE MOST CRAZY AMAZING CLASS EVER after CLIVE OWEN walks into the room, and everyone starts freaking out because we had just watched 10 minutes into Inside Man (and was groaning when Spike said to stop playing the DVD and the lights came back on)

I'm not much of a fangirl but if there was a Hollywood actor that I would ever imagine working with, it would be him. I mean, I'm sure most people have seen Children of Men (freaking genius) and Closer (... sigh. HOT) and for someone who doesn't EVER ask questions in class, I made up some silly questions just so I could talk to him... lame ass, I know, but I really didn't care.

Then in camera class I got to play around with the RED and that was cool.. and then I came home to a nice fat check from my insurance company as compensation for the broken LCD screen monitor of my 15' MacBookPro...

One of those rare, sweeeeeet days :)

SHOUTOUT TO EIDA!! SORRY WEIH.. AKU BUSY.. bukan sengaja nak lupa kat hang... selamat hari rayaa!!!! MWAHMWAH I WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU SOON K?? XOXO

Le sigh.

Ugh, blogger makes my pictures look really bad!
I'm so tired of being stressed out about random school (bureaucracy).
I should have been writing my script since I got back, but I spent 2 hours making dinner and watching 90210, and another 3 hours at Matt's listening to random music and talking shit about people.

OK time to sleep.

Hrrrrrmmms..

I don't know, things like these - make me really angry sometimes. That's a whole load of money to blow off on a really silly film with a bunch of non-trained actors, takat muka boleh pakai, AF has-beens... I don't mind horror films but I absolutely loathe ones that insult the intelligence of average movie-goers.

I had the most amazing awesome commercial class this morning, and an even more amazing directing the actor class with this former Oscar winning actress later in the afternoon. She was such a beautiful, beautiful woman before this happened. But she was still charismatically amazing, nevertheless!!!

Random post kucing!

It's end of Sunday.. already?!?! YE KE?!?!

Here is my super big room in my really nice apartment in Bushwick, Brooklyn. My roommate's home so I can't go out and take pictures of the living room, kitchen and her really adorable fat cat, Monk. Maybe next week when I have the time I'll go around and take pictures of the lovely Puerto Rican (I believe, but I could honestly be wrong) neighborhood I live in.

Anyway, what happened to my weekend?!!?
Shaitz.

First week of my last year in school, pretty boring generic random stuff. I had my first day at work here too, last Friday. I thought I could come in and just chill but I had to like, make an inventory and run errands, and erm, stuff. Well I guess I can't sit on my ass and expect to be paid now (not anymore)

MMMM OTHER THAN THAAAAT, this is my favourite hands down for now, I'm not really crazy about KJ or his antics but dia ni macam boleh jadik pelakon lah. Lawak ok.




OMG RAYA IS NEXT WEEK.
Oh I'm also watching Talentime in spurts now. It's not as interesting as I thought it would be. Although, I can't help but feel really, really sad watching it, it reminds me of how Yasmin isn't here anymore. Al-Fatihah!

Note to self: Malaysian Alcatraz - Pulau Jerejak

PS/OK soalan perasan sekarang -- I think I know those who read what I write, tapi korang yang lain ni dari mane... I'm curious. Tapi kalau tak nak bagitau takpe. Tak kisah. Gedik nak tau je.

Another rejection.. really?

Was the last film I made really THAT bad.. ?

:(

summer is over...

Crap, I don't get it.
I don't know you, I don't want to know you, but I see you in my dreams ALL THE TIME. I know I'm not supposed to be superstitious or take anything as signs but this is getting too creepy, even for me. STOP STOP APPEARING IN MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

summer update #15

Well, summer will be officially over for me tomorrow.
Hey ho! I got two new jobs at school. Hoping that I will max the 20 hour work limit. So I can save some dough to make a moooovie. Or, buy an apartment. Or, pay my DEBT. Or, splurge on a MARC JACOBS BAG.

On the other hand I didn't write crap for my thesis film.. which is due tomorrow!! HAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!@$#$@#$@#!!@#!@#!@#!@$%$^%^&%^


OK over and OUT.

SO ANNOYEEEEEEEEEED

Ergh ergh I need to rant I'm soooo hating school right now.... hate hate hate hate hate hate hate... memang diorang racist tak suka orang Malaysia! Tak suka internationals.. ERGHHHHHH benci benci racist sial nak mampus benci benci benci benci benci benci benciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I AM SO DONE WITH YOU FUCKING NYU!

summer update #14

So far it's been a really blessed Ramadhan week!
Been buka-puasa-ing with friends, free food galore over Friday and Saturday - all I have to say is alhammmmdullilllaaaaaahhh.

Other than that I'm up rewriting Ep7. Hari tu termimpi jumpa Budi. Haaaaaih. It's almost taking over my life... and I have to submit my thesis script this Friday...

I'm thinking whether I should buy tickets to Kings of Convenience. And Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Mmmm. Thinking.

rest in peace, my baby.

Bye sweetheart. You kept me warm through winter nights, and kept me company during bouts of loneliness.

It kills me knowing how you passed on - it kills me knowing that the only way to stop your suffering was to put you to sleep. It kills me knowing that I'll no longer be able to breathe in your beautiful coat of blue-grey fur, lovingly bite your soft pink paws, and play fetch with crumpled balls of paper with you...

Psyang, I love you, and will always miss you.

:(

:(

summer update #13

Absolutely craving for this.

:(

summer update #12

I guess it really helps, when you seem to be on a permanent (emotional) roller coaster ride, to be with someone who doesn't hold grudges, is forgiving and understanding about your need to act like a total loony bin sometimes.

What a way to start the day! A google conversation with a filmmaker who's actually made it!
Ah, he seems to have a plushy life. So there must be hope!

Note to self: STOP VEGETATING!

summer update #11

I'm riding the subway lines and aaaaaargh I can't snap out of this weird... daze I'm in.
Like crap, I'm really back in stinking New York!!!

I don't know whether to be happy or joyous or sad or whatever.

The 21 + hour flight was treacherous as expected, food was awful, my cab driver totally ripped me off, but I got to walk into the uber cool white tunnel in the Mode office set (of Ugly Betty). I'm back in Bushwick thanks to my dearest Chloe who left keys to her apartment, and let me vegetate in her cosy room with A/C while she's away in Beijing..

Anyhoo, I think I found myself an apartment! It's really really nice. It's in Bushwick still, but I've got MY OWN FREAKIN ROOM WITH A DOOR, so I'm happy!!! So last Friday was the first time meeting my future roommate Amy after all that corresponding through facebook - she is ultra cool, super selamba and unlike any other Mat Sallehs I've met. And better still, she has a tv which she'll bring and told me I could use whenever. But best of all - she has the WII!!!

I watched two amazing films over the week.. well ok 3 if you count the one on free streaming. I'll write more later.
Oh, so I've also got a new job! So I wrote two episodes for this show (and almost died in the process.. here I am trying to pack to leave to New York and staying up the night trying to finish the re-writes.. ) thinking that they would never ask me to write again (the last revisions I sent in, honest to GOD I wrote while in a semi-comatose state... couldn't even make out what rubbish I was typing out on my dad's tiny netbook in the dark) but weirdly enough I'm being asked to write more. Well I guess my film is taking a backseat for now... and I'll just get all gelabah when I have a table reading in.. less than 12 weeks from now (ok that doesn't sound so bad.. if I can dish out 40 pages in a week, how hard could 8 pages be?!! ERGH. I'm just trying to make myself feel better here... after all the procrastination over the summer)

Blah blah blah melalut betul. I'm really starting to sound self-indulgent here.
I hate goodbyes! I hated frantically looking for you from below, knowing it's the last time you'd be there right in front of my eyes until I get to see you again --- but weirdly enough you suddenly said you can't wait for me to be back so we can jump on the bandwagon and be part of that elusive/exclusive club.. :P

OK OK bai.

summer update #10

LIFE REALLY SUCKS!
I KNEW ONE THING OR THE OTHER WOULD SCREW ME OVER!


guess I'm staying at the airport for the week...... :(

summer update #9

I've had a rather splendid week.

Thank you, God.

summer update #8

See, bila depressed, mula lah idea mencurah2. Time time tak betul pulak tu.

Ade ke Adem call me INA NAIM!?!!!!

"You ni mcm forward thinking woman.. tapi bila hal boyfriend, terus jadi 'Bang, Ina mintak maaf bang, Ina tak buat lagi, Ina janji bang! Ina nak abang balik... Ina buat ape je abang nak Ina buat.."

SIOT!







PS/ Ni baru je spec script show dah nak menggelabah tak tentu pasal. ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

summer update #7

Mengadap MacBook Pro, sipping Caramel Macchiato Starbucks 13 ringgit, listening to Yuna, overlooking Jambatan Pulau Pinang, pakai baju kotak, outline series bertaburan atas meja..

Prententious..
Yang.
AMAT.

Nak layan emo...
:(

summer update #6

I would never imagine that-

My source of comfort, love and happiness

could turn into
a selfish, cold blooded, god-forsaken sorry life of a being

who finds joy in hurting me in so many ways that I cannot count.


:(

yesterday I thought to myself -how would it feel like to fly?











down from a ninth floor apartment.

summer update #5

Kucing Kuantan, Snowwie.

Eh silap ni Psyanngggg (huwa i misschuuu bebe)
Here!!! Cute kan? Too bad the boyfriend tak bagi bawak balik from Kuantan. Boohoo :(


OK updates next time ok. 4 more weeks before returning to the city... SO FASTT OK.
Haih.

summer update #4

Dear Nadiah Ham... (nama kene protect ni, nanti kuar kat google search lak.. hehe)

On behalf of the LA Shorts Fest, we would like to thank you for submitting Sub Rosa for consideration to the 2009 Festival. We recognize the hard work and dedication in making a film, but we regret to inform you that your film was not selected for this year's Festival....

Blah blah blah. OK la whatever. Anyhoo I've been home for three weeks and a half now. I've met so many people and attended too many weddings already. Now it's time for some serious work (writing) But first let me mourn about how I wasn't selected to be in the commercial class.. out of 10 people they picked 8 and out of the 8 was not even me... I dono. Maybe they have something against whiny little Malaysians. WHATEVS. If tak dapat jugak I think I will do an indie study or take leave to work on someone's film. That film will have Clive Owen. Ha. Amek kau.

OK time post crite kuceng.

Psyang, I miss you so much. Nobody greets me whenever I get home... nobody nak mengekor ke sini ke sane anymore. Nobody is here to sit on my keyboard and tekan the volume button to the max while I am asleep. Nobody is here to temankan me while I try to do work. Nobody is here for me to play fetch with. Nobody is here to sibuk2 nak makan jugak while I eat. Nobody is here for me to give their paws for me to bite. Nobody is here to merengek suruh bukakkan pintu.

I misshhhyou yayang. I hope you are loved and taken care of well..

*SOBS*

In a way I cannot wait to be done with school. I spent the afternoon at the Curve with AhBenjies today and he's been making lots of $. Saving up to start up a business. I am so inspired!!! But I still have a year of school. In a way, I am also sad that New York is coming to an end (unless I plan to stay on longer) I'm also sad that my nearest/dearest have left the city for good. Who am I going to call whenever I have my silly phoner fights with my man? New York is a cold, hard place (as my friend Matthew puts it) and it helps to have people who speak in your language...BUT NOWWWWW...

Entahlah. People change and I really, really have to learn not to depend on anyone but myself.

Sigh. But the past two days I have learnt that I should not see my future (awaiting) job as a hindrance to what I really want to do. And I am excited at the prospects of coming home and starting something on my own.. I think.

Hari tu terserempak dengan idola. Tapi kenapa mesti buat loyar buruk bile berhadapan dengan orang tu? Cam la aku ni bagus sangat.. SIGGGH.
Actually nak letak gambar kucing kiut dari Kuantan (nama dia Snowwie) tapi blogger is fudgen up with me, so later la.

...

I miss you.

:(

summer update #3

When things like these happen, you get shocked. Even if you have no absolutely no connection to the victim.

Just numb, even for a split second.
And think about how short life can really be.
So there should be no question about believing in a Creator - a greater presence that controls the unthinkable.

Because when you're put in an undesired situation - such as the one above, there isn't anything else that you can possibly hold on to - except for faith.

summer update #2

Beauty shots of a buglike dancer

Lighting from the rooftop.. and then freezing my ass off.

The shot that took forever.. but which was super awesome!

Really cool director/dp, handsome Iranian men in skinny jeans and a really friendly stranger-ful crew - not too bad for 16 hours worth of free labour.. (well ok I was given 20 bucks :P)

summer update #1

Gaffing/AC-ing my first NYC music video shoot tomorrow. A Tehranian-US based band, stop motion and steadycam stuff -
PLEASE LET IT BE FUN!!!

ERGHHHHHHH

I've been rather unproductive for the past two weeks (ok sorry I didn't get that AC-ing job.. this is what you get when you want to get paid sangat, orang pun dowan to hire me! bleh!)

Now will someone please take care of the shit in this apartment for me? So penat la every FREAKING YEAR I HAVE TO MOVEEEE. I hate feeling like a nomad. Hopefully this next (yet to be found) apartment will be a bit permanent. Permanent tu macam maybe more than a year la then I have to go home already...

I hate my crocodile tears. I went to embarass myself in front of my chair when we talked about my fast track to graduating. So I'm not going to make any films next year, I'm going to concentrate on finishing my thesis script and DP-ing stuff (hopefully, if people ask me to) Other than that he says I'm getting a really GOOOD scholarship from the school and I'll know by this Wednesday. I think for sure it's not the graduate assistantship (free ride and $1700 a month) .. but whatever. All that really matters is that I will have money to come back here and finish another year of school. Whatever.

I've been trying to ganti puasa, but I really should have done it during winter when the days were shorter. Now it's like fasting for 16 hours.. I might as well finish my last six days back home. OK.

Random.

Hah. Baru ada orang nak complain. So true. My worst experience ever. I mean I'm Melayu jugak but there would be a session where we'd break into smaller groups (Latihan Dalam Kumpulan) and then be made to debate over things like:

1) Katakanlah anda diminta untuk menganjurkan latihan/workshop (whatever lah, I'm paraphrasing) pengurusan masa untuk kakitangan pejabat kerajaan anda. Adakah anda akan memilih:
A. Syarikat motivasi bawah naungan parti pemimpin, walaupun syarikat itu masih baru dan tidak pernah mengendalikan sessi latihan sedemikian
B. Syarikat motivasi bawah naungan parti pembangkang, yang lebih berpengalaman dalam mengendalikan sessi latihan pengurusan masa

It was really weird. I was totally weirded out.

Babe I know we fight a lot and I always say that I'll leave you but deep down I know I never WILL.. TWELVE MORE DAYS I CAN'T WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT.

ok over and out.

Mood: content

I am grateful.
Today I got new Nike shoes from Spike!!!

Doesn't matter that they are lime green and orange...
They were FREE! From an Oscar nominated film director!


Happy :)

:O

JAW DROP.
JAW DROPPPPPPPPPP.
(SORRY APESAL BLOGGER NI TAKDE FONT LAGI BESAAAAAAAR)

omg HI YASMIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ergh i'm such a dork/fangirl i embarrass myself!!!!!!)

Mood: sedih

So... I'll be screening my film this Sunday.. really can't be bothered to tweak my edit or whatever... everyone thinks that I'm free now since my film is over, but I still have like 100001 homework to be done... and classes to attend... and have to think about moving out etc...

Anyway, everyone in my class will have their family/friends who'll come support them at the screening... I don't know if anyone will turn up kat sini... so sedih. Now teringat pulak dulu last summer when I had those screenings kat Annexe.. then the one kat Urbanscapes... then the one kat Help... korang semua dah tengok berjuta2 kali pun sanggup datang kasi sapot gak kan... sanggup go through traffic KL yg cam haram, sanggup datang lepas penat keje satu hari...

HWAAAAAAAASAYANGKORANGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
*sob*sob*

One more thing.. sorry tapi takbleh blahhh la orang yang suka ckp pasal diri sendiri nonstop. sabar je tau. Bukan nak mengumpat or whatever tapi cam omg you're so full of yourself. Seriously. I'm not trying to come across as holier than thou ke whatevs but then cam omg you don't even bother asking how I've been, what I've been through, what I think, etc... you just wanna blah blah blah blah blah cerita about yourself... I can only tahan to a certain extent. Lepas tu sorry beb.. I mean.. I wanna be happy for you, I WAS happy for you, tapi lepas tu I just wanna strangle you because you just won't stop...
talking about yourself.

Another thing is... nape Yasmin Ahmad don't wanna add me back on facebook... I've asked her twice tau. I sent her long emails of adoration and have told her how much of an inspiration she is to me.... tapi she don't wanna facebook fren me!!!!!!!! LEPASTU.. so tension pasal si anak Yusof Haslam buat filem "BOHSIA - JANGAN PILIH JALAN HITAM" like wtf that is the stupidest title ever... I'm sure it's an entertaining film etc... tapi lagi2 kita perlu disogokkan dengan adegan (cewah cam tulis karangan SPM BM plak) merogol/kelab malam/rempits dalam filem Melayu.. I mean, just like my classmates here with nudity/love making scenes. I mean, if it's really necessary, then yes. But if it's out of whim and meant to provoke for a totally irrelevant reason, then just make a porn film for goodness' sakes..

OK emo tak tentu pasal mesti pasal lapar.. k thx bai

Reel 2009

| Malaysia/New York



PLEASE HIRE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Weird/happy/random day.

So I had a meeting with Spike earlier today. OK, so he told me how my film wasn't super clear, how I need to reedit some scenes, how the music was overbearing, etc... but what was funny was how today my sneakers decided to bust on me... and he noticed and I think he's going to get me a pair of Nike kicks... he asked for my shoe size THREE times...even after I left he came back to the library coz I was working and asked again... it was hilarious. He is really kinda chill and funny and laidback - it was totally cool.

Now let's just hope I get them... my classmates will just DIE of envy.
HOHOHOHO.

OK but he did say he doesn't think I'm ready to direct a feature... I wasn't pissed or anything, or took anything to heart, now it's got me rethinking and reevaluating next year's plans.

Definitely does not involve an engagement, or rings of any sort :P

Random update #3

When will I ever learn that tak semestinya if kite buat baik, orang tu akan buat baik balik... So, sebagai contoh, if I am bending on my knees cleaning up, tak semestinya orang akan cakap "thank you.."

:(
FML..

PS/Hai kengkawan semua saya sampai m'sia june 3rd okeh :) MWAHWMWAHRINDUUUU!

Random update #2

So last Sunday night I was an hour late for a sit-down dinner party in the East Village. Good, fancy food of fish and potatoes, some take-out pizza for latecomers, expensive chocolate and homemade chocolate mousse later. After many conversations of school and the looming summer, my Norwegian host passed around 'Miracle Frooties'... I had absolutely no idea what I was in for, but it was mindfcuk at best... I was flavor tripping and it was AMAZING!%#@%@#%!!!!!! #!#!#!!#! Lemon and lime tasted like super sweet oranges.. balsamic vinegar tasted like syrup.. I can't even begin to describe it...

Well anyways I can't wait for these -





I soooooo want to make a children's fantasy film one day.. with an EITS film score!!!!
OK that's all.

Random update #1

Two films I watched last week at work.

woot!

Whitney totally rocks, because she always stands up for herself and doesn't take crap from Jay.
LC was always such a pathetic "I don't know who to trust!!" wimp.

And maybe it is good that I don't have enough money to go anywhere next week. At least I'll be forced to actually finish editing that damn thing.

mmm.

I've been super depressed, of late.
I am no longer working to buy myself nice things, but working to pay my bills.
I have been starving at school too.
Because a meal would cost too much.

I paid for a return flight ticket.
I will be back for the summer!
Hence the broken bank.

The weather is nice. And I think I've cried enough for the day.
I am going to a dinner party with some friends from school.

Such a pathetic, pathetic post.
But whatevs.

I don't know you..

But I already hate you.

ARH.

I got an idea for my feature script already!!!!
Now I just want to skip the writing/shooting part, and be done with it, and graduate in 2011!!!

Facebook is evil.

It makes me think that everyone else has a life more fabulous than mine.
HATE IT!


PS/3 posts in a day, I know. I'm really high-strung like that.

I want I want I want

We never seem to tire of the things we want.

Well maybe when we die.

Ma,
Don't worry. I won't jump off a building (thought of it once though),
won't start doing drugs (though there was some at the party I was at last weekend)
or turn into a drunkard (not ever)

I'll just be working like a 'mad dog' (or so people tell me)

More hatred.

I hate the way you're not connected, even after almost two years of waiting.
I hate the way you don't call when I expect you to.
I hate the way you never talk about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.
I hate the way you make me feel idiotic and silly for rambling nonsensical about rings, flowers, islands in our kitchen, floor to ceiling bookshelves in our living room, and what color I would wear on our day.
But what I hate the most
is myself
for even hating all these petty unreasonable things.

IT'S MAKING ME SO MAD!!!!!!!#@!#!@#!!
*le sigh*

Hatred.

I hate Apple because they are going to charge me $310 which I don't have to replace my dead optical drive.
I hate the post-production centre at school because they only have ONE SOLITARY DVCPRO deck which I haven't been able to get access to after almost a week of waiting.
I hate the rising, awkward tension because thou shall not pretend not to hear when I speaketh to you, simply because it is childish and I'm 25 and trying to be civil and you are annoying the hell out of me.
I hate it that money is so tight right now and my scholarship is getting cut off by May.
I hate it that I need so much more right now to buy myself a ticket home and get out of this sticky scholarship government money situation and attend my best friend's wedding and wait for my boyfriend at the finishing line of his most important race of the year over the summer.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW.
Of course, things could be worse.

Thank goodness for Steven Soderbergh in two hours from now. He better be good. And inspiring.

BLEH BLEH!
PS/The picture above is a still from my film!! Which footage I have yet to see thanks to my stupid school with such limited facilities.. GRR!

Done and done!!!

It's been 5 months of blood, sweat and tears.
5 days of freezing my ass in the snow, having brain farts, and falling in love with my actor only to be convinced by my ENTIRE crew that he's actually gay.

Now, back to life.

aarrrh..

I'm so ready to shooot this motherfudger...

So uh..

New Year's this year to me was like, whatever. It was too cold to go out, and I honestly couldn't be bothered. I was just super unfazed.

I've been breathing, sleeping, eating my film! Up to a point that all the worrying caused a 'stomach virus' to form... I couldn't eat or do anything for three days. And did you know waiting to see a doctor in emergency, in a hospital, in AMEDIKA takes five frigging hours? And they call Malaysia a third world country?? Bodoh gile tak?? Well anyway, that was not a pleasant experience, being sick with a sore stomach and a throbbing, non-stop headache, and having endless nightmares of my production day in day out... last night I slept and dreamt I went home, met my friends in Penang and KL... and had so much fun... I woke up... and the headache was gone... I WAS SO HAPPY!!!

Things are finally coming together, but knock on wood should I be saying this too soon... And before this I thought my classmates were totally exaggerrating when they said they obsessed about their films... I can't stop thinking about it, I schedule things in my head all the time... it's crazy... and I thought I'd be cool/chill/laidback about it... but look at me... up at 7.30am trying to figure out what else I could be doing... I so can't wait for this is to be over...

Another thing is... apsal dua2 orang yg fresh of the boat tu suka buat bagus? Suka ingat bagus. Dah la baru sampai New York jangan perasan bagus can or not... eee so geram. Meluat ok. You still reek of the sea... bluek... pastu too cool for school pulak... cis... I'm over the whole American party scene... what's the fun in talking to people who can no longer contain a decent conversation when they've started slurring and making really inappropriate jokes... but whatevs... orang baru nak merasa, what to do... to each of his own...

OK I'm off... so sedih I didn't get to go to Abang's grand wedding... grand seh... ok I'm totally rambling nonsensical I better stop here...

2009 resolution.

to be ruthless and less nice to people.
daripada kena buli kena pijak kepala.

fcking hate flaky americans.