silent conversations.

of updates and such.. if you still care.

2011-05-24T21:16:00.001-07:00

ha! so I finally changed the layout of this space.

Thank you so much for the people who graced my receptions :)

Aliaa, I really appreciated your thoughts + well wishes, although you couldn't be there in person! I will be seeing you soon!!! :)

It's been roughly close to four months that I have been working in USM. OK, no hiding which so-called APEX uni I am working for anymore. It has also been close to four years that I've been trying to make peace with this fate. I have no desire to be here, yet I am bound for the next 7 years (not even counting from now since I'm still awaiting confirmation.. yes, even after close to four months)

OK so this is going to be yet another depressing entry but where else can I whine away without making everyone around me hate me for spilling all this negative energy??? So be IT. If you would rather not have your day spoilt please close this tab/window right now. Thank you! :)

Honestly I've tried being optimistic about the prospects of serving the government for the RM500K that they spent on my priceless New York education. Trust me, I have. Everyday I wake up and try to see the brighter side of things - like how flexible this job is that it allows me to have the time to do the things that I want! Like the music video I worked on. Or, take as many off record leaves to attend to my creative pursuits..

However from the get go I'm just constantly disappointed with the way things are run here. I just can't comprehend the level (or the lack of) professionalism that they have. People are generally nice but still I'm agitated every single damn day that I have to be here. For instance, they give me a room without a computer. Not that I'm complaining I'd rather be working on my own Mac than the crappy dilapidated PC they would have given me anyway. Then they call me for last minute meetings on the day OF (when I'm barely awake at 8.30am) and make me look bad when I turn up really late in a room full of people. Or when they just 'forget' to inform me of meetings/briefings and when I don't turn up I'm pulled aside and asked in hushed tones why I was absent when I had no inkling of the things that had taken place at all. BODOH GILEEEEEEEEEEEE.

And just last Monday after coming back from a really hectic 2 week break after my wedding, I get a letter dated May 11th for my 'temuduga perlantikan' that is scheduled on May 20th (when I had, long in advance, applied for leave from May 9th to May 20th in the last week of April) AND THEN I get a printed out copy of the subjects that everyone in the film & broadcasting department will be teaching for the coming academic year, and guess what I have to teach? AUDIO PRODUCTION. It doesn't sound as bad because it's called Penerbitan Audio - but I've heard some of the stuff that they have to come up with and the radio programs they come up with are a lot like zaman RTM Tok Kaduk, complete with cheesy music etc... and I have to teach that for the next two semesters. So it's more like RADIO PRODUCTION LA.

Like, awesome right? Not only do I have 0% knowledge in producing radio programmes, I'm not teaching anything remotely close to what I've been studying/practicing for the past 4 years. What a total waste of my qualifications. Macam tu tak payah la susah2 nak belajar filem bodoooooooooh. I can't teach any of the film subjects because the lecturer in charge doesn't want to share his courses. And I think I'll end up teaching something totally random too because as a newbie lecturer I have to teach up to 3.0 courses ke amende ntah. Cam babi pun ade gak. Kalau ada excess of staff and tak cukup benda nak ajar I'm at fault ke?? That you had sent me all the way to New York to one of the best film schools EVER and I come back and you don't give a rat's ass about what I can possibly contribute to the school?

ERRRRRGHHHHHH.

OK breathe. I usually have dizzying headaches when I think too much into it. When I tell my parents I would rather quit and pay them back for the sake of my sanity they say I'm being ungrateful. I honestly don't think I am headed in the direction of these people. Yes, I think they are smart and expert in their fields but nobody wants to talk about making films or have table readings of scripts or whatever. They are interested in analyzing, documenting, etc etc very academic/scholarly driven things. Last few weeks we had a screening of the production projects for the post-grad students. It was 2 days of sheer agony. Each student had to come up with a 20 minute short film project and the lecturers couldn't even be bothered to all be there to evaluate and give constructive feedback. The system is so flawed that I can TELL that the STUDENTS don't really look up to their teachers because they KNOW BETTER. I have to say that some of the points that other senior lecturers have brought up were really valid and substantial but couldn't you have brought those points up waaaaay in the writing process? Now dah terlambat la, they've gone and shot the stuff so macam mana nak tukarrrrr. DUHHHH. I honestly thought I could have picked some decent ones to show at the next Malaysian Shorts but it would be such an embarassment to the school, so NO. Some of them were decent and had potential. If only their supervising lecturers had enough time to guide them through the projects.

I would say the only saving grace is I made friends with some students who are more of my age and we can talk about writing scripts and making movies and money etc. Yang lain tu... I dono. And now that they are on break I am at loss. Here I am again in my room with my feet up my table thinking of what I can do to keep preoccupied for the next few hours until it is time to leave.

I am not an ungrateful bitch. I am thankful that I've been paid (a measly sum considering what I've been offered for my freelance projects) all the way through even if my duties were not crystal clear cut up for me since I started working here. But I just can't GEL with my other colleagues (well maybe except for ONE) and I've even been questioned about things that I've done to establish my name ("Hey, can you take a picture of the music video you shot, with your name in the credit? We need evidence to know that you really did it" -- just because you don't read the news or watch TV I'm being penalized??? WTF)

I'm really tired and I really do want to quit. I really really do!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much I resent having to come here every day... another thing was there was a briefing for the kids to pick their majoring for the coming year. Just imagine how angry I felt when the dean announced that they would provide all the money needed for the students if they wanted to shoot a short/project for any competition in the near future. And I'm like DUDEEEE I CAME TO YOUR OFFICE almost IN FUCKING TEARS asking for some HELP OR SUPPORT for my THESIS IN WHICH I NEEDED TO MAKE TO GRADUATE AND YOU SAID YOUR DEPARTMENT DIDN'T HAVE A SINGLE SEN TO SPARE FOR ME AND NOW YOU SAY THIS!??????????? WTHHHHHHHH

Tu lah dia. This is the damn university that only cares about SHOW SHOW SHOW macam hari tu ada event kat the school and I think so much money was pumped into it... yet there were nobody who bothered to attend it. And then bila orang mintak duit untuk better equipment for the students - ckp takde duit. Bodoh bangang bahalul and everything ELSE.

* cry *

yes *CRY*

Ya Allah mintak-mintak lah jauhkan perasaan benci yang membuak2 ni. I can't take it anymore and all of this can't possibly be good for my soul. Maybe this is an ujian that I have to take in my stride..

I promise the next entry will be more positive and upbeat!!!!!!

PS/yes and marriage life has been a bliss :) it doesn't feel very much different, but it definitely feels right :)

nak lepas geram!

2011-04-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

Heheh sebenarnye memang tak elok nak cakap pasal orang, tapi I feel like I have to absolutely vent somewhere...

Anyway!! I'm getting hitched in 3 FREAKING DAYS. It's crazeeeeeeeeee!! I have so, so many things to do and I only start taking leave from work Thursday onwards! I haven't even cleaned up anything :(

But everything is progressing fine and I hope things will go on smoothly, insyaAllah!!

So, I knew I had to send out cards to the people whom I care about, whom I would want to attend my reception!!

And I knew I shouldn't take anything personally or anything too hard or have high ass expectations and then be disappointed.

Thing is what if those people couldn't give a rat's ass about even saying "hey, thanks for the invite. UNFORTUNATELY I won't be able to make it because _ fill in the blank_" an apology would have been sufficient!!! Ni senyap je. Cam hipokrit pun ade gak -_-

Mestilah rasa geram, tak puas hati, kecik hati - kita dah susah2 poskan kad semua pastu selambe je buat tak kisah ye takkkk!!!??

Then when I think about it again, well, my CLOSEST friends are coming. My nearest and dearest :) So that I should be happy about. And I appreciate so much those yang actually took time to tell me that they won't be able to make it. It's fine -- I'm not forcing anyone to come, I know it's pretty far away for some, and not everyone can travel.

Also -- when I think about it again orang yang can't give a flying feck about saying sorry ke ape... well I haven't really spoken them in eons, haven't really said more than a few sentences so.. why should I terasa at all pun?? But mmmh well, not going to put anymore effort into inviting them to anything anymore.. consider yourselves

blacklisted.

-_-

Hello.

2011-03-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

Wow, has it really been 4 months since my last entry?

Let's just say my life has gone through a whirlwind - it hasn't slowed down for one second and I haven't even had time to breathe, to say the least. Months of November and December were filled with sleepless nights of finishing up my thesis film. I also spent a great deal of time reconnecting with a very dear friend - many nights were spent having meaningful conversations over fancy dinners, coffee and desserts. Not to forget our successful Christmas shindig, where we braved the crowd at Wholefoods and cooked up a storm of a Christmas feast. Then came the snowstorm - which I did not enjoy but am glad to have experienced!

It's nice to look back and remember the really good times in my last few months in New York! Everything seems almost dream-like - it's hard to imagine now how it feels like to be living that life at all! I think I stepped back once a few times trying to encapsulate all the distinct emotions, colors, ambience into pocketful of memories that I would bring home with me.. and now well, having said that - my 42 + months of living abroad was invaluable and at the end of the day, I am grateful for that experience to have made me the person that I am today.

OK! ENOUGH with the formal language! :P

I had the best going away party ever - in Lower East Side, where I screened my thesis film (something that turned out exactly how I expected it to - yes, I could have done so much more, but every project is a learning curve - it makes me want to write better scripts and produce better films) So many turned up and that could have not made my party/screening any sweeter :) The owners of the place even offered to cut me a deal if I could bring in as many people for their screenings! After that was a long week of packing madness - sending out my boxes out to be shipped, taking care of Puji's travelling documents - running around getting last minute things, finally finding a tenant to take over the lease of my apartment - well, it was crazy to say the least. I wasn't at all emotional - but I remember the last weekend I was there before I was scheduled to fly home the next day, I went to school to clear up my locker and then it really came down hard on me - that this long, arduous path/adventure had come to an end and I would have to move on from it to bigger and better things.

Which brings me to this current day!

I have been dreading the job since day 1 - and now I am paying my dues for my expensive New York education. At first, I thought it wasn't all too bad.. surely, they don't bother me and make me do things I don't want to do, but it is unfortunate that in this environment I am in it's really not about the students but really about Key Performance Indexes. And also no one is interested in making movies as they are in analyzing films and publishing them in (high-impact) journals. Honestly, this is the least creative/lowest stress workplace that I have been in! I'm sad and annoyed at the same time, but I pretty much have to make do with what I'm given.

But on to more exciting things, I AM thankful that this job has given me the flexibility that I need to exercise my creative pursuits! I'm really excited that I'll be back on set after 5 months - directing a music video for this dude (whom I thought was a really pompous self indulgent person not knowing him personally from before - but I've been proven wrong and he is great fun to hang out with) Before that I also signed up to work on a cooking show (people are surprised when I tell them this) but the pay is lucrative although now meeting and talking to people who work in the industry - on the grander scheme of things it's still very little money (which means my pay as a lecturer now is peanuts - perhaps comparable to that of what I made as a babysitter in New York)

Other than that, I had a slight taste of what it would be like to be a famous filmmaker. I had my first radio and tv interviews two weeks ago! SO MUCH FUN! Although I've just realized how bad my English has become since coming back... :(

Ergh I have to much more to say but I can't seem to collect my thoughts. Also, I left my charger at home and my computer has 20 good minutes left before it goes to sleep! I'll save those stories for a different day :)

OH! Biggest news of all! :)

In exactly a month I'll be married to my sound boy :)

OK! Enough for now - here's a picture of the last street I lived on.

I miss you Bushwick!!

Waiting..

2010-12-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

So I already missed my 5pm deadline to turn in my cut for my film!
I had called the chair's assistant then kene marah! Hwa!! Bodoh punya FCP render slow mcm haram!! Nasib baik it's ok to put it in her mailbox... but it means I have to go tonight, out in the freezing ass cold all the way to the city!! :(

Now, everyone watch Ahmad Idham's new movie 'Aku Masih Dara' (his 5th gazillion film this year) What the fuck is wrong with his movies?!! Haaa geram gila ok!! It makes me soooooo mad!!! The other day I got bored and was looking for a distraction, I had read in a review somewhere that his 'Niyang Rapik' wasn't exactly pure crap... so through devious means I watched it. What a waste of 90 minutes of my precious life. It is such a joke. SUCH A JOKE AND NOW NAK BUAT FILEM MACAM NI!?!?!?! Dah la it's already almost 2011, still guna teknik dubbing (dah la tak kisah pasal sync dengan the lips ke tak!! Ikut sukaaaaaa je!!!), pastu lighting semua cam gile babi hodoh, coverage -- master shot, two over the shoulders, skrip & jalan cerita macam he just thought of them overnight -- FINAS or.. wherever he is getting his funding from must immediately stop so he will stop producing craptastic bullshit films. PLEASE!!!!!!!! OMG lepas tu ada hati nak jadi KP FINAS a few months ago?!? OMG I would so mogok and stage a protest "INDUSTRI FILEM MALAYSIA SUDAH MATI" -- and put flowers in front of FINAS punya guardhouse, with a big ass condolence card.

Sorry lah, I'm totally ranting after watching this trailer. Dah la ciplak idea Nur Kasih, and as much as I want to understand that imitation is a form of flattery this is pure plagiarism. Sudah-sudahlah nak bagi 'pengajaran bagi golongan muda' by showing thighs and tits. That's enough exploitation of the women's sexuality in a Muslim country!! EEEEEEEE @$ @#%#$%$#^%#$%!!!!!!!!!!!

OK dah. Bai everyone gotta burn my DVDs. Please play that I can lepas my thesis review next week and graduate. Aminnnn.

skincare regimen 101

2010-11-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

It's a Sunday morning and I'm MALAS and LAZY and BORED and blah blah blah blah
since Kat started posting about skincare products, I'm going to share how I finally achieved clear, pimple, blemish free skin after 26 years :)

Believe me when I say I've really tried everything on my skin and always had had to deal with dry, spotty complexion for the longest time, which was really embarrassing (especially when I was working as a beauty/copy writer a few years back!) Howevah, for the past year I've cleared my bathroom shelves free of masks, expensive creams, cleansers, toners, etc that have been eating up space, time, and purse - and truthfully my skin has never looked better!! And all I did was be a little diligent in my google searches - and stumbled upon www.acne.org and found this thread http://www.acne.org/messageboard/OMG-GUYS-THIS-t35135.html. OK, so I was skeptical at first, but it works. It does!

Here is a step by step routine:
1) Cleanser (any off the counter, cheap cleanser would do -- I use this:
I think kat Watsons ade kot yang less than RM15. Murah je. Tak payah pakai Clinique ke ape2. = $8

2) Scrub: I use baking soda. It might seem a little harsh, but honestly there is nothing better than going back to the very basics. $0.99

3) Use apple cider vinegar (plus a little water) as a natural toner = $1.69

After that, it's just some 0.2% benzyl peroxide in copious amounts and wallah!! Don't forget moisturizer and sun screen, of course (because I'm a lazy person I use a combination of both.. been using Kiehl's -- mengada2 nak try but so mahal, any moisturizer would do)

Tu je la!! And it worksssss tremendously, I wouldn't recommend anything else. But of course, everyone's skin is different, so, to each of her own!

Heheh lawak tak my first regiment entry.. kakakakkak ok la next time I write about movies, making movies and whining je la ye. Hehe.

Anyway, everyone get ready for MGMT this marchhhhh.... it's Brooklyn reprezent!!
OK now I go mandi.. nak tengah hari dah ni..

I always, always -

2010-11-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

Have problems with my freaking American locker at school!!!
Usually after three or four tries, someone usually comes to the rescue! From my classmates to the chair of grad program, and many many more!

So today-

"Well, I practised doing this all the time in American schools.."

WHY, THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME that I'm obviously not from AMERICA!

But then again, nasib baik kau comel. And nice enough to hover next to me, "I'm going to stand right here to make sure you know how to do it."

As much as I hate to say it... yes I will miss random moments like these.
When the random cute boy strolls to help me open my locker combination!!

Le sigh.

mengantuk!

2010-11-16T18:45:00.001-08:00

Salam Aidiladha semua!
I know it's been FOREVER since I've written anything - yes it's been a rough month!
However, needless to say that my shoot went as smooth as I'd hoped for it to be -- syukur alhamdulllillaaaaaaaaah. No major kinks, just a speeding ticket, a couple of anxiety attacks (not me, one of my producers!) and now, close to 10pm I'm still at school transcoding my footage. I got really sick last weekend (the doctor asked me twice -- "are you sure you're not pregnant? positive?" in my dire state I almost fell off the examining bed laughing -- the answer is NO LAH! gile ke hape) yes, stomach viruses SUCK. So does dehydration. Of course, stomach flu is even worse (which I've gone through before) but ok! I'm just glad I've recovered. Now to adjust my unhealthy eating habits of late -- too many takeouts and YamYams!!! (ala yang biskut panjang2 celup dalam cokelat!)

ANYWAY.
Time to roll in the color palettes, and the works!! Whopeee! There's nothing that I like better than party planning. Now this one of course will come after 'Goodbye NY, Forever - Or Maybe Later' shindig soon-ishhh.

Fill you guys in soon!
Have fun eating rendang and soto and what not!!

xoxo

Of the good and bad.

2010-10-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

OK, because this is my blog I think I'm allowed to rant all I want.

I guess I shouldn't have been so idealistic about things... honestly, it is very hard to keep positive when problems keep coming up one after the other - and beat you down!!! So today not only did I lose a DP, two of my very good friends also backed out - for reasons that are not valid, and that I absolutely cannot comprehend.

I hate the way film school works - you work on my set, and I will work on yours. Because there isn't an exchange of cold hard cash, everything runs on barter trades. That's why I am so, so disappointed and upset with my classmates - I feel that I have been there to work really hard on their sets and now they can't be on mine... and now I am scrambling to put together a crew, and I'd be lucky if I can even fill the key positions!!! AAAAAAAGH!!!! I'm so stressed out!!

It's so dumb, I wish I could have seen this coming sooner, then maybe I would have been more prepared... I am now more wary of helping out others. It's not a very pleasant feeling when you would not think twice about helping a friend - but they won't do shit for you!!! CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS. Right now I am only so grateful that my producer (and his producing partner - both of who are also my classmates) aren't flaking out... I would be in serious trouble if they did.

I'm so sad :(

I don't know what to do!! I've had enough of New York and its flaky people.
Just frickin tired and sick of it.

:(

off to sleep this heartache away :(

ayo!

2010-09-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

OK.. first up, Selamat Hari Raya everyone!

Sorry, I'm like a week late... well just because mine was a rather subdued affair, as always. Went to the Consulate for some sorry excuse of a raya spread, then to watch The Last Exorcism with Ummi, Nadrah and Nadi... which was the more enjoyable part of the day!

Other than that, the week has flown by so swiftly! I had auditions, made my target goal on kickstarter (thank you friends!! *hearts*) and am finally super close to script locking...!! Now, opportunity has presented itself in two ways - should I go to Cleveland next week to meet my favorite PR contestant Valerie?! Or, do I stay and not spend any money and work on my thesis? Decisions! Decisions!

:(

By the by, I have started working. This picture is of the child that I take care of from 3.30pm to 6.30pm every day. It's not too bad, because I get to decide what we get to do. So far we've hung out at the Waterfront Plaza near her school (overlooking the East River) walked around the West Village and had Pink Berry, and yesterday we hung out at Highline for some pumpkin spiced doughnuts with cream cheese icing... so it's all good. Not too bad for a job that doesn't pay my rent! Haha!

So there was a tornado which I was totally unaware of!! I had my back leaned against my window watching ANTM and felt the walls shaking and thought it was just a heavy downpour or storm... and then realized it was a tornado!!! My neighbourhood got damaged pretty bad but I'm glad I made it back to Brooklyn before the tornado tore through New York!!! Crazy!!!

Ugh, this is a random, random post. Mostly because there's just way too much stuff that I have to get done before I can go rock-hunting! Ah!! Can't wait for the month/Oct/November to end. Like, seriously.

OK. Over and out.

MY WORLD IS FALLING APART!!!

2010-09-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm so stressed and tired!!

So pooped :(
Today was also my first job as a babysitter!
But the kid is a pretty neat 11 year old, so I'm not too worried.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
raya is like the last thing on my mind right now!!!!

26 Ramadan

2010-09-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

An old classmate, Raihana Zainudin, was involved in a car accident and passed away (along with an unborn child) We weren't close/kept in touch after school, but we were friends on facebook and she'd just gotten married earlier in the year. She was a really, really sweet person, and this should be a strong reminder for everyone - that life is so, so so short.

innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun.

RE/EDIT -
It's 11.39pm dah.. omg tiba-tiba rasa sebak gile2... kat sini berkejaran/menharapkan benda2 duniawi.. padahal persediaan utk mati belum lagi.. :( Dari Allah kita datang,dan kepadaAllah jualah kita kembali". to all ex-georgians tolong sedekahkan fatihah untuk arwah ye.. moga2 ditempatkan dgn orang2 yg beriman..

Updates..

2010-09-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

Wow, pejam celik pejam celik, dah tiga minggu setengah jadi jobless... honestly speaking, it's great getting more than enough hours of sleep that I am usually used to. But then I'm becoming an absolute sloth. I can't really go to the gym/run/work out because it's too hot outside and I'm still fasting, so I stay indoors with my AC on and it's hard not to fall asleep during the day (something that I have never done since I started living in New York)

And look! It's 3.20am and I'm wide awake, thanks to some very strong coffee.. (thinking I was going to write a new draft of my script, but.. oh well)

So far, so good. A total of 64 backers, $2150 pledged. But I'm getting worried because I have to raise roughly $1350 to reach a total of $3500 before I can get the money. Don't know if I will get enough people to pledge. It's nauseating also because I feel that I am a very *COUGH* private person (well I mean, I'm not the type to just strike a conversation with anyone I have never met before) but I'm being taught (by my more tweetvarsable better half, of course, who doesn't speak much in real life) to be all chatty to people on twitter (add me! @wayangworks) so that I'll be able to spread the word and get more people to pledge. But still! It's very overwhelming!! For the longest time I've been wanting to keep myself under the radar because I haven't felt like my body of work is worth flaunting off but aaaaaah. Seriously I think to make it I just have to learn to buat muka tebal and angkut bakul sendiri lah. Perangai malu-malu kucing ni hasn't brought me anywhere pun kan? Haishhh.

But recently over dinner with an upperclassman who worked with John Sayles said that I should really save this whole 'filmmaking student from NY' deal and just present myself as a filmmaker. At least people will think that I am more legit that way... in some way or the other I can't help but agree with her...

Anyway, I can't deal with being jobless.. seriously. I think I've been told that I can make my thesis film a full time job, but right now my crew is still in shambles and progress is very slow. On the flipside I have two producers instead of just one now, for which I am very grateful. The whole actor situation thing hasn't worked out yet... and ok, I would tell the whole story again here, now, but I think I'm going to save him some face and skip how inefficient and unprofessional this one actor has been. It's not very cool dude... not very cool at all. The least you can do is apologize for throwing me under the bus... :( but I guess tu lah. Perangai Melayu la kot.

Another week passing by... here's to hoping things start moving a bit faster. And I am so desperate for a job. Really.

Le sigh..

Tipping over the edge

2010-08-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Quite literally, I must say.
Although all this overwhelming support that I am getting is truly a blessing, coming closer to production with everything still hanging up in the air is driving me off the edge!!!

I don't even sleep tight at night, I am constantly waiting for my phone to vibrate with new emails (now I am a super-paranoid chronic email checker, to say the least) indicating that I have new backers, or even hearing back from my producers and the people that I've been reaching out to.

I am so so so scared!! :( That this won't happen for some reason.. :(
It's so hard to stay positive! Maybe I'm just being anal, but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OK.
Other than that, here's some of the funny job offers I've stumbled upon:
1) Cashier at a deli for $8 an hour (12 hours each Saturday and Sunday)
2) Full time nanny for the most ADORABLE Jewish kids (those who rattle in perfect Hebrew)
3) Cashier at a burger joint
4) Personal assistant for a 30+ year old exec from the Bronx ... lots of heavy lugging and postal services for peanuts of a salary

I am hoping against hope to get this writing gig soon. If not... maknanya makan pasir lah nanti :(

Wow, kita dah puasa nak dekat dua minggu. Craziness!!!
Thank you lovelies. Especially those yang dah pledge on my kickstarter page. I heart you guys a LOT!! HEART HEART HEART!!

ok kita tidoq dulu na.

SPECIAL AND URGENT REQUEST!!

2010-08-16T01:33:00.001-07:00

OK my lovely readers, of all ages.
As you all know and have read, money has always been an issue with me eversince I started living in New York.

Money, or rather, the lack of money.
(no thanks to my sponsors, USM and KPT. you guys can go.. hmphhhhhhhhh!)

I've always wanted to make a Malaysian film set in New York, and beginning of last year, I started visualizing a script - that would revolve entirely around the pivotal issue of money, and also the harsh realities of living in this city that never sleeps.

How living in New York has taught me - that when it comes down to it, it's all about tough
loving.

And quite honestly, the simple, animalistic need to survive.

SO. Coming to my main point.
Because I am on the verge of being entirely BROKE,
I really really need all of the support that I can get to ensure that I will graduate with a Masters of Fine Arts (Film &TV) degree from NYU... and honestly that can only happen with the help of all you!! Dear friends & family & silent readers from all across this globe...

Go to this page --

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/hujanpanas/hujan-panas-afternoon-rain-sos/

I know money is hard to come by and trust me, I would know :P
But a minimum of $5 (RM16) is all I ask from you!!

I promise undying gratitude, eternal friendship, and a pledge to help you in any way that is to my mental/physical capability (eh betul ke ni??)

Think of all the good memories and times that we've shared and I'm sure in the gargantuan amount of kindness that lies in each and everyone of your hearts, you'll find some space to pledge your support... (and a bit of cash also lah, boleh kannnn??)

SAYANG SEMUAAAAAAA!!!

MWAHMWAHMWAHHHHHHHHXOXO

What is happening to me?

2010-08-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

I really don't know, but why do I get super pening and rasa nak pitam since puasa started?
Earlier today I had to go to the city to pick some DVDs, and eventhough it wasn't a super hot day ('twas quite nice actually, cool breezy winds all around... my favourite boots/layers-wearing season is almost here!) I felt super lathergic. (Dr A -- although you are currently on vacation, can I get a free diagnosis? :P)

So I went to the dingy basement office in Chinatown, and for $60, I can get a job working as a cashier for 24 hour weekends at a deli in Manhattan for $8 an hour. I'm not sure if I should take it yet though... :( I'll see if I can get a babysitting job or something soon (not that I have any experience whatsoever) I have been thinking and working hard for my film too (thanks for the well wishes guys!!) and I may seem calm (but I've started having sleepless nights/anxiety attacks over it though.. ) And omg, I want to hit myself for picking an actor who's making probably RM100,000 a year and is constantly shooting something! I mean good for him, but... the least he can do is give me some face time and say 'YES' or 'NO'. Ni nak draaaaaaaag along and his manager, despite seeming like a nice kid/agent in the making is potentially hopeless and does not know how to respond to emails (who uses hotmail these days anyway?) It's driving me off the wall. Like, seriously.

OK, you guys do know I'm rambling because (A) I malas nak buat keje (B) I love to distract myself from tasks at hand..
So, bear with me!

Weird story last week that I had forgotten to write about. Remember I told you guys about that kid who made me go crazy? The big nerdy kid whom I had to take care of, and produce a puny film for? Well the day of the screening (last Friday, in which I played Fake Proud Parent to two kids whose parents couldn't afford flight tickets to NY for their screening) this girl (who was in my crew the week of their music video shoot - their second week assignment, in which I produced a totally kick ass video! but, that's a different story) who's well, let's just say... is kind of booby (but she's not the type who flaunts her assets around, so I salute her for that) was sobbing out of the screening hall... I mean, I knew she was kind of a big baby, but this time she was bawling her eyes out. And later I found out that that annoying kid (the big goofy one) had dedicated a full entry on his blog (now taken off) about this girl's boobies... I mean, how SICK is that? So he was sent home before the screening even started, and I feel so sorry for his embarrassed parents... but not sorry for the kid! That ought to teach him how not to do things without thinking twice! I guess that's payback enough for all the times I've felt like socking it in his face!!! Oh before that, I totally had a Grey's Anatomy fan moment when Dr Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) just appeared out of the elevator at Tisch that Friday afternoon. I almost squealed in a true teenybopper fashion... but being me and my awkwardness around famous people, I pretended I didn't know who she was! SO SILLY OF ME.

Hmmm.. you know I'm always regaled with horror stories of producers who give great big promises and... well I guess I got a taste of that when I was home trying to raise this crazy insane amount of money. Promises of "hey, we'll commit to this, I'll give you a writing contract soon, I believe you have all this talent... " and when it came down it: absolute SILENCE. Email after email - I was never responded with clear cut answers. I mean, if my script wasn't good enough, I think I'd appreciate at least a rejection email, but no - this was beating around the bush and not saying it out straight. I was so sad!!! I had so much high hopes that probably this could be a flourishing producer-director relationship- but, no. Nothing of that sort. The only feeling that I had was - GILA KECIK HATI OK. But then, whatcha gonna do? Just move along and deal with it - producers/exec producers/people with money are going to be like that in this business and if I don't toughen up, I might as well just stay a pensyarah at a crappy *COUGH* apex university who's administration is sloppy as hell..

OK. Random story for the day. But I've been meaning to get this off my chest. But as a result/retaliation - albeit in a very childish way - I completely didn't finish a writing job in which I was already paid for. It's horrible, but hey, for the rest of the work that I did and wasn't paid for... I believe it evened everything out.

Colors - what do you guys think? Too feminine?? Opalescent is what this theme is called!!

NO IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!! It could be colors for my future apartment..

:P

OK I'm done writing and I should be getting back to doing SOME form of work..
Laters! xo

Actually...

2010-08-12T21:50:00.001-07:00

Macam banyak benda nak cerita sebenarnya. But it's 12.50AM and I just want to sleep. On a good note I've finally started a checklist! :)

I really don't know how I'm going to pull this off, but in the mean time.. nah, korang tengok lah ni... selamat berpuasa ya'll.. because I have lost touch with the world outside I actually terpuasa a day awal.. hahaha!! (cet, mana nak tau puasa kat sini hari khamis baru start)

Hujan Panas (Afternoon Rain) Teaser 2010 from on Vimeo.

3 days to being jobless.

2010-08-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

OK, I am so exhausted beyond words. Trying to shoot four shorts in four days already seemed like an impossibly impossible task, but throw in four whiny 17 year olds in there, and I am this close to losing my sanity.

(and when will I ever learn not to wear Chucks on shoots? End of the day balik dengan kaki lebam and blisters. Stupid me!)

Trust me when I say that I've had to physically strain myself to not throw a punch into one kid's face. Seriously. Not only was he ignorant and arrogant - he's also of the big awkward nerdy in glasses mommy's boy kind. Macam nak lempang pun ada gak. Nasib baik aku ni ada gak rasa berprikemanusiaan tengok muka 20 sen kau. Kalau tak dah lama aku humban masuk tasik semalam kat Central Park. EEEEEE GERAM!! Degil nak mampus!!! Oh my god, I keep thinking, if I have a child as stubborn as this, what in the world would I do??

Anyway, I know I have like loads of stuff I should be doing, but today I just needed a whole 24 hours to recover.. and finally had time to retrieve my package from the post office. This bright pink gym bag came in a bright hot pink packaging nonetheless! He's bribing me to go to the gym...!! I guess that's motivation... it's horrible really, whenever I'm extremely tired I just want to comfort myself with really bad artery clogging food. Like today it was cheap fried chicken, mashed potatoes, large iced-coffee, a diet rootbeer and Kinder Buenos. Argh!!!!

Oh, btw, everyone say hello to Puji!! She's chillin there by the window in the picture. That's my new cat!! I share her with Nana, my ex roomie who lives three blocks away. She is an annoying cat who likes to bite but loves being affectionate to strangers. She doesn't stink up my room so bad, and keeps me company by sleeping by my feet at night. So I guess she's an okay kitty.

I've forced myself not to write anything depressing just yet, because today I feel very nonchalant and blase about things.. wow I would love a massage right now. Too bad I can't freakin afford it!! Sob.

wow!

2010-07-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

shit is hitting the roof!
one bad news after the other.. seriously!
1) kene maki dgn vice consul dari Malaysian Consulate in NY
2) dapat surat from KPT saying that they will give me an extension.. without living allowance.. so, either (a) I can't shoot my thesis in September, (b) I have no money left to live here unless I find a paying job/hustle for paid shooting gigs, (c) I never graduate
3) my actor just emailed saying he might not be able to make it.. of course, when he's getting paid RM20K for a picture as opposed to whatever measly compensation I have promised him to be in my short... what would the obvious choice be for him?

nice, right?
LIFE IS AMAZING!
on top of that, it's 8.10am now, and I have to go to work... to those of you who are unaware of what I've been doing for the past three weeks - being the Teaching Assistant for bratty white 17 year olds who paid USD10 000 to be in a four week summer film boot camp.

UJIAN!!!!

:(

:(

:(

I just go in between the covers and cry all day today.

NAK BALIK BALIK :(

2010-07-06T08:31:00.001-07:00

Hahah! Nampak cam blog baru tak? I'm using this color because it reminds me of waters in Perhentian. So sejuk and calming. Tak jadi pindah pun, if I do move blogs I will let all of you know... so don't worry!!

Bencilah, datang je the weather is sweltering HOT. It's hotter than Malaysia ok. It's like 35 darjah celcius sekarang, and I don't have AC. My roommate gave me another fan, so now I have two fans blasting in my room, but still I'm practically melting with all this dry heat. It's supposed to rain Thursday and Friday and towards the weekend, so I'm definitely looking forward to that.

My flight was horrendous, save for the amazing bibimbap!!! Severe turbulence, and bayangkanlah from 13 hours because of the turbulence jadi 15 hours. Thank goodness that I got an aisle seat on both flights (KL-Incheon, Seoul-JFK) but unfortunately for me I had an annoying woman sitting next to me in the 15 hour flight, who took frequent bathroom breaks and would just tap me harshly to wake me up so I would make way for her. Grrrrreram.

I've been waking up and hoping that I am still back home!! :( Sad ok.
I haven't had the energy to go grocery shopping or pick up my cat, maybe later... work starts early Thursday morning pulak tu. Haishhhhh. And I'm sick, with a runny nose and bad sore throat in this HEAT! How can this possibly happen!!?? (and then he has the nerve to say, "you tau tak, orang kat Sahara desert tu pun dapat cold.. ni kan New York.") OK FINEEEE.

OK too much complaining. Other than that I had few amazing weeks back in Malaysia, and I am certainly looking forward to going home for good!!!

OVER AND OUT people.
Nanti lah malam-malam sikit maybe I will be more coherent. Panas ok. (PS/neraka lagi panas. ye saye tahu! :-S)

celaru. ya, amat!

2010-06-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

I think maybe I'll move (from this site) soon. Will keep those whom I'd like to keep in touch with in the loop. Btw, dah bermalam2 mimpi si Zahiril (alaaaa that guy, yang berlakon crite KAMI tu, dia kan yang jadi budak jahat... ni lepas jumpe that day ler.. ish tatau lah, dia tu cam budak baik gile ke, cam poyo sket ke pun ada gak dengan his red chucks) Mimpi visit rumah dia lah, mimpi dia komen2 skrip lah, macam-macam lah.. apa kes?! Whatever it is, he has to go through this vetting process la kan, cannot just cast him right away, what if he is super wrong for the paaaart?? He's so tiny in person too (shorter than me) and so damn nice (tapi muka bad boy gile) OMG! DONOOOO HWAAA

A few things have been bugging me of late. But.. ok lah, lepas dah patah semangat, demam, rasa cam dunia is on top of my shoulders, etc -- ok la let's not dwell on that... today, one of my bestest friends from New York got hitched! I am so, so happy for her. So, this post about Zahiril is dedicated to her... because last year, she dragged me and my other New Yorker friend Kat all the way back to the urbanscapes entrace to look for the guy again after we had passed him on the way back... :) Weddings are so much fun.. and emotional :(

OK tu je updates. Tulisan cam sampah, but woteva lah... nanti la tulis betul2 hokeyh.

day 7/malayland

2010-05-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with Afdlin Shauki!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NERVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

OK STOP HYPERVENTILATING.
STOP IT!

day 5/malayland

2010-05-19T02:29:00.001-07:00

This is getting really frustrating, hitting these walls.
And, I knew it.

I knew long before that I would absolutely detest being here.
I watch TV and look at people around me. And wonder how I can possibly face not being able to return to the city at all. He says I will get used to it... eventually.

Well, he's not the one calling me and making me feel like I'm wanted right now :(

ABSOLUTELY HATE IT.
Having to deal with stupid government officers/specifically orang Melayu PEMALAS who talk to me like I'm a complete moron just because I mentioned that I am still a 'STUDENT'.

At least there people treat me as an equal- you know, the devil that is America, how much you want to hate the people in the country - they treat everyone with much dignity and respect. I remember last year at my future employers' office (the so-called higher authorities at that freaking APEX university) laughed in my face when I mentioned how much money I would need to make another film, to be able to return with my degree. And also talked to me like I'm an uneducated minion fresh out of school. NO I AM NOT GOING TO KISS YOUR ASS.

Ugh, right now, nothing beats the stinking hell out of being able to walk the streets alone into my comfortable Brooklyn pad, snuggling in between the sheets with my darling new cat, Puji.

SOB.

Blah blah

2010-04-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

The Storyteller, Part 2

A song of longing I'm hoping to use for the ending in Wasurenagusa.

8 months ago

Everytime I see this it makes me really sad :(

Btw between emotional breakdowns, splitting headaches and overwhelming stress I can't really write right now.

Can't wait for the weekend - to chill, work on a tan, watch some films at Tribeca Film Fest, read and shop for some jeans.
Later, lovers!

BUSYYYYY

2010-04-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

SO BUSY OK!
1) endless shoots
2) hanging out with old/new friends
3) writing and rewriting my thesis script
4) meeting with teachers
5) keeping fit!!

<------- anyway, this is my first headshot assignment! (my aspiring actress neighbor across the street!)
Waiting for more to come!! :)

Okeh talk more later!
Now I am sick and hungry, but hoping I'll get to have Vietnamese later tonight! (Aishah: hint hint :P)

spring break day#3

2010-03-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Tengah kat ofis ni, menghabiskan logging gazillions of tapes!! AAAGHH!
But truth be told i would rather be here and finishing up my workload and earn some extra cash on the side. I think if I was on at home, I wouldn't be writing or doing work anyway... I would still be in bed, in my PJs, watching silly shows on hulu...

Sunday afternoon I went up a freaking rooftop to shoot the Brooklyn skyline. Seriously, the wind was so strong and someone told me, had I been up on the rooftop on Saturday I could have been toppled off because the winds were the strongest ever then. I remember when I was on that shoot in the Hamptons I almost fell off a balcony from the 3rd floor -- I had to man a light while the crew shot near the swimming pool on the lower level, and I had fallen asleep on an armchair so when they started screaming for me to swivel the light, I woke up, disoriented, ran towards the light and almost fell off before a classmate reached out to grab me. When you think of it, it's really dumb -- the stupid things you do in film school (for the sake of art)

I've been wanting to put up pictures from New Orleans, but haven't had the time to transfer stuff from my camera. Oh well. Soon! By the way I am really liking this tan I have, I hope it won't fade away so soon. Hehe.

There. She said it. Obsession. I've been trying really hard to resist seeing her for weeks now, she comes across as annoying but she can't say anything because that's her job. Besides she reminds of Liz Lee from MTV. So whatever. For now I have to concentrate on:
1) Changing my routine backwards
2) Concentrating on door frames, on storefronts, on people's jackets

And then I would be 50% there, so I should give myself some credit for that.

Anyway, ok! I finally saved barely enough to buy my ticket home, but I did! I guess I could have done without paying an extra hundred bucks and flown on Cathay Pacific but just thinking about how my butt will hurt (sitting 13 hours straight) from NY -->HK and the flight macam naik bus pun ade jugak, and how dirty it gets blearrrrrrghhhh I think I'll make do with Korean Air (even with the 12 hour layover) I might just take a train out to Seoul but mak saya cakap nanti sesat pastu tak ternaik connecting flight to KL. Hahah! But yes, mark your calendars lovers -- mid May I will be back home (for six weeks)

OK back to work!! It's so nice and sunny out I think I might get myself a milkshake!!!

spring, wooohooo!

2010-03-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

I came to work in flats today! Amazing, right?!
Got back from New Orleans last Monday, I'm still super exhausted and super tanned from the trip. Will post up pictures and more later...

I LOVE CHARGRILLED OYSTERS!!! Best gile!!
I also love New Orleans!! So purdyyyy... although really sad/depressing at the same time.

OK LATERRR LOVESSS

update! PS:/I LOVE H&M FOREVER

2010-03-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

Can't write long because mak saya dah marah-marah saya tulis blog panjang berjela tapi tak buat apa yang dia suruh saya buat.

BWEK.
I've been so tired of endless weekends of partying (because it's my last semester) and realize that my body can no longer take staying up until 4am, boo hoo :(

AND
Last Wednesday I gave admissions tours to prospective students and talked to (insert suave, macho voice) Mr Hollywood Man, "James." -- proceed with a firm, clammy, cold handshake. But I'm kind of disappointed that he's not as goofy or as aloof as he portrays himself to be (when he's playing himself on SNL or 30 Rock, did you guys watch those?? Funny kan!?) He's almost too cool for school. Whatevs!!

I'm flying OUT of New York tomorrow!! To New Orleans!! With five other people from my class whom I really, really like and get along very well with. Can't wait!!! I'm almost all packed up and ready. My flight out is 7AM, so gotta get up super early!!!

I'm getting ahead of myself now, but here's an idea --- if I have a fundraising party back home in KL, would you guys pay like, RM35 (USD10) to come?

BTW have been having really bad dreams lately. You know, you'd think that hurting in real life is bad enough as it is, but to feel the pain in your dreams -- tenfold the misery :(

Gotta run to work now, talk soon loves.
OH. I AM SO MAD I WILL BE MISSING Wani's baby shower. Benci korang!! HWAAAAAAA!!! Sedih ni :(

A couple of things..

2010-02-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

Third week into February, time is flying fast.

A couple of things.
1. For the past two weeks, I've watched: Julie & Julia, The Hurt Locker, Up in the Air, Post Grad, The Burning Plain. Pick of the month: Up in the Air (written/directed by Jason Reitman) It's so amazingly written, and while the chances of it winning Best Picture are slim - it's so good, that I wish I could write something like that. Even the screenplay is engaging.

It's the most sad and depressing movie I've seen so far -- but I absolutely LOVED it.
The perfect film to show a man who can't COMMIT.

And while I absolutely loved 21 Grams, Amorres Peros and Babel - The Burning Plain was a great big disappointment!! To think that all four films were written by the same person. HOWEVER -- this just goes to show: a good script can falter in the hands of an inexperienced director.

2. Congratulations Kat!! I'm so, so happy for you :) Seven years is worth the wait, kan? Hopefully I boleh dtg your wedding nanti, insyaAllah :) and I know you're going to be the gorgeous, blushing bride! I miss you here jugak!!! :(

3. So after someone says I'm 'complacent' yesterday a really good friend tells me, 'you've become so jaded!' Say whaaaa---at? Great, I came to New York to not become just that - jaded, but here I am. Jaded again. Guess it's high time for me to move on to bigger, better things...

4. OK. What's the deal here? Who has been distributing my silly film around? Dah lah tak siap lagi, I still need to put in score, and have the sound reworked on... but now it's been shown around :( That's not cool... and while I am very flattered to be screened with more established directors, I'm still bummed because it's not my best work. I can't even watch it ever again, without wanting to pull my hair out... ok, let's be positive here. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe people will stop and pay attention and I will attract investors to fund my future projects... kan? Kan? Kan?

5. Yesterday in cinematography class we had a demonstration on shooting 3D. At first I wasn't really bothered because I couldn't wrap my head around the concept, but now, after understanding how it works I think it's really, really cool. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm aspiring to shoot an entire narrative feature length film in 3D, but maybe work on a cool installation video with 3D. It'll be so cool!!! Last night I also contemplated on not going to a classmate's birthday celebration. But she came to my party and I felt indebted! So I did. It was at this really cool speakeasy bar in LES - think red velvet walls, a fireplace (!!) and an uber cool back alley entrance.. well not to ramble, I'm glad I went because it was fun hanging out with friends from school :)

6. I hate feeling this way. Waking up every morning thinking that he's bored of me, and have second thoughts about what he's promised me. I'm really trying my best to hold back and give him space but it's so hard because when he's nice I become attached and I miss him even more so, and I want to call and text and make sure he's doing okay. Is it so wrong to care about someone so much? Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think... I think it's really time for NC (which means... well, google 'break up NC'...)

7. Biggest motivation of running: THUNDER thighs. I mean, you gotta need something that inspires you to suffer through 30 minutes of bursting your lungs/torturing yourself with stitches/wanting to just curl up and scream "WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS?!?!" And fact: I run best with Britney Spears blasting out loud.

OK, I'm really just bored at work, seems like I hardly have anything to do over here when I come in during office hours. BUT! I'm super excited for this weekend!! Shutter Island/a classmate's Glitter Party!! Happiness!! So yes, there is NO REASON TO FEEL BAD. THE VOICE OF SELF-LOATHING - SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!

happy party :)

2010-02-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

My roommate Amy and I sit on the couch, staring at all the food around us.
It's 8.05pm.

"What are we going to do with all the foooooooood?" we both whine.

Then people came streaming in and didn't stop coming until 4.30am.
Party= success!

Happy! :)

Because I should've been in Webster Hall tonight, watching Kings of Convenience live, but of course one of them had to get sick and cancel the New York shows - so out of spite I'm going to let you guys listen to one of my favourite songs of all time --- but not by KOC!! Hahaha!

I AM NOT

2010-02-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

COMPLACENT!!

AAAAAAAAAAGH :(
So maybe this isn't the FIRST time somebody's said that to me, but I REALLY need to start working twice as hard from now on :(

Anyway, party tomorrow!! I wonder who will turn up...
Then, Kings of Convenience on Saturday night (by myself.. sobs)

Yay!!!

EXCITEDDDD

2010-02-03T11:19:00.001-08:00

I'm going to New Orleans for a week in March!! All expenses paid..... YAYYYYYYYYYY HAPPINESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

It is for this :)

pet peeve#1

2010-01-31T08:27:00.000-08:00

I absolutely loathe the term 'tudung girl'
Sorry, but I don't see you calling a girl who doesn't cover her hair 'free hair girl' -- she's just a 'girl'.

"I saw that tudung girl so I had to hide my beer"

"I got hassled by tudung girls today"

WTF.

It's completely derogatory, if I do say so myself.

PS/Now I know that fresh blueberries taste so much better with pancakes than blueberry pie filling from a can. Bliss on a Sunday morning!

spring part deux.. WAIT A SECOND. IT'S NOT SPRING YET.. AAAAAA

2010-01-28T12:33:00.001-08:00

1. Benci lah. I really thought the weather was going to get lovelier... I've really been looking forward to walking out in flats and flip flops. And not having to bundle myself in an ugly bubble jacket with its popping buttons. I woke up this morning to... snow falling. Pretty, but annoying.

2. Work. I could be a lot more productive, but I find myself spending more and more time trying to organize my life than getting things done... le sigh..

3. Future plans. It's almost February, now the thought of wanting to shoot my thesis film in September scares me. Not to mention that right now it seems that all of February and March will be busy months playing cinematographer... and whatever happened to wanting to start on that feature script?! I wish I wasn't such a lousy/lazy writer.

4. I think hipsters are nice people, but I don't think I can stand being holed up with them in a bar for long periods of time :(

5. Sourgrapes moment: Sundance looks like so much fun :( I WISH I WAS IN PARK CITY!!! :(

6. Turning 26. I made a toast over a small dinner party hosted by a good friend from school - to be happier! :) It's been a week and I have been content.. and diamonds are truly a girl's best friend :) I boxed up my first and kept it cleverly hidden, because remembering hurts :( But then came along this new one on the eve of my birthday - engraved with 375 so I know it's the real deal. Happiness indeed.

7. More and more people are dying young... and of cancer :( One of my new year's resolutions: to be grateful to God that I get to wake up everyday... healthy and alive. And to remember Him every night that he's let me live yet another day.

8. I think I can stop seeing Brooke now because I'm done with the crazies.

9. I think I might want to shoot another documentary. I've always said that I don't enjoy it, but then it's the closest you get to experiencing real people and real life situations. One weekend I went to a funeral in Jersey, the next day I was in a beautiful church taping a sermon in Spanish. Then I'm somewhere in Queens following a Colombian woman dropping off her children to their physically/emotionally abusive father at an undisclosed location...

Maybe on whaling?

10. First arson attacks. Then wild boar heads. I don't get it!!!

11. Stop Apple hating please. Just because the whole world is making fun of Steve Jobs picking such a shiteous name for such a cool gadget, doesn't mean you have to get into it too... it's really lame, especially when most of them haters are probably PC users... so scmi-Pad, iPad, whatever. The name doesn't undermine the coolness of it even one bit. Sure it's got its flaws, but you have to admit it is a pretty nifty gadget to have.

12. Starting to develop this weird sleeping pattern of late. I don't know why.

13. I said I was sorry, and I'm sorry :(

14. With another 3 months of school... I'm really over it. Almost over it. Beginning to feel that I am done with this city, at least for now.

15. Teringin nak makan ketam lagi!!!

What a random post. Later lovelies. And thanks so much for the birthday wishes, I couldn't possibly reply to all but I will in time... thank you!!! xoxo

spring part un

2010-01-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

2010! Houston! Birthday!
My heart shaped diamond pendant :)
Soon.

But first, two pictures.
23/1/2010:

i. Prospect Park, thrifting, skating, Wendy's, downtown Brooklyn

ii. my first sewing project: a boatneck tunic dress made with silk chiffon fabric bought at the Fashion District.. using the jankiest sewing machine from Urban Outfitters my sister got me for my birthday!

OK later loves, gotta leave for a film shoot in Jersey!
xo

winter blues #8

2010-01-11T21:03:00.001-08:00

No, do not feel bad because you said NO twice today!!!
No. I will NOT feel bad.

ARGHHHH!!

winter blues #7

2010-01-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

* une
So, what's the deal with burning churches, people?
Some will say it's political.
I will say it's the lack of proper education and the misguided conception of ketuanan Melayu...

:(
For a split second, it got me really scared. First, the whole dead cow head protest. Tak malu gile ke jadi orang Melayu sekarang? Macam orang purba... nak protest tapi guna cara budak sekolah.

Matlamat tak menghalalkan cara.
EEEEEE.

* deux
OK. Enough.
I'm DP-ing a super hipster horror short in the next two weeks. It's totally non-school related and pro-bono (why did I say yes again? Shot myself in the foot, too soon there... ok the only reason is so that I can add things to my DP reel... seems that most of the money I make these days are from shooting... not writing, directing, or... erm, cable-wrangling)

I'm going back to work next week too. WTF... whatever happened to my plans of not doing anything and laying in bed all day? :( I think I've only had maybe a good five days of that.

I am really annoyed with the way they're directing/editing BB... :( It's not like I'm anal whatever but then it's just sloppy that it gets me annoyed... I'm not enjoying this whole writing business and then having someone else direct/edit my work. Not cool.

* trois
An old friend said this to me yesterday, "so enjoy to the fullest what you have already with you right now, because it wont last....and love will find its way, it always does.." Of course, it was more long winded that that but it made me almost cry, reading what he wrote... back then, this friend would come pick me up from my hostel in Cyberjaya and we would drown ourselves in teh-ais while he lamented on his unfortunate love life.. how times have passed!

Yet we find ourselves at this point again - broken so badly by the people we love the most, and hoping that in time we will become stronger and more resilient... and believe that things get worse only so they can get better..

My heart feels a lot lighter... someone said, in time, it gets quieter. It really does.
But why is it that every single night I pray that he goes far away, and stop permeating my thoughts... he comes back, when I least expect it :(

Be good, lovers.

winter blues #6

2010-01-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

Hari ni malas nak gi gym. Besides, later tuan si Baby will be taking her home. I'm so sad!! There will be no more white furball to annoy/play/manja-manja with for the rest of my break :( This morning she crept into the nook of my arm while I was sleeping... after that she went berserk and I had to give her catweed so she'd chill a bit. Good thing is she's been making amends with Monk, the resident cat here... but too bad she's leaving already... :(

CAT LADY SPEAK OH THE HORRORS

Btw I just bought myself tickets to warmer weather the weekend before school starts... my mission is to hunt down Rodarte for Target's mustard yellow dress in MY size... but now, now I just I wish I could get my paychecks sooner... so I can buy more things that will make me HAPPY!!!

Oh! Last week I went to the Fashion District to buy some cheap fabric to make dresses with my mini sewing machine :) Tapi I forgot that I need extra sharp shears to cut cloth... and today since I'm melepeting kat rumah I just have to wait until tomorrow to get them... le sigh.

Happy besday Minah! You are old. But people will always think you are the older sister. Hahahaahhaha!!!

OK off to clean some cat poopie.

winter blues #5

2010-01-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

God, I'm still wide awake at 3am! :(

For the past four days I've been busy bee-ing a tourist guide to my brother and my sister in law... ok la jugak diorang ni datang NY -- takde lah bosan masa New Year's eve (party hopping plans terus tak jadi) and we walked 20 blocks trying to get into the barricades of Times Square, only to hop on the 6 train to Union Square and ushered 2010 watching Sherlock Holmes...

I think I managed to cover most touristy/non-touristy parts of the city, except for maybe laying on the grass near Dumbo in downtown Brooklyn, brunching in Williamsburg... oh and the amazing gelato at Chelsea Market because it was closed (which I don't think they minded missing anyways) We planned on renting a car for a road trip to DC/Boston/Philly tapi in the end tak jadi because we woke up super late every morning...

Here's a picture of my highlight of family bonding time over four days:
(Takmo letak gambar diorang, nanti my brother perasan glamour... haha)

Lobsters! And crabs! And I found the BEST MALAYSIAN restaurant in New York ever!!! (in the tragically hip West Village.. how ironic!)
I also got to go ice-skating at Bryant Park... which was super fun, because it wasn't too cold and it was snowing flurries.. :) I'll also be going ice-skating again with my friend/colleague Peggy later this week... yeah gotta find a bigger rink...

Two more weeks of winter break. I wonder what happened to my plans of finishing a first draft of my feature... hahaahaha. Well, we'll see..
I'm listening to a lot of this and somehow it's making me miss late nights cruising the streets in KL... or lepak kat mamak after a gig at Bangsar... or whatever lah, it's making me miss KL like crazy... :( --- although I did grow up in Penang!!! (it's an entirely different feeling... really)

Sedihlah :(

I'm on week 5 of C25K now... can't even start to think running 8 minutes straight. Mesti semua orang pelik, why am I suddenly into running/sports.. ? Well I will be turning 26 in less than 17 days, I'm just trying to keep fit... and besides, when I started I was just really angry, and it's good to have a routine when you feel like your life is spiralling downwards (in my case, trying to get over my 2 1/2 year relationship which went kaput) But anyways. 2010. Yes, I believe you will do me good, if I do say so myself :)

Congratulations to those who have tied the knot! And gotten engaged!! And have storks delivering babies on the way!
May you be blessed with long-live joy, happiness and prosperity.. (cis, cam raye cine lak)

OK the bed beckons... it's only 3 more hours before the kids wake me up for food.. :( It's hard being a cat lady ok!!!
:P

peace out y'all.

winter blues #4

2010-01-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

2010 is already looking up :)

winterim reading #un

2009-12-31T09:38:00.000-08:00

http://voize.my/events/arts-culture/yasmin%E2%80%99s-reluctant-critic-%E2%80%93-a-tribute-by-mansor

Now this, this is a joke of a person.
I aspire never to become him.

winter blues #3

2009-12-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

It's funny how the universe works.
It's bizarre how opportunity presents itself when you're hitting rock bottom.

I could be broke. I could be a complete failure at school. I could be terminally ill, or bed-ridden. There could be so many other things that I could be... but because I get to wake up every morning and feel fine, and am able to walk and run and live my life the way I want to, I could potentially... be happy. In so many other ways than not.

And for that, carpe diem, I say.

winter blues #2

2009-12-29T14:59:00.001-08:00

Gosh, I need to fucking CHILL already.

winter blues #1

2009-12-28T14:26:00.001-08:00

7AM/Sunday on the way to shoot a Sunday mass for this documentary I'm working on. After all the jebus overload I fell asleep during the sermon... what kind of doc shooter sleeps on the job?! The pastor wasn't pissed... he just said, "Bless you documentary people! May God Bless you!"

Amidst working 5 days last week, I managed to catch Avatar 3D and The Lovely Bones... can't say which one I liked better though. But I've been watching a lot of BTS: Avatar on youtube and I'm really liking this performance capture technology thing I'm seeing. It's uber cool. Even all the live action stuff was in 3D.. it was cool.

I've gotten so bloody boring, I know.
Can't wait for the year to be over though... I'm ready for a blank slate.

To you.

First, I'm sorry. I have been an ignorant, selfish person.
I just thought that maybe, your life would be easier, and you would be much happier if I slipped away..

I guess I was wrong.
Can we be friends again?

winter B/R/E/A/K

2009-12-23T21:28:00.000-08:00

made a week and a half after my heart got broken. to bits and pieces. having a thing with film roll outs.

..

2009-12-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

where is Brooke when I need her?
place a marble in one hand..

:(

lesson: numero uno

2009-12-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

an avalanche of swirling thoughts.

place a marble in one hand, close your eyes and both your hands.
hold them tight, and concentrate on both at once - the one hand with, and the other without.

break the avalanche of swirling thoughts.
now, breathe.

and move on.

Woke up this morning feeling absolutely-

2009-11-20T09:56:00.000-08:00

SHITTY.

And now I'm at work, shaking my leg while waiting digitizing sctuff AND watching one video after the next...

I mean, come on, how can you not absolutely love them?

It really, really, really sucks when you find good music and don't have anyone to share it with anymore.

:(

My current love.

2009-11-19T19:10:00.001-08:00

THE XX.

Back from the dead.

2009-11-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

Day 3 of No More Tears.
I had a wonderful weekend - Friday with friends, frozen yogurt by the ounce at St. Mark's, a trip to the village psychic (I'll save the story for another day..) Lazy Saturday and Sunday of nothingness... plus a weird phone call which has left the door open. Again.

But I'm not going to sit and wait.
I'm not.

On another note, to those of you in Malaysia, watch the new season of Blogger Boy on 8tv every Thursday at 9.30pm!!! I'm so excited... even if I do have this last script pending completion, and can't watch it from here... so you guys should watch it and tell me if I can write comedies for shits.. hohoho.

OVER and OUT.

It's the End.

2009-11-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

It's done.

Thirty one months.
I've done everything within my capacity to love you.
But perhaps this was never meant to be.

I wish you well.

While I collect my thoughts and pick up pieces of myself, I shall be away.

Be good, lovers.

I wish..

2009-11-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

I wish I could tell you what it felt like to be in a sea of 42 000 runners.
How another way you could join the marathon would be by running for charity... which is what a lot of people tend to do.
How cold it was this morning, but how happy people were that it was that cold because it was ideal weather.
How amazing the view is when you start off from Fort Wadsworth..
How this could... someday, be possible for you too.

I miss you so much :(

YOYO

2009-10-29T22:14:00.001-07:00

A yo-yo of emotions, yes.
I don't know if I'm OK.
It's been 4 days and I've been shut off completely.

Really, do I really not mean anything more to you?

:(

I'm hoping my first paid videographer gig ($350 for a 7 hour job) at the ING NYC marathon will at least give me some distraction, or self fulfillment. Then I am going to buy that Marc for Marc Jacobs bag, and feel SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS.

:)

2009-10-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do believe in seeking strength from the Almighty.

When everything else seems to have fallen apart, new things in good forms appear..
Never underestimate the power of prayers, or doa...

I am a happy bunny today!!!
HAPPY.

This storm shall pass, I know it will. Slowly, but surely.

Thank you.

2009-10-26T04:36:00.001-07:00

You've really, really hurt me.

Tears.

2009-10-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

I really want to cry... and feel something.

But I can't seem to emote..

:(

2009-10-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

Did you know that when you lay your head sideways in a bathtub, you hear rushing water against your ear. You can almost pretend that you have your eyes closed while the plane is preparing for take off.

And then you're back home, and everything's fine, just stick those band-aids on the broken bits and everything's back to normal and everything is fine again.

Then when the water suddenly starts rushing up and you realize your face is halfway submerged in water and if you don't wake up, don't get up, although you want to lie down in the bathtub and pretend that you're not here, halfway across the world but you're back home and you're near the one you really love and everything is okay you have to bring yourself up before water starts filling through your ears and sting your eyes and clog your nose and you can't breathe and then you rise you choke and then the truth of the reality hits you like a sharp plasma beam -

That this hurts so, so much.
And you can't do anything about it.

:(

2009-10-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

I've had a really bad morning, a really bad week, a really bad MONTH.
I am so overwhelmed with work.

But here I am digging my own grave... I don't know why I keep on doing this. I don't know why I like to put the one thing that's going good for me in complete jeopardy. Sometimes I wonder why I even do the things I do... and say the things I say... I can be so, so thoughtless sometimes.

I HATE IT!
:(

What the fuck am I doing? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE?? Gosh I've been depressed before but it's going from bad to worse. From unloading my problems to my boss, my teacher, anyone... then I tell myself, well, I'll give myself time to unwind, I'll try to breathe, watch some mindless tv, sleep a lot.. and then still feel horrible after all that, that it makes me really, really angry. Then when I'm feeling down in the dumps I drag him along with me... bringing up things that don't make any sense, demanding that he be extra attentive and sensitive to my needs, and now when he's had enough and tells me he can't take it anymore, I'm the one on the losing end. Life is so unfair... why must it be so good at one point and be so horrible at another??? :(

I just want to cry and sleep and forget about everything.. and then there's all this other shit to do.. like, school and work and my body feeling like crap because I haven't exactly taken the time to take care of myself... It's like I already have all this shit to think about, and now it's eating up into my relationship, and it's so ridicuuloooouuuuuuuuuuuuuussss that he would think of something so harsh like breaking up.. I mean like... just two days ago we were perfectly happy and he says he loves me and can't wait for me to come back for good and sends me pictures of our cat and says things like he wishes I was home and now it's like, well, "I don't really love you so much right now because you're being ridiculous and don't make any sense.." WELL MAYBE I AM BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH... ? Through the good and bad times???

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSS
This fucking sucks. Tell me that a chemical imbalance in your body makes you say things like, "I hate you" or "I'm going to throw myself in front of a car and then I'll be dead and then you'll be happy"

:(

my weekend in a nutshell.

2009-10-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

Hari Sabtu: main-main camera kat sekolah.
Malam Sabtu: first pegi tengok WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (where my Jap-Polish classmate, after walking around like proclaiming, "I'm an Asian THUG!" around Times Square got teary eyed... "I got daddy issues, ok!?" ) lepas tu main-main tangkap gambar dengan kawan-kawan kat party (my favorite Norwegian couple)
Hari Ahad: termenung depan komputer pasal takde idea lepas tu amek video kucing rumet

OMG why am I running out of ideas when I need them the most?!?
I've been so uninspired of late...

:(

BOOOO!!!!
OK while I'm on the subject.
I understand all the hype that's surrounding WTWTA - unfortunately I found myself being in and out of it at times. There's no narrative structure, but a lot of unknowingly real, touching emotional beats. Maybe if I had grown up reading the book the movie would have had a bigger impact on me. After all, it's an adult's children movie. HOWEVER, Max Record is an amazing kid actor! You know when you're a kid, and sometimes your older brother or sister or mom or dad kid around with you, and you're laughing until it gets too far then you realize you're crying because they've stepped over the line and you get really, really upset... or the times that you get really, really angry because of something (well I got angry once when I was younger for missing my favourite Jap tv show Mario Attack.. ) and you're not in a position of power where you can slap/hit/bite that person you're angry at, and you roar and rant and trash something (in my case a flower vase?) Well yeah. This movie will remind you just of those moments... but of course, the Wild Things were adorable and scary at the same time, and the ending quite a tearjerker... I must say...

Antichrist this Friday next!!!

I WISHHHHH..

2009-10-17T00:37:00.000-07:00

DAMNIT!! I WISH I COULD WRITE LIKE THOSE WRITERS ON GREY'S... NOT JUST ON AUTO-PILOT OR FOR THE SAKE OF FRICKIN FINISHING SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGG

I JUST EMAILED EPISODE 24 AND GOOD LORD IT WAS AWFULLLLLLL WORST THAN THE LAST. I THINK I'LL GET FIRED SOON FOR A) BEING SO FRICKIN TARDY AND B) BEING SOOO FRICKIN UNTALENTED!!!!!

Ra-ra-ra-rantings!

2009-10-16T11:19:00.001-07:00

Ergh, it's Friday. Already? WTF?
I should be excited. I told myself I'd go watch Where the Wild Things Are and New York, I Love You if things went well. Well, of course things never go as you plan!! Major accomplishment = finished the first draft of my thesis script, which my class hated!!! Now I have to go through a major rewrite by MONDAY... and find actors who'd be willing to be cast for my table reading. It really kind of sucks for the actors because it's not a real audition, it's just a freakin table reading where you sit and read lines from the script. Aaaaaaaargh. I don't know. And then I have that 30 sec commercial spot I've yet to finalize... all in all this really sucks. Some people in my class were also trying to refine their feature film script drafts to submit for the Sundance Lab, but I can't... I can't take that on, not right now :(

AAAAAAAARHHHH THIS IS ALL SO OVERWHELMINGGGGGG

What is up with the weather? Everytime the temperature drops I feel like I'm getting a fever... last week it was fine, it was gradually dropping but today it's like 7 celcius... I desperately need an in-between jacket because now I'm just layering my ratty 2 year old sweater with different thin blazers which really don't help with the chills. I can't use my winter jacket just yet because I'll look like a ridiculous eskimo in Fall... FML. But today's paycheck day ---- surprisingly more than I thought I would get, but that's going into my commercial shoot funds... :( can life get any more complicated than this??

and I'm struggling to finish this BB script... I'm not as inspired to write for it anymore, especially when I have other legit things to do, and especially when it feels like I'm back in advertising all over again... minus the fun parts when I'd come in to work in the morning, only to be greeted with chocolates, pastries, cookies and random whatnots on my desk as bribery to get my work done in time for deadlines (by the suits... sometimes they'd bribe me with free indoor parking for a week... which was sweet, considering it was RM5 to park on that plot of land on Jalan P. Ramlee..) BUT NOW IT'S LIKE HEY! I HAVEN'T BEEN PAID FOR THE PAST 80 PAGES I've written, and you're breathing down my neck for the next 20? :( Sobs OK I'm complaining :( I know I shouldn't be, I mean it is a great opportunity of getting one foot in the door... right? Right? Right.......??????

OMG I AM RANTING SO MUCH.
I figure that I have to rant as much as possible before the next time I talk to my boyfriend, so he'll be spared of my incessant whinings, boo (I mean like, what are boyfriends for, right?) But hey yeah, I should learn how to be more optimistic about things even if I feel that my back is about to break and that my arms are falling off, or how I don't ever get enough sleep... and the list goes on.

OVER AND OUT Y'ALL.

Procrastinating..

2009-10-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

Ah, the cutest actors are always the worst!

Fact #1

2009-10-12T19:21:00.001-07:00

I REALLY LOVE GREY'S ANATOMY.
I don't care what you think, the writing is so good.

Pandora is Love

2009-10-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Last Friday was perfect, Pandora, rainy morning, nothing to do at work, Indian lunch with a new friend/colleague. Then the weekend came; laundry + grocery + afternoon nap + night in + long silly conversation with the boyfriend over skype = my ideal Saturday! Sunday was spent in the sound stage at school for a master class session with DP Fred Elmes , tea of bubur pulut hitam (my current obsession!) with Nadi & friend before rushing off to Chloe's for oxtail stew and corn bread over Family Guy...

It was a good weekend, absolutely.
Did I get any work done?
HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA@#("@!($)$@)$!)!)!)!!)!)!#(!_#_!#)_#)

I find myself skipping my Monday afternoon class and evening work shift at the library on the pretext of -
A) feeling unwell (like Monday last week, and the week before, and the week before the week before)
B) needing to go home and finish writing this freaking thesis script..

But fell asleep instead!

EPIC FAIL.
Maybe all I need is motivation. OK, if this week goes smoothly I am rewarding myself with -
A) Where The Wild Things Are
B) New York, I Love You

Now off to write..

So tired.

2009-10-07T10:52:00.001-07:00

Only one month into school and I'm so, so so tired.
Who knew having three jobs (tech-assisting, videographer-ing, and freelance screenwriting) could suck so much? Especially when my meager pay can't pay for a decent pair of boots.

:(

Cinemanila 2009- DECLINED

2009-09-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

5 rejections in a row..

:(

HAPPY HAPPY!!

2009-09-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

OK OK just wanted to write this down before I lose my enthusiasm..
After having not much sleep, sprinting like an idiot to Spike's class today, losing breath, thinking that his class wasn't AS super amazing as I thought it would be - of course it just became THE MOST CRAZY AMAZING CLASS EVER after CLIVE OWEN walks into the room, and everyone starts freaking out because we had just watched 10 minutes into Inside Man (and was groaning when Spike said to stop playing the DVD and the lights came back on)

I'm not much of a fangirl but if there was a Hollywood actor that I would ever imagine working with, it would be him. I mean, I'm sure most people have seen Children of Men (freaking genius) and Closer (... sigh. HOT) and for someone who doesn't EVER ask questions in class, I made up some silly questions just so I could talk to him... lame ass, I know, but I really didn't care.

Then in camera class I got to play around with the RED and that was cool.. and then I came home to a nice fat check from my insurance company as compensation for the broken LCD screen monitor of my 15' MacBookPro...

One of those rare, sweeeeeet days :)

SHOUTOUT TO EIDA!! SORRY WEIH.. AKU BUSY.. bukan sengaja nak lupa kat hang... selamat hari rayaa!!!! MWAHMWAH I WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU SOON K?? XOXO

Le sigh.

2009-09-16T21:41:00.001-07:00

Ugh, blogger makes my pictures look really bad!
I'm so tired of being stressed out about random school (bureaucracy).
I should have been writing my script since I got back, but I spent 2 hours making dinner and watching 90210, and another 3 hours at Matt's listening to random music and talking shit about people.

OK time to sleep.

Hrrrrrmmms..

2009-09-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know, things like these - make me really angry sometimes. That's a whole load of money to blow off on a really silly film with a bunch of non-trained actors, takat muka boleh pakai, AF has-beens... I don't mind horror films but I absolutely loathe ones that insult the intelligence of average movie-goers.

I had the most amazing awesome commercial class this morning, and an even more amazing directing the actor class with this former Oscar winning actress later in the afternoon. She was such a beautiful, beautiful woman before this happened. But she was still charismatically amazing, nevertheless!!!

Random post kucing!

2009-09-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's end of Sunday.. already?!?! YE KE?!?!

2009-09-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

Here is my super big room in my really nice apartment in Bushwick, Brooklyn. My roommate's home so I can't go out and take pictures of the living room, kitchen and her really adorable fat cat, Monk. Maybe next week when I have the time I'll go around and take pictures of the lovely Puerto Rican (I believe, but I could honestly be wrong) neighborhood I live in.

Anyway, what happened to my weekend?!!?
Shaitz.

First week of my last year in school, pretty boring generic random stuff. I had my first day at work here too, last Friday. I thought I could come in and just chill but I had to like, make an inventory and run errands, and erm, stuff. Well I guess I can't sit on my ass and expect to be paid now (not anymore)

MMMM OTHER THAN THAAAAT, this is my favourite hands down for now, I'm not really crazy about KJ or his antics but dia ni macam boleh jadik pelakon lah. Lawak ok.

OMG RAYA IS NEXT WEEK.
Oh I'm also watching Talentime in spurts now. It's not as interesting as I thought it would be. Although, I can't help but feel really, really sad watching it, it reminds me of how Yasmin isn't here anymore. Al-Fatihah!

Note to self: Malaysian Alcatraz - Pulau Jerejak

PS/OK soalan perasan sekarang -- I think I know those who read what I write, tapi korang yang lain ni dari mane... I'm curious. Tapi kalau tak nak bagitau takpe. Tak kisah. Gedik nak tau je.

Another rejection.. really?

2009-09-09T22:28:00.001-07:00

Was the last film I made really THAT bad.. ?

:(

summer is over...

2009-09-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Crap, I don't get it.
I don't know you, I don't want to know you, but I see you in my dreams ALL THE TIME. I know I'm not supposed to be superstitious or take anything as signs but this is getting too creepy, even for me. STOP STOP APPEARING IN MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

summer update #15

2009-09-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well, summer will be officially over for me tomorrow.
Hey ho! I got two new jobs at school. Hoping that I will max the 20 hour work limit. So I can save some dough to make a moooovie. Or, buy an apartment. Or, pay my DEBT. Or, splurge on a MARC JACOBS BAG.

On the other hand I didn't write crap for my thesis film.. which is due tomorrow!! HAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!@$#$@#$@#!!@#!@#!@#!@$%$^%^&%^

OK over and OUT.

SO ANNOYEEEEEEEEEED

2009-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

Ergh ergh I need to rant I'm soooo hating school right now.... hate hate hate hate hate hate hate... memang diorang racist tak suka orang Malaysia! Tak suka internationals.. ERGHHHHHH benci benci racist sial nak mampus benci benci benci benci benci benci benciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I AM SO DONE WITH YOU FUCKING NYU!

summer update #14

2009-08-31T01:26:00.000-07:00

So far it's been a really blessed Ramadhan week!
Been buka-puasa-ing with friends, free food galore over Friday and Saturday - all I have to say is alhammmmdullilllaaaaaahhh.

Other than that I'm up rewriting Ep7. Hari tu termimpi jumpa Budi. Haaaaaih. It's almost taking over my life... and I have to submit my thesis script this Friday...

I'm thinking whether I should buy tickets to Kings of Convenience. And Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Mmmm. Thinking.

rest in peace, my baby.

2009-08-24T19:08:00.001-07:00

Bye sweetheart. You kept me warm through winter nights, and kept me company during bouts of loneliness.

It kills me knowing how you passed on - it kills me knowing that the only way to stop your suffering was to put you to sleep. It kills me knowing that I'll no longer be able to breathe in your beautiful coat of blue-grey fur, lovingly bite your soft pink paws, and play fetch with crumpled balls of paper with you...

Psyang, I love you, and will always miss you.

:(

:(

summer update #13

2009-08-20T06:56:00.000-07:00

Absolutely craving for this.

:(

summer update #12

2009-08-19T07:09:00.001-07:00

I guess it really helps, when you seem to be on a permanent (emotional) roller coaster ride, to be with someone who doesn't hold grudges, is forgiving and understanding about your need to act like a total loony bin sometimes.

What a way to start the day! A google conversation with a filmmaker who's actually made it!
Ah, he seems to have a plushy life. So there must be hope!

Note to self: STOP VEGETATING!

summer update #11

2009-08-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

I'm riding the subway lines and aaaaaargh I can't snap out of this weird... daze I'm in.
Like crap, I'm really back in stinking New York!!!

I don't know whether to be happy or joyous or sad or whatever.

The 21 + hour flight was treacherous as expected, food was awful, my cab driver totally ripped me off, but I got to walk into the uber cool white tunnel in the Mode office set (of Ugly Betty). I'm back in Bushwick thanks to my dearest Chloe who left keys to her apartment, and let me vegetate in her cosy room with A/C while she's away in Beijing..

Anyhoo, I think I found myself an apartment! It's really really nice. It's in Bushwick still, but I've got MY OWN FREAKIN ROOM WITH A DOOR, so I'm happy!!! So last Friday was the first time meeting my future roommate Amy after all that corresponding through facebook - she is ultra cool, super selamba and unlike any other Mat Sallehs I've met. And better still, she has a tv which she'll bring and told me I could use whenever. But best of all - she has the WII!!!

I watched two amazing films over the week.. well ok 3 if you count the one on free streaming. I'll write more later.
Oh, so I've also got a new job! So I wrote two episodes for this show (and almost died in the process.. here I am trying to pack to leave to New York and staying up the night trying to finish the re-writes.. ) thinking that they would never ask me to write again (the last revisions I sent in, honest to GOD I wrote while in a semi-comatose state... couldn't even make out what rubbish I was typing out on my dad's tiny netbook in the dark) but weirdly enough I'm being asked to write more. Well I guess my film is taking a backseat for now... and I'll just get all gelabah when I have a table reading in.. less than 12 weeks from now (ok that doesn't sound so bad.. if I can dish out 40 pages in a week, how hard could 8 pages be?!! ERGH. I'm just trying to make myself feel better here... after all the procrastination over the summer)

Blah blah blah melalut betul. I'm really starting to sound self-indulgent here.
I hate goodbyes! I hated frantically looking for you from below, knowing it's the last time you'd be there right in front of my eyes until I get to see you again --- but weirdly enough you suddenly said you can't wait for me to be back so we can jump on the bandwagon and be part of that elusive/exclusive club.. :P

OK OK bai.

summer update #10

2009-08-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

LIFE REALLY SUCKS!
I KNEW ONE THING OR THE OTHER WOULD SCREW ME OVER!

guess I'm staying at the airport for the week...... :(

summer update #9

2009-08-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

I've had a rather splendid week.

Thank you, God.

summer update #8

2009-07-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

See, bila depressed, mula lah idea mencurah2. Time time tak betul pulak tu.

Ade ke Adem call me INA NAIM!?!!!!

"You ni mcm forward thinking woman.. tapi bila hal boyfriend, terus jadi 'Bang, Ina mintak maaf bang, Ina tak buat lagi, Ina janji bang! Ina nak abang balik... Ina buat ape je abang nak Ina buat.."

SIOT!

PS/ Ni baru je spec script show dah nak menggelabah tak tentu pasal. ERGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

summer update #7

2009-07-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Mengadap MacBook Pro, sipping Caramel Macchiato Starbucks 13 ringgit, listening to Yuna, overlooking Jambatan Pulau Pinang, pakai baju kotak, outline series bertaburan atas meja..

Prententious..
Yang.
AMAT.

Nak layan emo...
:(

summer update #6

2009-07-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

I would never imagine that-

My source of comfort, love and happiness

could turn into
a selfish, cold blooded, god-forsaken sorry life of a being

who finds joy in hurting me in so many ways that I cannot count.

:(

yesterday I thought to myself -how would it feel like to fly?

down from a ninth floor apartment.

summer update #5

2009-07-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

Kucing Kuantan, Snowwie.

Eh silap ni Psyanngggg (huwa i misschuuu bebe)
Here!!! Cute kan? Too bad the boyfriend tak bagi bawak balik from Kuantan. Boohoo :(

OK updates next time ok. 4 more weeks before returning to the city... SO FASTT OK.
Haih.

summer update #4

2009-06-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Nadiah Ham... (nama kene protect ni, nanti kuar kat google search lak.. hehe)

On behalf of the LA Shorts Fest, we would like to thank you for submitting Sub Rosa for consideration to the 2009 Festival. We recognize the hard work and dedication in making a film, but we regret to inform you that your film was not selected for this year's Festival....

Blah blah blah. OK la whatever. Anyhoo I've been home for three weeks and a half now. I've met so many people and attended too many weddings already. Now it's time for some serious work (writing) But first let me mourn about how I wasn't selected to be in the commercial class.. out of 10 people they picked 8 and out of the 8 was not even me... I dono. Maybe they have something against whiny little Malaysians. WHATEVS. If tak dapat jugak I think I will do an indie study or take leave to work on someone's film. That film will have Clive Owen. Ha. Amek kau.

OK time post crite kuceng.

Psyang, I miss you so much. Nobody greets me whenever I get home... nobody nak mengekor ke sini ke sane anymore. Nobody is here to sit on my keyboard and tekan the volume button to the max while I am asleep. Nobody is here to temankan me while I try to do work. Nobody is here for me to play fetch with. Nobody is here to sibuk2 nak makan jugak while I eat. Nobody is here for me to give their paws for me to bite. Nobody is here to merengek suruh bukakkan pintu.

I misshhhyou yayang. I hope you are loved and taken care of well..

*SOBS*

In a way I cannot wait to be done with school. I spent the afternoon at the Curve with AhBenjies today and he's been making lots of $. Saving up to start up a business. I am so inspired!!! But I still have a year of school. In a way, I am also sad that New York is coming to an end (unless I plan to stay on longer) I'm also sad that my nearest/dearest have left the city for good. Who am I going to call whenever I have my silly phoner fights with my man? New York is a cold, hard place (as my friend Matthew puts it) and it helps to have people who speak in your language...BUT NOWWWWW...

Entahlah. People change and I really, really have to learn not to depend on anyone but myself.

Sigh. But the past two days I have learnt that I should not see my future (awaiting) job as a hindrance to what I really want to do. And I am excited at the prospects of coming home and starting something on my own.. I think.

Hari tu terserempak dengan idola. Tapi kenapa mesti buat loyar buruk bile berhadapan dengan orang tu? Cam la aku ni bagus sangat.. SIGGGH.
Actually nak letak gambar kucing kiut dari Kuantan (nama dia Snowwie) tapi blogger is fudgen up with me, so later la.

...

2009-06-01T03:02:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

:(

summer update #3

2009-05-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

When things like these happen, you get shocked. Even if you have no absolutely no connection to the victim.

Just numb, even for a split second.
And think about how short life can really be.
So there should be no question about believing in a Creator - a greater presence that controls the unthinkable.

Because when you're put in an undesired situation - such as the one above, there isn't anything else that you can possibly hold on to - except for faith.

summer update #2

2009-05-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

Beauty shots of a buglike dancer

Lighting from the rooftop.. and then freezing my ass off.

The shot that took forever.. but which was super awesome!

Really cool director/dp, handsome Iranian men in skinny jeans and a really friendly stranger-ful crew - not too bad for 16 hours worth of free labour.. (well ok I was given 20 bucks :P)

summer update #1

2009-05-22T23:08:00.001-07:00

Gaffing/AC-ing my first NYC music video shoot tomorrow. A Tehranian-US based band, stop motion and steadycam stuff -
PLEASE LET IT BE FUN!!!

ERGHHHHHHH

2009-05-22T00:35:00.000-07:00

I've been rather unproductive for the past two weeks (ok sorry I didn't get that AC-ing job.. this is what you get when you want to get paid sangat, orang pun dowan to hire me! bleh!)

Now will someone please take care of the shit in this apartment for me? So penat la every FREAKING YEAR I HAVE TO MOVEEEE. I hate feeling like a nomad. Hopefully this next (yet to be found) apartment will be a bit permanent. Permanent tu macam maybe more than a year la then I have to go home already...

I hate my crocodile tears. I went to embarass myself in front of my chair when we talked about my fast track to graduating. So I'm not going to make any films next year, I'm going to concentrate on finishing my thesis script and DP-ing stuff (hopefully, if people ask me to) Other than that he says I'm getting a really GOOOD scholarship from the school and I'll know by this Wednesday. I think for sure it's not the graduate assistantship (free ride and $1700 a month) .. but whatever. All that really matters is that I will have money to come back here and finish another year of school. Whatever.

I've been trying to ganti puasa, but I really should have done it during winter when the days were shorter. Now it's like fasting for 16 hours.. I might as well finish my last six days back home. OK.

Random.

Hah. Baru ada orang nak complain. So true. My worst experience ever. I mean I'm Melayu jugak but there would be a session where we'd break into smaller groups (Latihan Dalam Kumpulan) and then be made to debate over things like:

1) Katakanlah anda diminta untuk menganjurkan latihan/workshop (whatever lah, I'm paraphrasing) pengurusan masa untuk kakitangan pejabat kerajaan anda. Adakah anda akan memilih:
A. Syarikat motivasi bawah naungan parti pemimpin, walaupun syarikat itu masih baru dan tidak pernah mengendalikan sessi latihan sedemikian
B. Syarikat motivasi bawah naungan parti pembangkang, yang lebih berpengalaman dalam mengendalikan sessi latihan pengurusan masa

It was really weird. I was totally weirded out.

Babe I know we fight a lot and I always say that I'll leave you but deep down I know I never WILL.. TWELVE MORE DAYS I CAN'T WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT.

ok over and out.

Mood: content

2009-04-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

I am grateful.
Today I got new Nike shoes from Spike!!!

Doesn't matter that they are lime green and orange...
They were FREE! From an Oscar nominated film director!

Happy :)

:O

2009-04-29T19:42:00.001-07:00

JAW DROP.
JAW DROPPPPPPPPPP.
(SORRY APESAL BLOGGER NI TAKDE FONT LAGI BESAAAAAAAR)

omg HI YASMIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ergh i'm such a dork/fangirl i embarrass myself!!!!!!)

Mood: sedih

2009-04-29T17:57:00.001-07:00

So... I'll be screening my film this Sunday.. really can't be bothered to tweak my edit or whatever... everyone thinks that I'm free now since my film is over, but I still have like 100001 homework to be done... and classes to attend... and have to think about moving out etc...

Anyway, everyone in my class will have their family/friends who'll come support them at the screening... I don't know if anyone will turn up kat sini... so sedih. Now teringat pulak dulu last summer when I had those screenings kat Annexe.. then the one kat Urbanscapes... then the one kat Help... korang semua dah tengok berjuta2 kali pun sanggup datang kasi sapot gak kan... sanggup go through traffic KL yg cam haram, sanggup datang lepas penat keje satu hari...

HWAAAAAAAASAYANGKORANGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
*sob*sob*

One more thing.. sorry tapi takbleh blahhh la orang yang suka ckp pasal diri sendiri nonstop. sabar je tau. Bukan nak mengumpat or whatever tapi cam omg you're so full of yourself. Seriously. I'm not trying to come across as holier than thou ke whatevs but then cam omg you don't even bother asking how I've been, what I've been through, what I think, etc... you just wanna blah blah blah blah blah cerita about yourself... I can only tahan to a certain extent. Lepas tu sorry beb.. I mean.. I wanna be happy for you, I WAS happy for you, tapi lepas tu I just wanna strangle you because you just won't stop...
talking about yourself.

Another thing is... nape Yasmin Ahmad don't wanna add me back on facebook... I've asked her twice tau. I sent her long emails of adoration and have told her how much of an inspiration she is to me.... tapi she don't wanna facebook fren me!!!!!!!! LEPASTU.. so tension pasal si anak Yusof Haslam buat filem "BOHSIA - JANGAN PILIH JALAN HITAM" like wtf that is the stupidest title ever... I'm sure it's an entertaining film etc... tapi lagi2 kita perlu disogokkan dengan adegan (cewah cam tulis karangan SPM BM plak) merogol/kelab malam/rempits dalam filem Melayu.. I mean, just like my classmates here with nudity/love making scenes. I mean, if it's really necessary, then yes. But if it's out of whim and meant to provoke for a totally irrelevant reason, then just make a porn film for goodness' sakes..

OK emo tak tentu pasal mesti pasal lapar.. k thx bai

Reel 2009

2009-04-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

Nadiah Hamzah
Director of Photography | Malaysia/New York
email.nadiah@gmail.com

PLEASE HIRE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Weird/happy/random day.

2009-04-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

So I had a meeting with Spike earlier today. OK, so he told me how my film wasn't super clear, how I need to reedit some scenes, how the music was overbearing, etc... but what was funny was how today my sneakers decided to bust on me... and he noticed and I think he's going to get me a pair of Nike kicks... he asked for my shoe size THREE times...even after I left he came back to the library coz I was working and asked again... it was hilarious. He is really kinda chill and funny and laidback - it was totally cool.

Now let's just hope I get them... my classmates will just DIE of envy.
HOHOHOHO.

OK but he did say he doesn't think I'm ready to direct a feature... I wasn't pissed or anything, or took anything to heart, now it's got me rethinking and reevaluating next year's plans.

Definitely does not involve an engagement, or rings of any sort :P

Random update #3

2009-04-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

When will I ever learn that tak semestinya if kite buat baik, orang tu akan buat baik balik... So, sebagai contoh, if I am bending on my knees cleaning up, tak semestinya orang akan cakap "thank you.."

:(
FML..

PS/Hai kengkawan semua saya sampai m'sia june 3rd okeh :) MWAHWMWAHRINDUUUU!

Random update #2

2009-04-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

So last Sunday night I was an hour late for a sit-down dinner party in the East Village. Good, fancy food of fish and potatoes, some take-out pizza for latecomers, expensive chocolate and homemade chocolate mousse later. After many conversations of school and the looming summer, my Norwegian host passed around 'Miracle Frooties'... I had absolutely no idea what I was in for, but it was mindfcuk at best... I was flavor tripping and it was AMAZING!%#@%@#%!!!!!! #!#!#!!#! Lemon and lime tasted like super sweet oranges.. balsamic vinegar tasted like syrup.. I can't even begin to describe it...

Well anyways I can't wait for these -

I soooooo want to make a children's fantasy film one day.. with an EITS film score!!!!
OK that's all.

Random update #1

2009-04-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

Two films I watched last week at work.

woot!

2009-03-10T21:56:00.001-07:00

Whitney totally rocks, because she always stands up for herself and doesn't take crap from Jay.
LC was always such a pathetic "I don't know who to trust!!" wimp.

And maybe it is good that I don't have enough money to go anywhere next week. At least I'll be forced to actually finish editing that damn thing.