Yuck, yuck, yuck.

David Fincher, you disappoint me!!!

hating my stupid boots.

"Why are you wearing leather boots and low slung skinny jeans? Why are you being all fashion-y on set?!?!"

The last two days have been spent in two feet of snow, blizzards and snorms (snow+storm).
Today was spent in bed.

I woke up and instantly knew how I felt.
I don't want to be in limbo anymore.
I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with a sinking feeling in the pits of my stomach.

I want you here where I am.

I'm in love with...

Alejandro González Iñárritu.

unpublished.

World Trade Center
Director: Oliver Stone Cast: Nicolas Cage, Michael Pena, Maria Bello. Runtime:
129 minutes. Opens: 12 October
TEXT BY NADIAH H

It is September 11, and just like any other day, Sergeant John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage) wakes up before the break of dawn to head to the Port Authority Police Department, in midtown Manhattan. But as somber dark clouds began shrouding the skyline of New York City when a hijacked plane hit one of the Twin Towers, September 11 was not just any other day. Sergeant McLoughlin, along with fellow officer Will Jimeno (Michael Pena) were part of the first team sent from midtown Manhattan to Ground Zero, in bids to evacuate the remaining people in Tower 1 of the WTC. The building collapses before they manage to save anyone else, and as McLoughlin asks Jimeno, “Can you still see the light?” only do we realize that the two of them are trapped beneath 20 feet of rubble, concrete slabs and twisted metal.

In the duration of two hours and nine minutes, one would expect Oliver Stone, fond of throwing in bits of conspiracy theories (think JFK) ruffle some unlikely feathers with World Trade Center. Instead we are fed with serene silhouettes of Jesus Christ, signifying the hopes in these two men (one of the very few survivors from the 2001 catastrophe which saw more than two thousand lives perished) to keep on breathing in time for the rescue team to track them down. With flashbacks of happier times with McLoughlin’s and Jimeno’s loved ones, and jump cuts to those of their wives Donna and Allison cracking down at the thin frays of hope for their survival, Stone nails this one down as yet another idealistic, emotional reenactment of September 11 in epic film proportion to justify the propaganda of God Loves America. But irregardless, WTC still manages to make the average movie buff shed a tear or two, guaranteeing a worthy watch indeed.

Hmm oddly enough I am missing those days in that quaint bungalow down Jalan Bukit Bintang.
Good times.

Tell me.

Do you feel as empty?

Remember... (part deux)

It was already so late, and rain was pouring.
Heavy.
Drenching streets.
Screeching tires.

You insisted on taking me out for dinner.
And we went to MacDonalds of all the places.

You looked at me straight in the eyes, and spoke in length about waves and forms and bits and tracks in terms I did not comprehend.

Then you took my hand.
And I pretended not to notice.

You kept on talking.

I said it was late.
To which you replied, "I'd stay here all night talking to you."

I think I tried hard not to smile silly.
But I did anyway.

:(

:(

It hasn't been five hours since the conversation ended.
i keep thinking that i will be fine, i listen to my happy songs, i think that i am okay, and i will be fine.

i talk with familiar faces. i'm given hugs in return. three for luck.

and i'm struggling to hold back tears so I don't wet shirts and create a scene.
my head feels light.
but my heart is heavy.

:(

Because sadness makes..

words tumble out, in an inexplicable manner.

We sit and watch umbrellas fly
I'm trying to keep my newspaper dry
I hear myself say
My boat's leaving now
So we shake hands and cry
Now I must wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye

You know I don't want to cry again
I'll never see your face again
I don't want to cry again

We leave to their goodbyes
I've come to depend on the look in their eyes
My blood's sweet for pain
The wind and the rain brings back words of a song
And they sing wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye

You know I don't want to cry again
I'll never see your face again
I don't want to cry again

So I read to myself
A chance of a lifetime to see new horizons
On the front page a black and white picture of
Manhattan Skyline

Manhattan Skyline - Kings of Convenience

Oblivion.

Have you ever felt like wanting to drown yourself in the shower?
Not wanting to breathe, or feel, or touch, or sense anymore..

I saw this coming.
And time will heal.
That's the least I can promise myself.

So.. (part deux)

First up, everyone say hi to Figaro:

These two crazy kids went bonkers and threw hissy fits when they first met each other, but now they have to be separated every night. Just because they won't stop playing with each other until like, 5am, and won't remember when it's time to sleep. Figaro is my DP's cat while he's off shooting a film in China...

Anyway.
I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.
I should be ecstatic, though, because:
1) I found an AMAZING actor through my acting teacher, so now at least I've cast the two main characters of my film
2) I got an A with a "Great!" for my Aesthetics paper
3) I'm getting a week off for Christmas when it will be all pretty with lights
4) Weather's been really kind, and I'm really liking the snow so far...

But.
I know I shouldn't feel anything. But how should I feel when an ex is getting hitched.. ? To someone's who's way prettier and thinner than I could ever possibly be. I mean, I should be happy, right? I should be happy that he's found someone better - someone he feels downright sure about wanting to spend the rest of his life with.

But.
Why does this bit of news make me feel completely hopeless, and inadequate in so many ways? I'm totally over the five years' worth of heartbreak, and I no longer have any feelings towards him whatsoever. I've forgotten how he even exists on this face of earth anymore.

Maybe.
It's because it's making me reevaluate my own relationship.
And how insecure I feel about it.

:(

I have to start counting my blessings again.

So.

I have been up since 5am.
I have been up since 5am from two weeks ago.
So, you have absolutely NO right to belittle what I do.
You think you know how it works, but you don't.
You have no clue.

Try being on your feet 12 hours the most, with a 20 minute break in between.
Try carrying in heavy equipment in and out of buildings every single day.

I would be wasting my time trying to justify what I do, because you won't understand anyway.
So, WHATEVS to you!

Anyway. So Elena's shoot wrapped at 11.30am just now. After 7 days. So that's 14 non-stop working days. Deprived of sleep, I looked like crap, and with incomplete pre -production matters up to my eyeballs, SAG issues, no audition space, about every thing I need to prepare for my film closed for two weeks to make way for Christmas, my stoned location owner not replying calls or emails... I was really about to crack. Like, literally holding back tears.

TING!
The elevator door opens.
I'm really not in the mood to make contact with any other living breathing creatures (Psyang and Figaro excluded). But there he is, with a random classmate I can't be bothered to notice. He looks at me expectantly, and I walk in without nary a smile whatsoever. All my planned conversations fly out of the window, and I stand in a corner, two inches away from his lush Green Goblin back.

We get to the first floor. He turns to me, and says, "Go ahead" I put on a straight face and say my thanks without even looking at him.

I. Am. Such. A. Dumbass.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
JFranc was smoking HOT and noticing me and all I could do was act like I was too cool for school?!??!?!!??!

*SOBS*

Well at least he acknowledged my existence.
At least I DIDN'T SMELL. (because I rolled out of bed to set this morning wearing the same clothes I've been using for the past few days, BUT made time to go home, shower, have lunch and leave in time to miss Kim's meeting, haha)

HAIH.
Now,
back to mourningdom :(

WHEN WILL I GET STUCK IN THE SAME ELEVATOR WITH YOU AGAIN?
Probably never :(

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO..

- waking up at 5am today.
- being out in the cold all day

AND I AM HATING THE FACT THAT THE OPTICAL DRIVE ON MY MBP IS DEAD.
BODOH PUNYA APPLE!!!!

INHALE, EXHALE, INHALE, EXHALE

SEMPAT KE 9 JAM SHOOT 2 4/8 OF SCRIPT PAGES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

ERGH!

I'm getting ready for two weeks of over-exhausting days of being on set as AC to super amazing women DPs!

Other than that, I MISS MY SAYANG :( :( :( *SOB*SOB*

Other than that, I was in Yale over the weekend. New Haven is ah. Um. Pretty.
I still <3 New York.

5 more weeks to madness. NO CAST NO CREW NO LOCKED LOCATIONS BWAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHWMAWHAAHAH *tarik rambut*

*sobs*

nak balik gi kenduri arif ngan abang makan nasi minyak lah..
haih.

Remember...

The heat of the sun grazed our cheeks.
I said, "I love you, but I'm sure you think I'm being cheesy."

"Yes," you replied.

You smiled, and dived straight into the water.

:-*

OK.

So I'm going to write more.
At the moment we just wrapped another shoot... surprisingly it was very relaxed, very easy because my friend Steve is very fixated on his vision (and his vision alone) I guess at first I was bothered, because then I would just be a camera operator and not a DP, but it worked out just fine that way. Because I could use all of my time on framing, and lighting the scene. AND after all that shit talk about that 'Matt' Salleh person, he turned out helpful and accommodating, although it was frustrating sometimes when he didn't get what I was trying to tell him -

But, whatevs. It's over and done with and now I need to focus 110% on my own film this January.
*PANICS*

On another note -
Why am I always sad when I think about you?
Why does that incident play over and over again in my head?
Why, that after almost six months I still can't get over it, and nothing has changed?

:(

Quantum of Boredom..

Ergh, was that sucky, or what?

I love that New York is so small. Small enough for me to bump into you again :)
Too bad I had my tipsy mat salleh i-used-to-despise-just-four-days-ago-but-turned-good-friends-so-suddenly-cause-his-girlfriend-is-away looming around.. such unwelcomed distraction! :-/

But nevertheless.

*swoon*

Apesal...

Mat Salleh semua cam haram bangang ego tak suka share knowledge?
Penat and menyampah ok.

So macam, it's sort of like a big deal la in my class if you're chosen to DP (Director of Photography/Cinematographer) a film because most of the people who get into the grad film programme want to become writer/directors, so not everyone wants to shoot, but the look and production value of the film is important, hence choosing the right DP is essential...

So, memandangkan I like to berangan and be over ambitious tak kene tempat, I sort of made it known that I wanted to major in the cinematography track... so my resolution for this academic year was to shoot at least one second year film, if nobody asked I would shoot my own... thankfully two of my closest Mat Salleh friends asked... (tak tau la kenape pun) Well pendekkan cerite I already shot one, and that was an experience by itself... but I had an amazingly patient and talented gaffer (the person who decides where the lights, what kind of lights to use... all the technical stuff is kind of complicated and you really have to know your shit if you want to become a DP/gaffer.. hhaha so like, I'm totally kidding myself because I have very weak technical skills) but TOMORROW's shoot my gaffer is my DP.. (meaning that I chose him to shoot my film in January nanti) apparently I don't think he's used to work as anything underneath DP/Director.. I've tried being really nice and stuff, even to a point of saying, "Hey, I just want to be clear on this, you know a lot more than I do, do you think you could help me out by suggesting which lights we should use to get so-so effect?" and he'll go, "I can't call the shots, you're the DP!" Eeee so geram ok. Stop being an a-hole can or not. Padahal I'm asking as a friend/fellow classmate, and we're in a creative, learning, collaborative (betul ke gune this word) environment, takkan tak boleh nak impart some of your union-learned knowledge? (yeah he's in the union --- now that's a different story for another day) Padahal when I was working as a set intern on that Uma Thurman movie pun everyone was so nice about teaching me things when I asked nicely... and they were all union members too.

So sedih. Because other than that he's a really nice person. Tapi it makes me sad he does this - bukannya mintak benda bukan-bukan pun, mintak tolong ajar/guide sikit je, something which is totally HIS job anyway.

Aaa cam nak nangis je (cam baby gile sikit-sikit nak nangis)
Dahla last week on another shoot this non-NYU person asked me, after cutting in my conversation with a fellow NYU-ite about what we were crewing on as on other people's shoots, "Excuse me, but, are you even qualified to shoot?" I got depressed the entire day.

okla gotta sleep early calltime tomorrow.
:(

My week(s)...

-_-

Fcuk this shit, I miss advertising.