Yuck, yuck, yuck.

David Fincher, you disappoint me!!!

hating my stupid boots.

"Why are you wearing leather boots and low slung skinny jeans? Why are you being all fashion-y on set?!?!"

The last two days have been spent in two feet of snow, blizzards and snorms (snow+storm).
Today was spent in bed.

I woke up and instantly knew how I felt.
I don't want to be in limbo anymore.
I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with a sinking feeling in the pits of my stomach.

I want you here where I am.

I'm in love with...

Alejandro González Iñárritu.

unpublished.

World Trade Center
Director: Oliver Stone Cast: Nicolas Cage, Michael Pena, Maria Bello. Runtime:
129 minutes. Opens: 12 October
TEXT BY NADIAH H

It is September 11, and just like any other day, Sergeant John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage) wakes up before the break of dawn to head to the Port Authority Police Department, in midtown Manhattan. But as somber dark clouds began shrouding the skyline of New York City when a hijacked plane hit one of the Twin Towers, September 11 was not just any other day. Sergeant McLoughlin, along with fellow officer Will Jimeno (Michael Pena) were part of the first team sent from midtown Manhattan to Ground Zero, in bids to evacuate the remaining people in Tower 1 of the WTC. The building collapses before they manage to save anyone else, and as McLoughlin asks Jimeno, “Can you still see the light?” only do we realize that the two of them are trapped beneath 20 feet of rubble, concrete slabs and twisted metal.

In the duration of two hours and nine minutes, one would expect Oliver Stone, fond of throwing in bits of conspiracy theories (think JFK) ruffle some unlikely feathers with World Trade Center. Instead we are fed with serene silhouettes of Jesus Christ, signifying the hopes in these two men (one of the very few survivors from the 2001 catastrophe which saw more than two thousand lives perished) to keep on breathing in time for the rescue team to track them down. With flashbacks of happier times with McLoughlin’s and Jimeno’s loved ones, and jump cuts to those of their wives Donna and Allison cracking down at the thin frays of hope for their survival, Stone nails this one down as yet another idealistic, emotional reenactment of September 11 in epic film proportion to justify the propaganda of God Loves America. But irregardless, WTC still manages to make the average movie buff shed a tear or two, guaranteeing a worthy watch indeed.

Hmm oddly enough I am missing those days in that quaint bungalow down Jalan Bukit Bintang.
Good times.

Tell me.

Do you feel as empty?

Remember... (part deux)

It was already so late, and rain was pouring.
Heavy.
Drenching streets.
Screeching tires.

You insisted on taking me out for dinner.
And we went to MacDonalds of all the places.

You looked at me straight in the eyes, and spoke in length about waves and forms and bits and tracks in terms I did not comprehend.

Then you took my hand.
And I pretended not to notice.

You kept on talking.

I said it was late.
To which you replied, "I'd stay here all night talking to you."

I think I tried hard not to smile silly.
But I did anyway.

:(

:(

It hasn't been five hours since the conversation ended.
i keep thinking that i will be fine, i listen to my happy songs, i think that i am okay, and i will be fine.

i talk with familiar faces. i'm given hugs in return. three for luck.

and i'm struggling to hold back tears so I don't wet shirts and create a scene.
my head feels light.
but my heart is heavy.

:(

Because sadness makes..

words tumble out, in an inexplicable manner.

We sit and watch umbrellas fly
I'm trying to keep my newspaper dry
I hear myself say
My boat's leaving now
So we shake hands and cry
Now I must wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye

You know I don't want to cry again
I'll never see your face again
I don't want to cry again

We leave to their goodbyes
I've come to depend on the look in their eyes
My blood's sweet for pain
The wind and the rain brings back words of a song
And they sing wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye
Wave goodbye, wave goodbye

You know I don't want to cry again
I'll never see your face again
I don't want to cry again

So I read to myself
A chance of a lifetime to see new horizons
On the front page a black and white picture of
Manhattan Skyline

Manhattan Skyline - Kings of Convenience

Oblivion.

Have you ever felt like wanting to drown yourself in the shower?
Not wanting to breathe, or feel, or touch, or sense anymore..

I saw this coming.
And time will heal.
That's the least I can promise myself.

So.. (part deux)

First up, everyone say hi to Figaro:

These two crazy kids went bonkers and threw hissy fits when they first met each other, but now they have to be separated every night. Just because they won't stop playing with each other until like, 5am, and won't remember when it's time to sleep. Figaro is my DP's cat while he's off shooting a film in China...

Anyway.
I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.
I should be ecstatic, though, because:
1) I found an AMAZING actor through my acting teacher, so now at least I've cast the two main characters of my film
2) I got an A with a "Great!" for my Aesthetics paper
3) I'm getting a week off for Christmas when it will be all pretty with lights
4) Weather's been really kind, and I'm really liking the snow so far...

But.
I know I shouldn't feel anything. But how should I feel when an ex is getting hitched.. ? To someone's who's way prettier and thinner than I could ever possibly be. I mean, I should be happy, right? I should be happy that he's found someone better - someone he feels downright sure about wanting to spend the rest of his life with.

But.
Why does this bit of news make me feel completely hopeless, and inadequate in so many ways? I'm totally over the five years' worth of heartbreak, and I no longer have any feelings towards him whatsoever. I've forgotten how he even exists on this face of earth anymore.

Maybe.
It's because it's making me reevaluate my own relationship.
And how insecure I feel about it.

:(

I have to start counting my blessings again.

So.

I have been up since 5am.
I have been up since 5am from two weeks ago.
So, you have absolutely NO right to belittle what I do.
You think you know how it works, but you don't.
You have no clue.

Try being on your feet 12 hours the most, with a 20 minute break in between.
Try carrying in heavy equipment in and out of buildings every single day.

I would be wasting my time trying to justify what I do, because you won't understand anyway.
So, WHATEVS to you!

Anyway. So Elena's shoot wrapped at 11.30am just now. After 7 days. So that's 14 non-stop working days. Deprived of sleep, I looked like crap, and with incomplete pre -production matters up to my eyeballs, SAG issues, no audition space, about every thing I need to prepare for my film closed for two weeks to make way for Christmas, my stoned location owner not replying calls or emails... I was really about to crack. Like, literally holding back tears.

TING!
The elevator door opens.
I'm really not in the mood to make contact with any other living breathing creatures (Psyang and Figaro excluded). But there he is, with a random classmate I can't be bothered to notice. He looks at me expectantly, and I walk in without nary a smile whatsoever. All my planned conversations fly out of the window, and I stand in a corner, two inches away from his lush Green Goblin back.

We get to the first floor. He turns to me, and says, "Go ahead" I put on a straight face and say my thanks without even looking at him.

I. Am. Such. A. Dumbass.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
JFranc was smoking HOT and noticing me and all I could do was act like I was too cool for school?!??!?!!??!

*SOBS*

Well at least he acknowledged my existence.
At least I DIDN'T SMELL. (because I rolled out of bed to set this morning wearing the same clothes I've been using for the past few days, BUT made time to go home, shower, have lunch and leave in time to miss Kim's meeting, haha)

HAIH.
Now,
back to mourningdom :(

WHEN WILL I GET STUCK IN THE SAME ELEVATOR WITH YOU AGAIN?
Probably never :(

NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO..

- waking up at 5am today.
- being out in the cold all day

AND I AM HATING THE FACT THAT THE OPTICAL DRIVE ON MY MBP IS DEAD.
BODOH PUNYA APPLE!!!!

INHALE, EXHALE, INHALE, EXHALE

SEMPAT KE 9 JAM SHOOT 2 4/8 OF SCRIPT PAGES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

ERGH!

I'm getting ready for two weeks of over-exhausting days of being on set as AC to super amazing women DPs!

Other than that, I MISS MY SAYANG :( :( :( *SOB*SOB*

Other than that, I was in Yale over the weekend. New Haven is ah. Um. Pretty.
I still <3 New York.

5 more weeks to madness. NO CAST NO CREW NO LOCKED LOCATIONS BWAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHWMAWHAAHAH *tarik rambut*

*sobs*

nak balik gi kenduri arif ngan abang makan nasi minyak lah..
haih.

Remember...

The heat of the sun grazed our cheeks.
I said, "I love you, but I'm sure you think I'm being cheesy."

"Yes," you replied.

You smiled, and dived straight into the water.

:-*

OK.

So I'm going to write more.
At the moment we just wrapped another shoot... surprisingly it was very relaxed, very easy because my friend Steve is very fixated on his vision (and his vision alone) I guess at first I was bothered, because then I would just be a camera operator and not a DP, but it worked out just fine that way. Because I could use all of my time on framing, and lighting the scene. AND after all that shit talk about that 'Matt' Salleh person, he turned out helpful and accommodating, although it was frustrating sometimes when he didn't get what I was trying to tell him -

But, whatevs. It's over and done with and now I need to focus 110% on my own film this January.
*PANICS*

On another note -
Why am I always sad when I think about you?
Why does that incident play over and over again in my head?
Why, that after almost six months I still can't get over it, and nothing has changed?

:(

Quantum of Boredom..

Ergh, was that sucky, or what?

I love that New York is so small. Small enough for me to bump into you again :)
Too bad I had my tipsy mat salleh i-used-to-despise-just-four-days-ago-but-turned-good-friends-so-suddenly-cause-his-girlfriend-is-away looming around.. such unwelcomed distraction! :-/

But nevertheless.

*swoon*

Apesal...

Mat Salleh semua cam haram bangang ego tak suka share knowledge?
Penat and menyampah ok.

So macam, it's sort of like a big deal la in my class if you're chosen to DP (Director of Photography/Cinematographer) a film because most of the people who get into the grad film programme want to become writer/directors, so not everyone wants to shoot, but the look and production value of the film is important, hence choosing the right DP is essential...

So, memandangkan I like to berangan and be over ambitious tak kene tempat, I sort of made it known that I wanted to major in the cinematography track... so my resolution for this academic year was to shoot at least one second year film, if nobody asked I would shoot my own... thankfully two of my closest Mat Salleh friends asked... (tak tau la kenape pun) Well pendekkan cerite I already shot one, and that was an experience by itself... but I had an amazingly patient and talented gaffer (the person who decides where the lights, what kind of lights to use... all the technical stuff is kind of complicated and you really have to know your shit if you want to become a DP/gaffer.. hhaha so like, I'm totally kidding myself because I have very weak technical skills) but TOMORROW's shoot my gaffer is my DP.. (meaning that I chose him to shoot my film in January nanti) apparently I don't think he's used to work as anything underneath DP/Director.. I've tried being really nice and stuff, even to a point of saying, "Hey, I just want to be clear on this, you know a lot more than I do, do you think you could help me out by suggesting which lights we should use to get so-so effect?" and he'll go, "I can't call the shots, you're the DP!" Eeee so geram ok. Stop being an a-hole can or not. Padahal I'm asking as a friend/fellow classmate, and we're in a creative, learning, collaborative (betul ke gune this word) environment, takkan tak boleh nak impart some of your union-learned knowledge? (yeah he's in the union --- now that's a different story for another day) Padahal when I was working as a set intern on that Uma Thurman movie pun everyone was so nice about teaching me things when I asked nicely... and they were all union members too.

So sedih. Because other than that he's a really nice person. Tapi it makes me sad he does this - bukannya mintak benda bukan-bukan pun, mintak tolong ajar/guide sikit je, something which is totally HIS job anyway.

Aaa cam nak nangis je (cam baby gile sikit-sikit nak nangis)
Dahla last week on another shoot this non-NYU person asked me, after cutting in my conversation with a fellow NYU-ite about what we were crewing on as on other people's shoots, "Excuse me, but, are you even qualified to shoot?" I got depressed the entire day.

okla gotta sleep early calltime tomorrow.
:(

My week(s)...

-_-

Fcuk this shit, I miss advertising.

Of jack o' lanterns...

HAH! So much for Halloween. It's my second Halloween in New York but again, I missed out on all the fun. I've never been able to watch the famous parade, too! (although everybody finds it a reason to look all idiotic, get totally wasted, and for some girls - the one chance to dress super slutty - d'oh) It's so sucky that this time of the year I have to start production - meaning endless shotlisting/storyboarding, production meetings, 12+ hour days on set, losing sleep AND everything else.

Thank goodness for cute, scrawny sound mixer boys - now I'm missing my own scrawny sound mixer boy back home!! :(

OK sleep.

I love...

Distracting myself from work that should be done, and done immediately.

//
It's been a tiring day, but a better one than yesterday. The 3-hour shouting match across continents last night has left me feeling weary, and hateful of my ignorant self. I must learn not to be so overly complex in character - up to the point that I hurt the one I care about the most, by hurling countless accusations on the basis of nothing just to feel better about myself. It's terrifying, how emotionally dependent I have become towards him - but it's even more terrifying actually, realizing what a heartless person I have turned into.

But enough of wallowing in self-pity - of wasting time analyzing bygones.
The trick is to move on, and hope that in time, maturity will set its foot and things will better in the future.

//
"But what if there isn't another month, or another year?"
"Why talk about death, when you can talk about life? Why waste time in talking in the uncertain, in things that we have no control of?"

//
Eventhough there's like a gazillion of actors in New York, only a handful are really talented, and capable of bringing your characters to life. If there is a more tiring/stressful part in filmmaking, it would be casting. My classmates go through rounds and rounds of auditions just to meet the perfect actors. I don't think I've ever been that ambitious.. mainly because I was lazy (I guess that's the Melayu in me...) But with this script where the stakes are higher - I've been tirelessly searching for good actors.

My first round was a complete disaster - none of them even looked the part, or were even close to the age. It's funny how all these people have their headshots photoshopped to death, and when you see them in person they look nothing like their pictures! But today was better. And I'm liking one actress a lot... but I'm not too sure. I haven't found my Kurt yet (he's the hipster boy in my script). I only met two actors... and one of them is just too super cute but completely inexperienced, and one of them is a Tisch undergrad in the drama department who's not so pretty looking... ergh. I don't know what I should do!!!
Sigh.

I. hate. casting.

//
"Well here's what I imagined when I talk to JFranc*... I would be in the elevator, and he would ask me, 'you're a second year, right?' and I would say, 'yes..' and he'd go, 'where are you from?' and i'd answer, 'Malaysia.. do you know where that is?' "
And then she says,
"For me, he'd come up to me, asking, 'you're Chloe, right?' and I'd go, 'And.. you're James?'"
so
//
so silly.

*nama samaran
The cat is curled up on my bed, and thank goodness she is here. We fall asleep together in the dark. In these cold, wintery nights, her steady breathing and soft grey/blue furcoat against my cheek are my only sources of comfort.

Hmm...

I think it's the weirdest feeling ever, reading a blog of someone who's just passed away.


//
To you.

I do not wish to know you anymore.

Saya sedang mengalami...

depressi yang hebat sampai pening.

La la la

First, I'm severely depressed over my ever evolving script.
I feel that every time I see Mick (my writing teacher) it becomes a story so different from the one I want to tell.

Second, things are getting pretty intense, with classes done and over with, and everyone finally shifting into production mode. And thanks to my over-zealousness of wanting to DP two films, I'll be missing We Are Scientists/Smashing Pumpkins/Coldplay *sigh*

Third, it'll only cost me 1/8th of my budget to fly my boyfriend here to work on my set as the sound mixer. Since no one's filled that position on my crew, and now that I have some extra money for not shooting 16mm (sobs)... I'm really tempted.

Fourth, I'm sorry I've been so out of touch with everyone, I seem to be updating my FB status frequently but not writing back on your walls. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, but I do want everyone to know that I have ALL of you very near at heart (cewah perasan gile kan hihihi but I DO MISS YOU GUYS. LOTS!! sini takde sape nak temankan pegi gigs. or tengok b-grade horror films. dah la tak dapat tengok KAMI. Eida weih takdak pun kat youtube :( )

Fifth, at this moment I'm keeping myself happy by entertaining a certain thought. Of a nice one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment, making enough money to buy my own happy place back home, and of course, having my better half here with me. Just a thought, but a pleasant one. Especially when he's into talking about the possibilities of our GMP. Which we ditched when we had an almost break-up last May. Bbbbuttt.. I think I should know better than to hope against hope and then get disappointed.

Sixth, I am hating the changing weather, but surprisingly, it's not bothering me as much as it did last year. It just means no more early morning showers.

Seventh, I absolutely loved Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It's super cheesy but it's made by NYU Grad Film Alum Peter Sollett on a USD9m budget and is making USD26m and counting... and he was supposed to be my writing teacher last two semesters, too. But he had to go make this movie which is making millions. Of course it took him 6 years to get to that point.

Eighth, I found another bubble tea place with superscrumptious almond flavoured milk tea. It's along St Mark's and Jay thought I could use a little perk me up so he brought me there and bought me bubble tea.

Ninth, on the way back from St Mark's after bubble tea and Chipotle I bumped into Agyness Deyn. She's definitely not that super hot, she looks almost average. Poor skin, and super fake peroxide blond hair.

Tenth, I'm tired and I want to watch Grey's Anatomy. Did anyone watch Ampang Medikal on youtube? Sampai nak copy cat the theme song!! And then I read something about a Heroes rip-off, too. Why la why?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? GAH.

Eleventh, Elina from ANTM is starting to irk me.

I can't think of a twelfth so I'm going to leave it to that. Have a nice week, people. And be GOOD!!!
XOXO (cam gossip girl plak)

OKbai.

Dear mouth,

You are so effing BIG and LOUD sometimes.
Don't you know when to stop pushing it?

GOD.
Now look what you've done.
You've made my boyfriend sad.

And it's all your FAULT!!!

:(

:(

Next time I am going to staple you shut if you ever pull something like this again.
You hear me!?!

I want...

A kitchen with an island. TOO.

But I'll have a kitchen not with just AN ISLAND, but with a grinder and a shiny metal hood. AND A STAINLESS STEEL FRIDGE WITH DOUBLE DOORS.

And a wall to wall bookshelf.
So there.

Because my boyfriend said I could.
HMPHH.

Bad, happy everything day lah.

The cat that's been taking over my bed, the pretentious book I try to read on the L, the caramel coated popcorn and peanuts I'm semi-obsessed with (that, and sushi).

Turned up at Abel Cinetech in the W Village for a camera test that's scheduled next week (I AM SUCH A DOOFUS), tripped on my way to school, and now I'm probably not sleeping until tomorrow morning because I haven't rewritten my script to workshop in class tomorrow.

SWEET.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!@!#$H!@$H!~$H!H$H!$H!$
IJUSTWANNAWATCHPROJECTRUNWAY!@#!#!@#!#!!!!!

"I just wanna eat, sleep and have sex." - Kim (on the way to Union Square)

OK bai.
PS/ I know it's you Kat! :P I nak sangat almond bubble tea :( But I don't have the time :( Esok I kelas 10-10!!! :( :( :(

Honestly..

I don't know what's wrong with me, even my boyfriend can't fathom what it is that is making me lose interest in school, or life in general. I'm so tired all the time when I've gotten more than enough sleep, I purposely come hours late for classes (or miss them altogether), I'm sick of even thinking about my second year film although it's still three months away into production...

Well in short I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with school.
Ugh. I need a vacation.

Or a Marc watch.

* * * * *
Here's the rape scene in which my teacher described as, "tame." And I had a feeling my classmates would say that the shots were "gorgeous" (because they're blind and love lazy, malas, unsteady shit) although it's just me balancing a Panasonic HVX, built with a 35mm adapter and Nikon (still camera) zoom lens without a tripod... and screwing around with party gels (Matt's, this time)... I can't do it, I can't do handheld shots camera to save my life...

BOO ME! *SOBS*



I'm tired of film school/talk.
I wanna go ice-skating. Or something. Anything.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Selamat (Belated) Hari Raya & Maaf Zahir Batin!

Ugh, I've been terrible. I didn't wish any of you pun... Sorry!!! Honestly, I didn't have the time... I've also been down with the flu, and missed two whole days of classes... (which I've never, hardly, ever done) But, this year I made sure I went to the CG so I'd have a chance at the raya spread of food (and photo op) joy...

Other than that, I have been depressed with the goings on of pre-production, and classes. I'm tired! I feel like I can't be bothered anymore. All I want to do is just lay in bed and watch one tv series after the other.

But I am loving my (new) leather boots, camera tests, hanging out with M & C (all though their constant fighting is starting to get on my NERVES!!!) and super attentive, super sweet boyfriend.

\\re-edit
Oh, and everyone, please watch 8tv's Ghost. Is Ng Ping Ho a genius, or is he a GENIUS!??! (mad props to the scriptwriter!) It was like, curveballs flying all around. Stayed up til 4am just to finish watching the entire series!! IT'S SO SUPER! AND IT'S MALAYSIAN!!! (thank you, dzof!) :)

OK enough rambling. Tomorrow I shoot my rape scene with M & C!!
MWAHS people. Enjoy rendang while you still can!

PS/ I really do have to stop sounding like a bumbling idiot when I write.

Love.

Shouldn't make you sad...
or feel bad, depressed, or angry...
or repressed, or dejected,
or doubtful whether such an emotional investment,

is even worth your god-forsaken life.

I am...

Super tired, super lethargic. But I figured that if I keep my mind constantly working (and thinking, and mulling over things) I can actually fight sleep in class. I didn't sleep in Gail's Aesthetics class today.. FOR ONCE!! That's like major achievement. Major.

I won't be fasting til raya! So sad! (sad because kene ganti 12 days) :(
I am obsessed with caramel coated popcorn.
I've had too much mexican food to last me at least, until the next year (what is up with my classmates and Chipotle?!!!)

Anyway, today was an extremely long day. Tomorrow pun will be a long day.
But si Abang Minimalis' post today made me a bit kembang (ye saye perasan :P)

I miss my boyfriend lots ok bai.

Nah logo my production company olok2 :

hating..

bedbugs!

For five weeks I've been insanely suffering from bed bug bites. My skin is so fugly right now I can't even bear to look at myself anymore.
Today, the war ends.

No absolute reason to get upset.

Although truthfully and honestly
I can't bear slobbishness.

TSK.

:(

Sedih sangat.
1) Tak reti tahan nangis
2) Tak reti cover line bile tension (especially during telephone conversations with orang-orang bengong e.g so-called insurance-terhebat-but-is-actually-a-mofo-business-scheme)
3) Don't know how to end this war with bugs
4) Don't know why I'm always fighting sleep when I've more than had enough hours of sleep

Happy sangat
1) Dapat minum almond black bubble milk tea from St Alps saiz jumbo untuk buka puasa (at 10pm)
2) Dapat guna meja Ummi (hi Ummi!!) untuk buat kerja so kerja jalan cepat sikit
3) Psyang rajin temankan tido lately

Bumped into Cameron Diaz on my way to the L train on 1st ave... so pretty! so tall! (jakun)

I'm tired of life in general.. cepatla Raya...

edit//
my dp reel.. cut.. finally.. lame ass but whatever...

Everyone, say hello to...

Psyang (pronounced SAYANG)

Kittens are such great, welcoming distractions.
Psyang makes me very happy... although I do feel like I'm betraying Gondry in a way. But he's so far away and last time I mollycoddled him, he made that loud motorboat noise (meaning he's annoyed) and Psyang never does that whenever I smother her with kisses... except meow in her tiny voice when it gets too much. French cats are so much more well behaved than Norwegian forest ones!!!

OK enough cat stories.
I haven't been writing because I've been tired.I don't exactly know why, because I have been getting more than enough sleep than usual. Maybe it's the changing weather... warm and sunny one day... rainy and chilly the next... I forgot how much I hate the unpredicatable New York weather... sigh...
or maybe because everything's started in full gear at school... there's just too many things to do and so little time... :( I don't really have problems with it being fasting month and everything, I just wish everyone would just sit back and chill for a second, ya know? Sheesh...

James Franco enrolled in the first year... and he's really dripping with hotness in person... it's really funny how everyone's been trying really hard to keep their cool around and in front of him, and then drool and brag about how many times they managed to talk to him... other than there hasn't been much to look forward to. For the past three weeks I've been in a constant war with bed bugs, which is super dumb because my bed still reeks faint smells of Ikea.. (which means its BRAND SPANKING NEW) Sigh...

I miss home... I miss being able to just wake up and have absolutely nothing to do... But what I don't miss is the feeling of being under constant pressure... to settle down and move into that next phase of life... I mean under these circumstances, it's just not possible... besides, he's not willing to drop everything and move here with me, and I don't want to get into it without being able to commit and be domestically (?) responsible towards his needs... of course it makes me a wee bit sad when I see other people my age being able to enjoy marital bliss, but good for them... I won't lie and say I'm not envious, but it's not my time just yet... so like, whatever... it's not like it's the key to absolute happiness in life...

I didn't get my library job back... which is sad, but I got a new job as a projectionist, which is intimidating but cool in a way.. anyone remembers Salvatore in Cinema Paradiso? (which we watched for Media Philosophy class in MMU dulu... ) its 35mm so it's good training... I work less hours and get less pay, but I guess I always wanted extra cash on the side to buy new clothes and presents for people, so it's not really a big deal. I've also been watching a lot of movies lately... when I have the time I guess I'll write about them...

OK I'm digressing.. it's like 1am in the morning and I have a script to rewrite and a pathetic reflection report to complete... I hate my new acting teacher... he makes everything so philosophical and theoritical, which I think is BS. Why can't he just cut to the chase and be more practical? I feel like the class is so rigid, and takes away the organic process of learning how to direct actors...

Well enough rambling... I guess I'll be pulling an all nighter... and tomorrow's going to be another long day.

Random ranting.

I miss him :(

I want to..

Write about my new Brooklyn shoebox,
jetlag,
my yet-to-be-written script,
Psyang my fourth housemate a.k.a the kitty who likes to sleep on keyboards,
and how malas I feel about starting school next week.

But mmm. Maybe tomorrow.

Because I needed to get this off my chest... (Susuk Review)

Nah, ni poster lama because I am lazy to look for the updated one.
Usually I won't really bother reviewing films that I've watched, because :
1) I am very, very biased and most of the times, beautiful cinematography clouds my judgments.
2) I am scared that I won't do these films much justice.

*SHEEPISHLY* I am a total fangirl when it comes to Amir Muhammad. He is almost 50% the reason why I'm even in film school all the way in New York, when I could have just been content with my copywriting job back in KL slaving away to become the next uh, Yasmin.. (pergh, KONON je ni, and that's a different story for another rainy day) But anyways. I remember reading Perforated Sheets in NST way back in 1999, writing him fan mail (about my silly ambition of writing a novel at 16) and following his progress into digital filmmaking (he did pioneer the method in Malaysia) asking question after question over teh o ais in Tupai Tupai (back in 2006, and for that I have Boyak to thank forever), listening intently over his talks about the infamous banned documentaries in Help (sampai sekarang tak dapat tengok lagi) and him recognizing me (the stalker girl) when I tagged along Brian (Yap) to watch that badly pixelated movie S'Kali (great attempt, but people should never be allowed to blow up video and pretend it'll look fine on a 35mm projector.. and never, never should Seven Collar T-Shirt's Faith ever be used so irrelevantly... such a crying SHAME I TELL YOU)

That is why, despite the boyfriend warning me again and again NOT to watch Susuk (since he'd been forced into working on some of the foley bits of it) I just HAD to go and see it for myself (after all, I've waited in extreme anticipation for almost two years for its release)

Susuk opens with an interesting dual-premise:
1) Suraya, a trainee nurse who is bored with her mundane, routine life wants to become a super star.
2) Suzana, a superstar will stop at nothing to stay on top (literally, too)

Because I'm too sleepy to actually write the entire synopsis, lets just say the whole film (clocking almost 2 hours) follows the stories of the two characters as each of them tries to fulfill their superficial desires - and are connected through the use of susuk. As Suraya rises to fame and goes through a metamorphosis (from a naive, wide-eyed, straight haired gullible trainee nurse to a Perempuan KL Rambut Karat), Suzana goes all crazy and hellbent on keeping her superstardomness by doing what Dukun Dewangga (Adlin Aman Ramlie, uncannily funny and eerily cryptic) tells her to (thus, turning into a black glove clad, long french manicured nailed whatever demon with a craving for human hearts, especially those of divas, pimps, prostitutes, and unsuspecting reality tv stars) Throughout the film we're fed with very random scenes (with annoying transitions from scene to scene, very much like Ugly Betty the tv series) The ending ties confusing bits and pieces together - albeit very, very loosely, turning Susuk into a decent watch, although until this moment I can't really say whether I loved it, or hated it.

*spoilers ahead* (not that anyone cares anyway, hah!)

Maybe I'm anti-progressive when it comes to plot structure and timelines (having been religiously abiding Syd Field's 3 act narrative structure... because it's the easiest and quickest way to finish a script when the time calls for it!) but I enjoyed Gaspar Noé's Irreversible and M.Night Shyamalan's Sixth Sense (which, very much like Susuk,both open with the ending as the beginning, and the beginning as the ending) Susuk's muddled timeline was just tooo mind-boggling. Perhaps a lot was left in the cutting room floor that could have filled in the monstrous, riddling gaps. First, if Suzana was a transformation of Suraya, why on earth did Mastura (Suraya's housemate) tell Suraya (when asked if she wanted to follow her to the Mona/Rozana concert) that she had an interview to attend (in which she was hired as the personal assistant to Suzana) Unless, it was intended as a story within a story - as Suzana's story is told through Suraya, Suraya is Suzana's final clueless victim in her quest to complete the Susuk Keramat process... making it seem like Suraya, in the story, could have been another trainee nurse wanting to become a superstar.

Errr... ok, I'm totally confusing myself.

Another question would be, why the addition subplot of Suraya's sister and her abusive brother in law (Hairy-has-been-Othman)? I tell myself, although this didn't add much weight to the story, it was maybe necessary for Suraya's character to build her trust in Dukun Dewangga since he'd come to her rescue and save the day whenever Hairy-has-been-Othman threatened her, her housemates, her sister, niece and nephew. *PHEW* that was long. And I didn't even understand why Dukun Dewangga hooked up with a prostitute (at first I thought because they wanted to show that even a bomoh gets tired with his right hand after a while) until I read in some reviews online that he took the prostitute's appearance for Suraya's sort of reincarnation.

Despite the jumbled timeline, I understand if Amir Muhammad and Naeim Ghalili made this film with no intention of its audience taking it seriously. It's supposed to be an homage of sorts (to many, many films I've yet to watch, because embarrassingly, I have a very small film vocabulary for someone studying to become a filmmaker.. malu siot) with many satirical pokes at the current situation of the country (its power struggles, bedroom drama, hypocrisy and god-knows what else) but but but..

Whatever happened to just good storytelling?

Hmm.

That was long winded, and I'm not sure if I made much sense, but as I write this I'm still trying to figure the movie out. I guess that's what I hate the most about it - it's keeping me up at night, diligently searching for reviews and interviews so that the story becomes more crystal clear (because I hate feeling like a doofus whenever I don't understand movies)

Geram betul.

2 more days!

Honestly, I've had an amazing (unproductive) two months and a half of absolute nothingness.
Bliss.

And to think that it's all coming to an end in exactly two days just breaks my heart.
But then again, I don't think I can live like this forever.

This blog needs a revamp! And I've so many things to write about. But right now because procrastinating is my middle name, those will have to wait while I frantically back up my lifeline (my mbp yang dah pernah terjatuh from beg laptop murahan Target, monitor termasuk air, charger meletup dan sebagainya.. thank god this apple is hardy)

:(

Get well soon, please.

Graveyards and dance-offs.

Last weekend has got to be one of the best ones I've had so far this whole summer, ever. He finally came, and so did Marie (on a spontaneous combustion) and we did the whole shebang of random touristy stuff... like walking along Queensbay's stretch of very dirty, rubbish stench beach strip at 7am, visiting the grave of Francis Light, eating Mee CRC (totally random and tak sedap!) and the 'infamous' Penang Road chendol (the one from section 17 tastes wayyy better), hanging out in his big hotel room in the dodgy sort of red light district part of the island and having 'drunken' dance-offs with ringtones from his and Marie's cellphones... overall it was really, really fun and I'm so glad they came all the way from KL to spend the weekend with me. Of course it was really sad when they left but I guess all good things must come to and end.. (like my summer here.. where, where in the world did 8 weeks of my life go to??)

I can't seem to find my camera anywhere and I took loads of underexposed shots on my SLR, so those pictures would need to be scanned.. well later lah when I'm rajin. I haven't even packed for Sydney and we're leaving at 7-ish pm tomorrow... la di da.. yes my 22 year old brother is getting married this Thursday... and in a whirlwind of events, my puny older brother is also planning to jump on the bandwagon soon...


Anyway, I don't need to be told again and again about...some random fact. It makes my stomach churn, thinking about consequences of the rushed decisions I had to make before... like why didn't you tell me earlier so I could have made better arrangements for myself? I don't know how you want me to react or respond, am I supposed to be sad? Overjoyed? Hopeful? What? If that is the case then stop repeating yourself. Because I get it already.

On a totally different note, I felt really god-awful thinking of all the mean things I've said, and the nit-picking on itsy bitsy things that hardly even matter... because I'm being put up as a beneficiary for (the insurance of) a particular person who is very near, and dear to me.. and I know it's not really a big deal or whatever because I could just be a name to fill up a blank but coming from this person it means a whole lot. It made me almost want to cry, and count my every blessing that our paths crossed. Mistakes may have been made, and certain error in judgements may have been terrifyingly hurtful and heartbreaking, but this makes it up in every way possible.

Thank you.

le grave tigre

Boring, random updates..
We went to the zoo last Saturday, just for kicks.. the trip was to compensate not taking the train to Singapore to catch SATC (pffft, how can the zoo ever compare? Sheesh) This tiger looked so sad, it kept swimming closer and closer to us, peering with its big (scary) eyes. Honestly Zoo Negara hasn't changed one bit since like, gazillion years ago. The animals look so very depressed, and we covered the entire area in less than two hours... with a minor interruption by a phonecall from his ex (hello, tolong kacau orang lain, can or not?), it was otherwise, fun trying to break the mundane weekend routine of going to 1-U to eat, tengok movie, balik tido...

Other than that, I had to present my short film idea at the Finas board meeting (twisting my tongue trying to pitch in comprehensive bahasa) and finally I have my money woes at bay now, they're going to give me an obscene amount of money to make my second year film, so joy to me! Now that's settled, I'll just have to start, uh, writing my script... with money being plugged, the pressure just keeps on mounting...
AAAARGH.

So on Sunday I woke up at 5.30am to follow him to one of his many runs at Dataran Merdeka, and when we came back we bathed a very annoyed cat, much to his chagrin. At least now he smells nice, his ears and paws clean... of course he STILL chose to poop NEXT to his litter box instead of in it. What vengeful creatures... but yesterday while buying the sand for the litter box I totally fell in love with this little kitty who kept miowing from its little cage, wanting to be scooped out and be smothered with hugs.. oh well. When I come back for good I'm going to get another cat, so Gondry won't be so spoilt rotten (like he is now, makan sendiri also donwan) Later we met up with Marie, Daniel for dinner at Uptown and then Sunway for random lepaking..

FIVE MORE WEEKS je more duduk rumah lagi!!! So sad thinking about how MUCH work I've managed to accomplish.. tsk. Damn depressing. Oh well.
Next week is 5 days in Sydney and my mission is to find CHEAP, WATER PROOF, NICE boots. And when I get back to New York I'm going to throw those 14 dollar good for nothing pair in the bin for good.

Other than that, nothing much has happened.. I hope to catch Toe next month, they're almost as great as EITS (which I missed) and TWKUA is opening for them, so that's good I guess...

Tomorrow is meeting with the dean from UiTM... don't know how that will go, I just hope I'll find the place on time..
OK rambling nonsensical, I better cut this short while I can.

Now who would have thought...

That Melanie was fighting for her mother's freedom, a hostage held for 6 years by FARC, Colombia’s oldest, largest, most capable, and best-equipped Marxist insurgency... no wonder she never spoke of her mother, or the reasons why she was always missing class to go back to France on 'family matters'. And looking at footages of her on BBC and standing beside the French president, it's no surprise why she appears so calm and composed, and mature beyond her years.

Silly me thought she was just a nice French/Colombian girl who liked drawing comics in her tiny notebook.
This revelation makes all the things I worry about seem petty and absolutely meaningless.

ahhh.

Why all this interest in my 3 year old documentary when I've made this crossover to narrative film, and Adem to purely character animation?

But it's all good.. I hope this is a sign of more to come.

BLESS!
(I am tired of all this jetsetting I just want to pig out and watch dvds all day long)

falling apart, once again.

I found this while I was killing time this afternoon.

No, I didn't stay long to talk to Amir Muhammad, after the screening. Adem left earlier anyway, so it would have been awkward. Nevertheless, amidst the angry tears just an hour before it went on (because I was being a total brat about my boyfriend being late, and unable to tear himself from work to come fetch me from home) it was a great feeling, watching 'Tengah hari/Sepetang Bersama Awek Bertudung' (as Amir Muhammad dubs it, I don't recall exactly) play in Help Institute after I'd given up after sending tape, after tape, after tape there. 3 years was definitely worth the wait.

Now here I am, by myself trying to pick up pieces again. Why do I fall and break so easily when he leaves me at the door? I guess it's just that I've fallen into that comfortable spot again, knowing he is there within reach and is a physical, tangible presence rather than an offbeat, muffled voice at the other end of the line.

I wish I could be stronger with a faster recovery period.

Ugh, just shoot me for this overload of cheesiness.

5th unproductive week.

Urbanscapes was a total blast. I think I definitely managed to catch most of the acts/bands that I wanted. It didn't bother me that my puny film was shown on a tiny tube tv with uncomfortable cardboard box seats either. It was a hot, humid day, but lots of fun with really good company, and my lovely "today, I'm at your disposal" boyfriend.

I choose to be in this little bubble of happiness, rather than dwell on the fact that the political climate of the country is changing so rapidly as everyone gets ready to embrace the next great depression... as immature and ignorant I may come across as, I just need to believe there's still some hope, some goodness, and a tiny glint of brightness at the end of the line for me, for all of us, hence not wanting to thread unchartered territories beyond the borders of my rainbow filled, plastic bubble world...

Well if there isn't then the only salvation would be knowing that there will be much more in the afterlife, and God has made it so.

It makes me almost sad that the couples I've grown to know around me have broken up, and drifted apart. It's heart wrenching, although I'm sure they had absolutely logical reasons as to why they chose not to be with their (ex) significant others anymore... but. Well. Maybe it's just me and my ballooning optimism and idealistic theories when it comes to love. OR. Me wanting to know that what I have right now is mine to last, and hold for long.

My boyfriend hates me being corny, but he doesn't read my blog (out of choice), so here goes. This is an amazing, breathtakingly beautiful song and I can't believe I've never discovered it before.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia Furler -Breathe Me

Be good, people.

odd.

Week four at home, and there has still been absolutely no progress on my second year film script. I've been pampered with good food, good company, and lots of lots of oodling time. This week I am camping over at my tiny apartment. While it's fun being able to meet my friends and go around KL, it's really lonely in the mornings, afternoons, and nights when the boyfriend leaves me at the door to go home.

Sigh. Working people always need to sleep early.

Anyways. Joy joy! 'Cure to Catastrophe' is showing tomorrow at Filmmakers Anonymous 7 (thanks to Mien) and also Urbanscapes on Saturday.. (that one I don't really care much for, since it's going to be one of the many shorts played on loop...) Tonight 'Afternoon' was screened at Palate Pallate, and will be screened again on Saturday at FoodNotBombs KL, and another time in HELP (FINALLY!!!) next Monday night... curated by Amir Muhammad!!! Let's just hope my mommy lets me stay longer... Other than that, I drove to Finas this afternoon to submit my application for a RM20K short film fund. Not only did I get lost (so much for remembering KL roads by heart) but I also finished a quarter tank of very expensive petrol... but good thing is I saw elephants! And giraffes!!! So fun!!! The last time I went to the zoo was in 2003 to take pictures of elephant butts with Zalia...

It's hard being at this transition period. I've just realized how I always like complaining that I never have time to do things for myself when I'm uber busy, and now that I do have SO much time in my hands I get clueless and start idling away... sigh.

Had lunch with Jolyn yesterday and I dropped by the KLue office... mmm well I guess it'll never feel the same like the time I was there, because people (and desks) keep being moved and changed around, I mean, how can it possibly feel the same? It's not like I miss doing shit jobs like cutting paper, stuffing envelops, making phonecalls in the 'sparkly voice' (or so Hanna calls it) but ah, I do remember that one time the whole office was sniggering and laughing like idiots watching Kelvin the Intern from Hell doing his random break dancing moves with his ipod on...

Other than that I've had a lovely time of cakes with Ben, crepe cakes with Marie and Amri, 'candlelight' dinner with Chia Chyi and Kaili, and tomorrow, hanging out with more of my nearest and dearest from MMU days... so top it all off I've had a pretty sweet week so far, despite him falling sick just in time for it to end.. I hope he gets well soon because my boyfriend is not much fun when he's sniffling more than I am.

Ta-ra!

head dizzy..

when I put pieces together and realize what a small, small world it is.
small. ok?

Other than that, my brains have been bursting with boredom.. I have to remind myself time really flies and I should get up and moving!!
In my oodles and oodles of spare time spent on my beloved computer and cooped up in my room, I've just discovered what a cool tool garageband is!!
ALA I CANNOT FIGURE OUT CAMNE NAK LETAK an mp3 on blogger. So setupid. I made a Ratatouille version of Across the Universe!! Now I can't share it with the world, bodoh!!!

:(

On the plus side my boyfriend is back from Phuket, yayyy!!!

Ok tu je bai.

on the surface..

Of course everything seems hunky-dory. Being around him makes me the happiest, but at the back of my head that day still lingers, and I can still feel the searing pain. I think about it a lot, up to a point that I feel that although it's been a month, it seems almost impossible to forget.

:(


Seeing my friends I am reminded what I don't have anymore - a job. While other people are saving money, working for a future, thinking about getting property (and for many, finally getting hitched and setting up a home, and family) here I am on a long journey doing something on a whim and fancy. Not earning money but piling on debt, having the time of my life indulging in an interest which holds no certainty for financial stability... or even a future. Or maybe I just don't like being the odd one out.

Bleh (what a big WHINER I AM kan?!! bengong)

I am finally getting used to the weather, and sleeping regularly. Really that could have been the worst case of jetlag ever... but sadly my stomach still can't take super spicy food (my tongue was on fire when I had Nandos for dinner with Eida... on fire. And a bad tummy ache ensued the day after) because I've gone for so long without super spicy food. And my eyes have been allergic over god-knows-what. It's definitely not because of Gondry, because I haven't been been smothering in his fur or biting his paws since I came back last Tuesday. They've been terribly itchy and swollen. BLEARGH WHAT A GREAT WAY to spend your summer yah. Poofy eyes. Eh I mean puffy.

Other than that I have been very unproductive - been in hermitdom for at least two weeks now. Save for the weekend with the boyfriend and the unexpected shopping spree with Eida, I haven't really done anything. It's bad because I remember during winter break I got so used to not getting out of my bed, but instead pigged out, snuggled with Baby the Cat watching full seasons of The Hills, Laguna Beach, and Newport Habor (go figure) Life really sucked.

The fuel price increase is probably old news. Najib being PM is already almost stale. In other words Malaysia is not a very happy country to be in right now. It's too depressing. My plan of lying on the sand, dipping in the gorgeous gorgeous beach and diving in Perhentian with my nearest and dearest is the only thing that excites me right now (110% more fun than the family trip to Sydney next month.. but then again there is shopping and Supre...)

I miss you guys in New York... yeah you, you and you and you and you and you. I'm already sketching out deco details for my tiny box in Little Puerto Rico (thanks for the term Ummi, haaha) and missing kimchi, spicy squid udon in K-Town, iced coffee and PARFAIT!!! :(

Spread love.

6 days..

I miss him soooo much already!

home might just not be where the heart is.

Great, on my arrival in KLIA I nearly knocked down a lady with a trolley, was told off (humiliatingly) in front of a LOT of people, was embarrassed beyond imagination but somehow couldn't take that stupid grin off my face.

Because there he was, waiting for me.
And nothing else ever felt more than just... right.

Seems like nothing much has changed, and it's almost hard to believe that I've been gone for almost a year.
But walking through the crowd I felt something unknowingly missing and terribly sad - that I've outgrown this place and its people, that I honestly don't see myself moving forward in this bubble, and that I, admittedly, really actually miss New York.


Ah. Life and it's eccentricities.

of random updates.

It's beyond my comprehension, how the wheel spins. Just when you think everything in life is sort of falling into place, just when you let yourself bask in absolute certainty and happiness - that's when things start to fall apart, and life just bitch slaps you right in the face...

.
I guess I got overexcited over the fact that I'm moving in with friends, but the lack of communication has somewhat left me sounding like a fussy prick... :(
Right now I'm crashing over at Kat and Shue's place, and it's not the best feeling in the world having to menyusahkan orang like this... like a nomad, like I don't really have a place to call my own...

:(
But moving on.

Today, I guarded a church for 13 hours straight. I wasn't even allowed to go to crafty for any coffee breaks, or even be on set, which was altogether depressing... and kind of sad, really. It is no fun wallowing in self pity and bitching about being treated like an idiotic, moronic intern who can't handle lock-ups OR using a walkie properly. But I managed to do a lot of thinking. Practiced a whole lot of conversations and played out tonnes of scenarios with different people (in my head) to keep myself amused.

And vowed to myself that I would take control of my current situation.
Sink, or swim.
Do, or die.

I feel like weights have been lifted off my back. I managed to spurt out that I wasn't happy being off set and cooped up in the church, and that I'd wanted to be as close to the camera as possible, because this hasn't exactly been a wholesome learning experience. And it's not like I'm an unqualified undergrad who's not capable of doing things (I mean, sure, they gave me a walkie and excluded the other interns, but do I really need to be told off ON walkie that I had been misusing 'yes' and 'copy that'? Sheesh) Four more days and I'll be happy to be done with being depressed and miserable all 15 hours of my summer days...

Boring stuff, I know. I just felt like the need to write that at least, amidst what's crumbling apart around me -
I can still manage to salvage something (strength, maybe?) out of this emotional carnage...

unloading emotions.

Been keeping myself preoccupied, after calling in sick for work yesterday I turned up on set today. It was slow but nevertheless really quick, and the New York weather was kind... for once. It's turning out a lot better than I expected. I love the crew, and despite having to do really crappy, random shit like stopping human traffic (in which I almost stopped Uma from coming into her own set *slaps forehead*) everything else has been almost... fun.

I'm slowly picking myself up... although my heart still hurts, and that empty, nauseous feeling still lingers at the pit of my stomach. And it doesn't help that by being here, I am utterly helpless.

If only I could see his eyes.

:(

I just want to be ready.
I just want to be ready.

But I do know, that if and when I do fall
There will be more than just a pair of hands catching me

And for that I only have God to thank for.

in constant need of..

companions. people to talk to.
I have been on the phone with my mother more than three times since yesterday. I called my brother. Daniel. Ummi. Anyone who's willing to let my cry, let me drown and wallow at this time of doubt.

One minute to myself and I start remembering little things. the familiar smell after a fresh shower. the rough feel of his crew cut hair. the scrunched up nose in mockery. big, round eyes.

too many. too many things.
suck it all in.
suck it all in.

Sayang, I love you... so, so much that sometimes it hurts.


but these walls are closing in on me
and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

...

Dear God,
Please let me be strong.
Let me be strong.

Please let me strong.
Because right now I am falling apart, and I can't gather myself together.

Let me be strong.
Ya Allah please let me be strong.

:(

officially..

knackered.

For the past week, I have been so super busy trying to get last minute assignments done, DVDs burned and tapes printed out, looking for apartments and being an unpaid PA on the set of Uma Thurman's new film. Now I know that:

1) She likes to knit
2) Child actors are divas in the making
3) A PA job is probably the lowest on the rung (and crappiest to boot)
4) A 'professional' shoot can be just AS unorganized as student film shoots
5) On film sets, there's a lot of waiting around.. and not just for actors.

Other than that, I'll be homeless by next Friday.
Yay me!

*ROLLS EYES*

I can't..

fucking believe you!
orang dah bagi chance and all and you whine and complain and bitch!

I have been reduced to a kuli-herding-cows, err.. extras, and you get to touch a fucking 35mm camera and witness magic happen, and still you roll your eyes like you deserve better.

UNGRATEFUL.
UNGRATEFULLLLLLL!! TAU TAK!!! UNGRATEFUL AMERICANS!!!

EEEEEE BENCI!!!!!

///Re-Edit.
I'm so mad that I need to rant like there'll be no tomorrow. I mean seriously. If I were you I'd be willing to skip screenings and shit to be anywhere near the camera. And here you go about complaining about your film which is already gorgeous as hell.

GRR.
Satu lagi, I hate the way YOU put my hopes up, and then just turn your back and say, well, maybe I'll just take it back. It's horrible, ok - you know tak buruk siku? BURUK SIKU SIAL! Bodoh!! And the way you think next year you're the only one making a film?! What about ME. WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!! And if your script is so fucking great no need to repeat it like a broken record la bodo. If it is great then the work will speak for itself, faham?

So, SHUT THE MOFO UP!!!

OK dah bai.

:(

I showed my first rough assembly in editing class just now. I absolutely hate showing my work in class, because it's almost like hanging your dirty laundry out for everyone to see..

AGHHH BENCI OK. Especially when everyone sorts of have mixed reactions like, "Why are we watching this again?"

:(

:(

*SOB*

On one hand I can't wait to go home to go scuba diving (fingers crossed) and just lay on the beach to read, pig out at home, smother and bite Gondry and just do whatever, but on the other hand (if everything goes well, fingers also crossed) I can't wait to be crewing on this! I want my name on imdb already!!

Last Saturday was a blast!! I had my nearest and dearest over for tonnes of food, ice cream, pie (I didn't even take out my chocolate bread pudding because tak jadi.. sobs) and it was really fun, although getting up to go to Christina's (this undergrad I work with at the digital library) shoot was absolute hell, and what an impression I must've given her falling asleep between takes..

Hmm Gossip Girl is getting better, surprisingly!!

Unmixed, unrefined, unfinished, incomplete!

My boyfriend says it's very James Lee. James Lee!?!?!
JAMES-I'LL-MAKE-A-10-MIN-LONG shot LEE?!!?



I don't even like James Lee. I fell asleep mid-way through his whatzis-called Washing Machine film a few years back.
SOB.

Missing..

my baby Gondry.
him.
home.
friends.
udang masak lemak cili padi.

49 more days, and I cannot wait!
Production period just ended, so now it's back to running in between classes, work, and finding time to edit my film. After the shoot last night, everyone in my crew pretty much got smashed. I don't necessarily enjoy sessions of drunken stupors, because it's really awkward being in a company of people you know not acting like themselves - but I'm pretty much just glad that we were DONE with production. The musical maestro's shoot had my brains simmering and boiling up to the point where I had to make up confrontations and conversations (with strangling, smacking and lots of bitch slapping) so that I'd feel... less angry.

I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why are the most educated people so FUCKING socially inept?
GRRR.
Anyway.

As glad as I am that production period is over, it is kind of sad, too, in a way. But I am definitely looking forward to going home although there's a gazillion of things to think about.. like looking for a new apartment, sublets, EDITING my film (which I'm not looking forward to.. because as satisfied as I was during my shoot, I went to watch my dailies and just sort of... fell out of love with all my so-called cool shots. NOT PRETTY) and so much more.

This entry is getting really boring. Oklah bai.

Do us all a favour.

Take your gargantuan amount of self indulgence, 'experimental' music, lack of social grace and Yale degree, and shove everything up your ass.

Please.

Exhausted..

But extremely content.
Coming soon! :)

Self-consciousness.

This is where I spend 14 hours of my life, in a week, at. It's a digital library stocked with every title of mandatory-film-school-
must-watch movies (and guilty pleasures such as six full seasons of SATC, The Office, CSI and every other tv series you can think of) Kinda like working in Kim's video store down at St. Marks... (minus the hipsters, and the steep deposit/membership fee) I really like my job.

OK, random cerita for the day.
I cannot help but feel very self-conscious right now - thanks to the comment Anonymous made to my previous post (regarding the remake of Shutter) Err... hi, and because it's almost 1.30 am I can't seem to muster a clever and clear rebuttal for my take on Hollywood Horror Bastardizations - I'll have to write about that later. Or maybe after I get the chance to watch it. Hopefully. But indefinitely.

Anyway. All classes have halted to make way for our production period, which has gone into full swing with the completion of Steve's film last Tuesday (in which I was director of photography) It went smoothly, but because his story is loaded with dialogue driven characters, it wasn't as interesting to shoot... unfortunately. I guess I shouldn't be complaining since nobody else asked me to shoot their films :( But I wish I had the chance to shoot something more visually interesting - well I guess I could have done that with his film, but I just wasn't connecting to the story (a wife suspects her Middle Eastern-religion-
denouncing-husband's cousin is a terrorist... now how could I have possibly been visually excited about that?) *BIG SIGH*

My roomate's classmate just passed away this morning, I really didn't know how to deal with her, and her friend coming over and bawling, so I just idly went on doing my daily random routines. News and the very mention of death will never cease to stun and shock and humble and frighten me - in many, many ways.

Why is it that the very idea of dying is extremely and completely terrifying?
I pray that when it comes to my time to die (w'allahu'allam when, and where) I want to be happy and content, knowing that I've done some good (and maybe, some justice too) in this world (this world which is like a tiny, tangible spectrum in an endless, unmeasurable universe)


*(beat)

My eyelids are wavering. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, as I'll be helping the crew transferring equipment from Queens to Jersey, and pre-lighting for Kiel's shoot (I'm gaffer a.k.a Head Electrician) And on a lighter, less morbid note - Friday we turn one year, and because he's such a great big liar ("there isn't a need for cards.. or presents") I got caught off guard with a package containing a back issue of KLue, a card filled with hearts and carefully written words, and an 8G flashdisk filled with more than a hundred snapshots of Gondry the Big Fat Kitty. Indulgent as I might sound, he is just super. Super electric.

Now, sleep.

* (beat) a screen writing jargon I believe, which means the character waits for a moment, or pauses for a thought - creating a dramatic moment (either an emotional transition/moment of decision or realization), also allowing audience to understand the scene and take in what's actually happening.

I AM VERY, VERY ANGRY.

My favourite Thai horror film has been bastardized by Hollywood and is being released NEXT WEEK.


It makes me really mad. Why do they have to spoil every single AMAZING ASIAN HORROR FILM ever BEEN MADE?!?

WHY??? WHY!?!?!
ERGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Sangat benci.
PS/ Hi Fizah! - insyaAllah balik bulan Jun! Tak tau la ape yg Mo kasi kucing saye makan sampai jadi gemok gedempol camtu!! :P
Hi Hanna! - I KNOW WHO IT IS! I do, I do I do!!! OMG I SO HAVE TO GET ONLINE to talk to you!! Soon ok. Make sure you're not busy at work or too sleepy to talk to me!!!

This weekend..

I have been a happy, lucky camper.
I had three free meals over the weekend: Wendy's for lunch at Steve's, Chinatown for dinner with weird, zany Chinese landlady and homemade lasagna at Juanita's just now.

I also managed to:
1) Watch Joe's 3 Extremes, Oldboy and Paranoid Park (reviews later if rajin)
2) Finish my script
3) Submit my documentary
4) Shot-list for Steve's film next week, in which I will be shooting

However, I did not :
1) Clean up the fridge which is an uber mess with empty plastic bags
2) Do my weekly grocery shopping
3) Go to the gym
4) Do my laundry - hence now I'm re-wearing worn clothes

I found a gem amidst Little Italy/Chinatown - it is a fully furnished closet.. I mean, room, for 675USD - to be shared with a Swedish actor (how very convenient!) and only 15 minutes to school via Elizabeth St (which I very much love)

Unfortunately and sadly enough, after spending 2 hours getting acquainted with the landlady, she's giving it to a 38 year old PHD student coming from Beijing.

Sigh. So the search continues.

Bodohnya!!

Sometimes my mouth spouts out words faster before my brain can digest/comprehend.

"My pak tam besar bf is coming to stay for his spring break. Would you mind?"

"How long is he going to be here?"
"Until Friday."
"That's a week!"
"Well, no.. only from tomorrow (which is a Sunday) until Friday."
"That's like, a week!!!"
"No.. a week is like until next Sunday.. this is only until Friday. And we'll be mostly out during the day, and will only be back at night."

WELL. Who is the one taking 18 credit hours and working 14 hours a week and is hardly AT home except at night when SLEEP is required, and who is the one doing 12 credit hours with all the time in the world to go to the gym every night and take afternoon NAPS?!?!?



Memang nak lempang and say bladi hell I don't want to wake up to moaning sounds of you and your Pak Tam Besar bf making out or doing stuff you should be doing in a room (GELI SIAL) but these words came out before I even knew what I was saying.

"Um. OK."

I can only kick myself right now. And bang my head against the wall.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH.
Like school wasn't already so stressful enough, now I have to bear Geli/Meng-psychokan Hidup Public Displays of Affection of my roomie and her Pak Tam Besar bf.

Of cold winters and grey slush.

Being sick is not the least bit fun.
At this moment all I want is to be right next to my loves back home.
:(