of updates and such.. if you still care.

ha! so I finally changed the layout of this space.

Thank you so much for the people who graced my receptions :)

Aliaa, I really appreciated your thoughts + well wishes, although you couldn't be there in person! I will be seeing you soon!!! :)

It's been roughly close to four months that I have been working in USM. OK, no hiding which so-called APEX uni I am working for anymore. It has also been close to four years that I've been trying to make peace with this fate. I have no desire to be here, yet I am bound for the next 7 years (not even counting from now since I'm still awaiting confirmation.. yes, even after close to four months)

OK so this is going to be yet another depressing entry but where else can I whine away without making everyone around me hate me for spilling all this negative energy??? So be IT. If you would rather not have your day spoilt please close this tab/window right now. Thank you! :)

Honestly I've tried being optimistic about the prospects of serving the government for the RM500K that they spent on my priceless New York education. Trust me, I have. Everyday I wake up and try to see the brighter side of things - like how flexible this job is that it allows me to have the time to do the things that I want! Like the music video I worked on. Or, take as many off record leaves to attend to my creative pursuits..

However from the get go I'm just constantly disappointed with the way things are run here. I just can't comprehend the level (or the lack of) professionalism that they have. People are generally nice but still I'm agitated every single damn day that I have to be here. For instance, they give me a room without a computer. Not that I'm complaining I'd rather be working on my own Mac than the crappy dilapidated PC they would have given me anyway. Then they call me for last minute meetings on the day OF (when I'm barely awake at 8.30am) and make me look bad when I turn up really late in a room full of people. Or when they just 'forget' to inform me of meetings/briefings and when I don't turn up I'm pulled aside and asked in hushed tones why I was absent when I had no inkling of the things that had taken place at all. BODOH GILEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And just last Monday after coming back from a really hectic 2 week break after my wedding, I get a letter dated May 11th for my 'temuduga perlantikan' that is scheduled on May 20th (when I had, long in advance, applied for leave from May 9th to May 20th in the last week of April) AND THEN I get a printed out copy of the subjects that everyone in the film & broadcasting department will be teaching for the coming academic year, and guess what I have to teach? AUDIO PRODUCTION. It doesn't sound as bad because it's called Penerbitan Audio - but I've heard some of the stuff that they have to come up with and the radio programs they come up with are a lot like zaman RTM Tok Kaduk, complete with cheesy music etc... and I have to teach that for the next two semesters. So it's more like RADIO PRODUCTION LA.

Like, awesome right? Not only do I have 0% knowledge in producing radio programmes, I'm not teaching anything remotely close to what I've been studying/practicing for the past 4 years. What a total waste of my qualifications. Macam tu tak payah la susah2 nak belajar filem bodoooooooooh. I can't teach any of the film subjects because the lecturer in charge doesn't want to share his courses. And I think I'll end up teaching something totally random too because as a newbie lecturer I have to teach up to 3.0 courses ke amende ntah. Cam babi pun ade gak. Kalau ada excess of staff and tak cukup benda nak ajar I'm at fault ke?? That you had sent me all the way to New York to one of the best film schools EVER and I come back and you don't give a rat's ass about what I can possibly contribute to the school?

ERRRRRGHHHHHH.

OK breathe. I usually have dizzying headaches when I think too much into it. When I tell my parents I would rather quit and pay them back for the sake of my sanity they say I'm being ungrateful. I honestly don't think I am headed in the direction of these people. Yes, I think they are smart and expert in their fields but nobody wants to talk about making films or have table readings of scripts or whatever. They are interested in analyzing, documenting, etc etc very academic/scholarly driven things. Last few weeks we had a screening of the production projects for the post-grad students. It was 2 days of sheer agony. Each student had to come up with a 20 minute short film project and the lecturers couldn't even be bothered to all be there to evaluate and give constructive feedback. The system is so flawed that I can TELL that the STUDENTS don't really look up to their teachers because they KNOW BETTER. I have to say that some of the points that other senior lecturers have brought up were really valid and substantial but couldn't you have brought those points up waaaaay in the writing process? Now dah terlambat la, they've gone and shot the stuff so macam mana nak tukarrrrr. DUHHHH. I honestly thought I could have picked some decent ones to show at the next Malaysian Shorts but it would be such an embarassment to the school, so NO. Some of them were decent and had potential. If only their supervising lecturers had enough time to guide them through the projects.

I would say the only saving grace is I made friends with some students who are more of my age and we can talk about writing scripts and making movies and money etc. Yang lain tu... I dono. And now that they are on break I am at loss. Here I am again in my room with my feet up my table thinking of what I can do to keep preoccupied for the next few hours until it is time to leave.

I am not an ungrateful bitch. I am thankful that I've been paid (a measly sum considering what I've been offered for my freelance projects) all the way through even if my duties were not crystal clear cut up for me since I started working here. But I just can't GEL with my other colleagues (well maybe except for ONE) and I've even been questioned about things that I've done to establish my name ("Hey, can you take a picture of the music video you shot, with your name in the credit? We need evidence to know that you really did it" -- just because you don't read the news or watch TV I'm being penalized??? WTF)

I'm really tired and I really do want to quit. I really really do!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much I resent having to come here every day... another thing was there was a briefing for the kids to pick their majoring for the coming year. Just imagine how angry I felt when the dean announced that they would provide all the money needed for the students if they wanted to shoot a short/project for any competition in the near future. And I'm like DUDEEEE I CAME TO YOUR OFFICE almost IN FUCKING TEARS asking for some HELP OR SUPPORT for my THESIS IN WHICH I NEEDED TO MAKE TO GRADUATE AND YOU SAID YOUR DEPARTMENT DIDN'T HAVE A SINGLE SEN TO SPARE FOR ME AND NOW YOU SAY THIS!??????????? WTHHHHHHHH

Tu lah dia. This is the damn university that only cares about SHOW SHOW SHOW macam hari tu ada event kat the school and I think so much money was pumped into it... yet there were nobody who bothered to attend it. And then bila orang mintak duit untuk better equipment for the students - ckp takde duit. Bodoh bangang bahalul and everything ELSE.

* cry *

yes *CRY*

Ya Allah mintak-mintak lah jauhkan perasaan benci yang membuak2 ni. I can't take it anymore and all of this can't possibly be good for my soul. Maybe this is an ujian that I have to take in my stride..

:(

I promise the next entry will be more positive and upbeat!!!!!!

PS/yes and marriage life has been a bliss :) it doesn't feel very much different, but it definitely feels right :)

nak lepas geram!

Heheh sebenarnye memang tak elok nak cakap pasal orang, tapi I feel like I have to absolutely vent somewhere...

Anyway!! I'm getting hitched in 3 FREAKING DAYS. It's crazeeeeeeeeee!! I have so, so many things to do and I only start taking leave from work Thursday onwards! I haven't even cleaned up anything :(

But everything is progressing fine and I hope things will go on smoothly, insyaAllah!!

So, I knew I had to send out cards to the people whom I care about, whom I would want to attend my reception!!

And I knew I shouldn't take anything personally or anything too hard or have high ass expectations and then be disappointed.

Thing is what if those people couldn't give a rat's ass about even saying "hey, thanks for the invite. UNFORTUNATELY I won't be able to make it because _ fill in the blank_" an apology would have been sufficient!!! Ni senyap je. Cam hipokrit pun ade gak -_-

Mestilah rasa geram, tak puas hati, kecik hati - kita dah susah2 poskan kad semua pastu selambe je buat tak kisah ye takkkk!!!??

Then when I think about it again, well, my CLOSEST friends are coming. My nearest and dearest :) So that I should be happy about. And I appreciate so much those yang actually took time to tell me that they won't be able to make it. It's fine -- I'm not forcing anyone to come, I know it's pretty far away for some, and not everyone can travel.

Also -- when I think about it again orang yang can't give a flying feck about saying sorry ke ape... well I haven't really spoken them in eons, haven't really said more than a few sentences so.. why should I terasa at all pun?? But mmmh well, not going to put anymore effort into inviting them to anything anymore.. consider yourselves

blacklisted.

-_-

Hello.

Hello everyone!

Wow, has it really been 4 months since my last entry?

Let's just say my life has gone through a whirlwind - it hasn't slowed down for one second and I haven't even had time to breathe, to say the least. Months of November and December were filled with sleepless nights of finishing up my thesis film. I also spent a great deal of time reconnecting with a very dear friend - many nights were spent having meaningful conversations over fancy dinners, coffee and desserts. Not to forget our successful Christmas shindig, where we braved the crowd at Wholefoods and cooked up a storm of a Christmas feast. Then came the snowstorm - which I did not enjoy but am glad to have experienced!

It's nice to look back and remember the really good times in my last few months in New York! Everything seems almost dream-like - it's hard to imagine now how it feels like to be living that life at all! I think I stepped back once a few times trying to encapsulate all the distinct emotions, colors, ambience into pocketful of memories that I would bring home with me.. and now well, having said that - my 42 + months of living abroad was invaluable and at the end of the day, I am grateful for that experience to have made me the person that I am today.

OK! ENOUGH with the formal language! :P

I had the best going away party ever - in Lower East Side, where I screened my thesis film (something that turned out exactly how I expected it to - yes, I could have done so much more, but every project is a learning curve - it makes me want to write better scripts and produce better films) So many turned up and that could have not made my party/screening any sweeter :) The owners of the place even offered to cut me a deal if I could bring in as many people for their screenings! After that was a long week of packing madness - sending out my boxes out to be shipped, taking care of Puji's travelling documents - running around getting last minute things, finally finding a tenant to take over the lease of my apartment - well, it was crazy to say the least. I wasn't at all emotional - but I remember the last weekend I was there before I was scheduled to fly home the next day, I went to school to clear up my locker and then it really came down hard on me - that this long, arduous path/adventure had come to an end and I would have to move on from it to bigger and better things.

Which brings me to this current day!

I have been dreading the job since day 1 - and now I am paying my dues for my expensive New York education. At first, I thought it wasn't all too bad.. surely, they don't bother me and make me do things I don't want to do, but it is unfortunate that in this environment I am in it's really not about the students but really about Key Performance Indexes. And also no one is interested in making movies as they are in analyzing films and publishing them in (high-impact) journals. Honestly, this is the least creative/lowest stress workplace that I have been in! I'm sad and annoyed at the same time, but I pretty much have to make do with what I'm given.

But on to more exciting things, I AM thankful that this job has given me the flexibility that I need to exercise my creative pursuits! I'm really excited that I'll be back on set after 5 months - directing a music video for this dude (whom I thought was a really pompous self indulgent person not knowing him personally from before - but I've been proven wrong and he is great fun to hang out with) Before that I also signed up to work on a cooking show (people are surprised when I tell them this) but the pay is lucrative although now meeting and talking to people who work in the industry - on the grander scheme of things it's still very little money (which means my pay as a lecturer now is peanuts - perhaps comparable to that of what I made as a babysitter in New York)

Other than that, I had a slight taste of what it would be like to be a famous filmmaker. I had my first radio and tv interviews two weeks ago! SO MUCH FUN! Although I've just realized how bad my English has become since coming back... :(

Ergh I have to much more to say but I can't seem to collect my thoughts. Also, I left my charger at home and my computer has 20 good minutes left before it goes to sleep! I'll save those stories for a different day :)

OH! Biggest news of all! :)

In exactly a month I'll be married to my sound boy :)

OK! Enough for now - here's a picture of the last street I lived on.

I miss you Bushwick!!