it is 10pm on a wednesday night.
two weeks ago, on the same exact wednesday night, i was still typing away at the dilapidated computer in my little cubby at work. time was scarce. i could not breathe properly. heck, i was actually crying - i didn't think i could last through the day, with the monstrous amount of work that needed to be sorted out and finished before the night was over.
such a drastic, drastic change of pace.
i miss waking up at 9am. i miss the long drives in the morning. i miss coming in at 11am. i miss ciggarette breaks with ben. i miss the maggie goreng at carlos. i miss going to l'oreal. i miss going to addaudio for recordings. i miss being able to stop by his place on my way home from work. i miss how he'd patiently sit, listen and help me do work. i miss the smell of his car. i miss playing with gondry. i miss my little apartment in ara damansara.
and it's only been 3 days.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
la la la
ok i just need to rant.
but my stomach is churning and i have too many things to think about and do.
LE SIGH.
but my stomach is churning and i have too many things to think about and do.
LE SIGH.
Friday, May 18, 2007
lazy saturday afternoons
"so, i need to like football to get to your heart?"
"but you're already there!"
"sayang, you so can't be a copywriter."
"but you're already there!"
"sayang, you so can't be a copywriter."
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
from my little cubby.
At this very moment, it is 2.49pm and I feel perpetually frozen despite being garbed in three freaking layers of clothes. It’s been raining for the past few days, and as much as I love the smell of morning after showers and the melancholy feel that hangs around the damp, cooling air, dragging myself out from bed this morning was just an absolute torture.
To say that the last few weeks have been routine and mundane would be a total understatement. For a few days, I literally fell apart… into small, shattered pieces. Thinking about the whole incident makes my stomach churn, and even as of today, the days ahead still loom in complete uncertainty. If only time was reversible, I would have done it differently. No…actually, I would have not even gone through it at all.
:(
But enough of the ugly.
Some random ramblings.
Renaldo Moon – Seven Collar T-Shirt
I don’t exactly remember the first time I heard it. But it reminds me of my last drive from the 8tv office,the lonely weekend nights in Kelana Puteri back in August 2005… the gig in Bukit Damansara with Yan, and every single SCTS show I’ve been to.
Do You Want To – Franz Ferdinand
Zalia and Diy would be singing this to their heart’s content while trying (miserably) to sound like Alex Kapranos at 5 o’clock in the morning. It definitely lightened up the tense moments of trying to complete our final year projects… and honestly, its rainy days like these which make me miss MMU the most. The small, hostel room with the curtains drawn close, the soft whirring sound of computers and lying down on the cold tile floor watching a movie gotten off from the web server, and drifting off to sleep mid-way…
I really, honestly miss being in MMU right now.
And how true when they say,
That love grows with each passing day.
To say that the last few weeks have been routine and mundane would be a total understatement. For a few days, I literally fell apart… into small, shattered pieces. Thinking about the whole incident makes my stomach churn, and even as of today, the days ahead still loom in complete uncertainty. If only time was reversible, I would have done it differently. No…actually, I would have not even gone through it at all.
:(
But enough of the ugly.
Some random ramblings.
Renaldo Moon – Seven Collar T-Shirt
I don’t exactly remember the first time I heard it. But it reminds me of my last drive from the 8tv office,the lonely weekend nights in Kelana Puteri back in August 2005… the gig in Bukit Damansara with Yan, and every single SCTS show I’ve been to.
Do You Want To – Franz Ferdinand
Zalia and Diy would be singing this to their heart’s content while trying (miserably) to sound like Alex Kapranos at 5 o’clock in the morning. It definitely lightened up the tense moments of trying to complete our final year projects… and honestly, its rainy days like these which make me miss MMU the most. The small, hostel room with the curtains drawn close, the soft whirring sound of computers and lying down on the cold tile floor watching a movie gotten off from the web server, and drifting off to sleep mid-way…
I really, honestly miss being in MMU right now.
And how true when they say,
That love grows with each passing day.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
one week, 3 days and hopefully counting
he makes me really happy.that bursting feeling of wanting to bounce off the walls, that particular rush of blood that seeps through your veins up to your toes kind of happy.
today was 'meet the friends' day and he did amazingly great..
so how in the world, can i not fall head over heels in love with him?
at this moment, i am content.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
random rainy nights and smashing pumpkins
my head was buzzing with that bloc party song which i've been listening to over a gazillion times for the past two days.
and in contradiction to the night before, where i silently fumed over getting drenched from head to toe in the heavy rain, with my chuck taylors wet and sloshed in mud - i welcomed the heavy droplets which fell hard across the windowpanes as we sat in his car. it was almost too perfect - the cool breeze of the wee hours of the morning, and that toasty warmth of his hand in mine.
it's been so long overdue. and although i broke my own little set of rules of whom i'd choose to be with, he makes it up every other way imaginable. he makes me remember what it feels like to be with someone who thinks of you as much as you think of them. he is that tiny splinter of hope that maybe, there is still room for loving and being loved in this world.
and for that, 21st of march will forever be my day of happy thoughts, and beautiful, beautiful rain.
and in contradiction to the night before, where i silently fumed over getting drenched from head to toe in the heavy rain, with my chuck taylors wet and sloshed in mud - i welcomed the heavy droplets which fell hard across the windowpanes as we sat in his car. it was almost too perfect - the cool breeze of the wee hours of the morning, and that toasty warmth of his hand in mine.
it's been so long overdue. and although i broke my own little set of rules of whom i'd choose to be with, he makes it up every other way imaginable. he makes me remember what it feels like to be with someone who thinks of you as much as you think of them. he is that tiny splinter of hope that maybe, there is still room for loving and being loved in this world.
and for that, 21st of march will forever be my day of happy thoughts, and beautiful, beautiful rain.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
of things closer to home.
new york was fabulous, despite initial apprehensions.
but coming home, one thing seems to be escalating forward super fast - i'm scared that it might just be too good too be true, that it's happening too soon that it might just slip and fall out of my hands..
:(
but coming home, one thing seems to be escalating forward super fast - i'm scared that it might just be too good too be true, that it's happening too soon that it might just slip and fall out of my hands..
:(
Monday, February 26, 2007
intimacy issues.
muse was awesome, although i yawned throughout the first half of the show - standing behind underaged girls screaming, "MATT I LOVE YOU! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!!" really didn't help much. but once they launched into Starlight and Plugin Baby it was just mindblowingly AWESOME. of course, you can't compare this to incubus. but in a way it was nice to let loose, to not think about how just a few minutes before it started i was feeling all queasy about being in such a compromising situation.
i hate stupid emotional rollercoaster rides!
with work being stagnant, and coming to a dead, almost dusty end, all i can wish for is for next week in new york to be a total blast.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Friday, February 23, 2007
losing my mojo.
i am a horrible, horrible person.
there he was, pouring out his feelings for me on a yahoo window, and here i was, looking anxiously over my phone for that instant beep of a message from the person i wish would really like me back.
what do i do what do i do???
there he was, pouring out his feelings for me on a yahoo window, and here i was, looking anxiously over my phone for that instant beep of a message from the person i wish would really like me back.
what do i do what do i do???
Friday, February 09, 2007
ying and yang
fairuz just left my place.
he came over to transfer 'the science of sleep' from my computer to his external hard disk.
we sat over expensive coffee in ss15 earlier and talked about war museums in phnom penh, diy, and me getting shortlisted for NYU's Film Graduate Programme.
i'm one of the 90 shortlisted applicants from a total of 700.
"you've come a long way," susan carnival from Tisch School of the Art says on the telephone.
for a while yesterday i could not breathe.
l'oreal, maybelline, coke, tv3, ups, mastercard, cathay pacific. more chunks of meat. more responsibility. more expectations.
"you don't want to have ownership over your work. and silence means admitting to guilt."
"you're not helping out, you're of no use, you're not contributing. are any of these traits positive?"
"you really have to push yourself because i can't keep doing it for you."
says my ACD.
i don't know what i want.
i want to be great in what i'm doing at the moment, and at the same time i want to pack my bags and leave for new york.
:(
he came over to transfer 'the science of sleep' from my computer to his external hard disk.
we sat over expensive coffee in ss15 earlier and talked about war museums in phnom penh, diy, and me getting shortlisted for NYU's Film Graduate Programme.
i'm one of the 90 shortlisted applicants from a total of 700.
"you've come a long way," susan carnival from Tisch School of the Art says on the telephone.
for a while yesterday i could not breathe.
l'oreal, maybelline, coke, tv3, ups, mastercard, cathay pacific. more chunks of meat. more responsibility. more expectations.
"you don't want to have ownership over your work. and silence means admitting to guilt."
"you're not helping out, you're of no use, you're not contributing. are any of these traits positive?"
"you really have to push yourself because i can't keep doing it for you."
says my ACD.
i don't know what i want.
i want to be great in what i'm doing at the moment, and at the same time i want to pack my bags and leave for new york.
:(
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
overburnt.
last weekend was really one of the better weekends i've had so far in 2007 (apart from watching scts perform at zouk) it was the standard RM15 fare, but i think i spent more time outside talking to people rather than inside watching screamo punk bands play. but the ones i did catch, those were worthwhile. like the evolution of telephony delivery from their artyparty 'june of july' debut to their updated 2007 sound (funked up, vocal stripped, radiohead influences galore), adlin junk's little brother faiz's band ask me again and of course, TWKUA (who never, ever fail to rock the stage) it's amazing how they're getting better... i can't wait for the album to come out (and also a little surprise i shouldn't be telling anyone just yet until it's definitely in the books :P)
anyways. zalia was in town so after the gig me and diy drove to shah alam, picked her up and went to williams, then spent the night in her hotel room. it reallly felt like the old times, when the three of us were roomates and we'd stay up the whole night talking while pretending to be doing our fyps, and getting hungry at 6am only to drive to hassan's or mickey d's in SK for breakfast. i don't really miss mmu that much anymore but i miss the spontaneity of being able to do anything, regardless of time and being totally devoid of responsibility...
SIGH.
anyways. zalia was in town so after the gig me and diy drove to shah alam, picked her up and went to williams, then spent the night in her hotel room. it reallly felt like the old times, when the three of us were roomates and we'd stay up the whole night talking while pretending to be doing our fyps, and getting hungry at 6am only to drive to hassan's or mickey d's in SK for breakfast. i don't really miss mmu that much anymore but i miss the spontaneity of being able to do anything, regardless of time and being totally devoid of responsibility...
SIGH.
tomorrow's a freaking holiday and God knows how much i need this break. i think i have been overworking myself and i totally long for the days when i could check out adsoftheworld and talk crap with adrian raj on msn... now i hardly have time to sit in my little cubby (hence the picture) as i need to be running around checking FAs, going for internals/briefings and being constantly hounded by AEs (there have been times that 3 different AEs were scrambling for me to finish their stuff) It is absolute madness. there's been this nasty cold that's been going around in the office as well, and surprise surprise - i caught it. and i had no idea how hard it is to let of work, even when your body's breaking down and saying "no, you can't bloody go on anymore, you're just wasted, damnit, go home and sleep!"
but honestly, as weird as it sounds, i'm loving every single minute of it.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
karma is a bitch indeed.
i never did get to blow any candles, or eat cake.
but there was pleasant company and good food. so that made up for the lack of chocolate sponge or blueberry cheese.
and a late message stirred mixed feelings - for a split second, as corny as it sounds, my heart actually ached for him.
but anyhoo.
in a way or the other, karma always seems to find a way to bite your ass... remember when i said work was really fine, but i still felt lonely? last monday i bumped into a familiar face who was coming on board- not even a close friend but an acquantaince, like, FINALLY! Someone i could talk to or have lunch with when the time calls for it. i was ecstatic! then another new person comes in. she is my age and watches grey's anatomy religiously... suddenly people at work seem nicer, and honestly, i don't feel like i dread going to work anymore.
for the first time in 3 months... work's.. fun.
no, really.
but then of course it all comes crashing down. given an uphill task of writing a recruitment ad for the world's largest Islamic bank, i was stumped. i mean literally, stumped SILLY. so while it was due to be presented by 4pm on wednesday, at 4.10pm my copy was being brutally labelled as "catalogue-ish" and "BLAH!" and "i'm sorry to ask this.. but do you think in English, or BM, Nadiah?" by my ecd. of course i was beyond horrified! and there were TONNES of grammatical errors... thinking of it again, i really had some bloody nerve to see my boss with such shoddy work.
so i kinda snapped back to my senses. came home and didn't sleep til like 5.30 am.
and today it was "very good!"
PHEWH.
at least i know for now, my job's still secured.
someone just came in for an interview, and she surely looked 'writer-ish'.
ok maybe i need to work a little bit harder.
it's weird in a way. i have no time for myself, no time for a life and just writing decent copy for a simple recruitment ad just drains every single bit out of me. like i could just write something decent and hand it over, but there is this super strong urgent need of wanting to make it better. to make it work.
aghhh now i know how people have a love-hate relationship with their advertising careers. they don't know why they still do it although it makes them lose a whole chunk of their personal lives.
because at the end of the day, when everything just CLICKS, it makes you feel good.
like damnit.
REALLY GOOD.
but there was pleasant company and good food. so that made up for the lack of chocolate sponge or blueberry cheese.
and a late message stirred mixed feelings - for a split second, as corny as it sounds, my heart actually ached for him.
but anyhoo.
in a way or the other, karma always seems to find a way to bite your ass... remember when i said work was really fine, but i still felt lonely? last monday i bumped into a familiar face who was coming on board- not even a close friend but an acquantaince, like, FINALLY! Someone i could talk to or have lunch with when the time calls for it. i was ecstatic! then another new person comes in. she is my age and watches grey's anatomy religiously... suddenly people at work seem nicer, and honestly, i don't feel like i dread going to work anymore.
for the first time in 3 months... work's.. fun.
no, really.
but then of course it all comes crashing down. given an uphill task of writing a recruitment ad for the world's largest Islamic bank, i was stumped. i mean literally, stumped SILLY. so while it was due to be presented by 4pm on wednesday, at 4.10pm my copy was being brutally labelled as "catalogue-ish" and "BLAH!" and "i'm sorry to ask this.. but do you think in English, or BM, Nadiah?" by my ecd. of course i was beyond horrified! and there were TONNES of grammatical errors... thinking of it again, i really had some bloody nerve to see my boss with such shoddy work.
so i kinda snapped back to my senses. came home and didn't sleep til like 5.30 am.
and today it was "very good!"
PHEWH.
at least i know for now, my job's still secured.
someone just came in for an interview, and she surely looked 'writer-ish'.
ok maybe i need to work a little bit harder.
it's weird in a way. i have no time for myself, no time for a life and just writing decent copy for a simple recruitment ad just drains every single bit out of me. like i could just write something decent and hand it over, but there is this super strong urgent need of wanting to make it better. to make it work.
aghhh now i know how people have a love-hate relationship with their advertising careers. they don't know why they still do it although it makes them lose a whole chunk of their personal lives.
because at the end of the day, when everything just CLICKS, it makes you feel good.
like damnit.
REALLY GOOD.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
so little time so much to do
warm nasi lemak at 2.30am.spectacle debates over hearts and crushes.
annoying, gut-wrenching pj-kl traffic.
awkwardness and not wanting to talk.
a silly show with an even sillier script, but no less addictive.
baby blue t-shirt very much like amri's.
dinner with majin.
too many things to say. too many things to do. so little time.
a little chat with the boss tomorrow.
my life is peachy indeed.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
i am a certified scts groupie!
so yesterday yan, diy and me were over at zouk to catch butters&friends, and honestly, it was worth every penny of RM35 i paid for. not that i am overly crazy about butterfingers, but to catch scts (ok, specifically duan and his high strung, emotion driven vocals and ham's explosive guitar effects) again after 3 months plus was just awesome. i remember getting goosebumps the last time i saw them perform in laundry for crossborders... they sounded a bit subdued this time around, but nothing short of being crazy amazing. there were so many people! of course adrian raj had to kick me in the shins as opposed to a simple "hey budak pulau!" (ok, he was half assed drunk, so i'm not going to blame him). brian was there as well ("i had a feeling you'd be here!! for seven collar t-shirt right??"), and i think i saw irman sitting in a corner somewhere. and i really couldn't keep track of all the karen o wannabes who were literally just scattered around... sometimes i'd like to give myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe, they're really there for the music but when you have a band as great as seven collar t-shirt perform and all they're doing is taking pictures of themselves i surrender! it's so bloody pretentious, although their whole getup is kinda cute. the long top stretched over leggings which stops just short above keds lookielikeys and of course, a ciggie in hand to perfect the sunkissed, look-at-me, i'm-so-indie appeal. (smoking i do not find cute.)
and omg i bought an scts t-shirt!! it's baby blue and i can't wait to wear it for work tomorrow hahahahhahahhahahhahaaha.
anyway, since diy was staying over the night we went to watch 'seed of darkness' and ugh, really, trailers can be SO deceiving. i remember it was slick and edgy, with really nice shots but the whole movie was horrible. i mean its ok to be draggy but they had skewed angle shots every single time and it's hard not getting annoyed. and how very apt of the directors to throw in a shyamalan inspired twist at the very end *YAWN* ok so it was unexpected but *YAWN* LAME-O.
ok i'm just being a hard-assed movie critic.
but it was really bad.
i really underestimated the number of people who would turn up to get the discounted muse concert tickets. by the time we got to sungei wang at 3.30pm the line was snaking all around the concourse it was almost UNBELIEVABLE. so i left money with this sound editor i've only met like 3 times before for my tix (because he was already way ahead in line) and arghh i'm so freaking embarassed because i think he thinks i like him. and it really is embarassing (thanks a lot jolyn!!) sigh!
hanna if you are reading wahhh i miss you loads and loads! :P
and omg i bought an scts t-shirt!! it's baby blue and i can't wait to wear it for work tomorrow hahahahhahahhahahhahaaha.
anyway, since diy was staying over the night we went to watch 'seed of darkness' and ugh, really, trailers can be SO deceiving. i remember it was slick and edgy, with really nice shots but the whole movie was horrible. i mean its ok to be draggy but they had skewed angle shots every single time and it's hard not getting annoyed. and how very apt of the directors to throw in a shyamalan inspired twist at the very end *YAWN* ok so it was unexpected but *YAWN* LAME-O.
ok i'm just being a hard-assed movie critic.
but it was really bad.
i really underestimated the number of people who would turn up to get the discounted muse concert tickets. by the time we got to sungei wang at 3.30pm the line was snaking all around the concourse it was almost UNBELIEVABLE. so i left money with this sound editor i've only met like 3 times before for my tix (because he was already way ahead in line) and arghh i'm so freaking embarassed because i think he thinks i like him. and it really is embarassing (thanks a lot jolyn!!) sigh!
hanna if you are reading wahhh i miss you loads and loads! :P
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
lo and behold, 2007
i stopped making resolutions a long time ago, when i realized why i was making ungodly long, never-ending lists of things i could never attain, well at least not in a year. but 2007 is special. i will be 23, and 2007 will be a good year, if i do say so meself :P so in all honesty and in the spirit of being optimistic, i present, my 2007 resolutions:
anyways, last friday was yet another screening of 'An Afternoon'. this time it was a much, smaller crowd as compared to the screening in the National Art Gallery back in '2005 and Freedom Film Fest last September. but a lot of people who mattered were there... and i had the opportunity to talk to so many talented individuals and indie film enthusiasts who came over and said they enjoyed it. johan was there too, so i felt rather sucky that i couldn't hang with him and catch up on things. i'm always like that, telling people to call me up so we can lepak and when the time comes i really can't pry myself and keep my empty promises. sigh.
anyways, it is almost 11pm. i actually need to get started on work. after four days of sheer bliss, getting up in the morning to go to work is the last thing i want to do.
20 more days of being 22!!!
- to exercise, keep myself fit and eat a more nutritionally balanced diet (less ice cream, more greens!) i'm already fat as it is. i want to be lean and trim :(
- to become a better Muslim and have more faith in my religion. i've lost grip of what i believed in, somewhat, this year. i find it disturbing, yet i'm not exactly doing anything to dismiss the feeling. so this year i hope to find inner peace, and maybe, just maybe, once i find it, i will be content with life.
- to at least think of an initiative idea twice a month, and try, try, try really hard to submit in something for whatever award there is. they need to have a reason to keep me in the company.
- to make at least one music video, one documentary and TWO fictional short films. we have been dormant for a year now. it is tragic.
- to get featured in a certain column in a certain magazine. (HAHA)
- to be much, much happier than i ever was in 2006.
- to stop crying like a wimp when things don't go my way.
- to become a better friend, to keep in touch with the ones i care about the most.
- to chase that elusive american dream.
anyways, last friday was yet another screening of 'An Afternoon'. this time it was a much, smaller crowd as compared to the screening in the National Art Gallery back in '2005 and Freedom Film Fest last September. but a lot of people who mattered were there... and i had the opportunity to talk to so many talented individuals and indie film enthusiasts who came over and said they enjoyed it. johan was there too, so i felt rather sucky that i couldn't hang with him and catch up on things. i'm always like that, telling people to call me up so we can lepak and when the time comes i really can't pry myself and keep my empty promises. sigh.
anyways, it is almost 11pm. i actually need to get started on work. after four days of sheer bliss, getting up in the morning to go to work is the last thing i want to do.
20 more days of being 22!!!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
it's a small crime and i got no excuse..
i'm actually listening to damien rice's new album '9' and it isn't so bad.
it's weird how the week begins on an awfully low note and then slowly ascends - the past two days have been better. went to uptown to client's office, and honestly speaking it's not that bad an account. my AD (the one i usually work with, no, not THAT one) told me, before they hired me loads of people came in for interviews... but i got the job. that sorta made me stop, and think.
maybe i shouldn't be giving up just yet.
anyway. i have been watching the OC back to back this past week, and truth be told Josh Scwartzman is taking the show to a whole different direction. which isn't exactly a bad thing, but i think the difference might just come across as repulsive to those who have been following the show since season 1. apparently without marissa in the picture (RIP after getting knocked down by volchok, her ex-bad-boy lover) there's been less scandals, less drama and less tears. it isn't the SAME without her. the OC now includes lots of quirky shots and dream sequences... for instance this year's Chrismukkah episode actually revolves around ryan and taylor getting stuck in a parallel world, one which they don't exist in. i love the satirical take and the quirky soundtrack, but i can't help but feel that the show has diverged, and is dangling precociously between beverlyhills90210 teen drama and arrested developement quirky satirical territory. i mean halllo, just imagine onetreehill having dream sequences. hardly even so! so i doono la whether to like or hate the new OC, but as disgusted as i was to know ryan would get together with taylor (i don't care if they had a mangled relationship, ryan and marissa were so meant to be!! agh) they actually seem cute (and good) for each other.
it took like 5 days to download Last Kiss and to my horror it's in french without english subtitles. what a killjoy! but having internet is such a bliss, i'm downloading little miss sunshine at the moment. still can't find gondry's science of sleep though. anyway this blog is full of ruthless ranting without any intellectual wordings whatsoever, but when its 12.44am i just can't be bothered anymore.
oh! watched glastonbury last night with diy, bumped into adrian. he came alone i think. anyway, it was a good rock documentary. mmmm there are two gigs tomorrow, i do really wanna go to the power jiwa one (for a really stupid reason of wanting to bump into a particular person) but diy and ja will be going to watch DBS perform at paul's place so umm. yeah we'll see if i'm up to it.
gotta read a bit and sleep. i'm knackered and i have an 11am VO recording tomorrow. so long.
it's weird how the week begins on an awfully low note and then slowly ascends - the past two days have been better. went to uptown to client's office, and honestly speaking it's not that bad an account. my AD (the one i usually work with, no, not THAT one) told me, before they hired me loads of people came in for interviews... but i got the job. that sorta made me stop, and think.
maybe i shouldn't be giving up just yet.
anyway. i have been watching the OC back to back this past week, and truth be told Josh Scwartzman is taking the show to a whole different direction. which isn't exactly a bad thing, but i think the difference might just come across as repulsive to those who have been following the show since season 1. apparently without marissa in the picture (RIP after getting knocked down by volchok, her ex-bad-boy lover) there's been less scandals, less drama and less tears. it isn't the SAME without her. the OC now includes lots of quirky shots and dream sequences... for instance this year's Chrismukkah episode actually revolves around ryan and taylor getting stuck in a parallel world, one which they don't exist in. i love the satirical take and the quirky soundtrack, but i can't help but feel that the show has diverged, and is dangling precociously between beverlyhills90210 teen drama and arrested developement quirky satirical territory. i mean halllo, just imagine onetreehill having dream sequences. hardly even so! so i doono la whether to like or hate the new OC, but as disgusted as i was to know ryan would get together with taylor (i don't care if they had a mangled relationship, ryan and marissa were so meant to be!! agh) they actually seem cute (and good) for each other.
it took like 5 days to download Last Kiss and to my horror it's in french without english subtitles. what a killjoy! but having internet is such a bliss, i'm downloading little miss sunshine at the moment. still can't find gondry's science of sleep though. anyway this blog is full of ruthless ranting without any intellectual wordings whatsoever, but when its 12.44am i just can't be bothered anymore.
oh! watched glastonbury last night with diy, bumped into adrian. he came alone i think. anyway, it was a good rock documentary. mmmm there are two gigs tomorrow, i do really wanna go to the power jiwa one (for a really stupid reason of wanting to bump into a particular person) but diy and ja will be going to watch DBS perform at paul's place so umm. yeah we'll see if i'm up to it.
gotta read a bit and sleep. i'm knackered and i have an 11am VO recording tomorrow. so long.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
'loneliness is just a state of mind'
it is, it is.
after 8 weeks of coming to work only to stare at the computer monitor screen for 10 hours, eat by myself and speak only when i am required to, i can now proudly chant that mantra in my head without nary a doubt.
today was unproductive, long and dreary. usually my desk will be piled with countless job briefs, all to be done within two bloody days, at most. see lok came over and asked if i was okay, and if i needed to talk i could just go over his place. i was biting my lip trying not to cry while mumbling, "i'm trying to get over it." he nodded and walked away.
i said hi to a number of people. it was so superficial. i'm sure by now they can tell that i don't give a damn any more. i refuse to pretend that i'm the perky and bubbly newbie who wants to become everyone's friend.
szu lent me a book to read, "The Craft of Copywriting" and it is really fucking awesome. ok. i need to stop cursing so much. anyway yes, back to the book. the first few pages were so inspiring. in saatchi & saatchi london, around a dozen people come in for interviews each week. they hire ONE writer out of a few HUNDREDS of applicants. and here i am, whining away about how unhappy i am just because I HAVE TO EAT LUNCH ALONE?! i know i let my emo horse take over -- i keep moving from one place to the other, hoping that i would be happier in the next. until when? when will i ever be satisfied and truly happy??! when and where???!
so i am going to try to fix this.
after all, do i really need other people to reach the top? do i really need to fit in this crowd? do i really need to conform to what is expected of me? the more i let this depression get into my head, the more blurry my goals become. stop. think. and focus.
focus.
i called him up. i thought maybe we could talk, maybe he would listen.
but he chose to watch the idiot box instead of talking to me.
so why in the world do i still even bother.
after 8 weeks of coming to work only to stare at the computer monitor screen for 10 hours, eat by myself and speak only when i am required to, i can now proudly chant that mantra in my head without nary a doubt.
today was unproductive, long and dreary. usually my desk will be piled with countless job briefs, all to be done within two bloody days, at most. see lok came over and asked if i was okay, and if i needed to talk i could just go over his place. i was biting my lip trying not to cry while mumbling, "i'm trying to get over it." he nodded and walked away.
i said hi to a number of people. it was so superficial. i'm sure by now they can tell that i don't give a damn any more. i refuse to pretend that i'm the perky and bubbly newbie who wants to become everyone's friend.
szu lent me a book to read, "The Craft of Copywriting" and it is really fucking awesome. ok. i need to stop cursing so much. anyway yes, back to the book. the first few pages were so inspiring. in saatchi & saatchi london, around a dozen people come in for interviews each week. they hire ONE writer out of a few HUNDREDS of applicants. and here i am, whining away about how unhappy i am just because I HAVE TO EAT LUNCH ALONE?! i know i let my emo horse take over -- i keep moving from one place to the other, hoping that i would be happier in the next. until when? when will i ever be satisfied and truly happy??! when and where???!
so i am going to try to fix this.
after all, do i really need other people to reach the top? do i really need to fit in this crowd? do i really need to conform to what is expected of me? the more i let this depression get into my head, the more blurry my goals become. stop. think. and focus.
focus.
i called him up. i thought maybe we could talk, maybe he would listen.
but he chose to watch the idiot box instead of talking to me.
so why in the world do i still even bother.
Monday, December 18, 2006
a bad start to a bloody long week.
it's 5 minutes after 1am, and my head is literally throbbing.
mondays are usually long and dreary, so i wasn't expecting this one to be any different. came in to work as usual, and skipped lunch just for the sake of it (i wasn't that hungry, really... ok. i lie. i didn't want to have yet another meal on my own and look just down right pathetic) went over to the finance department only to find out that my cheque hasn't been cleared, and i'll have to wait another two weeks before i get paid at all. that made my stomach twist into this uncomfortable knot. here i am, desperately broke and short of cash. AND working my ass off 10 hours a day. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN PAID A SINGLE CENT.
i have to stop over analyzing on the little facts that make me hate going to work so, so, so much. it's either the solitary lunches, the awkward pauses in between making conversation with people who don't give a rat's ass that i even exist, or the condescending tone the certain elitist few adopt when talking to me.
maybe it's just me being paranoid. i've tried being strong, tried not to care, tried to just go through the day without feeling like i'm about to burst into tears at any given minute. because i want to do this, and i know it in my heart that i can do it... but it's so hard.
IT IS SO BLOODY HARD TRYING TO LOVE THIS JOB WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND DREAD HAVING TO GO TO WORK WHERE ALMOST EVERYONE IS JUST FUCKING COLD.
so there i was, just saying out my two cents' worth and the art director i work with starts getting all pissy and snappish. i totally understand him having 100% control in terms of art direction but i thought i was entitled to my own opinions as well! so i said i was sorry, and still he went on acting like i had committed the biggest sin of all (bruising his god forsaken ego) and started throwing a tantrum (crushing the poster we had worked on, which he had just printed and letting out a flurry of anger tinged chinky words he knew i wouldn't understand) - and went on to tell me, "Don't take it personally!" I'm like, wtf? Here you are acting like a child, and you have the goddamn bloody nerve to tell me to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY?
WELL FUCK YOU.
of course all this anger came only after i rushed to the toilet, locked myself in a cubicle and cried like it was the end of the world.
i know. i let my weakness get the best of me - i'm such a cry baby. i cry at every open opportunity there is.
i cried when i was in 8tv, because i hated being in constant competition with amri.
i cried when i was in krakatua, because i was sticking out like a sore thumb and was forced to deal with having lunch alone every single day.
i cried when i was in KLue because i felt i was being taken for granted, and heaved with all the petty things other people couldn't be bothered to do.
and God knows the bucketful of tears i cried while i was in mmu.
i used to think i was strong, that i could do this. i could afford to be different than others, that i could banish that misconception about how all tudung girls are kuno, kampung and stupid - and i've been doing it so well for the past 22 years, but why is it getting harder now? why do i feel like i'm starting to lose my ground? that maybe i should just let go and be CONTENT with the fact that
I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE THAT DIFFERENT ANYMORE.
for all the times i got slagged off in school for being the only malay in a uniform unit condensed with a majority of chinkies, and in mmu where i had to struggle to not completely blend into the group of "tak kisah, semue pun takpe" malays whom didn't even get to graduate on time,
i was not prepared for this.
i was not prepared.
mondays are usually long and dreary, so i wasn't expecting this one to be any different. came in to work as usual, and skipped lunch just for the sake of it (i wasn't that hungry, really... ok. i lie. i didn't want to have yet another meal on my own and look just down right pathetic) went over to the finance department only to find out that my cheque hasn't been cleared, and i'll have to wait another two weeks before i get paid at all. that made my stomach twist into this uncomfortable knot. here i am, desperately broke and short of cash. AND working my ass off 10 hours a day. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN PAID A SINGLE CENT.
i have to stop over analyzing on the little facts that make me hate going to work so, so, so much. it's either the solitary lunches, the awkward pauses in between making conversation with people who don't give a rat's ass that i even exist, or the condescending tone the certain elitist few adopt when talking to me.
maybe it's just me being paranoid. i've tried being strong, tried not to care, tried to just go through the day without feeling like i'm about to burst into tears at any given minute. because i want to do this, and i know it in my heart that i can do it... but it's so hard.
IT IS SO BLOODY HARD TRYING TO LOVE THIS JOB WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND DREAD HAVING TO GO TO WORK WHERE ALMOST EVERYONE IS JUST FUCKING COLD.
so there i was, just saying out my two cents' worth and the art director i work with starts getting all pissy and snappish. i totally understand him having 100% control in terms of art direction but i thought i was entitled to my own opinions as well! so i said i was sorry, and still he went on acting like i had committed the biggest sin of all (bruising his god forsaken ego) and started throwing a tantrum (crushing the poster we had worked on, which he had just printed and letting out a flurry of anger tinged chinky words he knew i wouldn't understand) - and went on to tell me, "Don't take it personally!" I'm like, wtf? Here you are acting like a child, and you have the goddamn bloody nerve to tell me to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY?
WELL FUCK YOU.
of course all this anger came only after i rushed to the toilet, locked myself in a cubicle and cried like it was the end of the world.
i know. i let my weakness get the best of me - i'm such a cry baby. i cry at every open opportunity there is.
i cried when i was in 8tv, because i hated being in constant competition with amri.
i cried when i was in krakatua, because i was sticking out like a sore thumb and was forced to deal with having lunch alone every single day.
i cried when i was in KLue because i felt i was being taken for granted, and heaved with all the petty things other people couldn't be bothered to do.
and God knows the bucketful of tears i cried while i was in mmu.
i used to think i was strong, that i could do this. i could afford to be different than others, that i could banish that misconception about how all tudung girls are kuno, kampung and stupid - and i've been doing it so well for the past 22 years, but why is it getting harder now? why do i feel like i'm starting to lose my ground? that maybe i should just let go and be CONTENT with the fact that
I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE THAT DIFFERENT ANYMORE.
for all the times i got slagged off in school for being the only malay in a uniform unit condensed with a majority of chinkies, and in mmu where i had to struggle to not completely blend into the group of "tak kisah, semue pun takpe" malays whom didn't even get to graduate on time,
i was not prepared for this.
i was not prepared.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh..
ok it's nearing christmas, meaning new year's looming closer..
i dono la, every time i have the urge to write there'll just be an episode of Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives to watch- great big distractions (but ones that i welcome most graciously, haha) but anyways. after that hormonally charged breakdown the other night, things just sort of started to fall into place.
i know i've never mentioned about how much i hated (and still do, sometimes) going to work. fine, it's the agency of the year, blah blah blah. but the environment is so cold and sterile. everytime i bother making any effort to gel in they'd just push me away. it's been
two months, and i can very well clearly remember with KLue, after two months i felt right at home. i hate feeling disconnected from everyone else - and it's really hard when they've all made stereotype judgements about me (an art director feigned genuine surprise when i mentioned my favourite band. he goes, "wah.. i thought you listen to raihan!") uh. right. not that i feel insulted or anything, but being the small hearted person that i am it's a bitter pill to swallow. especially it isn't just one person but a substantial number who talk to me like i'm a rung lower than they are.
i hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE IT.
which is why i didn't really feel like going to the company party last night. but i did, and it was fine. everyone was nice. i had a rather decent time. hummmmmmm. i also had my first two recordings over at add audio last week, they were rather daunting at first but i'm glad some people were really helpful.
went over to laundry for the Junk Garage Video Workshop earlier. speaking of Junk, i am so freaking mad at this one writer who totally ripped off my review of the crossborders gig from the KLue blog, and rehashed it as her own and it got published in Issue #2. i don't care if people say imitation is the best form of flattery... that's just plagiarism! ughhhhh. i haven't told adlin... i don't know if i should. but i do want to tell him that if his contributors were just going to rip other people's articles and present them as their own, then I MIGHT AS WELL BLOODY WRITE for Junk. So there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. ok it's almost 2.15 and i am ranting like nobody's business. esok merengkot la nak bangun pagi gi keje. demit. another long week, and i haven't even been paid a single cent yet.
good night suckers.
i dono la, every time i have the urge to write there'll just be an episode of Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives to watch- great big distractions (but ones that i welcome most graciously, haha) but anyways. after that hormonally charged breakdown the other night, things just sort of started to fall into place.
i know i've never mentioned about how much i hated (and still do, sometimes) going to work. fine, it's the agency of the year, blah blah blah. but the environment is so cold and sterile. everytime i bother making any effort to gel in they'd just push me away. it's been
two months, and i can very well clearly remember with KLue, after two months i felt right at home. i hate feeling disconnected from everyone else - and it's really hard when they've all made stereotype judgements about me (an art director feigned genuine surprise when i mentioned my favourite band. he goes, "wah.. i thought you listen to raihan!") uh. right. not that i feel insulted or anything, but being the small hearted person that i am it's a bitter pill to swallow. especially it isn't just one person but a substantial number who talk to me like i'm a rung lower than they are.
i hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, ABSOLUTELY HATE IT.
which is why i didn't really feel like going to the company party last night. but i did, and it was fine. everyone was nice. i had a rather decent time. hummmmmmm. i also had my first two recordings over at add audio last week, they were rather daunting at first but i'm glad some people were really helpful.
went over to laundry for the Junk Garage Video Workshop earlier. speaking of Junk, i am so freaking mad at this one writer who totally ripped off my review of the crossborders gig from the KLue blog, and rehashed it as her own and it got published in Issue #2. i don't care if people say imitation is the best form of flattery... that's just plagiarism! ughhhhh. i haven't told adlin... i don't know if i should. but i do want to tell him that if his contributors were just going to rip other people's articles and present them as their own, then I MIGHT AS WELL BLOODY WRITE for Junk. So there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. ok it's almost 2.15 and i am ranting like nobody's business. esok merengkot la nak bangun pagi gi keje. demit. another long week, and i haven't even been paid a single cent yet.
good night suckers.
Monday, December 11, 2006
6 weeks and counting
ok fine. 6 weeks and one measly post. it's not like i chose not to update, i haven't been able to. i've been plonked with a 10 year old ancient good-for-nothing imac which is incapable of running javascript. true, copywriters are considered the lower life forms (but i digress, the guys i sit in between both use G4s!)ugh.
i had tonnes to write before. now i'm just at lost for words. it's almost 11.45pm and i'm going through my first listen of Light Grenades. Brandon sounds electric, and Mike's guitar playing is mindblowing as always, but i'm not sure if i will like this album as much as i loved Morning View.
sigh.
will write more now that i am finally connected at home. no more solitary nights staring at the wall, disconnected from the world, deprived of a much needed idiot box.
more of that later. i need to lie down in bed (yes, i finally have a proper bed courtesy of the parental units' 5th visit to Ikea) and fully immerse myself in Incubus.
#re-edit
light grenades is totally different. different in a sense that every track stands on its own!
anyway. he called. as much as i promised myself that i wasn't going to take crap anymore, there i was, talking to him animatedly like nothing ever happened.
bloody hell! ok nak tido.
i miss my holga. and *SHOCKERS* i miss mmu.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)