winterim reading #un

http://voize.my/events/arts-culture/yasmin%E2%80%99s-reluctant-critic-%E2%80%93-a-tribute-by-mansor

Now this, this is a joke of a person.
I aspire never to become him.

winter blues #3

It's funny how the universe works.
It's bizarre how opportunity presents itself when you're hitting rock bottom.

I could be broke. I could be a complete failure at school. I could be terminally ill, or bed-ridden. There could be so many other things that I could be... but because I get to wake up every morning and feel fine, and am able to walk and run and live my life the way I want to, I could potentially... be happy. In so many other ways than not.

And for that, carpe diem, I say.

winter blues #2

Gosh, I need to fucking CHILL already.

winter blues #1

7AM/Sunday on the way to shoot a Sunday mass for this documentary I'm working on. After all the jebus overload I fell asleep during the sermon... what kind of doc shooter sleeps on the job?! The pastor wasn't pissed... he just said, "Bless you documentary people! May God Bless you!"

Amidst working 5 days last week, I managed to catch Avatar 3D and The Lovely Bones... can't say which one I liked better though. But I've been watching a lot of BTS: Avatar on youtube and I'm really liking this performance capture technology thing I'm seeing. It's uber cool. Even all the live action stuff was in 3D.. it was cool.

I've gotten so bloody boring, I know.
Can't wait for the year to be over though... I'm ready for a blank slate.




To you.

First, I'm sorry. I have been an ignorant, selfish person.
I just thought that maybe, your life would be easier, and you would be much happier if I slipped away..

I guess I was wrong.
Can we be friends again?

winter B/R/E/A/K

made a week and a half after my heart got broken. to bits and pieces. having a thing with film roll outs.

..

where is Brooke when I need her?
place a marble in one hand..


:(

lesson: numero uno

an avalanche of swirling thoughts.

place a marble in one hand, close your eyes and both your hands.
hold them tight, and concentrate on both at once - the one hand with, and the other without.

break the avalanche of swirling thoughts.
now, breathe.

and move on.

Woke up this morning feeling absolutely-

SHITTY.

And now I'm at work, shaking my leg while waiting digitizing sctuff AND watching one video after the next...





I mean, come on, how can you not absolutely love them?


It really, really, really sucks when you find good music and don't have anyone to share it with anymore.

:(

My current love.

THE XX.

Back from the dead.

Day 3 of No More Tears.
I had a wonderful weekend - Friday with friends, frozen yogurt by the ounce at St. Mark's, a trip to the village psychic (I'll save the story for another day..) Lazy Saturday and Sunday of nothingness... plus a weird phone call which has left the door open. Again.

But I'm not going to sit and wait.
I'm not.

On another note, to those of you in Malaysia, watch the new season of Blogger Boy on 8tv every Thursday at 9.30pm!!! I'm so excited... even if I do have this last script pending completion, and can't watch it from here... so you guys should watch it and tell me if I can write comedies for shits.. hohoho.

OVER and OUT.

It's the End.

It's done.

Thirty one months.
I've done everything within my capacity to love you.
But perhaps this was never meant to be.



I wish you well.

While I collect my thoughts and pick up pieces of myself, I shall be away.

Be good, lovers.

I wish..

I wish I could tell you what it felt like to be in a sea of 42 000 runners.
How another way you could join the marathon would be by running for charity... which is what a lot of people tend to do.
How cold it was this morning, but how happy people were that it was that cold because it was ideal weather.
How amazing the view is when you start off from Fort Wadsworth..
How this could... someday, be possible for you too.













I miss you so much :(

YOYO

A yo-yo of emotions, yes.
I don't know if I'm OK.
It's been 4 days and I've been shut off completely.

Really, do I really not mean anything more to you?

:(

I'm hoping my first paid videographer gig ($350 for a 7 hour job) at the ING NYC marathon will at least give me some distraction, or self fulfillment. Then I am going to buy that Marc for Marc Jacobs bag, and feel SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, BECAUSE I DESERVE THIS.

:)

Yes, I do believe in seeking strength from the Almighty.

When everything else seems to have fallen apart, new things in good forms appear..
Never underestimate the power of prayers, or doa...

I am a happy bunny today!!!
HAPPY.

This storm shall pass, I know it will. Slowly, but surely.

Thank you.

You've really, really hurt me.

Tears.

I really want to cry... and feel something.

But I can't seem to emote..

:(

Did you know that when you lay your head sideways in a bathtub, you hear rushing water against your ear. You can almost pretend that you have your eyes closed while the plane is preparing for take off.

And then you're back home, and everything's fine, just stick those band-aids on the broken bits and everything's back to normal and everything is fine again.

Then when the water suddenly starts rushing up and you realize your face is halfway submerged in water and if you don't wake up, don't get up, although you want to lie down in the bathtub and pretend that you're not here, halfway across the world but you're back home and you're near the one you really love and everything is okay you have to bring yourself up before water starts filling through your ears and sting your eyes and clog your nose and you can't breathe and then you rise you choke and then the truth of the reality hits you like a sharp plasma beam -

That this hurts so, so much.
And you can't do anything about it.

:(

I've had a really bad morning, a really bad week, a really bad MONTH.
I am so overwhelmed with work.

But here I am digging my own grave... I don't know why I keep on doing this. I don't know why I like to put the one thing that's going good for me in complete jeopardy. Sometimes I wonder why I even do the things I do... and say the things I say... I can be so, so thoughtless sometimes.

I HATE IT!
:(

What the fuck am I doing? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEEE?? Gosh I've been depressed before but it's going from bad to worse. From unloading my problems to my boss, my teacher, anyone... then I tell myself, well, I'll give myself time to unwind, I'll try to breathe, watch some mindless tv, sleep a lot.. and then still feel horrible after all that, that it makes me really, really angry. Then when I'm feeling down in the dumps I drag him along with me... bringing up things that don't make any sense, demanding that he be extra attentive and sensitive to my needs, and now when he's had enough and tells me he can't take it anymore, I'm the one on the losing end. Life is so unfair... why must it be so good at one point and be so horrible at another??? :(

I just want to cry and sleep and forget about everything.. and then there's all this other shit to do.. like, school and work and my body feeling like crap because I haven't exactly taken the time to take care of myself... It's like I already have all this shit to think about, and now it's eating up into my relationship, and it's so ridicuuloooouuuuuuuuuuuuuussss that he would think of something so harsh like breaking up.. I mean like... just two days ago we were perfectly happy and he says he loves me and can't wait for me to come back for good and sends me pictures of our cat and says things like he wishes I was home and now it's like, well, "I don't really love you so much right now because you're being ridiculous and don't make any sense.." WELL MAYBE I AM BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH... ? Through the good and bad times???

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBSSSSSSS
This fucking sucks. Tell me that a chemical imbalance in your body makes you say things like, "I hate you" or "I'm going to throw myself in front of a car and then I'll be dead and then you'll be happy"

:(

my weekend in a nutshell.

Hari Sabtu: main-main camera kat sekolah.
Malam Sabtu: first pegi tengok WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (where my Jap-Polish classmate, after walking around like proclaiming, "I'm an Asian THUG!" around Times Square got teary eyed... "I got daddy issues, ok!?" ) lepas tu main-main tangkap gambar dengan kawan-kawan kat party (my favorite Norwegian couple)
Hari Ahad: termenung depan komputer pasal takde idea lepas tu amek video kucing rumet



OMG why am I running out of ideas when I need them the most?!?
I've been so uninspired of late...

:(

BOOOO!!!!
OK while I'm on the subject.
I understand all the hype that's surrounding WTWTA - unfortunately I found myself being in and out of it at times. There's no narrative structure, but a lot of unknowingly real, touching emotional beats. Maybe if I had grown up reading the book the movie would have had a bigger impact on me. After all, it's an adult's children movie. HOWEVER, Max Record is an amazing kid actor! You know when you're a kid, and sometimes your older brother or sister or mom or dad kid around with you, and you're laughing until it gets too far then you realize you're crying because they've stepped over the line and you get really, really upset... or the times that you get really, really angry because of something (well I got angry once when I was younger for missing my favourite Jap tv show Mario Attack.. ) and you're not in a position of power where you can slap/hit/bite that person you're angry at, and you roar and rant and trash something (in my case a flower vase?) Well yeah. This movie will remind you just of those moments... but of course, the Wild Things were adorable and scary at the same time, and the ending quite a tearjerker... I must say...

Antichrist this Friday next!!!

I WISHHHHH..

DAMNIT!! I WISH I COULD WRITE LIKE THOSE WRITERS ON GREY'S... NOT JUST ON AUTO-PILOT OR FOR THE SAKE OF FRICKIN FINISHING SOMETHINGGGGGGGGGG

I JUST EMAILED EPISODE 24 AND GOOD LORD IT WAS AWFULLLLLLL WORST THAN THE LAST. I THINK I'LL GET FIRED SOON FOR A) BEING SO FRICKIN TARDY AND B) BEING SOOO FRICKIN UNTALENTED!!!!!