Of cold winters and grey slush.

Being sick is not the least bit fun.
At this moment all I want is to be right next to my loves back home.
:(

disappointment.

What's the immaterial substance
that envelopes two,
that one perceives as hunger
and the other as food.
I wake in tangled covers,
to a sash of snow,
you dream in a cartoon garden,
I could never know.
Innocent imitation,
of how it could be,
if when the music ended,
you did not retreat.
In my imagination,
you are cast in gold,
your image a compensation for me to hold.
Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.
Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.
Parallel Lines - Kings of Convenience

I am weary of placing trust and hope in anyone anymore.

Horrorwitz.

I hardly speak in class because so many people have a lot more thoughts than I do, and can carefully phrase them out in more proper, understandable and efficient formats, rather than my clunky, weirdly juxtaposed structured sentences.
I would rather sit back and listen. And I happen to enjoy just sitting back, listening.

But today was an exception.
"You are the new jesus'es' in filmmaking.."
"You control how the society behaves..."

"Hollywood is 4, 5 years ahead of everyone else.." warbled the precocious Horrorwitz lady.
"For instance in the supernatural genre..."

So I got really mad and said, "Well, can you explain how is it that Hollywood is 4 or 5 years ahead when every single horror film out at this moment are bastardizations of Asian films?"

I didn't get a decent answer.

Nor did I bother paying anymore attention after that, as I engaged myself in a heated debate (in my head) whether it would be a greasy but very yummy plain cheese slice from Mercato or Javaworks' transfat-free, healthy chicken-avocado sandwich for lunch.

Procrastinating Project 1.

My baby Gondry, 11+ months. I miss him like you can't imagine :(

Rajin Tetibe.

My second pair of $29.95 Payless boots gave away again yesterday night. Memang tension, because now I have to walk around in my Chuck Taylors yang rabak and berlubang.

Sedih, okkay.

Anyway yesterday night was hilarious, Indian food/lemon-mint shisha/green tea in Queens and perjumpaan Persatuan Budak2 Malaysia -- it's really good to tear myself away from school/classmates sometimes, and not be around ignorant Americans (Malaysia? Maaalaaysia. Eee bongok!) and be around all things familiar.

I made an interesting relevation of a particular blog I have been (almost) religiously reading of late, I think I actually managed to figure who the person is. Amazingly enough, reading his writings and observations through his secret online identity has completely changed my perception of him in real life. In a good way, of course.

I've just realized I will never be able to write happy/clappy scripts or stories. I sat down with my writing teacher last week and he told me, "I watched your last film, and you have this thing, ah.. for all things dark and gothic?" after reading my 7-minute adaptation script about a sculptor who does something really really bad to her college sweetheart (who ended up marrying someone else and leaves her in mighty depression, leading to a tragic ending) Even I don't understand my obsession with all things sordid and macabre.

Bising gile orang tengok Superbowl malam ni. Another American obsession I don't (and won't) comprehend.

happiness!

Secretly, I have been hoping that my film would be picked in one of the 10 from the New York class to be shown to Tisch Asia in Singapore (just to show that Malaysians can kick some serious ass). They got my name spelled wrongly in the programme, but who cares!

(all of this, after getting an amazing belated birthday package with a handmade birthday card from the bestest boyfriend in the world, back home)

*BIG STUPID GRIN*

whoop-ass!

Only because I am only allowed to be self indulgent in my own confined space and time, and because I really really like my colors, Kings of Convenience and how good my actor looks like in it, despite the comment about "the overwhelming score and virtuoso (a nicer way of saying OTT) performance of a person showing that he is really, really angry" I got in class.



I am really annoyed about EITS playing in KL before they come to New York in April too.
Ish, everyone wants to become indie nowadays. Bosan aku.

le sigh.

My Green Eyes, he is, and I love him now even more so.




I am getting more and more disappointed with people around me. I hate having too many expectations, because when they fall short, I get extremely disappointed to a point where I get aggravated, annoyed, and hurt beyond words :(

I don't understand how people can be so selfish at times. Or maybe it's just me and my childishness in wanting to believe that every gesture of sincerity or kindness will be favours returned. Unfortunately for me, that's hardly ever the case.

I set up the lights, operated the camera, had to use the lav mic, did everything on my own. And that's so super difficult when I'm trying to direct an actor to get a genuine performance simultaneously. Extremely difficult, because everything comes into play - you suddenly have to be aware of everything else and get distracted from the main task at hand (which is why i want to become a cinematographer so much more than a director!!!)

I already don't like my new crew. I don't.
And editing my exercise, hmm. Ed's boyfriend Jared is just dripping with hotness. Like, extreme hotness.

Mind you, that's my classmate Edward's boyfriend.
Le sigh.

bump.

Waking up feeling empty is not a good feeling.
Holding back tears when your whole body is shaking profusely in silent sobs is not a good feeling.

I don't ever want to remember how it feels like not being in love.
A bump.
A small one, this will be.

Hopefully.

:(

goodbye my winter wonderland!

5 weeks of untold bliss - painstakingly beautiful days of lounging in bed with endless tv streaming, tastebud tickling cuisine of all sorts of origin and taste, wonderful company of new and pleasant friends and of course, nights of fitful sleep next to the most adorable, squishy furball - Baby.

I can't tell you how much I wish this could have lasted longer (although I would have rot into a pile of squidgy mush by the end of it) but here's to endless months of willing myself in the sheer gates of (academia) hell.

Technically I am already 24 (well I believe I was born Malaysian time) and mmm, somehow it doesn't feel that different. However, this arrived in my aparment last Friday, and when I opened the box up I almost cried - a dozen of pink roses for my birthday! The possibly most sweetest thing he could ever do, which makes me love him even more!!

'Til summer break looms by!

things that make going to film school..

Completely rewarding. And fulfilling :)

After yesterday's traumatizing near-i'm-going-to-quit-film-school experience, I was extremely reluctant to shoot for my classmate/spring semester crewmate Kiel. My poor shoulders were still aching from Sunday's shoot, and I wasn't looking forward to a 6 hour long shoot. But his subject matter was interesting - a blind painter from Visions Service for the Blind (on 23rd St and 7th Ave) who taught and assisted an entire class of visually impaired students the art of 'light painting' - which is somewhat similar to light trails. Capturing light trails is fairly simple (if your camera allows you to slow your shutter speed down to say, a minute and beyond) The camera is placed on the tripod (and not to be moved at any time during the shoot) in a room where all lights are switched off, and right after the release button is pressed, you make all these drawings with colored flashlights. This picture of an angel I took using my Canon EOS300V for an assignment in photography class back in MMU (with my drummer Wanie as a model, which she so, so hated to be) pales in comparison to what the talented artists from Visions made. The images that Steve and his fellow cohorts composed were so much more deep in meaning and thoughtful in composition, and for a bunch of blind people they were SO creative, using nets, Christmas sprinkles, aluminium foil, knitting needles and whatnots to create interesting textures and layers. In short, I had amazing fun documenting their class, it was such an experience. It really gave me a hard knock on reality... I mean here I was, whining, freaking out and not wanting to eat the whole day of yesterday (a pathetic attempt of rebelling against the workings of the world), and there they were, some on the brink of completely losing sight and some already not being able to see participating in an activity that you'd never imagine them being able to do.

They weren't a sad bunch of blind people either. They were hilariously funny, cracking jokes at each other and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves...

*sighs in content*

And Kiel let me shoot everything while he operated the boom mike. That makes me so happy (because I love being behind the camera) Working with Kiel was also great, because as a director he definitely knew what he wanted (besides also knowing what to aperture to use, whether to turn on gain or not..) For the price of a 6-7 hour shoot, I got a free dinner at Olive Garden - very yummy (and pricey) Italian food! Samina came over to join us and we had the most exquisite chocolate cake which literally melted in my mouth *drools* Even Ms Read's delicious Classic Chocolate Cake can't top it...

My roomate came back yesterday, at 1am. Today we talked a bit, mainly about the situation in her country Pakistan - which is becomingly increasingly tragic and sad, where people are losing faith in their own country. As ignorant as I am about my own country, I really wouldn't want it to crumble in any way.

Sigh.
On a more superficial note, I absolutely LOVE this season of Project Runway. Christian is one of my favourites (after Kevin, but he got voted off last week...) and hello, did anyone think that Ricky should have gone instead of Kit?? His plain, ugly babydoll dresses have never been anything more than just plain eyesores!!!

I'll be starting my crummy digital library job next week!!! I honestly hope to be earning enough to buy meself a ticket home for the summer. And I watched Juno (ok Ellen Page is cute, but it's hardly what you could call.. spectacular) and Atonement (it started off beautifully, but I don't understand why Keira Knightley is being hailed by the critics for her *yawn* performance... when Saoirse Ronan, the actress who plays 13 year old Briony Tallis WAAAYYY overshadowed Keira's snotty-as-a-prick character Cecilia)

I'll be turning 24 in FOUR DAYS. THE ABSOLUTE HORROR.
Hence I best be off, for night is no longer young for very old me.

the most whacked out morning ever!

There are uncountless times that I have wondered to myself, "What the effing hell am I doing in film school?". Usually these thoughts occur at very specific times - when I had to work with a mat salleh bengong (a filthy rich 27 year old living out of his parents money) who didn't have any TACT or common courtesy in talking to people in general, when I was asked to do 10 million things simultaneously on a single shoot and of course - when I have to freeze my ass in the biting cold for hours and hours.

How the weather can be so very unkind!! So Steve and I set off to midtown at 2.45am to film his documentary subject, these Greek guys who man a coffee cart (whose food and iced coffee in general I have grown to love so much - cheap AND filling) They were supposed to be there by at least 3.45am, so we got there almost 50 minutes earlier. I honestly didn't understand why we needed to be there so early, but knowing Steve (who turns up an hour before class starts) I really couldn't say much. I had bundled up as much as I could have (2 freaking sweaters, a jacket, thermals) but needless to say it was just too cold to be standing out waiting around. Of course, I stood still, thinking of warm, toasty thoughts while laughing and responding to him politely through gritted teeth (when honestly I really wanted to yell and curse and scream and strangle his neck for making me go through this horrible, horrible experience) Then maybe he came to his senses that we shouldn't be out waiting in the cold so we walked to Waldorf Astoria to warm up (for like a measly 10 minutes) before going back, and this time the coffee cart guys came and he started shooting. And I have never felt so cold in my life, my fingers and toes were just numb. But I didn't want to seem like a brat so I held on in the mother-effing cold until I couldn't take it anymore!!!

To cut the story short, let's just say I stayed in their van to warm up, and in the end both of us walked to Grand Central to hang around until people actually started coming to the cart. We sat down against a wall in the middle of freaking Grand Central and while 1200000 New Yorkers filled in and out to get about their daily lives, we fell asleep with our mouths hanging open, and couldn't have cared any less.

PRODUCTIVE.

Which is exactly what my week has been!
Of course it had to start with anxiety attacks on Monday, since I was still stuck in a rut on deciding the subject matter for my 5 minute documentary.. I mean I had a couple of ideas, but none of which were good or interesting enough. I had contemplated over psychics.. since there is a smattering bunch of them around the city (more like one in almost every other block) West Village Psychic, SoHo Psychic, East Village Psychic.. OK so I finally went to one and paid USD10 for a 5 minute palm read (and she was so boring and generic... "You're going to have a long, prosperous life with two strong children!") so that totally killed my intentions of making them my subject matter!!

But on Friday I MET MICHEL GONDRY and what an AMAZING FANTASTIC experience that was. The man is not only a pure brilliant genius but also funny and eccentric, so I absolutely cannot wait for his new film, Be Kind Rewind. There's Jack Black and Mos Def in it, and it's premiering in Sundance before it opens in cinemas this February!!! Cannot. WAITTTTTT!

Hmmm I seem to be ending my sentences with a lot of exclamation marks!!! This is what I get from not reading or writing much anymore!!!!!
Heee.

Anyway I just got back from watching KT Tunstall live at the Apple Store in SoHo and boy, she sounds really good live. As good as she does in her records, I might say!! And she sang most songs from her old album, which I love so much (and I'm really honestly not into girl-guitarist-singers) because mmm well because it makes me remember a period of my life last year.. and a couple of other songs from Drastic Fantastic which I don't really like because it's too pop!!!

MMMMM OK I seem to be rambling, but whatever. Last night we had a really stupid fight about something I wrote on his facebook wall. It makes me so mad that he's embarrassed about something so silly and mindlessly innocent!! Like why the hell should he even care (but he does) so I hung up the phone on him out of spite (seems that I've been doing that a lot lately)

ERGHHHHHHHH of course we made up but still it makes me really angry whenever I think about it.
Grr.

"You're so complicated!"
Well NOW you know!

Other than that, HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY to my BFF EIDA!!! May this year bring more happiness, love, success and a paid round-trip to UK.
MWACKS!

apprehensions 2.

With all the free time that I have on my hands now, I have ample time to actually go to the gym in dire hopes of working out (since I am getting older and in need of some physical stamina... and also due to my better half's constant persuasion of, "you can't be 50 and then suddenly want to run!")

But anyways, I beg to digress. After my short 30 minute run/walk on the threadmill, I ran into a near-shock-pengsan almost experience while in women's locker room to get my (new and cheap, thanks to Filene's Basement) gym bag and saw a mass of (pubic) crowning glory belonging to one lucky lady.

Of course, I didn't stare, but it was so odd. I'd never been around another (stark) naked woman in my life, what more to have my first encounter with an (American) stranger. So taken back was I, that I forgot where the exit from the locker room was. Sheesh.

Other than that, I have absolutely no progress on my documentary (in which I am already a sizzling piece of meat by now). 12 more days to class!! (that also means 12 more days to turning a year older, SOB)

OK! Back to researching interesting characters of Gotham City!

PS/ Across The Universe bored me out of my socks. Once, despite its raw and gritty lo-finess floored me instaneously. The exhaustingly gratifying There Will Be Blood had me in a slight yawn (oil and Daniel Day Lewis? Ermmm...maybe not). Adaptation? Charlie Kaufman is a downright genius, and to throw in the the formulaic Robert McKee (Hollywood screenwriting so- called 'guru') in it was an indefinite scream. Netflix rocks!

AAAAAAAAAAH!

New Year's was okay, with an impressive 15 minute display of fireworks after trudging in the cold in Central Park. Yesterday was rather productive with a 30 minute run in the gym and a weird gig in Mercury Lounge at night. But ok, malas nak cerita panjang-panjang bende yang tak penting, because MICHEL GONDRY will be in the SoHo Apple Store next week!!! That's 15 minutes away from where I live and I will be damned if I can't go see this crazy brilliant man in person.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

hehe dah. ok bai!

Another chapter closed.

It's 4pm and I'm laying stomach down on my bed, trying to nurse cramps that come unknowingly once in a month. I hope I'll be better by tonight, because I'll be watching fireworks from Central Park if everything goes well. It would've been a more apt first Big Apple new year's in Times Square, but just listening to horror stories about having to camp out 10 hours earlier just to count the seconds down to 2008 inevitably crossed it out as even an option.

But anyways.
I don't usually do new year's celebrations. I don't even remember what I did last year, I think I probably just stayed at home. In 2005 I was at a rock gig in this art gallery in the middle of KL. Hmm. But that's about it.

Just felt the need to look back on the year before the clock strikes 12am, and the curtain is closed on 2007. I guess it's been good, so far... I know I've made so many life changing decisions that have affected me throughout, but I wouldn't go back and change anything. Well maybe except that one particular incident.

After 3 and a half months of interning in KLue writing mindless articles/socialising/picking up calls and stuffing envelopes, being in McCann-Erickson for 8 solid months was truly a learning experience which I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I guess it was a love and hate relationship with my first real job, but I did learn a lot. From dealing with people and picking out my battles - I'd like to think that I've grown up, having a job that made me feel slightly more important that I'd take myself. And being able to work with award-winning advertising creatives was of course mind-blowing, and I honestly thought my path was set.

I cried like an idiot on my last day. If I have to pick one of the hardest decisions that I had to make in my life, that would have been it.
I hated leaving - because I feel that I still have so much passion for advertising, and I didn't get enough time to prove my actual worth.

But I knew I needed to make this move for myself.

Just for the sake of remembering:
Seeing him for the first time at that Red Kebaya screening in December 2006,
Getting annoyed with him when he introduced himself the first time I came over his studio for a recording ("are you the Malay writer?" "NO. Grr")
Him standing in line for hours getting my Muse tickets in January, watching 300 together and the rest I would say,
is history.

Despite being able to come to NY to polish and learn the craft of my other love - filmmaking -
I'd still say he's the best thing that happened to me throughout the year.


And that, that I wouldn't change for anything.

Au revoir two oh-oh-seven!
You shall be sorely missed.

El Orfanato by Juan Antonio Bayona

It is 2am. Drowsiness is slowly sinking in, and might cloud certain judgments on this very breathtakingly, beautifully shot film.

But anyways.
This still from El Orfanato somehow manages to capture the essence of the film - a sordid tale of love and lost woven in intricate, extremely well crafted cinematography. Lush and sweeping, such artistic imagery - I found myself gasping in awe, and anticipating in agony almost. Such amazing visual pleasure it was, that most of the times, it outshone the very basic building block of narrative filmmaking, and that which is, the storytelling.

Laura (played convincingly by Spanish actress Belén Rueda) is a mother of an adopted HIV-positive child Simon. Together with her doctor husband Carlos, they move into an old mansion by the sea, which she as a orphan child herself grew up in. The house has been painstakingly remodeled as a home to less fortunate children, whom Laura plans to take care of. But as the big welcoming day looms, her son Simon starts acting strange.

Of course she thinks that he's just playing games and making all the childish stories up to mask his insecurity about having other children coming into the house to live with him. But when he goes missing on the big opening day, Laura becomes convinced that the house bears a sinister secret, which she must discover in time to save her only child.

I do admit, it is a good premise, and there is no build-up to cheap shocks or thrills that are used so abundantly in most films in this genre. When there is a scare it hits the nail right on the head, and I literally jumped in my seat (which I seldom or never do, ever!) However, once 'SIX MONTHS LATER' appears on screen, the strong emotional and psychological experience it wants to create start wearing thin.

Which is, in all honesty is not a good thing. I remember in writing class, Michael Burke stressed so strongly about being able to hook your audience with every scene - meaning every scene should make your viewers anticipate for the next one, and get involved emotionally so that they care enough to want to watch your film to the end. El Orfanato has a good start before the timeline is screwed, but hmmm... maybe I'm just not a big fan of timeline jumps (they annoy the hell out of me) However, the story picks up pace (in between CRAZY BEAUTIFUL, UNNECESSARY SCENES like the 300-esque underwater shots with Laura swimming, random Super8 sequences of the children who lived in the house, infrared footages of the medium trying to get in touch with the other worldly occupants - TOTALLY mish mashing the film's camera aesthetics and stylistic consistency) finally hits its high note with a shocking reveal to the discovery of Simon in the end.

(and this was despite its eerie resemblance to last final scenes of Nakata Hideo's The Ring-every horror film since seems to be an homage to this rare Japanese gem in YEARS. Hmm.)

That made the $11.50 ticket price worth every penny (that's RM40, now doesn't the thought of that just hurt). But of course that particular "hmmm, maybe this film isn't so bad afterall" feeling had to be marred by two additional scenes which gave the entire film an 'up' ending ('up' simply means positive, meaning you leave the cinema hall never to think about the story you just paid a whopping RM40 for, a 'down' ending is the exact opposite - you get mad because the ending was not what you expected hence you leave the cinema hall feeling aggravated, and an 'ambiguous' ending is an open ended closure to film sort of? leading to hour long discussions and debates over teh-tariks or flamboyant NY flavoured teas, whichever tickles your fancy)

I'm still annoyed.
Next on my list - the Coen brothers' No Country for Old Men, the first American film I'm going to watch in the cinema after Lust, Caution (Chinese), The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Persepolis (both in French respectively) and El Orfanato (Spanish).

I wonder how hard it is to make it here, being a minority and foreigner. But Ang Lee cracked it and he is a Tisch graduate alum, so there must be hope.
Or isn't there?

i am grossing out myself..

by staying in bed for the past 48 hours.

I have done absolutely NOTHING productive that it's beginning to scare the wits out of me! I felt that I sort of needed time to readjust my body and mind after the exhausting shoot on a second year film in Jersey all through out last week, but now doing nothing is just driving me berserk.

No, really.

:(

The shoot was intense, but all four days consisted of interior shots around a nice, big house in Little Silver, New Jersey. It took me 15 minutes from home to Penn Station, and another hour and a half to get to location, but I guess it was all worth it because I did learn a whole new spectrum of things, especially about lighting. The crew and cast were a fun bunch, food was good, there wasn't much pressure involved although I was AC (camera assistant, right hand man to the director of photography) so I'd say it was a good winter break working gig, although the only thing that disturbed me the most was walking along 4th West subway train station to reach my apartment to the sight of this at 3am!!!

Absolutely freaky, no? It was in a window display from the Kimmel Student Centre I think, which featured various random works of art.
Well anyway, after catching up on sleep on Sunday morning, I went out for dinner at Mara's Homemade - a Cajun restaurant (southern/soul food) with Ummi and Ruth (a Malaysian and Singaporean who just graduated from Parsons last year, and are now designers) and an annoying PJ boy they picked up along the way. It was drizzling and I was feeling slightly light headed due to over-sleeping, and they had been there half an hour before I got there and ordered an appetizer which looked like fried chicken/fish but guess what it was?

GATOR MEAT.
Like, alligator. Those ugly, long snouted creatures which lurk in swamps and strangle their preys before swallowing them whole. I only had one bite before having them tell me it was gator meat. (Lindsay, in a phone call later, asked me, "Wow, is that even halal?") The rest of the food, which came with a hefty price tag was pretty good - roasted chicken, turkey and meat, and a fantabulously delish shrimp thing soaked in glorious buttery sauce, which we dipped bread in. Later we hung around a hookah lounge somewhere in the Lower East Side - a hookah is basically what would be known as shisha back home (which is something I don't enjoy very much, I totally remember back in MMU, Bob and Wanie persuaded Yan and me to try it at Uncle Don's in Hartamas, which resulted in headaches right after).

So the next day we were supposed to hang out some more because Joon, the annoying PJ boy was in NY from Oregon for two weeks, and wanted to go sight seeing so Ummi thought it would be a good idea to bring him around 5th Ave, where Gucci, Coach and all the big name stores were located at. But apparently Ruth had been arrested that morning since she bumped into a cop on the way down the stairs in a subway station and was detained in a detention cell somewhere in Canal Street, so Ummi had to correspond with the Singaporean consulate to get her out of it, without having to post a bail which would have cost $10 000. I mean, how ridiculous is that?! Cops in NY are really intimidating, and it makes me really mad that some of them are minorities with the need to abuse their power to insure some sort of security or standing in the society. Last two weeks Eirik, my classmate woke up with a big metal gun pointing at his face at 6am (in his own home!!!) because he had forgotten to close his front door shut, and the neighbours thought his apartment had been broken in, and alerted the cops. If it were me I'd been crying like an idiot, but these two people just laughed and scoffed it off (on separate occasions) with Eirik saying, "It was exciting for me, now I know how the society works here!" and Ruth's "I really didn't mind if they had wanted to deport me back to Singapore!!"

So while waiting for Ruth to be released we had cheap sushi at St. Mark's (in the East Village) and had wanted to go to Teany Cafe (owned by Moby) for cakes but it was closed! So we ended up going to the Cake Shop instead, a retro/rock inspired vegan cake plus record store shop for chocolate cake!!

The next day was Christmas, and I was all pumped up to go ice-skating in Bryant Park, but when I got there the line was snaking and nobody wanted to wait in the cold, so we went to watch Persepolis, an animated feature length film which I have been waiting for since forever!!! Persepolis follows the life of Marjane Satrapi (director/writer/artist who drew the graphic novels) who went through the Iranian revolution. I really liked the off-beat humor, but in some ways it was portraying Islam in harsh light (perhaps because that time the Islamic fundamentalists were in reign after the fall of the Shah) And for Christmas, the cinema was FULL. Another thought to ponder upon, NYC was full of merry-makers which consisted of foreigners and tourists who were all eager to get a piece of this city while the rest of the bonafide dwellers were indoors Christmas carolling and drinking eggnog and whatnots.

Rest aside, I am really getting tired of just staying in bed, because it's sort of getting into me right now - the dizzy spells and harrowing light flashes and blackouts. Hopefully I'll get to do something productive tomorrow - like scour Chinatown for ingredients to make nasi lemak, or a good hour long run in the gym and find time to catch The Orphanage at Sunshine Cinema later during the day!! It's a new horror film by upcoming Spanish director Juan Antonio Bayona, and produced by Guillermo Del Toro, who directed Pan's Labyrinth (which I watched on the boyfriend's computer because I overslept the night we were supposed to go the cinema to watch it, and how horrifyingly disturbing and beautiful, that was)

Ah! But I also want to watch Coppola's Youth without Youth and the new Coen brothers film, No Country for Old Men! So many movies to watch, yet so little money :( But yes, horror films will always get top priority in my list!! What makes it even harder is living 5 minutes away from Angelika and 10 minutes away from Sunshine Cinema (art house/indie theaters) and 15 minutes from Regal Union (which I've never been to yet, because that's for your usual popcorn mainstream fare)

Watched Knocked Up yesterday, and honestly speaking I've lost interest in watching mainstream comedy flicks. They're just so boring and there's no plot twist or resolution which ultimately results in the lack of viewing satisfaction. Sighness.

Off to terrorize the little kitty for now, until I fall asleep. Toodles!

winter break and whatnots.

School is officially out, and this is what I've been currently listening to. Not exactly what I would say indie, or imaginative, but it's decent... at the very most. With evaluations of my first NYU film falling somewhat short below expectations, the weekend ended in an almost drunken stupor: the awkward prom/potluck do in Brooklyn, the lavish dinner party in midtown Manhattan and 1st Year MOS Marathon (where everyone in the class screened their films).

Standing in the lounge after the screening yesterday after exchanging Secret Santa gifts, the moment sort of passed me in a blur - people laughing and talking and drinking and toasting and dear God has it really been 4 months?

I felt myself drowning almost, in an uncertain sea of mixed feelings, and complete oblivion. This is the life I have subjected myself into, this is what it will look like in many, many years to come, should God permit me to live that long.

Humm.

Four hours later I find myself walking idly along the isles of Morton Williams, picking out ice-cream and sour cream and onion rippled chips - feeling completely at ease and in peace. Strange how the most insignificant and overlooked upon event of my mundane life can become the source of comfort in this strangely alien city.

I really, really miss home.

:(

But here's the bundle of white, furry joy that I'll have for the next three weeks. Her name is Baby, and she is as playful and as hyper as Gondry back home. But of course, Gondry is way cuter with his fat schmucky face and round pity-me eyes (with the exception of his incessant need to be fed at 5am every morning)


As the lead actress of my film would say, "besos!"

removed.

The past two weeks have been such madness, and the feelings of desolation are sort of closing in on me, if that makes any sense at all.

Maybe it is just me, but people seem colder, and it is hard not to feel 'removed'. I find myself not wanting to talk and connect with people anymore. Because the slightest exchange of words/favors/kindness appear more superficial than ever before - and I despise that, that awful gush of insincerity that appears so crystal in their eyes, as much as their mouth (and body) will to mask it.

One thing I've understood now is that I WILL NEVER EVER ask people for help anymore. It's hard enough being here alone, life just gets more miserable when I can't depend on anyone (or anything for that matter) for help, or support.

It makes me sick, and if it wasn't for Steve with his genuine emails of concern and daily conversations with my better half hundreds of thousands of miles away,
I think I would have crumbled underneath all this rubble of peer pressure, and the need to please others.

And at this point I use all of my courage and will power to believe in God more than anything else, that these are merely tests for greater things to come.

God is Great, and He is the Most Merciful.