YOYO

A yo-yo of emotions, yes.
I don't know if I'm OK.
It's been 4 days and I've been shut off completely.

Really, do I really not mean anything more to you?

:(

I'm hoping my first paid videographer gig ($350 for a 7 hour job) at the ING NYC marathon will at least give me some distraction, or self fulfillment. Then I am going to buy that Marc for Marc Jacobs bag, and feel SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS.

:)

Yes, I do believe in seeking strength from the Almighty.

When everything else seems to have fallen apart, new things in good forms appear..
Never underestimate the power of prayers, or doa...

I am a happy bunny today!!!
HAPPY.

This storm shall pass, I know it will. Slowly, but surely.

Thank you.

You've really, really hurt me.

Tears.

I really want to cry... and feel something.

But I can't seem to emote..

:(

Did you know that when you lay your head sideways in a bathtub, you hear rushing water against your ear. You can almost pretend that you have your eyes closed while the plane is preparing for take off.

And then you're back home, and everything's fine, just stick those band-aids on the broken bits and everything's back to normal and everything is fine again.

Then when the water suddenly starts rushing up and you realize your face is halfway submerged in water and if you don't wake up, don't get up, although you want to lie down in the bathtub and pretend that you're not here, halfway across the world but you're back home and you're near the one you really love and everything is okay you have to bring yourself up before water starts filling through your ears and sting your eyes and clog your nose and you can't breathe and then you rise you choke and then the truth of the reality hits you like a sharp plasma beam -

That this hurts so, so much.
And you can't do anything about it.

:(

I've had a really bad morning, a really bad week, a really bad MONTH.
I am so overwhelmed with work.

But here I am digging my own grave... I don't know why I keep on doing this. I don't know why I like to put the one thing that's going good for me in complete jeopardy. Sometimes I wonder why I even do the things I do... and say the things I say... I can be so, so thoughtless sometimes.

I HATE IT!
:(

What the fuck am I doing? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE?? Gosh I've been depressed before but it's going from bad to worse. From unloading my problems to my boss, my teacher, anyone... then I tell myself, well, I'll give myself time to unwind, I'll try to breathe, watch some mindless tv, sleep a lot.. and then still feel horrible after all that, that it makes me really, really angry. Then when I'm feeling down in the dumps I drag him along with me... bringing up things that don't make any sense, demanding that he be extra attentive and sensitive to my needs, and now when he's had enough and tells me he can't take it anymore, I'm the one on the losing end. Life is so unfair... why must it be so good at one point and be so horrible at another??? :(

I just want to cry and sleep and forget about everything.. and then there's all this other shit to do.. like, school and work and my body feeling like crap because I haven't exactly taken the time to take care of myself... It's like I already have all this shit to think about, and now it's eating up into my relationship, and it's so ridicuuloooouuuuuuuuuuuuuussss that he would think of something so harsh like breaking up.. I mean like... just two days ago we were perfectly happy and he says he loves me and can't wait for me to come back for good and sends me pictures of our cat and says things like he wishes I was home and now it's like, well, "I don't really love you so much right now because you're being ridiculous and don't make any sense.." WELL MAYBE I AM BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH... ? Through the good and bad times???

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSS
This fucking sucks. Tell me that a chemical imbalance in your body makes you say things like, "I hate you" or "I'm going to throw myself in front of a car and then I'll be dead and then you'll be happy"

:(

my weekend in a nutshell.

Hari Sabtu: main-main camera kat sekolah.
Malam Sabtu: first pegi tengok WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (where my Jap-Polish classmate, after walking around like proclaiming, "I'm an Asian THUG!" around Times Square got teary eyed... "I got daddy issues, ok!?" ) lepas tu main-main tangkap gambar dengan kawan-kawan kat party (my favorite Norwegian couple)
Hari Ahad: termenung depan komputer pasal takde idea lepas tu amek video kucing rumet



OMG why am I running out of ideas when I need them the most?!?
I've been so uninspired of late...

:(

BOOOO!!!!
OK while I'm on the subject.
I understand all the hype that's surrounding WTWTA - unfortunately I found myself being in and out of it at times. There's no narrative structure, but a lot of unknowingly real, touching emotional beats. Maybe if I had grown up reading the book the movie would have had a bigger impact on me. After all, it's an adult's children movie. HOWEVER, Max Record is an amazing kid actor! You know when you're a kid, and sometimes your older brother or sister or mom or dad kid around with you, and you're laughing until it gets too far then you realize you're crying because they've stepped over the line and you get really, really upset... or the times that you get really, really angry because of something (well I got angry once when I was younger for missing my favourite Jap tv show Mario Attack.. ) and you're not in a position of power where you can slap/hit/bite that person you're angry at, and you roar and rant and trash something (in my case a flower vase?) Well yeah. This movie will remind you just of those moments... but of course, the Wild Things were adorable and scary at the same time, and the ending quite a tearjerker... I must say...

Antichrist this Friday next!!!

I WISHHHHH..

DAMNIT!! I WISH I COULD WRITE LIKE THOSE WRITERS ON GREY'S... NOT JUST ON AUTO-PILOT OR FOR THE SAKE OF FRICKIN FINISHING SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGG

I JUST EMAILED EPISODE 24 AND GOOD LORD IT WAS AWFULLLLLLL WORST THAN THE LAST. I THINK I'LL GET FIRED SOON FOR A) BEING SO FRICKIN TARDY AND B) BEING SOOO FRICKIN UNTALENTED!!!!!

Ra-ra-ra-rantings!

Ergh, it's Friday. Already? WTF?
I should be excited. I told myself I'd go watch Where the Wild Things Are and New York, I Love You if things went well. Well, of course things never go as you plan!! Major accomplishment = finished the first draft of my thesis script, which my class hated!!! Now I have to go through a major rewrite by MONDAY... and find actors who'd be willing to be cast for my table reading. It really kind of sucks for the actors because it's not a real audition, it's just a freakin table reading where you sit and read lines from the script. Aaaaaaaargh. I don't know. And then I have that 30 sec commercial spot I've yet to finalize... all in all this really sucks. Some people in my class were also trying to refine their feature film script drafts to submit for the Sundance Lab, but I can't... I can't take that on, not right now :(

AAAAAAAARHHHH THIS IS ALL SO OVERWHELMINGGGGGG

What is up with the weather? Everytime the temperature drops I feel like I'm getting a fever... last week it was fine, it was gradually dropping but today it's like 7 celcius... I desperately need an in-between jacket because now I'm just layering my ratty 2 year old sweater with different thin blazers which really don't help with the chills. I can't use my winter jacket just yet because I'll look like a ridiculous eskimo in Fall... FML. But today's paycheck day ---- surprisingly more than I thought I would get, but that's going into my commercial shoot funds... :( can life get any more complicated than this??

and I'm struggling to finish this BB script... I'm not as inspired to write for it anymore, especially when I have other legit things to do, and especially when it feels like I'm back in advertising all over again... minus the fun parts when I'd come in to work in the morning, only to be greeted with chocolates, pastries, cookies and random whatnots on my desk as bribery to get my work done in time for deadlines (by the suits... sometimes they'd bribe me with free indoor parking for a week... which was sweet, considering it was RM5 to park on that plot of land on Jalan P. Ramlee..) BUT NOW IT'S LIKE HEY! I HAVEN'T BEEN PAID FOR THE PAST 80 PAGES I've written, and you're breathing down my neck for the next 20? :( Sobs OK I'm complaining :( I know I shouldn't be, I mean it is a great opportunity of getting one foot in the door... right? Right? Right.......??????

OMG I AM RANTING SO MUCH.
I figure that I have to rant as much as possible before the next time I talk to my boyfriend, so he'll be spared of my incessant whinings, boo (I mean like, what are boyfriends for, right?) But hey yeah, I should learn how to be more optimistic about things even if I feel that my back is about to break and that my arms are falling off, or how I don't ever get enough sleep... and the list goes on.

OVER AND OUT Y'ALL.

Procrastinating..

Ah, the cutest actors are always the worst!

Fact #1

I REALLY LOVE GREY'S ANATOMY.
I don't care what you think, the writing is so good.

Pandora is Love

Last Friday was perfect, Pandora, rainy morning, nothing to do at work, Indian lunch with a new friend/colleague. Then the weekend came; laundry + grocery + afternoon nap + night in + long silly conversation with the boyfriend over skype = my ideal Saturday! Sunday was spent in the sound stage at school for a master class session with DP Fred Elmes , tea of bubur pulut hitam (my current obsession!) with Nadi & friend before rushing off to Chloe's for oxtail stew and corn bread over Family Guy...

It was a good weekend, absolutely.
Did I get any work done?
HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA@#("@!($)$@)$!)!)!)!!)!)!#(!_#_!#)_#)

I find myself skipping my Monday afternoon class and evening work shift at the library on the pretext of -
A) feeling unwell (like Monday last week, and the week before, and the week before the week before)
B) needing to go home and finish writing this freaking thesis script..

But fell asleep instead!

EPIC FAIL.
Maybe all I need is motivation. OK, if this week goes smoothly I am rewarding myself with -
A) Where The Wild Things Are
B) New York, I Love You

Now off to write..

So tired.

Only one month into school and I'm so, so so tired.
Who knew having three jobs (tech-assisting, videographer-ing, and freelance screenwriting) could suck so much? Especially when my meager pay can't pay for a decent pair of boots.

:(