Another chapter closed.

It's 4pm and I'm laying stomach down on my bed, trying to nurse cramps that come unknowingly once in a month. I hope I'll be better by tonight, because I'll be watching fireworks from Central Park if everything goes well. It would've been a more apt first Big Apple new year's in Times Square, but just listening to horror stories about having to camp out 10 hours earlier just to count the seconds down to 2008 inevitably crossed it out as even an option.

But anyways.
I don't usually do new year's celebrations. I don't even remember what I did last year, I think I probably just stayed at home. In 2005 I was at a rock gig in this art gallery in the middle of KL. Hmm. But that's about it.

Just felt the need to look back on the year before the clock strikes 12am, and the curtain is closed on 2007. I guess it's been good, so far... I know I've made so many life changing decisions that have affected me throughout, but I wouldn't go back and change anything. Well maybe except that one particular incident.

After 3 and a half months of interning in KLue writing mindless articles/socialising/picking up calls and stuffing envelopes, being in McCann-Erickson for 8 solid months was truly a learning experience which I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I guess it was a love and hate relationship with my first real job, but I did learn a lot. From dealing with people and picking out my battles - I'd like to think that I've grown up, having a job that made me feel slightly more important that I'd take myself. And being able to work with award-winning advertising creatives was of course mind-blowing, and I honestly thought my path was set.

I cried like an idiot on my last day. If I have to pick one of the hardest decisions that I had to make in my life, that would have been it.
I hated leaving - because I feel that I still have so much passion for advertising, and I didn't get enough time to prove my actual worth.

But I knew I needed to make this move for myself.

Just for the sake of remembering:
Seeing him for the first time at that Red Kebaya screening in December 2006,
Getting annoyed with him when he introduced himself the first time I came over his studio for a recording ("are you the Malay writer?" "NO. Grr")
Him standing in line for hours getting my Muse tickets in January, watching 300 together and the rest I would say,
is history.

Despite being able to come to NY to polish and learn the craft of my other love - filmmaking -
I'd still say he's the best thing that happened to me throughout the year.


And that, that I wouldn't change for anything.

Au revoir two oh-oh-seven!
You shall be sorely missed.

El Orfanato by Juan Antonio Bayona

It is 2am. Drowsiness is slowly sinking in, and might cloud certain judgments on this very breathtakingly, beautifully shot film.

But anyways.
This still from El Orfanato somehow manages to capture the essence of the film - a sordid tale of love and lost woven in intricate, extremely well crafted cinematography. Lush and sweeping, such artistic imagery - I found myself gasping in awe, and anticipating in agony almost. Such amazing visual pleasure it was, that most of the times, it outshone the very basic building block of narrative filmmaking, and that which is, the storytelling.

Laura (played convincingly by Spanish actress Belén Rueda) is a mother of an adopted HIV-positive child Simon. Together with her doctor husband Carlos, they move into an old mansion by the sea, which she as a orphan child herself grew up in. The house has been painstakingly remodeled as a home to less fortunate children, whom Laura plans to take care of. But as the big welcoming day looms, her son Simon starts acting strange.

Of course she thinks that he's just playing games and making all the childish stories up to mask his insecurity about having other children coming into the house to live with him. But when he goes missing on the big opening day, Laura becomes convinced that the house bears a sinister secret, which she must discover in time to save her only child.

I do admit, it is a good premise, and there is no build-up to cheap shocks or thrills that are used so abundantly in most films in this genre. When there is a scare it hits the nail right on the head, and I literally jumped in my seat (which I seldom or never do, ever!) However, once 'SIX MONTHS LATER' appears on screen, the strong emotional and psychological experience it wants to create start wearing thin.

Which is, in all honesty is not a good thing. I remember in writing class, Michael Burke stressed so strongly about being able to hook your audience with every scene - meaning every scene should make your viewers anticipate for the next one, and get involved emotionally so that they care enough to want to watch your film to the end. El Orfanato has a good start before the timeline is screwed, but hmmm... maybe I'm just not a big fan of timeline jumps (they annoy the hell out of me) However, the story picks up pace (in between CRAZY BEAUTIFUL, UNNECESSARY SCENES like the 300-esque underwater shots with Laura swimming, random Super8 sequences of the children who lived in the house, infrared footages of the medium trying to get in touch with the other worldly occupants - TOTALLY mish mashing the film's camera aesthetics and stylistic consistency) finally hits its high note with a shocking reveal to the discovery of Simon in the end.

(and this was despite its eerie resemblance to last final scenes of Nakata Hideo's The Ring-every horror film since seems to be an homage to this rare Japanese gem in YEARS. Hmm.)

That made the $11.50 ticket price worth every penny (that's RM40, now doesn't the thought of that just hurt). But of course that particular "hmmm, maybe this film isn't so bad afterall" feeling had to be marred by two additional scenes which gave the entire film an 'up' ending ('up' simply means positive, meaning you leave the cinema hall never to think about the story you just paid a whopping RM40 for, a 'down' ending is the exact opposite - you get mad because the ending was not what you expected hence you leave the cinema hall feeling aggravated, and an 'ambiguous' ending is an open ended closure to film sort of? leading to hour long discussions and debates over teh-tariks or flamboyant NY flavoured teas, whichever tickles your fancy)

I'm still annoyed.
Next on my list - the Coen brothers' No Country for Old Men, the first American film I'm going to watch in the cinema after Lust, Caution (Chinese), The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Persepolis (both in French respectively) and El Orfanato (Spanish).

I wonder how hard it is to make it here, being a minority and foreigner. But Ang Lee cracked it and he is a Tisch graduate alum, so there must be hope.
Or isn't there?

i am grossing out myself..

by staying in bed for the past 48 hours.

I have done absolutely NOTHING productive that it's beginning to scare the wits out of me! I felt that I sort of needed time to readjust my body and mind after the exhausting shoot on a second year film in Jersey all through out last week, but now doing nothing is just driving me berserk.

No, really.

:(

The shoot was intense, but all four days consisted of interior shots around a nice, big house in Little Silver, New Jersey. It took me 15 minutes from home to Penn Station, and another hour and a half to get to location, but I guess it was all worth it because I did learn a whole new spectrum of things, especially about lighting. The crew and cast were a fun bunch, food was good, there wasn't much pressure involved although I was AC (camera assistant, right hand man to the director of photography) so I'd say it was a good winter break working gig, although the only thing that disturbed me the most was walking along 4th West subway train station to reach my apartment to the sight of this at 3am!!!

Absolutely freaky, no? It was in a window display from the Kimmel Student Centre I think, which featured various random works of art.
Well anyway, after catching up on sleep on Sunday morning, I went out for dinner at Mara's Homemade - a Cajun restaurant (southern/soul food) with Ummi and Ruth (a Malaysian and Singaporean who just graduated from Parsons last year, and are now designers) and an annoying PJ boy they picked up along the way. It was drizzling and I was feeling slightly light headed due to over-sleeping, and they had been there half an hour before I got there and ordered an appetizer which looked like fried chicken/fish but guess what it was?

GATOR MEAT.
Like, alligator. Those ugly, long snouted creatures which lurk in swamps and strangle their preys before swallowing them whole. I only had one bite before having them tell me it was gator meat. (Lindsay, in a phone call later, asked me, "Wow, is that even halal?") The rest of the food, which came with a hefty price tag was pretty good - roasted chicken, turkey and meat, and a fantabulously delish shrimp thing soaked in glorious buttery sauce, which we dipped bread in. Later we hung around a hookah lounge somewhere in the Lower East Side - a hookah is basically what would be known as shisha back home (which is something I don't enjoy very much, I totally remember back in MMU, Bob and Wanie persuaded Yan and me to try it at Uncle Don's in Hartamas, which resulted in headaches right after).

So the next day we were supposed to hang out some more because Joon, the annoying PJ boy was in NY from Oregon for two weeks, and wanted to go sight seeing so Ummi thought it would be a good idea to bring him around 5th Ave, where Gucci, Coach and all the big name stores were located at. But apparently Ruth had been arrested that morning since she bumped into a cop on the way down the stairs in a subway station and was detained in a detention cell somewhere in Canal Street, so Ummi had to correspond with the Singaporean consulate to get her out of it, without having to post a bail which would have cost $10 000. I mean, how ridiculous is that?! Cops in NY are really intimidating, and it makes me really mad that some of them are minorities with the need to abuse their power to insure some sort of security or standing in the society. Last two weeks Eirik, my classmate woke up with a big metal gun pointing at his face at 6am (in his own home!!!) because he had forgotten to close his front door shut, and the neighbours thought his apartment had been broken in, and alerted the cops. If it were me I'd been crying like an idiot, but these two people just laughed and scoffed it off (on separate occasions) with Eirik saying, "It was exciting for me, now I know how the society works here!" and Ruth's "I really didn't mind if they had wanted to deport me back to Singapore!!"

So while waiting for Ruth to be released we had cheap sushi at St. Mark's (in the East Village) and had wanted to go to Teany Cafe (owned by Moby) for cakes but it was closed! So we ended up going to the Cake Shop instead, a retro/rock inspired vegan cake plus record store shop for chocolate cake!!

The next day was Christmas, and I was all pumped up to go ice-skating in Bryant Park, but when I got there the line was snaking and nobody wanted to wait in the cold, so we went to watch Persepolis, an animated feature length film which I have been waiting for since forever!!! Persepolis follows the life of Marjane Satrapi (director/writer/artist who drew the graphic novels) who went through the Iranian revolution. I really liked the off-beat humor, but in some ways it was portraying Islam in harsh light (perhaps because that time the Islamic fundamentalists were in reign after the fall of the Shah) And for Christmas, the cinema was FULL. Another thought to ponder upon, NYC was full of merry-makers which consisted of foreigners and tourists who were all eager to get a piece of this city while the rest of the bonafide dwellers were indoors Christmas carolling and drinking eggnog and whatnots.

Rest aside, I am really getting tired of just staying in bed, because it's sort of getting into me right now - the dizzy spells and harrowing light flashes and blackouts. Hopefully I'll get to do something productive tomorrow - like scour Chinatown for ingredients to make nasi lemak, or a good hour long run in the gym and find time to catch The Orphanage at Sunshine Cinema later during the day!! It's a new horror film by upcoming Spanish director Juan Antonio Bayona, and produced by Guillermo Del Toro, who directed Pan's Labyrinth (which I watched on the boyfriend's computer because I overslept the night we were supposed to go the cinema to watch it, and how horrifyingly disturbing and beautiful, that was)

Ah! But I also want to watch Coppola's Youth without Youth and the new Coen brothers film, No Country for Old Men! So many movies to watch, yet so little money :( But yes, horror films will always get top priority in my list!! What makes it even harder is living 5 minutes away from Angelika and 10 minutes away from Sunshine Cinema (art house/indie theaters) and 15 minutes from Regal Union (which I've never been to yet, because that's for your usual popcorn mainstream fare)

Watched Knocked Up yesterday, and honestly speaking I've lost interest in watching mainstream comedy flicks. They're just so boring and there's no plot twist or resolution which ultimately results in the lack of viewing satisfaction. Sighness.

Off to terrorize the little kitty for now, until I fall asleep. Toodles!

winter break and whatnots.

School is officially out, and this is what I've been currently listening to. Not exactly what I would say indie, or imaginative, but it's decent... at the very most. With evaluations of my first NYU film falling somewhat short below expectations, the weekend ended in an almost drunken stupor: the awkward prom/potluck do in Brooklyn, the lavish dinner party in midtown Manhattan and 1st Year MOS Marathon (where everyone in the class screened their films).

Standing in the lounge after the screening yesterday after exchanging Secret Santa gifts, the moment sort of passed me in a blur - people laughing and talking and drinking and toasting and dear God has it really been 4 months?

I felt myself drowning almost, in an uncertain sea of mixed feelings, and complete oblivion. This is the life I have subjected myself into, this is what it will look like in many, many years to come, should God permit me to live that long.

Humm.

Four hours later I find myself walking idly along the isles of Morton Williams, picking out ice-cream and sour cream and onion rippled chips - feeling completely at ease and in peace. Strange how the most insignificant and overlooked upon event of my mundane life can become the source of comfort in this strangely alien city.

I really, really miss home.

:(

But here's the bundle of white, furry joy that I'll have for the next three weeks. Her name is Baby, and she is as playful and as hyper as Gondry back home. But of course, Gondry is way cuter with his fat schmucky face and round pity-me eyes (with the exception of his incessant need to be fed at 5am every morning)


As the lead actress of my film would say, "besos!"

removed.

The past two weeks have been such madness, and the feelings of desolation are sort of closing in on me, if that makes any sense at all.

Maybe it is just me, but people seem colder, and it is hard not to feel 'removed'. I find myself not wanting to talk and connect with people anymore. Because the slightest exchange of words/favors/kindness appear more superficial than ever before - and I despise that, that awful gush of insincerity that appears so crystal in their eyes, as much as their mouth (and body) will to mask it.

One thing I've understood now is that I WILL NEVER EVER ask people for help anymore. It's hard enough being here alone, life just gets more miserable when I can't depend on anyone (or anything for that matter) for help, or support.

It makes me sick, and if it wasn't for Steve with his genuine emails of concern and daily conversations with my better half hundreds of thousands of miles away,
I think I would have crumbled underneath all this rubble of peer pressure, and the need to please others.

And at this point I use all of my courage and will power to believe in God more than anything else, that these are merely tests for greater things to come.

God is Great, and He is the Most Merciful.

mondays full of doom and gloom.

"Even if you make the worst film, they won't take you down to a basement and shoot you up!"
Professor Charles Blackwell in location sound class today, regarding the impending evaluations.

And that totally cracked me up, taking away some worrying thoughts driven by ugly, jealous emotions. Honestly sometimes I surprise myself, I say a lot of things about being able to have trust in my boyfriend yet this green eyed envy snake of mine rears its ugly head ever so often, creating unwanted ruckus on otherwise calm waters.

I'm glad that's sorted out, although the question of trust should never be brought up when you're trying to sustain a relationship halfway across the fucking globe.

rindu.

Last Sunday Daniel called and I got to talk to him and Marie. I've been missing them so much that the whole of last week I had endless dreams of how life used to be back then - the same old faces, the yuppie weekend hang outs...

*SOB*
Rindu ok. RINDU GILE KAT M'SIA..
Ni yang rase cam nak balik rumah ni.

:(

fading into oblivion.

"Have you read any Malaysian news at all? Did you hear about the protest rally?"

"You mean the perhimpunan haram?"

"Where do you get your news?"

"Er.. utusan.com.my?"

"Utusan Melayu?!?!?"

Erm. OK. So I have been completely OBLIVIOUS about Perhimpunan Bersih which had hundreds of thousands of people romping the streets of KL last Saturday for freedom of fair election. Now, watching clips on Youtube (two different, biased coverages by Al-Jazeera and RTM/TV3) it's almost too shocking a scene... because these people who turned up to show support weren't the minorities but the majority MALAYS.

And here I am living in my little bubble... thinking what an AMAZING documentary that could have been.
Sigh.

Speaking of which, I think I am fading. Fast.

the highs and lows.

It has been a week of constant contemplations.

1) Housing rent - $2135.01
2) Digital transfer of 1509 ft of 16mm film - $551.10
3) Total cost of production (food, transportation, miscellaneous) - $1023.10

Watching my footage for the first time was heartbreaking at the very least. I mean I am glad that it was all perfectly exposed and focused, but framing and composition were just beyond my (agitated) comprehension. I'm not even sure if I'll have enough usable material to tell a story! That it costs so damn expensive for a measly four minute short film made me rethink the reason I'm here at all - whether it is really worth spending all this money and having to persistently rely on my parents for extra cast to be able to have a place to sleep and come home to, when I can't even perform my very best. It's so disheartening, this feeling - like I've been a complete (and extremely expensive) failure.

I look at pictures of people within that exclusive circle and can't help but wish that I was still back in there, trying to make something out of myself. It's weird how I've been having dreams of going home and going back to that job, meeting my old boss and sitting at my old desk with that ratty old computer, stressing over the mountain load of work (that I secretly enjoyed - 'now that is the creative challenge!' the Queen B of my Art Director used to say) It wasn't THAT bad... I mean I was getting a good raise, had great colleagues at last (after 2 months of solitary lunches) and what could have been better than to be with my boyfriend in his studio for hours at once, for the solid excuse of (professional) work?

Sigh.

Amidst all those thoughts, the day became better when Leo, Steve, Lindsay and Eirik came over and asked me to come along for an early dinner, and since Steve had been prodding on about having an all American breakfast, we decided over Washington Square Diner - where I had the best pancakes EVER (with a side order of scrambled eggs and turkey bacon!!) On the way for more drinks at Applebar we stumbled upon this bus which was modelled like a quaint cottage, with wooden panellings and was playing weird folklore music. I was completely at unease, dubious of the people in the bus who were preaching about unity and peace and everyone living in absolute harmony... if you've ever watched M. Night Shyamalan's 'The Village', well that's how those people looked (and behaved, and talked) like. A few more rounds at Applebar and a half-drunk Mr. John Tintori the Chair coming over to proclaim, "Oh, that four minute film, it's such a stupid exercise we make you guys do, with both hands tied!" I was stuffed, tired, and not overly happy but not as depressed (or comtemplative) as before.

Sigh.
That aside, I miss him so, very very much at this point. I honestly don't know what I would do without him right now - it really doesn't matter anymore that he's halfway across the world in a different time zone and space. For him to be able to just sit and listen to me cry and whine about how I thought the world was coming to an end because my footage sucked, and ramble nonsensical about wanting to just pack up and go home at 4 o'clock in the morning (his time) after a long, stressful day at work without flinching or stifling a yawn - he is everything that I could ever ask for, and more.

"Gondry says hi!"
and how could I possibly not crack a stupid grin.

Now if I can only scrap enough money watch Broken Social Scene live at the Webster Hall next week, life wouldn't be as half miserable as it already is.
And if only is he was here to come with me, life could be at least half tolerable.

life and everything else.

Ok, so it has been a while, but it has been two depressing weeks of standing in the cold, freezing My ass off for a good 12 hours being being insulted, ridiculed, made to do 10 gazillion things simultaneously, AND expected not to be pissy/pms-y/passive-aggressive.

Oh and my shoot went fantabulously UNORGANIZED thanks to:
1) me not being able to finish storyboarding because i was too busy shading and making my drawings look pretty as opposed to actually locking down important key moments/frames
2) having a person who regales in tactlessness, self indulgence and absolute IGNORANCE as a camera assistant
3) the lack of proper scheduling skills

On top of that, everything else is just downright depressing. this whole production period has been so utterly depressing and traumatizing that even the first attempted racial assault I encountered (while walking back home from dinner in absolute tears because it had been such a horrible, horrible day and i had to be reminded about what I was missing with the very public display of affection between a crewmate and his visiting girlfriend) didn't even make me bat a single eyelash.

Other than that, I have learnt how to entertain myself in long, boring subway train rides (because they're all underground, there isn't much of a window to look out at to get lost in happy, cheery thoughts). Making funny faces at other people's kids, observing how New Yorkers dress to get it down to a pat (black, black and black) and of course, bitching silly with Steve and Lindsay.

I also had a girl in a mohawk of shocking pink and blonde yelling in defense for me when a man wouldn't budge when i was about to get off the train, even after I'd mumbled countless of "excuse me"s. She pushed him off the train and shoved me gently on my way, and screamed to him, "Move you useless bugger, what are you, fucking racist?!" so loudly that her voice practically echoed in the walls of the 42nd st MTA station.

Ah, Gotham City. 2 months and a half, I'm beginning to fall in love.
(Yes, even after witnessing my first drug deal in Washington Square Park)

random thoughts.

It is 9am and I can't seem to squash these queasy qualms in my stomach.
I am scared shitless.

On just about everything.

Looking at pictures of friends, acquaintances and random strangers going through 'that' phase in life I wonder if I'm missing out. Eventually I want to be able to be in that realm of holy matrimonial bliss too, but I wonder if I am ready to let go of this. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I don't really know. But I do know for sure that if I just jumped into the bandwagon I wouldn't be able to give it my full attention. And I want to be the best.

Wife, mother, soul mate.

So I'm taking the road less travelled by.

2 more days to the Big Shoot.

If my 4 minute, 16mm black and white silent film looks anywhere near as good as this, I'll lose every single bit of regret I had coming here.

Paula and Patrick have such chemistry it's almost scary.

Now if I can just get back to my storyboards..
Ah, ANTM awaits.

That should take a while.

selamat hari raya. maaf zahir batin.

its 10pm, and almost the end of the hari raya. i've been having classes all long, so i missed the whole raya thing they had at the malaysian consulate earlier this morning.

honestly i thought i would not mind this at all, being alone on hari raya, but it kinda stinks. i'm going to cook myself dinner, watch ANTM, and probably curl into a ball, and cry myself to sleep.

well.
selamat hari raya people.. and maaf zahir batin.

rough and tough love @ think (cafe)

Bethesda Terrace, Central Park - I absolutely cannot wait to shoot here!

Hello.
I haven't exactly had much time to write due to this painful process called 'casting'. It's already painful trying to get professional actors to come audition for your film, it's even more painful when you're trying to get professional actors to come audition for your film for FREE. And dropping by Steve's casting last week, it's amazingly suprising how most of these actors look absolutely NOTHING like their headshots, which make the process altogether just beyond difficult.

SIGH. I have less than 2 weeks before my shoot and nothing is locked down or confirmed. My script's even being revised as I write... it's bad enough that I'm not an American native, its worse that New York is like a big, alien blob of a mess just waiting to swallow me. What better way to get my hands and feet wet I guess - and at the same time discover the goods (Forever21, the Apple store) and bad (more crazy drunkards and homeless people). It's been a tad easier for the last two weekends too.. I mean last week my shoot was an absolute flop but Lindberg said, "clever camera work".. which I found was just weird, but pleasing anyway. And yesterday we shot one film as a group, and everyone was sort of losing steam.. I mean, we met at 9.30am and finished by 12pm! But I went to scout for locations with Steve since I couldn't go back to my apartment.. since my roomate not only had her boyfriend over, but also 4 other guys and 2 girls!!! I was so annoyed because I went up to my apartment to get some cables that I forgot to be able to use the sound rig we checked out yesterday, and my door was locked... and she had told me the night before only two girls were sleeping over, and to my horror all 7 or 8 of them were sprawled on the floor. Even when I got home at 4 everyone was still there, and I really felt like crying because I wish she could have been a bit more sensitive! I couldn't use the bathroom and even praying was awkward!! *sobs* Of course being me I didn't say anything but pulled a long, moody face which I hope gave her a rough idea that I wasn't comfortable with her having all those friends hanging over the apartment.

Since Eirik would be shooting my film I sort of felt obliged to go to his party that night, and it was reaaaaally fun. Lindsay and me took the 1 train to 159th Street, its sort of near Harlem but not really. The streets are wider and it looks a bit dodgy, but his apartment is massive and really, really nice. I got home at around 3am (which surprisingly upset the boyfriend back home) but I thought it was worth taking time out from the apartment where I wouldn't have been able to get any privacy at all.

I really have to get back to my script because I've been at think.cafe for over and hour and my iced mocha is getting diluted and icky tasting. my roomate's boyfriend changed the wireless router in my apartment so now it's not working which just adds to my annoyance, and my macbook has only so little battery power left. Oh! I met Shuraifa and Khatriza, the other Malaysians who go to Steinhardt for buka puasa last Friday night and talked for over 3 hours in Starbucks. I mean its good to meet people out of my class and not be talking about... film. Yeah. I still don't have any plans for Raya this Saturday too.

Sighhhhhhhh.

six months and counting.

I'm so bloody tired!

Honestly, I wish I could just screw everything and sleep until noon tomorrow. Unfortunately however, being the classic procrastinator that I've always been, I have a monstrous amount of work to be done for Lindberg's class... but I'm glad I managed to finish editing my last directing exercise - which was, sad to say, all over the place last night. Leo and Eirik really helped put things into perspective and as much as I'm more or less satisfied with it, I'm sure as hell Lindberg is going to loathe my one minuter and go, "unsuccessful.."

Le sigh.

The copies of KLue and junk that he sent me finally arrived in the mail today! As happy as I was about them, my little bubble of joy was burst with my roommate telling me that her boyfriend was coming over to spend the weekend again. Honestly if I had a whole room to myself I wouldn't mind it at all - it's just really ("awww-kward!" as Steve would say it) waking up with a strange man within the vicinity of my personal space (often, since coming to the big apple has been intruded ever so mercilessly by drunkards, the homeless, broke European backpackers and God-loving Christian preachers) But I guess it is a big compromise - my crew mates coming over every Saturday and Sunday evening to load in the camera equipment back at my place (but on the basis of educational purposes, I should argue, which would always outweigh all selfish, personal whim and fancy!)

Le sigh (again).
On a lighter note, we turn six months today. he is electric, indeed.

the big orange of an apple

Honestly this entry has been long overdue. I just haven't exactly had the time to sit on my ass and actually write something, what more with only being able to leech on, unfortunately, to someone's unprotected wireless internet connection.

It has been a mind-boggling, over-exhausting three weeks of settling in, and getting myself orientated. In some ways or the other, I have been very, very fortunate. I live within the blanket permit area of NYU (Washington Square Village, wedged amidst SoHo, Chinatown and Greenwich Village, and it also means i get to shoot anywhere i please without having to go to the mayor's office for a permit). It's a 10 minute walk to school, 15 minutes away from St. Mark's (THE street in East Village) and just basically right smack in Manhattan where anything and everything is accessible. My studio apartment is massive, and apart from having to share it with someone i have just met two weeks ago, everything else is bearable. For now, at least.

I used to have these notions of how hard it would be to not have any Malaysian friends around - but surprisingly, Americans are easy people to get along with. Sure, I may not be able to participate in their lengthy discussions about the green, blue or yellow lines (subways) or go completely clueless when they mention 'Duane Reade' (it's a pharmacy chain, very much like Watsons and Guardian) they're generally very nice despite how very ignorant I may appear to be. And I remember how torn apart I was, trying to choose between staying with the job I very much loved back home and coming to film school... and when I finally got here, everyone else was pretty much on the same boat. And in some weird, unthinkable way, it was almost... comforting.

I still wake up in the mornings wondering where the hell I am, though. My heart aches for him and other loved ones back home. I miss him terribly, and I miss Gondry even more so.

But holding back, everything seems... ok.

little island of thoughts

it is 10pm on a wednesday night.
two weeks ago, on the same exact wednesday night, i was still typing away at the dilapidated computer in my little cubby at work. time was scarce. i could not breathe properly. heck, i was actually crying - i didn't think i could last through the day, with the monstrous amount of work that needed to be sorted out and finished before the night was over.

such a drastic, drastic change of pace.
i miss waking up at 9am. i miss the long drives in the morning. i miss coming in at 11am. i miss ciggarette breaks with ben. i miss the maggie goreng at carlos. i miss going to l'oreal. i miss going to addaudio for recordings. i miss being able to stop by his place on my way home from work. i miss how he'd patiently sit, listen and help me do work. i miss the smell of his car. i miss playing with gondry. i miss my little apartment in ara damansara.

and it's only been 3 days.

la la la

ok i just need to rant.
but my stomach is churning and i have too many things to think about and do.

LE SIGH.

lazy saturday afternoons

"so, i need to like football to get to your heart?"

"but you're already there!"

"sayang, you so can't be a copywriter."

from my little cubby.

At this very moment, it is 2.49pm and I feel perpetually frozen despite being garbed in three freaking layers of clothes. It’s been raining for the past few days, and as much as I love the smell of morning after showers and the melancholy feel that hangs around the damp, cooling air, dragging myself out from bed this morning was just an absolute torture.

To say that the last few weeks have been routine and mundane would be a total understatement. For a few days, I literally fell apart… into small, shattered pieces. Thinking about the whole incident makes my stomach churn, and even as of today, the days ahead still loom in complete uncertainty. If only time was reversible, I would have done it differently. No…actually, I would have not even gone through it at all.

:(

But enough of the ugly.
Some random ramblings.
Renaldo Moon – Seven Collar T-Shirt
I don’t exactly remember the first time I heard it. But it reminds me of my last drive from the 8tv office,the lonely weekend nights in Kelana Puteri back in August 2005… the gig in Bukit Damansara with Yan, and every single SCTS show I’ve been to.

Do You Want To – Franz Ferdinand
Zalia and Diy would be singing this to their heart’s content while trying (miserably) to sound like Alex Kapranos at 5 o’clock in the morning. It definitely lightened up the tense moments of trying to complete our final year projects… and honestly, its rainy days like these which make me miss MMU the most. The small, hostel room with the curtains drawn close, the soft whirring sound of computers and lying down on the cold tile floor watching a movie gotten off from the web server, and drifting off to sleep mid-way…

I really, honestly miss being in MMU right now.

And how true when they say,
That love grows with each passing day.

one week, 3 days and hopefully counting

he makes me really happy.
that bursting feeling of wanting to bounce off the walls, that particular rush of blood that seeps through your veins up to your toes kind of happy.
today was 'meet the friends' day and he did amazingly great..
so how in the world, can i not fall head over heels in love with him?

at this moment, i am content.

random rainy nights and smashing pumpkins

my head was buzzing with that bloc party song which i've been listening to over a gazillion times for the past two days.

and in contradiction to the night before, where i silently fumed over getting drenched from head to toe in the heavy rain, with my chuck taylors wet and sloshed in mud - i welcomed the heavy droplets which fell hard across the windowpanes as we sat in his car. it was almost too perfect - the cool breeze of the wee hours of the morning, and that toasty warmth of his hand in mine.

it's been so long overdue. and although i broke my own little set of rules of whom i'd choose to be with, he makes it up every other way imaginable. he makes me remember what it feels like to be with someone who thinks of you as much as you think of them. he is that tiny splinter of hope that maybe, there is still room for loving and being loved in this world.

and for that, 21st of march will forever be my day of happy thoughts, and beautiful, beautiful rain.

of things closer to home.

new york was fabulous, despite initial apprehensions.

but coming home, one thing seems to be escalating forward super fast - i'm scared that it might just be too good too be true, that it's happening too soon that it might just slip and fall out of my hands..

:(

intimacy issues.

muse was awesome, although i yawned throughout the first half of the show - standing behind underaged girls screaming, "MATT I LOVE YOU! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!!" really didn't help much. but once they launched into Starlight and Plugin Baby it was just mindblowingly AWESOME. of course, you can't compare this to incubus. but in a way it was nice to let loose, to not think about how just a few minutes before it started i was feeling all queasy about being in such a compromising situation.

i hate stupid emotional rollercoaster rides!

with work being stagnant, and coming to a dead, almost dusty end, all i can wish for is for next week in new york to be a total blast.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

losing my mojo.

i am a horrible, horrible person.

there he was, pouring out his feelings for me on a yahoo window, and here i was, looking anxiously over my phone for that instant beep of a message from the person i wish would really like me back.

what do i do what do i do???

ying and yang

fairuz just left my place.
he came over to transfer 'the science of sleep' from my computer to his external hard disk.
we sat over expensive coffee in ss15 earlier and talked about war museums in phnom penh, diy, and me getting shortlisted for NYU's Film Graduate Programme.

i'm one of the 90 shortlisted applicants from a total of 700.
"you've come a long way," susan carnival from Tisch School of the Art says on the telephone.

for a while yesterday i could not breathe.
l'oreal, maybelline, coke, tv3, ups, mastercard, cathay pacific. more chunks of meat. more responsibility. more expectations.

"you don't want to have ownership over your work. and silence means admitting to guilt."
"you're not helping out, you're of no use, you're not contributing. are any of these traits positive?"
"you really have to push yourself because i can't keep doing it for you."
says my ACD.

i don't know what i want.
i want to be great in what i'm doing at the moment, and at the same time i want to pack my bags and leave for new york.

:(

overburnt.

last weekend was really one of the better weekends i've had so far in 2007 (apart from watching scts perform at zouk) it was the standard RM15 fare, but i think i spent more time outside talking to people rather than inside watching screamo punk bands play. but the ones i did catch, those were worthwhile. like the evolution of telephony delivery from their artyparty 'june of july' debut to their updated 2007 sound (funked up, vocal stripped, radiohead influences galore), adlin junk's little brother faiz's band ask me again and of course, TWKUA (who never, ever fail to rock the stage) it's amazing how they're getting better... i can't wait for the album to come out (and also a little surprise i shouldn't be telling anyone just yet until it's definitely in the books :P)

anyways. zalia was in town so after the gig me and diy drove to shah alam, picked her up and went to williams, then spent the night in her hotel room. it reallly felt like the old times, when the three of us were roomates and we'd stay up the whole night talking while pretending to be doing our fyps, and getting hungry at 6am only to drive to hassan's or mickey d's in SK for breakfast. i don't really miss mmu that much anymore but i miss the spontaneity of being able to do anything, regardless of time and being totally devoid of responsibility...

SIGH.

tomorrow's a freaking holiday and God knows how much i need this break. i think i have been overworking myself and i totally long for the days when i could check out adsoftheworld and talk crap with adrian raj on msn... now i hardly have time to sit in my little cubby (hence the picture) as i need to be running around checking FAs, going for internals/briefings and being constantly hounded by AEs (there have been times that 3 different AEs were scrambling for me to finish their stuff) It is absolute madness. there's been this nasty cold that's been going around in the office as well, and surprise surprise - i caught it. and i had no idea how hard it is to let of work, even when your body's breaking down and saying "no, you can't bloody go on anymore, you're just wasted, damnit, go home and sleep!"
but honestly, as weird as it sounds, i'm loving every single minute of it.

karma is a bitch indeed.

i never did get to blow any candles, or eat cake.
but there was pleasant company and good food. so that made up for the lack of chocolate sponge or blueberry cheese.
and a late message stirred mixed feelings - for a split second, as corny as it sounds, my heart actually ached for him.

but anyhoo.
in a way or the other, karma always seems to find a way to bite your ass... remember when i said work was really fine, but i still felt lonely? last monday i bumped into a familiar face who was coming on board- not even a close friend but an acquantaince, like, FINALLY! Someone i could talk to or have lunch with when the time calls for it. i was ecstatic! then another new person comes in. she is my age and watches grey's anatomy religiously... suddenly people at work seem nicer, and honestly, i don't feel like i dread going to work anymore.

for the first time in 3 months... work's.. fun.
no, really.

but then of course it all comes crashing down. given an uphill task of writing a recruitment ad for the world's largest Islamic bank, i was stumped. i mean literally, stumped SILLY. so while it was due to be presented by 4pm on wednesday, at 4.10pm my copy was being brutally labelled as "catalogue-ish" and "BLAH!" and "i'm sorry to ask this.. but do you think in English, or BM, Nadiah?" by my ecd. of course i was beyond horrified! and there were TONNES of grammatical errors... thinking of it again, i really had some bloody nerve to see my boss with such shoddy work.

so i kinda snapped back to my senses. came home and didn't sleep til like 5.30 am.
and today it was "very good!"

PHEWH.
at least i know for now, my job's still secured.

someone just came in for an interview, and she surely looked 'writer-ish'.
ok maybe i need to work a little bit harder.

it's weird in a way. i have no time for myself, no time for a life and just writing decent copy for a simple recruitment ad just drains every single bit out of me. like i could just write something decent and hand it over, but there is this super strong urgent need of wanting to make it better. to make it work.

aghhh now i know how people have a love-hate relationship with their advertising careers. they don't know why they still do it although it makes them lose a whole chunk of their personal lives.

because at the end of the day, when everything just CLICKS, it makes you feel good.

like damnit.
REALLY GOOD.

so little time so much to do

warm nasi lemak at 2.30am.
spectacle debates over hearts and crushes.
annoying, gut-wrenching pj-kl traffic.
awkwardness and not wanting to talk.
a silly show with an even sillier script, but no less addictive.
baby blue t-shirt very much like amri's.
dinner with majin.

too many things to say. too many things to do. so little time.

a little chat with the boss tomorrow.
my life is peachy indeed.

i am a certified scts groupie!

so yesterday yan, diy and me were over at zouk to catch butters&friends, and honestly, it was worth every penny of RM35 i paid for. not that i am overly crazy about butterfingers, but to catch scts (ok, specifically duan and his high strung, emotion driven vocals and ham's explosive guitar effects) again after 3 months plus was just awesome. i remember getting goosebumps the last time i saw them perform in laundry for crossborders... they sounded a bit subdued this time around, but nothing short of being crazy amazing. there were so many people! of course adrian raj had to kick me in the shins as opposed to a simple "hey budak pulau!" (ok, he was half assed drunk, so i'm not going to blame him). brian was there as well ("i had a feeling you'd be here!! for seven collar t-shirt right??"), and i think i saw irman sitting in a corner somewhere. and i really couldn't keep track of all the karen o wannabes who were literally just scattered around... sometimes i'd like to give myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe, they're really there for the music but when you have a band as great as seven collar t-shirt perform and all they're doing is taking pictures of themselves i surrender! it's so bloody pretentious, although their whole getup is kinda cute. the long top stretched over leggings which stops just short above keds lookielikeys and of course, a ciggie in hand to perfect the sunkissed, look-at-me, i'm-so-indie appeal. (smoking i do not find cute.)

and omg i bought an scts t-shirt!! it's baby blue and i can't wait to wear it for work tomorrow hahahahhahahhahahhahaaha.

anyway, since diy was staying over the night we went to watch 'seed of darkness' and ugh, really, trailers can be SO deceiving. i remember it was slick and edgy, with really nice shots but the whole movie was horrible. i mean its ok to be draggy but they had skewed angle shots every single time and it's hard not getting annoyed. and how very apt of the directors to throw in a shyamalan inspired twist at the very end *YAWN* ok so it was unexpected but *YAWN* LAME-O.

ok i'm just being a hard-assed movie critic.
but it was really bad.

i really underestimated the number of people who would turn up to get the discounted muse concert tickets. by the time we got to sungei wang at 3.30pm the line was snaking all around the concourse it was almost UNBELIEVABLE. so i left money with this sound editor i've only met like 3 times before for my tix (because he was already way ahead in line) and arghh i'm so freaking embarassed because i think he thinks i like him. and it really is embarassing (thanks a lot jolyn!!) sigh!

hanna if you are reading wahhh i miss you loads and loads! :P

lo and behold, 2007

i stopped making resolutions a long time ago, when i realized why i was making ungodly long, never-ending lists of things i could never attain, well at least not in a year. but 2007 is special. i will be 23, and 2007 will be a good year, if i do say so meself :P so in all honesty and in the spirit of being optimistic, i present, my 2007 resolutions:

• to exercise, keep myself fit and eat a more nutritionally balanced diet (less ice cream, more greens!) i'm already fat as it is. i want to be lean and trim :(
  
• to become a better Muslim and have more faith in my religion. i've lost grip of what i believed in, somewhat, this year. i find it disturbing, yet i'm not exactly doing anything to dismiss the feeling. so this year i hope to find inner peace, and maybe, just maybe, once i find it, i will be content with life.
• to at least think of an initiative idea twice a month, and try, try, try really hard to submit in something for whatever award there is. they need to have a reason to keep me in the company.
• to make at least one music video, one documentary and TWO fictional short films. we have been dormant for a year now. it is tragic.
• to get featured in a certain column in a certain magazine. (HAHA)
• to be much, much happier than i ever was in 2006.
• to stop crying like a wimp when things don't go my way.
• to become a better friend, to keep in touch with the ones i care about the most.
• to chase that elusive american dream.
  

other than that, life has been peachy (NOT). i went home for about 2 and a half days, i wish i didn't have to leave so soon. i didn't even get to catch up with old friends who are in town :( but i did get to visit Queensbay Mall, and *yawn* there really is nothing that i'm not able to find here. work is work, and things are really starting to perk up. i have another pitch for a lipstick relaunch, an informercial and a radio ad to think about, so to say that i have my hands full at the moment would be a complete understatement. i am over the moon about finally shifting into full gear and crossing over to tv and radio, and as much as i miss designing (i cannot even begin to express how much i miss clicking away in illustrator and photoshop, playing around with colours, oh, those brilliant, brilliant colours *SOBS*) being a copywriter is really not that bad a job :P the great ogilvy said in his book about advertising, "copywriters may be the most least visible of the lot, but no doubt they are the most important" HA! :P

anyways, last friday was yet another screening of 'An Afternoon'. this time it was a much, smaller crowd as compared to the screening in the National Art Gallery back in '2005 and Freedom Film Fest last September. but a lot of people who mattered were there... and i had the opportunity to talk to so many talented individuals and indie film enthusiasts who came over and said they enjoyed it. johan was there too, so i felt rather sucky that i couldn't hang with him and catch up on things. i'm always like that, telling people to call me up so we can lepak and when the time comes i really can't pry myself and keep my empty promises. sigh.

anyways, it is almost 11pm. i actually need to get started on work. after four days of sheer bliss, getting up in the morning to go to work is the last thing i want to do.

20 more days of being 22!!!