Random ranting.

I miss him :(

I want to..

Write about my new Brooklyn shoebox,
jetlag,
my yet-to-be-written script,
Psyang my fourth housemate a.k.a the kitty who likes to sleep on keyboards,
and how malas I feel about starting school next week.

But mmm. Maybe tomorrow.

Because I needed to get this off my chest... (Susuk Review)

Nah, ni poster lama because I am lazy to look for the updated one.
Usually I won't really bother reviewing films that I've watched, because :
1) I am very, very biased and most of the times, beautiful cinematography clouds my judgments.
2) I am scared that I won't do these films much justice.

*SHEEPISHLY* I am a total fangirl when it comes to Amir Muhammad. He is almost 50% the reason why I'm even in film school all the way in New York, when I could have just been content with my copywriting job back in KL slaving away to become the next uh, Yasmin.. (pergh, KONON je ni, and that's a different story for another rainy day) But anyways. I remember reading Perforated Sheets in NST way back in 1999, writing him fan mail (about my silly ambition of writing a novel at 16) and following his progress into digital filmmaking (he did pioneer the method in Malaysia) asking question after question over teh o ais in Tupai Tupai (back in 2006, and for that I have Boyak to thank forever), listening intently over his talks about the infamous banned documentaries in Help (sampai sekarang tak dapat tengok lagi) and him recognizing me (the stalker girl) when I tagged along Brian (Yap) to watch that badly pixelated movie S'Kali (great attempt, but people should never be allowed to blow up video and pretend it'll look fine on a 35mm projector.. and never, never should Seven Collar T-Shirt's Faith ever be used so irrelevantly... such a crying SHAME I TELL YOU)

That is why, despite the boyfriend warning me again and again NOT to watch Susuk (since he'd been forced into working on some of the foley bits of it) I just HAD to go and see it for myself (after all, I've waited in extreme anticipation for almost two years for its release)

Susuk opens with an interesting dual-premise:
1) Suraya, a trainee nurse who is bored with her mundane, routine life wants to become a super star.
2) Suzana, a superstar will stop at nothing to stay on top (literally, too)

Because I'm too sleepy to actually write the entire synopsis, lets just say the whole film (clocking almost 2 hours) follows the stories of the two characters as each of them tries to fulfill their superficial desires - and are connected through the use of susuk. As Suraya rises to fame and goes through a metamorphosis (from a naive, wide-eyed, straight haired gullible trainee nurse to a Perempuan KL Rambut Karat), Suzana goes all crazy and hellbent on keeping her superstardomness by doing what Dukun Dewangga (Adlin Aman Ramlie, uncannily funny and eerily cryptic) tells her to (thus, turning into a black glove clad, long french manicured nailed whatever demon with a craving for human hearts, especially those of divas, pimps, prostitutes, and unsuspecting reality tv stars) Throughout the film we're fed with very random scenes (with annoying transitions from scene to scene, very much like Ugly Betty the tv series) The ending ties confusing bits and pieces together - albeit very, very loosely, turning Susuk into a decent watch, although until this moment I can't really say whether I loved it, or hated it.

*spoilers ahead* (not that anyone cares anyway, hah!)

Maybe I'm anti-progressive when it comes to plot structure and timelines (having been religiously abiding Syd Field's 3 act narrative structure... because it's the easiest and quickest way to finish a script when the time calls for it!) but I enjoyed Gaspar Noé's Irreversible and M.Night Shyamalan's Sixth Sense (which, very much like Susuk,both open with the ending as the beginning, and the beginning as the ending) Susuk's muddled timeline was just tooo mind-boggling. Perhaps a lot was left in the cutting room floor that could have filled in the monstrous, riddling gaps. First, if Suzana was a transformation of Suraya, why on earth did Mastura (Suraya's housemate) tell Suraya (when asked if she wanted to follow her to the Mona/Rozana concert) that she had an interview to attend (in which she was hired as the personal assistant to Suzana) Unless, it was intended as a story within a story - as Suzana's story is told through Suraya, Suraya is Suzana's final clueless victim in her quest to complete the Susuk Keramat process... making it seem like Suraya, in the story, could have been another trainee nurse wanting to become a superstar.

Errr... ok, I'm totally confusing myself.

Another question would be, why the addition subplot of Suraya's sister and her abusive brother in law (Hairy-has-been-Othman)? I tell myself, although this didn't add much weight to the story, it was maybe necessary for Suraya's character to build her trust in Dukun Dewangga since he'd come to her rescue and save the day whenever Hairy-has-been-Othman threatened her, her housemates, her sister, niece and nephew. *PHEW* that was long. And I didn't even understand why Dukun Dewangga hooked up with a prostitute (at first I thought because they wanted to show that even a bomoh gets tired with his right hand after a while) until I read in some reviews online that he took the prostitute's appearance for Suraya's sort of reincarnation.

Despite the jumbled timeline, I understand if Amir Muhammad and Naeim Ghalili made this film with no intention of its audience taking it seriously. It's supposed to be an homage of sorts (to many, many films I've yet to watch, because embarrassingly, I have a very small film vocabulary for someone studying to become a filmmaker.. malu siot) with many satirical pokes at the current situation of the country (its power struggles, bedroom drama, hypocrisy and god-knows what else) but but but..

Whatever happened to just good storytelling?

Hmm.

That was long winded, and I'm not sure if I made much sense, but as I write this I'm still trying to figure the movie out. I guess that's what I hate the most about it - it's keeping me up at night, diligently searching for reviews and interviews so that the story becomes more crystal clear (because I hate feeling like a doofus whenever I don't understand movies)

Geram betul.

2 more days!

Honestly, I've had an amazing (unproductive) two months and a half of absolute nothingness.
Bliss.

And to think that it's all coming to an end in exactly two days just breaks my heart.
But then again, I don't think I can live like this forever.

This blog needs a revamp! And I've so many things to write about. But right now because procrastinating is my middle name, those will have to wait while I frantically back up my lifeline (my mbp yang dah pernah terjatuh from beg laptop murahan Target, monitor termasuk air, charger meletup dan sebagainya.. thank god this apple is hardy)

:(

Get well soon, please.

Graveyards and dance-offs.

Last weekend has got to be one of the best ones I've had so far this whole summer, ever. He finally came, and so did Marie (on a spontaneous combustion) and we did the whole shebang of random touristy stuff... like walking along Queensbay's stretch of very dirty, rubbish stench beach strip at 7am, visiting the grave of Francis Light, eating Mee CRC (totally random and tak sedap!) and the 'infamous' Penang Road chendol (the one from section 17 tastes wayyy better), hanging out in his big hotel room in the dodgy sort of red light district part of the island and having 'drunken' dance-offs with ringtones from his and Marie's cellphones... overall it was really, really fun and I'm so glad they came all the way from KL to spend the weekend with me. Of course it was really sad when they left but I guess all good things must come to and end.. (like my summer here.. where, where in the world did 8 weeks of my life go to??)

I can't seem to find my camera anywhere and I took loads of underexposed shots on my SLR, so those pictures would need to be scanned.. well later lah when I'm rajin. I haven't even packed for Sydney and we're leaving at 7-ish pm tomorrow... la di da.. yes my 22 year old brother is getting married this Thursday... and in a whirlwind of events, my puny older brother is also planning to jump on the bandwagon soon...


Anyway, I don't need to be told again and again about...some random fact. It makes my stomach churn, thinking about consequences of the rushed decisions I had to make before... like why didn't you tell me earlier so I could have made better arrangements for myself? I don't know how you want me to react or respond, am I supposed to be sad? Overjoyed? Hopeful? What? If that is the case then stop repeating yourself. Because I get it already.

On a totally different note, I felt really god-awful thinking of all the mean things I've said, and the nit-picking on itsy bitsy things that hardly even matter... because I'm being put up as a beneficiary for (the insurance of) a particular person who is very near, and dear to me.. and I know it's not really a big deal or whatever because I could just be a name to fill up a blank but coming from this person it means a whole lot. It made me almost want to cry, and count my every blessing that our paths crossed. Mistakes may have been made, and certain error in judgements may have been terrifyingly hurtful and heartbreaking, but this makes it up in every way possible.

Thank you.

le grave tigre

Boring, random updates..
We went to the zoo last Saturday, just for kicks.. the trip was to compensate not taking the train to Singapore to catch SATC (pffft, how can the zoo ever compare? Sheesh) This tiger looked so sad, it kept swimming closer and closer to us, peering with its big (scary) eyes. Honestly Zoo Negara hasn't changed one bit since like, gazillion years ago. The animals look so very depressed, and we covered the entire area in less than two hours... with a minor interruption by a phonecall from his ex (hello, tolong kacau orang lain, can or not?), it was otherwise, fun trying to break the mundane weekend routine of going to 1-U to eat, tengok movie, balik tido...

Other than that, I had to present my short film idea at the Finas board meeting (twisting my tongue trying to pitch in comprehensive bahasa) and finally I have my money woes at bay now, they're going to give me an obscene amount of money to make my second year film, so joy to me! Now that's settled, I'll just have to start, uh, writing my script... with money being plugged, the pressure just keeps on mounting...
AAAARGH.

So on Sunday I woke up at 5.30am to follow him to one of his many runs at Dataran Merdeka, and when we came back we bathed a very annoyed cat, much to his chagrin. At least now he smells nice, his ears and paws clean... of course he STILL chose to poop NEXT to his litter box instead of in it. What vengeful creatures... but yesterday while buying the sand for the litter box I totally fell in love with this little kitty who kept miowing from its little cage, wanting to be scooped out and be smothered with hugs.. oh well. When I come back for good I'm going to get another cat, so Gondry won't be so spoilt rotten (like he is now, makan sendiri also donwan) Later we met up with Marie, Daniel for dinner at Uptown and then Sunway for random lepaking..

FIVE MORE WEEKS je more duduk rumah lagi!!! So sad thinking about how MUCH work I've managed to accomplish.. tsk. Damn depressing. Oh well.
Next week is 5 days in Sydney and my mission is to find CHEAP, WATER PROOF, NICE boots. And when I get back to New York I'm going to throw those 14 dollar good for nothing pair in the bin for good.

Other than that, nothing much has happened.. I hope to catch Toe next month, they're almost as great as EITS (which I missed) and TWKUA is opening for them, so that's good I guess...

Tomorrow is meeting with the dean from UiTM... don't know how that will go, I just hope I'll find the place on time..
OK rambling nonsensical, I better cut this short while I can.

Now who would have thought...

That Melanie was fighting for her mother's freedom, a hostage held for 6 years by FARC, Colombia’s oldest, largest, most capable, and best-equipped Marxist insurgency... no wonder she never spoke of her mother, or the reasons why she was always missing class to go back to France on 'family matters'. And looking at footages of her on BBC and standing beside the French president, it's no surprise why she appears so calm and composed, and mature beyond her years.

Silly me thought she was just a nice French/Colombian girl who liked drawing comics in her tiny notebook.
This revelation makes all the things I worry about seem petty and absolutely meaningless.

ahhh.

Why all this interest in my 3 year old documentary when I've made this crossover to narrative film, and Adem to purely character animation?

But it's all good.. I hope this is a sign of more to come.

BLESS!
(I am tired of all this jetsetting I just want to pig out and watch dvds all day long)

falling apart, once again.

I found this while I was killing time this afternoon.

No, I didn't stay long to talk to Amir Muhammad, after the screening. Adem left earlier anyway, so it would have been awkward. Nevertheless, amidst the angry tears just an hour before it went on (because I was being a total brat about my boyfriend being late, and unable to tear himself from work to come fetch me from home) it was a great feeling, watching 'Tengah hari/Sepetang Bersama Awek Bertudung' (as Amir Muhammad dubs it, I don't recall exactly) play in Help Institute after I'd given up after sending tape, after tape, after tape there. 3 years was definitely worth the wait.

Now here I am, by myself trying to pick up pieces again. Why do I fall and break so easily when he leaves me at the door? I guess it's just that I've fallen into that comfortable spot again, knowing he is there within reach and is a physical, tangible presence rather than an offbeat, muffled voice at the other end of the line.

I wish I could be stronger with a faster recovery period.

Ugh, just shoot me for this overload of cheesiness.

5th unproductive week.

Urbanscapes was a total blast. I think I definitely managed to catch most of the acts/bands that I wanted. It didn't bother me that my puny film was shown on a tiny tube tv with uncomfortable cardboard box seats either. It was a hot, humid day, but lots of fun with really good company, and my lovely "today, I'm at your disposal" boyfriend.

I choose to be in this little bubble of happiness, rather than dwell on the fact that the political climate of the country is changing so rapidly as everyone gets ready to embrace the next great depression... as immature and ignorant I may come across as, I just need to believe there's still some hope, some goodness, and a tiny glint of brightness at the end of the line for me, for all of us, hence not wanting to thread unchartered territories beyond the borders of my rainbow filled, plastic bubble world...

Well if there isn't then the only salvation would be knowing that there will be much more in the afterlife, and God has made it so.

It makes me almost sad that the couples I've grown to know around me have broken up, and drifted apart. It's heart wrenching, although I'm sure they had absolutely logical reasons as to why they chose not to be with their (ex) significant others anymore... but. Well. Maybe it's just me and my ballooning optimism and idealistic theories when it comes to love. OR. Me wanting to know that what I have right now is mine to last, and hold for long.

My boyfriend hates me being corny, but he doesn't read my blog (out of choice), so here goes. This is an amazing, breathtakingly beautiful song and I can't believe I've never discovered it before.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia Furler -Breathe Me

Be good, people.

odd.

Week four at home, and there has still been absolutely no progress on my second year film script. I've been pampered with good food, good company, and lots of lots of oodling time. This week I am camping over at my tiny apartment. While it's fun being able to meet my friends and go around KL, it's really lonely in the mornings, afternoons, and nights when the boyfriend leaves me at the door to go home.

Sigh. Working people always need to sleep early.

Anyways. Joy joy! 'Cure to Catastrophe' is showing tomorrow at Filmmakers Anonymous 7 (thanks to Mien) and also Urbanscapes on Saturday.. (that one I don't really care much for, since it's going to be one of the many shorts played on loop...) Tonight 'Afternoon' was screened at Palate Pallate, and will be screened again on Saturday at FoodNotBombs KL, and another time in HELP (FINALLY!!!) next Monday night... curated by Amir Muhammad!!! Let's just hope my mommy lets me stay longer... Other than that, I drove to Finas this afternoon to submit my application for a RM20K short film fund. Not only did I get lost (so much for remembering KL roads by heart) but I also finished a quarter tank of very expensive petrol... but good thing is I saw elephants! And giraffes!!! So fun!!! The last time I went to the zoo was in 2003 to take pictures of elephant butts with Zalia...

It's hard being at this transition period. I've just realized how I always like complaining that I never have time to do things for myself when I'm uber busy, and now that I do have SO much time in my hands I get clueless and start idling away... sigh.

Had lunch with Jolyn yesterday and I dropped by the KLue office... mmm well I guess it'll never feel the same like the time I was there, because people (and desks) keep being moved and changed around, I mean, how can it possibly feel the same? It's not like I miss doing shit jobs like cutting paper, stuffing envelops, making phonecalls in the 'sparkly voice' (or so Hanna calls it) but ah, I do remember that one time the whole office was sniggering and laughing like idiots watching Kelvin the Intern from Hell doing his random break dancing moves with his ipod on...

Other than that I've had a lovely time of cakes with Ben, crepe cakes with Marie and Amri, 'candlelight' dinner with Chia Chyi and Kaili, and tomorrow, hanging out with more of my nearest and dearest from MMU days... so top it all off I've had a pretty sweet week so far, despite him falling sick just in time for it to end.. I hope he gets well soon because my boyfriend is not much fun when he's sniffling more than I am.

Ta-ra!

head dizzy..

when I put pieces together and realize what a small, small world it is.
small. ok?

Other than that, my brains have been bursting with boredom.. I have to remind myself time really flies and I should get up and moving!!
In my oodles and oodles of spare time spent on my beloved computer and cooped up in my room, I've just discovered what a cool tool garageband is!!
ALA I CANNOT FIGURE OUT CAMNE NAK LETAK an mp3 on blogger. So setupid. I made a Ratatouille version of Across the Universe!! Now I can't share it with the world, bodoh!!!

:(

On the plus side my boyfriend is back from Phuket, yayyy!!!

Ok tu je bai.

on the surface..

Of course everything seems hunky-dory. Being around him makes me the happiest, but at the back of my head that day still lingers, and I can still feel the searing pain. I think about it a lot, up to a point that I feel that although it's been a month, it seems almost impossible to forget.

:(


Seeing my friends I am reminded what I don't have anymore - a job. While other people are saving money, working for a future, thinking about getting property (and for many, finally getting hitched and setting up a home, and family) here I am on a long journey doing something on a whim and fancy. Not earning money but piling on debt, having the time of my life indulging in an interest which holds no certainty for financial stability... or even a future. Or maybe I just don't like being the odd one out.

Bleh (what a big WHINER I AM kan?!! bengong)

I am finally getting used to the weather, and sleeping regularly. Really that could have been the worst case of jetlag ever... but sadly my stomach still can't take super spicy food (my tongue was on fire when I had Nandos for dinner with Eida... on fire. And a bad tummy ache ensued the day after) because I've gone for so long without super spicy food. And my eyes have been allergic over god-knows-what. It's definitely not because of Gondry, because I haven't been been smothering in his fur or biting his paws since I came back last Tuesday. They've been terribly itchy and swollen. BLEARGH WHAT A GREAT WAY to spend your summer yah. Poofy eyes. Eh I mean puffy.

Other than that I have been very unproductive - been in hermitdom for at least two weeks now. Save for the weekend with the boyfriend and the unexpected shopping spree with Eida, I haven't really done anything. It's bad because I remember during winter break I got so used to not getting out of my bed, but instead pigged out, snuggled with Baby the Cat watching full seasons of The Hills, Laguna Beach, and Newport Habor (go figure) Life really sucked.

The fuel price increase is probably old news. Najib being PM is already almost stale. In other words Malaysia is not a very happy country to be in right now. It's too depressing. My plan of lying on the sand, dipping in the gorgeous gorgeous beach and diving in Perhentian with my nearest and dearest is the only thing that excites me right now (110% more fun than the family trip to Sydney next month.. but then again there is shopping and Supre...)

I miss you guys in New York... yeah you, you and you and you and you and you. I'm already sketching out deco details for my tiny box in Little Puerto Rico (thanks for the term Ummi, haaha) and missing kimchi, spicy squid udon in K-Town, iced coffee and PARFAIT!!! :(

Spread love.

6 days..

I miss him soooo much already!

home might just not be where the heart is.

Great, on my arrival in KLIA I nearly knocked down a lady with a trolley, was told off (humiliatingly) in front of a LOT of people, was embarrassed beyond imagination but somehow couldn't take that stupid grin off my face.

Because there he was, waiting for me.
And nothing else ever felt more than just... right.

Seems like nothing much has changed, and it's almost hard to believe that I've been gone for almost a year.
But walking through the crowd I felt something unknowingly missing and terribly sad - that I've outgrown this place and its people, that I honestly don't see myself moving forward in this bubble, and that I, admittedly, really actually miss New York.


Ah. Life and it's eccentricities.

of random updates.

It's beyond my comprehension, how the wheel spins. Just when you think everything in life is sort of falling into place, just when you let yourself bask in absolute certainty and happiness - that's when things start to fall apart, and life just bitch slaps you right in the face...

.
I guess I got overexcited over the fact that I'm moving in with friends, but the lack of communication has somewhat left me sounding like a fussy prick... :(
Right now I'm crashing over at Kat and Shue's place, and it's not the best feeling in the world having to menyusahkan orang like this... like a nomad, like I don't really have a place to call my own...

:(
But moving on.

Today, I guarded a church for 13 hours straight. I wasn't even allowed to go to crafty for any coffee breaks, or even be on set, which was altogether depressing... and kind of sad, really. It is no fun wallowing in self pity and bitching about being treated like an idiotic, moronic intern who can't handle lock-ups OR using a walkie properly. But I managed to do a lot of thinking. Practiced a whole lot of conversations and played out tonnes of scenarios with different people (in my head) to keep myself amused.

And vowed to myself that I would take control of my current situation.
Sink, or swim.
Do, or die.

I feel like weights have been lifted off my back. I managed to spurt out that I wasn't happy being off set and cooped up in the church, and that I'd wanted to be as close to the camera as possible, because this hasn't exactly been a wholesome learning experience. And it's not like I'm an unqualified undergrad who's not capable of doing things (I mean, sure, they gave me a walkie and excluded the other interns, but do I really need to be told off ON walkie that I had been misusing 'yes' and 'copy that'? Sheesh) Four more days and I'll be happy to be done with being depressed and miserable all 15 hours of my summer days...

Boring stuff, I know. I just felt like the need to write that at least, amidst what's crumbling apart around me -
I can still manage to salvage something (strength, maybe?) out of this emotional carnage...

unloading emotions.

Been keeping myself preoccupied, after calling in sick for work yesterday I turned up on set today. It was slow but nevertheless really quick, and the New York weather was kind... for once. It's turning out a lot better than I expected. I love the crew, and despite having to do really crappy, random shit like stopping human traffic (in which I almost stopped Uma from coming into her own set *slaps forehead*) everything else has been almost... fun.

I'm slowly picking myself up... although my heart still hurts, and that empty, nauseous feeling still lingers at the pit of my stomach. And it doesn't help that by being here, I am utterly helpless.

If only I could see his eyes.

:(

I just want to be ready.
I just want to be ready.

But I do know, that if and when I do fall
There will be more than just a pair of hands catching me

And for that I only have God to thank for.

in constant need of..

companions. people to talk to.
I have been on the phone with my mother more than three times since yesterday. I called my brother. Daniel. Ummi. Anyone who's willing to let my cry, let me drown and wallow at this time of doubt.

One minute to myself and I start remembering little things. the familiar smell after a fresh shower. the rough feel of his crew cut hair. the scrunched up nose in mockery. big, round eyes.

too many. too many things.
suck it all in.
suck it all in.

Sayang, I love you... so, so much that sometimes it hurts.


but these walls are closing in on me
and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

...

Dear God,
Please let me be strong.
Let me be strong.

Please let me strong.
Because right now I am falling apart, and I can't gather myself together.

Let me be strong.
Ya Allah please let me be strong.

:(