I love...

Distracting myself from work that should be done, and done immediately.

//
It's been a tiring day, but a better one than yesterday. The 3-hour shouting match across continents last night has left me feeling weary, and hateful of my ignorant self. I must learn not to be so overly complex in character - up to the point that I hurt the one I care about the most, by hurling countless accusations on the basis of nothing just to feel better about myself. It's terrifying, how emotionally dependent I have become towards him - but it's even more terrifying actually, realizing what a heartless person I have turned into.

But enough of wallowing in self-pity - of wasting time analyzing bygones.
The trick is to move on, and hope that in time, maturity will set its foot and things will better in the future.

//
"But what if there isn't another month, or another year?"
"Why talk about death, when you can talk about life? Why waste time in talking in the uncertain, in things that we have no control of?"

//
Eventhough there's like a gazillion of actors in New York, only a handful are really talented, and capable of bringing your characters to life. If there is a more tiring/stressful part in filmmaking, it would be casting. My classmates go through rounds and rounds of auditions just to meet the perfect actors. I don't think I've ever been that ambitious.. mainly because I was lazy (I guess that's the Melayu in me...) But with this script where the stakes are higher - I've been tirelessly searching for good actors.

My first round was a complete disaster - none of them even looked the part, or were even close to the age. It's funny how all these people have their headshots photoshopped to death, and when you see them in person they look nothing like their pictures! But today was better. And I'm liking one actress a lot... but I'm not too sure. I haven't found my Kurt yet (he's the hipster boy in my script). I only met two actors... and one of them is just too super cute but completely inexperienced, and one of them is a Tisch undergrad in the drama department who's not so pretty looking... ergh. I don't know what I should do!!!
Sigh.

I. hate. casting.

//
"Well here's what I imagined when I talk to JFranc*... I would be in the elevator, and he would ask me, 'you're a second year, right?' and I would say, 'yes..' and he'd go, 'where are you from?' and i'd answer, 'Malaysia.. do you know where that is?' "
And then she says,
"For me, he'd come up to me, asking, 'you're Chloe, right?' and I'd go, 'And.. you're James?'"
so
//
so silly.

*nama samaran
The cat is curled up on my bed, and thank goodness she is here. We fall asleep together in the dark. In these cold, wintery nights, her steady breathing and soft grey/blue furcoat against my cheek are my only sources of comfort.

Hmm...

I think it's the weirdest feeling ever, reading a blog of someone who's just passed away.


//
To you.

I do not wish to know you anymore.

Saya sedang mengalami...

depressi yang hebat sampai pening.

La la la

First, I'm severely depressed over my ever evolving script.
I feel that every time I see Mick (my writing teacher) it becomes a story so different from the one I want to tell.

Second, things are getting pretty intense, with classes done and over with, and everyone finally shifting into production mode. And thanks to my over-zealousness of wanting to DP two films, I'll be missing We Are Scientists/Smashing Pumpkins/Coldplay *sigh*

Third, it'll only cost me 1/8th of my budget to fly my boyfriend here to work on my set as the sound mixer. Since no one's filled that position on my crew, and now that I have some extra money for not shooting 16mm (sobs)... I'm really tempted.

Fourth, I'm sorry I've been so out of touch with everyone, I seem to be updating my FB status frequently but not writing back on your walls. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, but I do want everyone to know that I have ALL of you very near at heart (cewah perasan gile kan hihihi but I DO MISS YOU GUYS. LOTS!! sini takde sape nak temankan pegi gigs. or tengok b-grade horror films. dah la tak dapat tengok KAMI. Eida weih takdak pun kat youtube :( )

Fifth, at this moment I'm keeping myself happy by entertaining a certain thought. Of a nice one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment, making enough money to buy my own happy place back home, and of course, having my better half here with me. Just a thought, but a pleasant one. Especially when he's into talking about the possibilities of our GMP. Which we ditched when we had an almost break-up last May. Bbbbuttt.. I think I should know better than to hope against hope and then get disappointed.

Sixth, I am hating the changing weather, but surprisingly, it's not bothering me as much as it did last year. It just means no more early morning showers.

Seventh, I absolutely loved Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It's super cheesy but it's made by NYU Grad Film Alum Peter Sollett on a USD9m budget and is making USD26m and counting... and he was supposed to be my writing teacher last two semesters, too. But he had to go make this movie which is making millions. Of course it took him 6 years to get to that point.

Eighth, I found another bubble tea place with superscrumptious almond flavoured milk tea. It's along St Mark's and Jay thought I could use a little perk me up so he brought me there and bought me bubble tea.

Ninth, on the way back from St Mark's after bubble tea and Chipotle I bumped into Agyness Deyn. She's definitely not that super hot, she looks almost average. Poor skin, and super fake peroxide blond hair.

Tenth, I'm tired and I want to watch Grey's Anatomy. Did anyone watch Ampang Medikal on youtube? Sampai nak copy cat the theme song!! And then I read something about a Heroes rip-off, too. Why la why?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? GAH.

Eleventh, Elina from ANTM is starting to irk me.

I can't think of a twelfth so I'm going to leave it to that. Have a nice week, people. And be GOOD!!!
XOXO (cam gossip girl plak)

OKbai.

Dear mouth,

You are so effing BIG and LOUD sometimes.
Don't you know when to stop pushing it?

GOD.
Now look what you've done.
You've made my boyfriend sad.

And it's all your FAULT!!!

:(

:(

Next time I am going to staple you shut if you ever pull something like this again.
You hear me!?!

I want...

A kitchen with an island. TOO.

But I'll have a kitchen not with just AN ISLAND, but with a grinder and a shiny metal hood. AND A STAINLESS STEEL FRIDGE WITH DOUBLE DOORS.

And a wall to wall bookshelf.
So there.

Because my boyfriend said I could.
HMPHH.

Bad, happy everything day lah.

The cat that's been taking over my bed, the pretentious book I try to read on the L, the caramel coated popcorn and peanuts I'm semi-obsessed with (that, and sushi).

Turned up at Abel Cinetech in the W Village for a camera test that's scheduled next week (I AM SUCH A DOOFUS), tripped on my way to school, and now I'm probably not sleeping until tomorrow morning because I haven't rewritten my script to workshop in class tomorrow.

SWEET.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!@!#$H!@$H!~$H!H$H!$H!$
IJUSTWANNAWATCHPROJECTRUNWAY!@#!#!@#!#!!!!!

"I just wanna eat, sleep and have sex." - Kim (on the way to Union Square)

OK bai.
PS/ I know it's you Kat! :P I nak sangat almond bubble tea :( But I don't have the time :( Esok I kelas 10-10!!! :( :( :(

Honestly..

I don't know what's wrong with me, even my boyfriend can't fathom what it is that is making me lose interest in school, or life in general. I'm so tired all the time when I've gotten more than enough sleep, I purposely come hours late for classes (or miss them altogether), I'm sick of even thinking about my second year film although it's still three months away into production...

Well in short I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with school.
Ugh. I need a vacation.

Or a Marc watch.

* * * * *
Here's the rape scene in which my teacher described as, "tame." And I had a feeling my classmates would say that the shots were "gorgeous" (because they're blind and love lazy, malas, unsteady shit) although it's just me balancing a Panasonic HVX, built with a 35mm adapter and Nikon (still camera) zoom lens without a tripod... and screwing around with party gels (Matt's, this time)... I can't do it, I can't do handheld shots camera to save my life...

BOO ME! *SOBS*



I'm tired of film school/talk.
I wanna go ice-skating. Or something. Anything.

Selamat Hari Raya!

Selamat (Belated) Hari Raya & Maaf Zahir Batin!

Ugh, I've been terrible. I didn't wish any of you pun... Sorry!!! Honestly, I didn't have the time... I've also been down with the flu, and missed two whole days of classes... (which I've never, hardly, ever done) But, this year I made sure I went to the CG so I'd have a chance at the raya spread of food (and photo op) joy...

Other than that, I have been depressed with the goings on of pre-production, and classes. I'm tired! I feel like I can't be bothered anymore. All I want to do is just lay in bed and watch one tv series after the other.

But I am loving my (new) leather boots, camera tests, hanging out with M & C (all though their constant fighting is starting to get on my NERVES!!!) and super attentive, super sweet boyfriend.

\\re-edit
Oh, and everyone, please watch 8tv's Ghost. Is Ng Ping Ho a genius, or is he a GENIUS!??! (mad props to the scriptwriter!) It was like, curveballs flying all around. Stayed up til 4am just to finish watching the entire series!! IT'S SO SUPER! AND IT'S MALAYSIAN!!! (thank you, dzof!) :)

OK enough rambling. Tomorrow I shoot my rape scene with M & C!!
MWAHS people. Enjoy rendang while you still can!

PS/ I really do have to stop sounding like a bumbling idiot when I write.

Love.

Shouldn't make you sad...
or feel bad, depressed, or angry...
or repressed, or dejected,
or doubtful whether such an emotional investment,

is even worth your god-forsaken life.

I am...

Super tired, super lethargic. But I figured that if I keep my mind constantly working (and thinking, and mulling over things) I can actually fight sleep in class. I didn't sleep in Gail's Aesthetics class today.. FOR ONCE!! That's like major achievement. Major.

I won't be fasting til raya! So sad! (sad because kene ganti 12 days) :(
I am obsessed with caramel coated popcorn.
I've had too much mexican food to last me at least, until the next year (what is up with my classmates and Chipotle?!!!)

Anyway, today was an extremely long day. Tomorrow pun will be a long day.
But si Abang Minimalis' post today made me a bit kembang (ye saye perasan :P)

I miss my boyfriend lots ok bai.

Nah logo my production company olok2 :

hating..

bedbugs!

For five weeks I've been insanely suffering from bed bug bites. My skin is so fugly right now I can't even bear to look at myself anymore.
Today, the war ends.

No absolute reason to get upset.

Although truthfully and honestly
I can't bear slobbishness.

TSK.

:(

Sedih sangat.
1) Tak reti tahan nangis
2) Tak reti cover line bile tension (especially during telephone conversations with orang-orang bengong e.g so-called insurance-terhebat-but-is-actually-a-mofo-business-scheme)
3) Don't know how to end this war with bugs
4) Don't know why I'm always fighting sleep when I've more than had enough hours of sleep

Happy sangat
1) Dapat minum almond black bubble milk tea from St Alps saiz jumbo untuk buka puasa (at 10pm)
2) Dapat guna meja Ummi (hi Ummi!!) untuk buat kerja so kerja jalan cepat sikit
3) Psyang rajin temankan tido lately

Bumped into Cameron Diaz on my way to the L train on 1st ave... so pretty! so tall! (jakun)

I'm tired of life in general.. cepatla Raya...

edit//
my dp reel.. cut.. finally.. lame ass but whatever...

Everyone, say hello to...

Psyang (pronounced SAYANG)

Kittens are such great, welcoming distractions.
Psyang makes me very happy... although I do feel like I'm betraying Gondry in a way. But he's so far away and last time I mollycoddled him, he made that loud motorboat noise (meaning he's annoyed) and Psyang never does that whenever I smother her with kisses... except meow in her tiny voice when it gets too much. French cats are so much more well behaved than Norwegian forest ones!!!

OK enough cat stories.
I haven't been writing because I've been tired.I don't exactly know why, because I have been getting more than enough sleep than usual. Maybe it's the changing weather... warm and sunny one day... rainy and chilly the next... I forgot how much I hate the unpredicatable New York weather... sigh...
or maybe because everything's started in full gear at school... there's just too many things to do and so little time... :( I don't really have problems with it being fasting month and everything, I just wish everyone would just sit back and chill for a second, ya know? Sheesh...

James Franco enrolled in the first year... and he's really dripping with hotness in person... it's really funny how everyone's been trying really hard to keep their cool around and in front of him, and then drool and brag about how many times they managed to talk to him... other than there hasn't been much to look forward to. For the past three weeks I've been in a constant war with bed bugs, which is super dumb because my bed still reeks faint smells of Ikea.. (which means its BRAND SPANKING NEW) Sigh...

I miss home... I miss being able to just wake up and have absolutely nothing to do... But what I don't miss is the feeling of being under constant pressure... to settle down and move into that next phase of life... I mean under these circumstances, it's just not possible... besides, he's not willing to drop everything and move here with me, and I don't want to get into it without being able to commit and be domestically (?) responsible towards his needs... of course it makes me a wee bit sad when I see other people my age being able to enjoy marital bliss, but good for them... I won't lie and say I'm not envious, but it's not my time just yet... so like, whatever... it's not like it's the key to absolute happiness in life...

I didn't get my library job back... which is sad, but I got a new job as a projectionist, which is intimidating but cool in a way.. anyone remembers Salvatore in Cinema Paradiso? (which we watched for Media Philosophy class in MMU dulu... ) its 35mm so it's good training... I work less hours and get less pay, but I guess I always wanted extra cash on the side to buy new clothes and presents for people, so it's not really a big deal. I've also been watching a lot of movies lately... when I have the time I guess I'll write about them...

OK I'm digressing.. it's like 1am in the morning and I have a script to rewrite and a pathetic reflection report to complete... I hate my new acting teacher... he makes everything so philosophical and theoritical, which I think is BS. Why can't he just cut to the chase and be more practical? I feel like the class is so rigid, and takes away the organic process of learning how to direct actors...

Well enough rambling... I guess I'll be pulling an all nighter... and tomorrow's going to be another long day.

Random ranting.

I miss him :(

I want to..

Write about my new Brooklyn shoebox,
jetlag,
my yet-to-be-written script,
Psyang my fourth housemate a.k.a the kitty who likes to sleep on keyboards,
and how malas I feel about starting school next week.

But mmm. Maybe tomorrow.

Because I needed to get this off my chest... (Susuk Review)

Nah, ni poster lama because I am lazy to look for the updated one.
Usually I won't really bother reviewing films that I've watched, because :
1) I am very, very biased and most of the times, beautiful cinematography clouds my judgments.
2) I am scared that I won't do these films much justice.

*SHEEPISHLY* I am a total fangirl when it comes to Amir Muhammad. He is almost 50% the reason why I'm even in film school all the way in New York, when I could have just been content with my copywriting job back in KL slaving away to become the next uh, Yasmin.. (pergh, KONON je ni, and that's a different story for another rainy day) But anyways. I remember reading Perforated Sheets in NST way back in 1999, writing him fan mail (about my silly ambition of writing a novel at 16) and following his progress into digital filmmaking (he did pioneer the method in Malaysia) asking question after question over teh o ais in Tupai Tupai (back in 2006, and for that I have Boyak to thank forever), listening intently over his talks about the infamous banned documentaries in Help (sampai sekarang tak dapat tengok lagi) and him recognizing me (the stalker girl) when I tagged along Brian (Yap) to watch that badly pixelated movie S'Kali (great attempt, but people should never be allowed to blow up video and pretend it'll look fine on a 35mm projector.. and never, never should Seven Collar T-Shirt's Faith ever be used so irrelevantly... such a crying SHAME I TELL YOU)

That is why, despite the boyfriend warning me again and again NOT to watch Susuk (since he'd been forced into working on some of the foley bits of it) I just HAD to go and see it for myself (after all, I've waited in extreme anticipation for almost two years for its release)

Susuk opens with an interesting dual-premise:
1) Suraya, a trainee nurse who is bored with her mundane, routine life wants to become a super star.
2) Suzana, a superstar will stop at nothing to stay on top (literally, too)

Because I'm too sleepy to actually write the entire synopsis, lets just say the whole film (clocking almost 2 hours) follows the stories of the two characters as each of them tries to fulfill their superficial desires - and are connected through the use of susuk. As Suraya rises to fame and goes through a metamorphosis (from a naive, wide-eyed, straight haired gullible trainee nurse to a Perempuan KL Rambut Karat), Suzana goes all crazy and hellbent on keeping her superstardomness by doing what Dukun Dewangga (Adlin Aman Ramlie, uncannily funny and eerily cryptic) tells her to (thus, turning into a black glove clad, long french manicured nailed whatever demon with a craving for human hearts, especially those of divas, pimps, prostitutes, and unsuspecting reality tv stars) Throughout the film we're fed with very random scenes (with annoying transitions from scene to scene, very much like Ugly Betty the tv series) The ending ties confusing bits and pieces together - albeit very, very loosely, turning Susuk into a decent watch, although until this moment I can't really say whether I loved it, or hated it.

*spoilers ahead* (not that anyone cares anyway, hah!)

Maybe I'm anti-progressive when it comes to plot structure and timelines (having been religiously abiding Syd Field's 3 act narrative structure... because it's the easiest and quickest way to finish a script when the time calls for it!) but I enjoyed Gaspar Noé's Irreversible and M.Night Shyamalan's Sixth Sense (which, very much like Susuk,both open with the ending as the beginning, and the beginning as the ending) Susuk's muddled timeline was just tooo mind-boggling. Perhaps a lot was left in the cutting room floor that could have filled in the monstrous, riddling gaps. First, if Suzana was a transformation of Suraya, why on earth did Mastura (Suraya's housemate) tell Suraya (when asked if she wanted to follow her to the Mona/Rozana concert) that she had an interview to attend (in which she was hired as the personal assistant to Suzana) Unless, it was intended as a story within a story - as Suzana's story is told through Suraya, Suraya is Suzana's final clueless victim in her quest to complete the Susuk Keramat process... making it seem like Suraya, in the story, could have been another trainee nurse wanting to become a superstar.

Errr... ok, I'm totally confusing myself.

Another question would be, why the addition subplot of Suraya's sister and her abusive brother in law (Hairy-has-been-Othman)? I tell myself, although this didn't add much weight to the story, it was maybe necessary for Suraya's character to build her trust in Dukun Dewangga since he'd come to her rescue and save the day whenever Hairy-has-been-Othman threatened her, her housemates, her sister, niece and nephew. *PHEW* that was long. And I didn't even understand why Dukun Dewangga hooked up with a prostitute (at first I thought because they wanted to show that even a bomoh gets tired with his right hand after a while) until I read in some reviews online that he took the prostitute's appearance for Suraya's sort of reincarnation.

Despite the jumbled timeline, I understand if Amir Muhammad and Naeim Ghalili made this film with no intention of its audience taking it seriously. It's supposed to be an homage of sorts (to many, many films I've yet to watch, because embarrassingly, I have a very small film vocabulary for someone studying to become a filmmaker.. malu siot) with many satirical pokes at the current situation of the country (its power struggles, bedroom drama, hypocrisy and god-knows what else) but but but..

Whatever happened to just good storytelling?

Hmm.

That was long winded, and I'm not sure if I made much sense, but as I write this I'm still trying to figure the movie out. I guess that's what I hate the most about it - it's keeping me up at night, diligently searching for reviews and interviews so that the story becomes more crystal clear (because I hate feeling like a doofus whenever I don't understand movies)

Geram betul.

2 more days!

Honestly, I've had an amazing (unproductive) two months and a half of absolute nothingness.
Bliss.

And to think that it's all coming to an end in exactly two days just breaks my heart.
But then again, I don't think I can live like this forever.

This blog needs a revamp! And I've so many things to write about. But right now because procrastinating is my middle name, those will have to wait while I frantically back up my lifeline (my mbp yang dah pernah terjatuh from beg laptop murahan Target, monitor termasuk air, charger meletup dan sebagainya.. thank god this apple is hardy)

:(

Get well soon, please.

Graveyards and dance-offs.

Last weekend has got to be one of the best ones I've had so far this whole summer, ever. He finally came, and so did Marie (on a spontaneous combustion) and we did the whole shebang of random touristy stuff... like walking along Queensbay's stretch of very dirty, rubbish stench beach strip at 7am, visiting the grave of Francis Light, eating Mee CRC (totally random and tak sedap!) and the 'infamous' Penang Road chendol (the one from section 17 tastes wayyy better), hanging out in his big hotel room in the dodgy sort of red light district part of the island and having 'drunken' dance-offs with ringtones from his and Marie's cellphones... overall it was really, really fun and I'm so glad they came all the way from KL to spend the weekend with me. Of course it was really sad when they left but I guess all good things must come to and end.. (like my summer here.. where, where in the world did 8 weeks of my life go to??)

I can't seem to find my camera anywhere and I took loads of underexposed shots on my SLR, so those pictures would need to be scanned.. well later lah when I'm rajin. I haven't even packed for Sydney and we're leaving at 7-ish pm tomorrow... la di da.. yes my 22 year old brother is getting married this Thursday... and in a whirlwind of events, my puny older brother is also planning to jump on the bandwagon soon...


Anyway, I don't need to be told again and again about...some random fact. It makes my stomach churn, thinking about consequences of the rushed decisions I had to make before... like why didn't you tell me earlier so I could have made better arrangements for myself? I don't know how you want me to react or respond, am I supposed to be sad? Overjoyed? Hopeful? What? If that is the case then stop repeating yourself. Because I get it already.

On a totally different note, I felt really god-awful thinking of all the mean things I've said, and the nit-picking on itsy bitsy things that hardly even matter... because I'm being put up as a beneficiary for (the insurance of) a particular person who is very near, and dear to me.. and I know it's not really a big deal or whatever because I could just be a name to fill up a blank but coming from this person it means a whole lot. It made me almost want to cry, and count my every blessing that our paths crossed. Mistakes may have been made, and certain error in judgements may have been terrifyingly hurtful and heartbreaking, but this makes it up in every way possible.

Thank you.