:(

I've had a really bad morning, a really bad week, a really bad MONTH.
I am so overwhelmed with work.

But here I am digging my own grave... I don't know why I keep on doing this. I don't know why I like to put the one thing that's going good for me in complete jeopardy. Sometimes I wonder why I even do the things I do... and say the things I say... I can be so, so thoughtless sometimes.

I HATE IT!
:(

What the fuck am I doing? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE?? Gosh I've been depressed before but it's going from bad to worse. From unloading my problems to my boss, my teacher, anyone... then I tell myself, well, I'll give myself time to unwind, I'll try to breathe, watch some mindless tv, sleep a lot.. and then still feel horrible after all that, that it makes me really, really angry. Then when I'm feeling down in the dumps I drag him along with me... bringing up things that don't make any sense, demanding that he be extra attentive and sensitive to my needs, and now when he's had enough and tells me he can't take it anymore, I'm the one on the losing end. Life is so unfair... why must it be so good at one point and be so horrible at another??? :(

I just want to cry and sleep and forget about everything.. and then there's all this other shit to do.. like, school and work and my body feeling like crap because I haven't exactly taken the time to take care of myself... It's like I already have all this shit to think about, and now it's eating up into my relationship, and it's so ridicuuloooouuuuuuuuuuuuuussss that he would think of something so harsh like breaking up.. I mean like... just two days ago we were perfectly happy and he says he loves me and can't wait for me to come back for good and sends me pictures of our cat and says things like he wishes I was home and now it's like, well, "I don't really love you so much right now because you're being ridiculous and don't make any sense.." WELL MAYBE I AM BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH... ? Through the good and bad times???

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSS
This fucking sucks. Tell me that a chemical imbalance in your body makes you say things like, "I hate you" or "I'm going to throw myself in front of a car and then I'll be dead and then you'll be happy"

:(