Now who would have thought...

That Melanie was fighting for her mother's freedom, a hostage held for 6 years by FARC, Colombia’s oldest, largest, most capable, and best-equipped Marxist insurgency... no wonder she never spoke of her mother, or the reasons why she was always missing class to go back to France on 'family matters'. And looking at footages of her on BBC and standing beside the French president, it's no surprise why she appears so calm and composed, and mature beyond her years.

Silly me thought she was just a nice French/Colombian girl who liked drawing comics in her tiny notebook.
This revelation makes all the things I worry about seem petty and absolutely meaningless.

ahhh.

Why all this interest in my 3 year old documentary when I've made this crossover to narrative film, and Adem to purely character animation?

But it's all good.. I hope this is a sign of more to come.

BLESS!
(I am tired of all this jetsetting I just want to pig out and watch dvds all day long)

falling apart, once again.

I found this while I was killing time this afternoon.

No, I didn't stay long to talk to Amir Muhammad, after the screening. Adem left earlier anyway, so it would have been awkward. Nevertheless, amidst the angry tears just an hour before it went on (because I was being a total brat about my boyfriend being late, and unable to tear himself from work to come fetch me from home) it was a great feeling, watching 'Tengah hari/Sepetang Bersama Awek Bertudung' (as Amir Muhammad dubs it, I don't recall exactly) play in Help Institute after I'd given up after sending tape, after tape, after tape there. 3 years was definitely worth the wait.

Now here I am, by myself trying to pick up pieces again. Why do I fall and break so easily when he leaves me at the door? I guess it's just that I've fallen into that comfortable spot again, knowing he is there within reach and is a physical, tangible presence rather than an offbeat, muffled voice at the other end of the line.

I wish I could be stronger with a faster recovery period.

Ugh, just shoot me for this overload of cheesiness.

5th unproductive week.

Urbanscapes was a total blast. I think I definitely managed to catch most of the acts/bands that I wanted. It didn't bother me that my puny film was shown on a tiny tube tv with uncomfortable cardboard box seats either. It was a hot, humid day, but lots of fun with really good company, and my lovely "today, I'm at your disposal" boyfriend.

I choose to be in this little bubble of happiness, rather than dwell on the fact that the political climate of the country is changing so rapidly as everyone gets ready to embrace the next great depression... as immature and ignorant I may come across as, I just need to believe there's still some hope, some goodness, and a tiny glint of brightness at the end of the line for me, for all of us, hence not wanting to thread unchartered territories beyond the borders of my rainbow filled, plastic bubble world...

Well if there isn't then the only salvation would be knowing that there will be much more in the afterlife, and God has made it so.

It makes me almost sad that the couples I've grown to know around me have broken up, and drifted apart. It's heart wrenching, although I'm sure they had absolutely logical reasons as to why they chose not to be with their (ex) significant others anymore... but. Well. Maybe it's just me and my ballooning optimism and idealistic theories when it comes to love. OR. Me wanting to know that what I have right now is mine to last, and hold for long.

My boyfriend hates me being corny, but he doesn't read my blog (out of choice), so here goes. This is an amazing, breathtakingly beautiful song and I can't believe I've never discovered it before.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia Furler -Breathe Me

Be good, people.

odd.

Week four at home, and there has still been absolutely no progress on my second year film script. I've been pampered with good food, good company, and lots of lots of oodling time. This week I am camping over at my tiny apartment. While it's fun being able to meet my friends and go around KL, it's really lonely in the mornings, afternoons, and nights when the boyfriend leaves me at the door to go home.

Sigh. Working people always need to sleep early.

Anyways. Joy joy! 'Cure to Catastrophe' is showing tomorrow at Filmmakers Anonymous 7 (thanks to Mien) and also Urbanscapes on Saturday.. (that one I don't really care much for, since it's going to be one of the many shorts played on loop...) Tonight 'Afternoon' was screened at Palate Pallate, and will be screened again on Saturday at FoodNotBombs KL, and another time in HELP (FINALLY!!!) next Monday night... curated by Amir Muhammad!!! Let's just hope my mommy lets me stay longer... Other than that, I drove to Finas this afternoon to submit my application for a RM20K short film fund. Not only did I get lost (so much for remembering KL roads by heart) but I also finished a quarter tank of very expensive petrol... but good thing is I saw elephants! And giraffes!!! So fun!!! The last time I went to the zoo was in 2003 to take pictures of elephant butts with Zalia...

It's hard being at this transition period. I've just realized how I always like complaining that I never have time to do things for myself when I'm uber busy, and now that I do have SO much time in my hands I get clueless and start idling away... sigh.

Had lunch with Jolyn yesterday and I dropped by the KLue office... mmm well I guess it'll never feel the same like the time I was there, because people (and desks) keep being moved and changed around, I mean, how can it possibly feel the same? It's not like I miss doing shit jobs like cutting paper, stuffing envelops, making phonecalls in the 'sparkly voice' (or so Hanna calls it) but ah, I do remember that one time the whole office was sniggering and laughing like idiots watching Kelvin the Intern from Hell doing his random break dancing moves with his ipod on...

Other than that I've had a lovely time of cakes with Ben, crepe cakes with Marie and Amri, 'candlelight' dinner with Chia Chyi and Kaili, and tomorrow, hanging out with more of my nearest and dearest from MMU days... so top it all off I've had a pretty sweet week so far, despite him falling sick just in time for it to end.. I hope he gets well soon because my boyfriend is not much fun when he's sniffling more than I am.

Ta-ra!

head dizzy..

when I put pieces together and realize what a small, small world it is.
small. ok?

Other than that, my brains have been bursting with boredom.. I have to remind myself time really flies and I should get up and moving!!
In my oodles and oodles of spare time spent on my beloved computer and cooped up in my room, I've just discovered what a cool tool garageband is!!
ALA I CANNOT FIGURE OUT CAMNE NAK LETAK an mp3 on blogger. So setupid. I made a Ratatouille version of Across the Universe!! Now I can't share it with the world, bodoh!!!

:(

On the plus side my boyfriend is back from Phuket, yayyy!!!

Ok tu je bai.

on the surface..

Of course everything seems hunky-dory. Being around him makes me the happiest, but at the back of my head that day still lingers, and I can still feel the searing pain. I think about it a lot, up to a point that I feel that although it's been a month, it seems almost impossible to forget.

:(


Seeing my friends I am reminded what I don't have anymore - a job. While other people are saving money, working for a future, thinking about getting property (and for many, finally getting hitched and setting up a home, and family) here I am on a long journey doing something on a whim and fancy. Not earning money but piling on debt, having the time of my life indulging in an interest which holds no certainty for financial stability... or even a future. Or maybe I just don't like being the odd one out.

Bleh (what a big WHINER I AM kan?!! bengong)

I am finally getting used to the weather, and sleeping regularly. Really that could have been the worst case of jetlag ever... but sadly my stomach still can't take super spicy food (my tongue was on fire when I had Nandos for dinner with Eida... on fire. And a bad tummy ache ensued the day after) because I've gone for so long without super spicy food. And my eyes have been allergic over god-knows-what. It's definitely not because of Gondry, because I haven't been been smothering in his fur or biting his paws since I came back last Tuesday. They've been terribly itchy and swollen. BLEARGH WHAT A GREAT WAY to spend your summer yah. Poofy eyes. Eh I mean puffy.

Other than that I have been very unproductive - been in hermitdom for at least two weeks now. Save for the weekend with the boyfriend and the unexpected shopping spree with Eida, I haven't really done anything. It's bad because I remember during winter break I got so used to not getting out of my bed, but instead pigged out, snuggled with Baby the Cat watching full seasons of The Hills, Laguna Beach, and Newport Habor (go figure) Life really sucked.

The fuel price increase is probably old news. Najib being PM is already almost stale. In other words Malaysia is not a very happy country to be in right now. It's too depressing. My plan of lying on the sand, dipping in the gorgeous gorgeous beach and diving in Perhentian with my nearest and dearest is the only thing that excites me right now (110% more fun than the family trip to Sydney next month.. but then again there is shopping and Supre...)

I miss you guys in New York... yeah you, you and you and you and you and you. I'm already sketching out deco details for my tiny box in Little Puerto Rico (thanks for the term Ummi, haaha) and missing kimchi, spicy squid udon in K-Town, iced coffee and PARFAIT!!! :(

Spread love.

6 days..

I miss him soooo much already!

home might just not be where the heart is.

Great, on my arrival in KLIA I nearly knocked down a lady with a trolley, was told off (humiliatingly) in front of a LOT of people, was embarrassed beyond imagination but somehow couldn't take that stupid grin off my face.

Because there he was, waiting for me.
And nothing else ever felt more than just... right.

Seems like nothing much has changed, and it's almost hard to believe that I've been gone for almost a year.
But walking through the crowd I felt something unknowingly missing and terribly sad - that I've outgrown this place and its people, that I honestly don't see myself moving forward in this bubble, and that I, admittedly, really actually miss New York.


Ah. Life and it's eccentricities.

of random updates.

It's beyond my comprehension, how the wheel spins. Just when you think everything in life is sort of falling into place, just when you let yourself bask in absolute certainty and happiness - that's when things start to fall apart, and life just bitch slaps you right in the face...

.
I guess I got overexcited over the fact that I'm moving in with friends, but the lack of communication has somewhat left me sounding like a fussy prick... :(
Right now I'm crashing over at Kat and Shue's place, and it's not the best feeling in the world having to menyusahkan orang like this... like a nomad, like I don't really have a place to call my own...

:(
But moving on.

Today, I guarded a church for 13 hours straight. I wasn't even allowed to go to crafty for any coffee breaks, or even be on set, which was altogether depressing... and kind of sad, really. It is no fun wallowing in self pity and bitching about being treated like an idiotic, moronic intern who can't handle lock-ups OR using a walkie properly. But I managed to do a lot of thinking. Practiced a whole lot of conversations and played out tonnes of scenarios with different people (in my head) to keep myself amused.

And vowed to myself that I would take control of my current situation.
Sink, or swim.
Do, or die.

I feel like weights have been lifted off my back. I managed to spurt out that I wasn't happy being off set and cooped up in the church, and that I'd wanted to be as close to the camera as possible, because this hasn't exactly been a wholesome learning experience. And it's not like I'm an unqualified undergrad who's not capable of doing things (I mean, sure, they gave me a walkie and excluded the other interns, but do I really need to be told off ON walkie that I had been misusing 'yes' and 'copy that'? Sheesh) Four more days and I'll be happy to be done with being depressed and miserable all 15 hours of my summer days...

Boring stuff, I know. I just felt like the need to write that at least, amidst what's crumbling apart around me -
I can still manage to salvage something (strength, maybe?) out of this emotional carnage...

unloading emotions.

Been keeping myself preoccupied, after calling in sick for work yesterday I turned up on set today. It was slow but nevertheless really quick, and the New York weather was kind... for once. It's turning out a lot better than I expected. I love the crew, and despite having to do really crappy, random shit like stopping human traffic (in which I almost stopped Uma from coming into her own set *slaps forehead*) everything else has been almost... fun.

I'm slowly picking myself up... although my heart still hurts, and that empty, nauseous feeling still lingers at the pit of my stomach. And it doesn't help that by being here, I am utterly helpless.

If only I could see his eyes.

:(

I just want to be ready.
I just want to be ready.

But I do know, that if and when I do fall
There will be more than just a pair of hands catching me

And for that I only have God to thank for.

in constant need of..

companions. people to talk to.
I have been on the phone with my mother more than three times since yesterday. I called my brother. Daniel. Ummi. Anyone who's willing to let my cry, let me drown and wallow at this time of doubt.

One minute to myself and I start remembering little things. the familiar smell after a fresh shower. the rough feel of his crew cut hair. the scrunched up nose in mockery. big, round eyes.

too many. too many things.
suck it all in.
suck it all in.

Sayang, I love you... so, so much that sometimes it hurts.


but these walls are closing in on me
and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

...

Dear God,
Please let me be strong.
Let me be strong.

Please let me strong.
Because right now I am falling apart, and I can't gather myself together.

Let me be strong.
Ya Allah please let me be strong.

:(

officially..

knackered.

For the past week, I have been so super busy trying to get last minute assignments done, DVDs burned and tapes printed out, looking for apartments and being an unpaid PA on the set of Uma Thurman's new film. Now I know that:

1) She likes to knit
2) Child actors are divas in the making
3) A PA job is probably the lowest on the rung (and crappiest to boot)
4) A 'professional' shoot can be just AS unorganized as student film shoots
5) On film sets, there's a lot of waiting around.. and not just for actors.

Other than that, I'll be homeless by next Friday.
Yay me!

*ROLLS EYES*

I can't..

fucking believe you!
orang dah bagi chance and all and you whine and complain and bitch!

I have been reduced to a kuli-herding-cows, err.. extras, and you get to touch a fucking 35mm camera and witness magic happen, and still you roll your eyes like you deserve better.

UNGRATEFUL.
UNGRATEFULLLLLLL!! TAU TAK!!! UNGRATEFUL AMERICANS!!!

EEEEEE BENCI!!!!!

///Re-Edit.
I'm so mad that I need to rant like there'll be no tomorrow. I mean seriously. If I were you I'd be willing to skip screenings and shit to be anywhere near the camera. And here you go about complaining about your film which is already gorgeous as hell.

GRR.
Satu lagi, I hate the way YOU put my hopes up, and then just turn your back and say, well, maybe I'll just take it back. It's horrible, ok - you know tak buruk siku? BURUK SIKU SIAL! Bodoh!! And the way you think next year you're the only one making a film?! What about ME. WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!! And if your script is so fucking great no need to repeat it like a broken record la bodo. If it is great then the work will speak for itself, faham?

So, SHUT THE MOFO UP!!!

OK dah bai.

:(

I showed my first rough assembly in editing class just now. I absolutely hate showing my work in class, because it's almost like hanging your dirty laundry out for everyone to see..

AGHHH BENCI OK. Especially when everyone sorts of have mixed reactions like, "Why are we watching this again?"

:(

:(

*SOB*

On one hand I can't wait to go home to go scuba diving (fingers crossed) and just lay on the beach to read, pig out at home, smother and bite Gondry and just do whatever, but on the other hand (if everything goes well, fingers also crossed) I can't wait to be crewing on this! I want my name on imdb already!!

Last Saturday was a blast!! I had my nearest and dearest over for tonnes of food, ice cream, pie (I didn't even take out my chocolate bread pudding because tak jadi.. sobs) and it was really fun, although getting up to go to Christina's (this undergrad I work with at the digital library) shoot was absolute hell, and what an impression I must've given her falling asleep between takes..

Hmm Gossip Girl is getting better, surprisingly!!

Unmixed, unrefined, unfinished, incomplete!

My boyfriend says it's very James Lee. James Lee!?!?!
JAMES-I'LL-MAKE-A-10-MIN-LONG shot LEE?!!?



I don't even like James Lee. I fell asleep mid-way through his whatzis-called Washing Machine film a few years back.
SOB.

Missing..

my baby Gondry.
him.
home.
friends.
udang masak lemak cili padi.

49 more days, and I cannot wait!
Production period just ended, so now it's back to running in between classes, work, and finding time to edit my film. After the shoot last night, everyone in my crew pretty much got smashed. I don't necessarily enjoy sessions of drunken stupors, because it's really awkward being in a company of people you know not acting like themselves - but I'm pretty much just glad that we were DONE with production. The musical maestro's shoot had my brains simmering and boiling up to the point where I had to make up confrontations and conversations (with strangling, smacking and lots of bitch slapping) so that I'd feel... less angry.

I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why are the most educated people so FUCKING socially inept?
GRRR.
Anyway.

As glad as I am that production period is over, it is kind of sad, too, in a way. But I am definitely looking forward to going home although there's a gazillion of things to think about.. like looking for a new apartment, sublets, EDITING my film (which I'm not looking forward to.. because as satisfied as I was during my shoot, I went to watch my dailies and just sort of... fell out of love with all my so-called cool shots. NOT PRETTY) and so much more.

This entry is getting really boring. Oklah bai.

Do us all a favour.

Take your gargantuan amount of self indulgence, 'experimental' music, lack of social grace and Yale degree, and shove everything up your ass.

Please.

Exhausted..

But extremely content.
Coming soon! :)