home might just not be where the heart is.

Great, on my arrival in KLIA I nearly knocked down a lady with a trolley, was told off (humiliatingly) in front of a LOT of people, was embarrassed beyond imagination but somehow couldn't take that stupid grin off my face.

Because there he was, waiting for me.
And nothing else ever felt more than just... right.

Seems like nothing much has changed, and it's almost hard to believe that I've been gone for almost a year.
But walking through the crowd I felt something unknowingly missing and terribly sad - that I've outgrown this place and its people, that I honestly don't see myself moving forward in this bubble, and that I, admittedly, really actually miss New York.


Ah. Life and it's eccentricities.

of random updates.

It's beyond my comprehension, how the wheel spins. Just when you think everything in life is sort of falling into place, just when you let yourself bask in absolute certainty and happiness - that's when things start to fall apart, and life just bitch slaps you right in the face...

.
I guess I got overexcited over the fact that I'm moving in with friends, but the lack of communication has somewhat left me sounding like a fussy prick... :(
Right now I'm crashing over at Kat and Shue's place, and it's not the best feeling in the world having to menyusahkan orang like this... like a nomad, like I don't really have a place to call my own...

:(
But moving on.

Today, I guarded a church for 13 hours straight. I wasn't even allowed to go to crafty for any coffee breaks, or even be on set, which was altogether depressing... and kind of sad, really. It is no fun wallowing in self pity and bitching about being treated like an idiotic, moronic intern who can't handle lock-ups OR using a walkie properly. But I managed to do a lot of thinking. Practiced a whole lot of conversations and played out tonnes of scenarios with different people (in my head) to keep myself amused.

And vowed to myself that I would take control of my current situation.
Sink, or swim.
Do, or die.

I feel like weights have been lifted off my back. I managed to spurt out that I wasn't happy being off set and cooped up in the church, and that I'd wanted to be as close to the camera as possible, because this hasn't exactly been a wholesome learning experience. And it's not like I'm an unqualified undergrad who's not capable of doing things (I mean, sure, they gave me a walkie and excluded the other interns, but do I really need to be told off ON walkie that I had been misusing 'yes' and 'copy that'? Sheesh) Four more days and I'll be happy to be done with being depressed and miserable all 15 hours of my summer days...

Boring stuff, I know. I just felt like the need to write that at least, amidst what's crumbling apart around me -
I can still manage to salvage something (strength, maybe?) out of this emotional carnage...

unloading emotions.

Been keeping myself preoccupied, after calling in sick for work yesterday I turned up on set today. It was slow but nevertheless really quick, and the New York weather was kind... for once. It's turning out a lot better than I expected. I love the crew, and despite having to do really crappy, random shit like stopping human traffic (in which I almost stopped Uma from coming into her own set *slaps forehead*) everything else has been almost... fun.

I'm slowly picking myself up... although my heart still hurts, and that empty, nauseous feeling still lingers at the pit of my stomach. And it doesn't help that by being here, I am utterly helpless.

If only I could see his eyes.

:(

I just want to be ready.
I just want to be ready.

But I do know, that if and when I do fall
There will be more than just a pair of hands catching me

And for that I only have God to thank for.

in constant need of..

companions. people to talk to.
I have been on the phone with my mother more than three times since yesterday. I called my brother. Daniel. Ummi. Anyone who's willing to let my cry, let me drown and wallow at this time of doubt.

One minute to myself and I start remembering little things. the familiar smell after a fresh shower. the rough feel of his crew cut hair. the scrunched up nose in mockery. big, round eyes.

too many. too many things.
suck it all in.
suck it all in.

Sayang, I love you... so, so much that sometimes it hurts.


but these walls are closing in on me
and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

...

Dear God,
Please let me be strong.
Let me be strong.

Please let me strong.
Because right now I am falling apart, and I can't gather myself together.

Let me be strong.
Ya Allah please let me be strong.

:(

officially..

knackered.

For the past week, I have been so super busy trying to get last minute assignments done, DVDs burned and tapes printed out, looking for apartments and being an unpaid PA on the set of Uma Thurman's new film. Now I know that:

1) She likes to knit
2) Child actors are divas in the making
3) A PA job is probably the lowest on the rung (and crappiest to boot)
4) A 'professional' shoot can be just AS unorganized as student film shoots
5) On film sets, there's a lot of waiting around.. and not just for actors.

Other than that, I'll be homeless by next Friday.
Yay me!

*ROLLS EYES*

I can't..

fucking believe you!
orang dah bagi chance and all and you whine and complain and bitch!

I have been reduced to a kuli-herding-cows, err.. extras, and you get to touch a fucking 35mm camera and witness magic happen, and still you roll your eyes like you deserve better.

UNGRATEFUL.
UNGRATEFULLLLLLL!! TAU TAK!!! UNGRATEFUL AMERICANS!!!

EEEEEE BENCI!!!!!

///Re-Edit.
I'm so mad that I need to rant like there'll be no tomorrow. I mean seriously. If I were you I'd be willing to skip screenings and shit to be anywhere near the camera. And here you go about complaining about your film which is already gorgeous as hell.

GRR.
Satu lagi, I hate the way YOU put my hopes up, and then just turn your back and say, well, maybe I'll just take it back. It's horrible, ok - you know tak buruk siku? BURUK SIKU SIAL! Bodoh!! And the way you think next year you're the only one making a film?! What about ME. WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!! And if your script is so fucking great no need to repeat it like a broken record la bodo. If it is great then the work will speak for itself, faham?

So, SHUT THE MOFO UP!!!

OK dah bai.