ying and yang

fairuz just left my place.
he came over to transfer 'the science of sleep' from my computer to his external hard disk.
we sat over expensive coffee in ss15 earlier and talked about war museums in phnom penh, diy, and me getting shortlisted for NYU's Film Graduate Programme.

i'm one of the 90 shortlisted applicants from a total of 700.
"you've come a long way," susan carnival from Tisch School of the Art says on the telephone.

for a while yesterday i could not breathe.
l'oreal, maybelline, coke, tv3, ups, mastercard, cathay pacific. more chunks of meat. more responsibility. more expectations.

"you don't want to have ownership over your work. and silence means admitting to guilt."
"you're not helping out, you're of no use, you're not contributing. are any of these traits positive?"
"you really have to push yourself because i can't keep doing it for you."
says my ACD.

i don't know what i want.
i want to be great in what i'm doing at the moment, and at the same time i want to pack my bags and leave for new york.

:(