celaru. ya, amat!

I think maybe I'll move (from this site) soon. Will keep those whom I'd like to keep in touch with in the loop. Btw, dah bermalam2 mimpi si Zahiril (alaaaa that guy, yang berlakon crite KAMI tu, dia kan yang jadi budak jahat... ni lepas jumpe that day ler.. ish tatau lah, dia tu cam budak baik gile ke, cam poyo sket ke pun ada gak dengan his red chucks) Mimpi visit rumah dia lah, mimpi dia komen2 skrip lah, macam-macam lah.. apa kes?! Whatever it is, he has to go through this vetting process la kan, cannot just cast him right away, what if he is super wrong for the paaaart?? He's so tiny in person too (shorter than me) and so damn nice (tapi muka bad boy gile) OMG! DONOOOO HWAAA

A few things have been bugging me of late. But.. ok lah, lepas dah patah semangat, demam, rasa cam dunia is on top of my shoulders, etc -- ok la let's not dwell on that... today, one of my bestest friends from New York got hitched! I am so, so happy for her. So, this post about Zahiril is dedicated to her... because last year, she dragged me and my other New Yorker friend Kat all the way back to the urbanscapes entrace to look for the guy again after we had passed him on the way back... :) Weddings are so much fun.. and emotional :(

OK tu je updates. Tulisan cam sampah, but woteva lah... nanti la tulis betul2 hokeyh.

day 7/malayland

I just got off the phone with Afdlin Shauki!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NERVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

OK STOP HYPERVENTILATING.
STOP IT!

day 5/malayland

This is getting really frustrating, hitting these walls.
And, I knew it.

I knew long before that I would absolutely detest being here.
I watch TV and look at people around me. And wonder how I can possibly face not being able to return to the city at all. He says I will get used to it... eventually.

Well, he's not the one calling me and making me feel like I'm wanted right now :(

ABSOLUTELY HATE IT.
Having to deal with stupid government officers/specifically orang Melayu PEMALAS who talk to me like I'm a complete moron just because I mentioned that I am still a 'STUDENT'.

At least there people treat me as an equal- you know, the devil that is America, how much you want to hate the people in the country - they treat everyone with much dignity and respect. I remember last year at my future employers' office (the so-called higher authorities at that freaking APEX university) laughed in my face when I mentioned how much money I would need to make another film, to be able to return with my degree. And also talked to me like I'm an uneducated minion fresh out of school. NO I AM NOT GOING TO KISS YOUR ASS.

Ugh, right now, nothing beats the stinking hell out of being able to walk the streets alone into my comfortable Brooklyn pad, snuggling in between the sheets with my darling new cat, Puji.

SOB.

Blah blah

The Storyteller, Part 2

A song of longing I'm hoping to use for the ending in Wasurenagusa.

8 months ago

Everytime I see this it makes me really sad :(

Btw between emotional breakdowns, splitting headaches and overwhelming stress I can't really write right now.

Can't wait for the weekend - to chill, work on a tan, watch some films at Tribeca Film Fest, read and shop for some jeans.
Later, lovers!

BUSYYYYY

SO BUSY OK!
1) endless shoots
2) hanging out with old/new friends
3) writing and rewriting my thesis script
4) meeting with teachers
5) keeping fit!!

<------- anyway, this is my first headshot assignment! (my aspiring actress neighbor across the street!)
Waiting for more to come!! :)

Okeh talk more later!
Now I am sick and hungry, but hoping I'll get to have Vietnamese later tonight! (Aishah: hint hint :P)

spring break day#3

Tengah kat ofis ni, menghabiskan logging gazillions of tapes!! AAAGHH!
But truth be told i would rather be here and finishing up my workload and earn some extra cash on the side. I think if I was on at home, I wouldn't be writing or doing work anyway... I would still be in bed, in my PJs, watching silly shows on hulu...

Sunday afternoon I went up a freaking rooftop to shoot the Brooklyn skyline. Seriously, the wind was so strong and someone told me, had I been up on the rooftop on Saturday I could have been toppled off because the winds were the strongest ever then. I remember when I was on that shoot in the Hamptons I almost fell off a balcony from the 3rd floor -- I had to man a light while the crew shot near the swimming pool on the lower level, and I had fallen asleep on an armchair so when they started screaming for me to swivel the light, I woke up, disoriented, ran towards the light and almost fell off before a classmate reached out to grab me. When you think of it, it's really dumb -- the stupid things you do in film school (for the sake of art)

I've been wanting to put up pictures from New Orleans, but haven't had the time to transfer stuff from my camera. Oh well. Soon! By the way I am really liking this tan I have, I hope it won't fade away so soon. Hehe.

There. She said it. Obsession. I've been trying really hard to resist seeing her for weeks now, she comes across as annoying but she can't say anything because that's her job. Besides she reminds of Liz Lee from MTV. So whatever. For now I have to concentrate on:
1) Changing my routine backwards
2) Concentrating on door frames, on storefronts, on people's jackets

And then I would be 50% there, so I should give myself some credit for that.

Anyway, ok! I finally saved barely enough to buy my ticket home, but I did! I guess I could have done without paying an extra hundred bucks and flown on Cathay Pacific but just thinking about how my butt will hurt (sitting 13 hours straight) from NY -->HK and the flight macam naik bus pun ade jugak, and how dirty it gets blearrrrrrghhhh I think I'll make do with Korean Air (even with the 12 hour layover) I might just take a train out to Seoul but mak saya cakap nanti sesat pastu tak ternaik connecting flight to KL. Hahah! But yes, mark your calendars lovers -- mid May I will be back home (for six weeks)

OK back to work!! It's so nice and sunny out I think I might get myself a milkshake!!!

spring, wooohooo!

I came to work in flats today! Amazing, right?!
Got back from New Orleans last Monday, I'm still super exhausted and super tanned from the trip. Will post up pictures and more later...

I LOVE CHARGRILLED OYSTERS!!! Best gile!!
I also love New Orleans!! So purdyyyy... although really sad/depressing at the same time.

OK LATERRR LOVESSS

update! PS:/I LOVE H&M FOREVER

Can't write long because mak saya dah marah-marah saya tulis blog panjang berjela tapi tak buat apa yang dia suruh saya buat.

BWEK.
I've been so tired of endless weekends of partying (because it's my last semester) and realize that my body can no longer take staying up until 4am, boo hoo :(

AND
Last Wednesday I gave admissions tours to prospective students and talked to (insert suave, macho voice) Mr Hollywood Man, "James." -- proceed with a firm, clammy, cold handshake. But I'm kind of disappointed that he's not as goofy or as aloof as he portrays himself to be (when he's playing himself on SNL or 30 Rock, did you guys watch those?? Funny kan!?) He's almost too cool for school. Whatevs!!

I'm flying OUT of New York tomorrow!! To New Orleans!! With five other people from my class whom I really, really like and get along very well with. Can't wait!!! I'm almost all packed up and ready. My flight out is 7AM, so gotta get up super early!!!

I'm getting ahead of myself now, but here's an idea --- if I have a fundraising party back home in KL, would you guys pay like, RM35 (USD10) to come?

BTW have been having really bad dreams lately. You know, you'd think that hurting in real life is bad enough as it is, but to feel the pain in your dreams -- tenfold the misery :(

Gotta run to work now, talk soon loves.
OH. I AM SO MAD I WILL BE MISSING Wani's baby shower. Benci korang!! HWAAAAAAA!!! Sedih ni :(

A couple of things..

Third week into February, time is flying fast.

A couple of things.
1. For the past two weeks, I've watched: Julie & Julia, The Hurt Locker, Up in the Air, Post Grad, The Burning Plain. Pick of the month: Up in the Air (written/directed by Jason Reitman) It's so amazingly written, and while the chances of it winning Best Picture are slim - it's so good, that I wish I could write something like that. Even the screenplay is engaging.

It's the most sad and depressing movie I've seen so far -- but I absolutely LOVED it.
The perfect film to show a man who can't COMMIT.

And while I absolutely loved 21 Grams, Amorres Peros and Babel - The Burning Plain was a great big disappointment!! To think that all four films were written by the same person. HOWEVER -- this just goes to show: a good script can falter in the hands of an inexperienced director.

2. Congratulations Kat!! I'm so, so happy for you :) Seven years is worth the wait, kan? Hopefully I boleh dtg your wedding nanti, insyaAllah :) and I know you're going to be the gorgeous, blushing bride! I miss you here jugak!!! :(

3. So after someone says I'm 'complacent' yesterday a really good friend tells me, 'you've become so jaded!' Say whaaaa---at? Great, I came to New York to not become just that - jaded, but here I am. Jaded again. Guess it's high time for me to move on to bigger, better things...

4. OK. What's the deal here? Who has been distributing my silly film around? Dah lah tak siap lagi, I still need to put in score, and have the sound reworked on... but now it's been shown around :( That's not cool... and while I am very flattered to be screened with more established directors, I'm still bummed because it's not my best work. I can't even watch it ever again, without wanting to pull my hair out... ok, let's be positive here. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe people will stop and pay attention and I will attract investors to fund my future projects... kan? Kan? Kan?


5. Yesterday in cinematography class we had a demonstration on shooting 3D. At first I wasn't really bothered because I couldn't wrap my head around the concept, but now, after understanding how it works I think it's really, really cool. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm aspiring to shoot an entire narrative feature length film in 3D, but maybe work on a cool installation video with 3D. It'll be so cool!!! Last night I also contemplated on not going to a classmate's birthday celebration. But she came to my party and I felt indebted! So I did. It was at this really cool speakeasy bar in LES - think red velvet walls, a fireplace (!!) and an uber cool back alley entrance.. well not to ramble, I'm glad I went because it was fun hanging out with friends from school :)

6. I hate feeling this way. Waking up every morning thinking that he's bored of me, and have second thoughts about what he's promised me. I'm really trying my best to hold back and give him space but it's so hard because when he's nice I become attached and I miss him even more so, and I want to call and text and make sure he's doing okay. Is it so wrong to care about someone so much? Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I think... I think it's really time for NC (which means... well, google 'break up NC'...)

7. Biggest motivation of running: THUNDER thighs. I mean, you gotta need something that inspires you to suffer through 30 minutes of bursting your lungs/torturing yourself with stitches/wanting to just curl up and scream "WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS?!?!" And fact: I run best with Britney Spears blasting out loud.

OK, I'm really just bored at work, seems like I hardly have anything to do over here when I come in during office hours. BUT! I'm super excited for this weekend!! Shutter Island/a classmate's Glitter Party!! Happiness!! So yes, there is NO REASON TO FEEL BAD. THE VOICE OF SELF-LOATHING - SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!

happy party :)

My roommate Amy and I sit on the couch, staring at all the food around us.
It's 8.05pm.

"What are we going to do with all the foooooooood?" we both whine.


Then people came streaming in and didn't stop coming until 4.30am.
Party= success!

Happy! :)

Because I should've been in Webster Hall tonight, watching Kings of Convenience live, but of course one of them had to get sick and cancel the New York shows - so out of spite I'm going to let you guys listen to one of my favourite songs of all time --- but not by KOC!! Hahaha!

I AM NOT

COMPLACENT!!

AAAAAAAAAAGH :(
So maybe this isn't the FIRST time somebody's said that to me, but I REALLY need to start working twice as hard from now on :(

Anyway, party tomorrow!! I wonder who will turn up...
Then, Kings of Convenience on Saturday night (by myself.. sobs)

Yay!!!

EXCITEDDDD

I'm going to New Orleans for a week in March!! All expenses paid..... YAYYYYYYYYYY HAPPINESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

It is for this :)

pet peeve#1

I absolutely loathe the term 'tudung girl'
Sorry, but I don't see you calling a girl who doesn't cover her hair 'free hair girl' -- she's just a 'girl'.

"I saw that tudung girl so I had to hide my beer"

"I got hassled by tudung girls today"

WTF.

It's completely derogatory, if I do say so myself.

PS/Now I know that fresh blueberries taste so much better with pancakes than blueberry pie filling from a can. Bliss on a Sunday morning!

spring part deux.. WAIT A SECOND. IT'S NOT SPRING YET.. AAAAAA

1. Benci lah. I really thought the weather was going to get lovelier... I've really been looking forward to walking out in flats and flip flops. And not having to bundle myself in an ugly bubble jacket with its popping buttons. I woke up this morning to... snow falling. Pretty, but annoying.

2. Work. I could be a lot more productive, but I find myself spending more and more time trying to organize my life than getting things done... le sigh..

3. Future plans. It's almost February, now the thought of wanting to shoot my thesis film in September scares me. Not to mention that right now it seems that all of February and March will be busy months playing cinematographer... and whatever happened to wanting to start on that feature script?! I wish I wasn't such a lousy/lazy writer.

4. I think hipsters are nice people, but I don't think I can stand being holed up with them in a bar for long periods of time :(

5. Sourgrapes moment: Sundance looks like so much fun :( I WISH I WAS IN PARK CITY!!! :(

6. Turning 26. I made a toast over a small dinner party hosted by a good friend from school - to be happier! :) It's been a week and I have been content.. and diamonds are truly a girl's best friend :) I boxed up my first and kept it cleverly hidden, because remembering hurts :( But then came along this new one on the eve of my birthday - engraved with 375 so I know it's the real deal. Happiness indeed.

7. More and more people are dying young... and of cancer :( One of my new year's resolutions: to be grateful to God that I get to wake up everyday... healthy and alive. And to remember Him every night that he's let me live yet another day.

8. I think I can stop seeing Brooke now because I'm done with the crazies.

9. I think I might want to shoot another documentary. I've always said that I don't enjoy it, but then it's the closest you get to experiencing real people and real life situations. One weekend I went to a funeral in Jersey, the next day I was in a beautiful church taping a sermon in Spanish. Then I'm somewhere in Queens following a Colombian woman dropping off her children to their physically/emotionally abusive father at an undisclosed location...

Maybe on whaling?

10. First arson attacks. Then wild boar heads. I don't get it!!!

11. Stop Apple hating please. Just because the whole world is making fun of Steve Jobs picking such a shiteous name for such a cool gadget, doesn't mean you have to get into it too... it's really lame, especially when most of them haters are probably PC users... so scmi-Pad, iPad, whatever. The name doesn't undermine the coolness of it even one bit. Sure it's got its flaws, but you have to admit it is a pretty nifty gadget to have.

12. Starting to develop this weird sleeping pattern of late. I don't know why.

13. I said I was sorry, and I'm sorry :(

14. With another 3 months of school... I'm really over it. Almost over it. Beginning to feel that I am done with this city, at least for now.

15. Teringin nak makan ketam lagi!!!

What a random post. Later lovelies. And thanks so much for the birthday wishes, I couldn't possibly reply to all but I will in time... thank you!!! xoxo

spring part un

2010! Houston! Birthday!
My heart shaped diamond pendant :)
Soon.

But first, two pictures.
23/1/2010:

i. Prospect Park, thrifting, skating, Wendy's, downtown Brooklyn

ii. my first sewing project: a boatneck tunic dress made with silk chiffon fabric bought at the Fashion District.. using the jankiest sewing machine from Urban Outfitters my sister got me for my birthday!

OK later loves, gotta leave for a film shoot in Jersey!
xo

winter blues #8

No, do not feel bad because you said NO twice today!!!
No. I will NOT feel bad.


ARGHHHH!!

winter blues #7

* une
So, what's the deal with burning churches, people?
Some will say it's political.
I will say it's the lack of proper education and the misguided conception of ketuanan Melayu...

:(
For a split second, it got me really scared. First, the whole dead cow head protest. Tak malu gile ke jadi orang Melayu sekarang? Macam orang purba... nak protest tapi guna cara budak sekolah.

Matlamat tak menghalalkan cara.
EEEEEE.

* deux
OK. Enough.
I'm DP-ing a super hipster horror short in the next two weeks. It's totally non-school related and pro-bono (why did I say yes again? Shot myself in the foot, too soon there... ok the only reason is so that I can add things to my DP reel... seems that most of the money I make these days are from shooting... not writing, directing, or... erm, cable-wrangling)

I'm going back to work next week too. WTF... whatever happened to my plans of not doing anything and laying in bed all day? :( I think I've only had maybe a good five days of that.

I am really annoyed with the way they're directing/editing BB... :( It's not like I'm anal whatever but then it's just sloppy that it gets me annoyed... I'm not enjoying this whole writing business and then having someone else direct/edit my work. Not cool.


* trois
An old friend said this to me yesterday, "so enjoy to the fullest what you have already with you right now, because it wont last....and love will find its way, it always does.." Of course, it was more long winded that that but it made me almost cry, reading what he wrote... back then, this friend would come pick me up from my hostel in Cyberjaya and we would drown ourselves in teh-ais while he lamented on his unfortunate love life.. how times have passed!

Yet we find ourselves at this point again - broken so badly by the people we love the most, and hoping that in time we will become stronger and more resilient... and believe that things get worse only so they can get better..

My heart feels a lot lighter... someone said, in time, it gets quieter. It really does.
But why is it that every single night I pray that he goes far away, and stop permeating my thoughts... he comes back, when I least expect it :(


Be good, lovers.

winter blues #6

Hari ni malas nak gi gym. Besides, later tuan si Baby will be taking her home. I'm so sad!! There will be no more white furball to annoy/play/manja-manja with for the rest of my break :( This morning she crept into the nook of my arm while I was sleeping... after that she went berserk and I had to give her catweed so she'd chill a bit. Good thing is she's been making amends with Monk, the resident cat here... but too bad she's leaving already... :(

CAT LADY SPEAK OH THE HORRORS

Btw I just bought myself tickets to warmer weather the weekend before school starts... my mission is to hunt down Rodarte for Target's mustard yellow dress in MY size... but now, now I just I wish I could get my paychecks sooner... so I can buy more things that will make me HAPPY!!!

Oh! Last week I went to the Fashion District to buy some cheap fabric to make dresses with my mini sewing machine :) Tapi I forgot that I need extra sharp shears to cut cloth... and today since I'm melepeting kat rumah I just have to wait until tomorrow to get them... le sigh.

Happy besday Minah! You are old. But people will always think you are the older sister. Hahahaahhaha!!!

OK off to clean some cat poopie.

winter blues #5

God, I'm still wide awake at 3am! :(

For the past four days I've been busy bee-ing a tourist guide to my brother and my sister in law... ok la jugak diorang ni datang NY -- takde lah bosan masa New Year's eve (party hopping plans terus tak jadi) and we walked 20 blocks trying to get into the barricades of Times Square, only to hop on the 6 train to Union Square and ushered 2010 watching Sherlock Holmes...

I think I managed to cover most touristy/non-touristy parts of the city, except for maybe laying on the grass near Dumbo in downtown Brooklyn, brunching in Williamsburg... oh and the amazing gelato at Chelsea Market because it was closed (which I don't think they minded missing anyways) We planned on renting a car for a road trip to DC/Boston/Philly tapi in the end tak jadi because we woke up super late every morning...

Here's a picture of my highlight of family bonding time over four days:
(Takmo letak gambar diorang, nanti my brother perasan glamour... haha)

Lobsters! And crabs! And I found the BEST MALAYSIAN restaurant in New York ever!!! (in the tragically hip West Village.. how ironic!)
I also got to go ice-skating at Bryant Park... which was super fun, because it wasn't too cold and it was snowing flurries.. :) I'll also be going ice-skating again with my friend/colleague Peggy later this week... yeah gotta find a bigger rink...

Two more weeks of winter break. I wonder what happened to my plans of finishing a first draft of my feature... hahaahaha. Well, we'll see..
I'm listening to a lot of this and somehow it's making me miss late nights cruising the streets in KL... or lepak kat mamak after a gig at Bangsar... or whatever lah, it's making me miss KL like crazy... :( --- although I did grow up in Penang!!! (it's an entirely different feeling... really)

Sedihlah :(

I'm on week 5 of C25K now... can't even start to think running 8 minutes straight. Mesti semua orang pelik, why am I suddenly into running/sports.. ? Well I will be turning 26 in less than 17 days, I'm just trying to keep fit... and besides, when I started I was just really angry, and it's good to have a routine when you feel like your life is spiralling downwards (in my case, trying to get over my 2 1/2 year relationship which went kaput) But anyways. 2010. Yes, I believe you will do me good, if I do say so myself :)

Congratulations to those who have tied the knot! And gotten engaged!! And have storks delivering babies on the way!
May you be blessed with long-live joy, happiness and prosperity.. (cis, cam raye cine lak)

OK the bed beckons... it's only 3 more hours before the kids wake me up for food.. :( It's hard being a cat lady ok!!!
:P

peace out y'all.

winter blues #4

2010 is already looking up :)