:(

I showed my first rough assembly in editing class just now. I absolutely hate showing my work in class, because it's almost like hanging your dirty laundry out for everyone to see..

AGHHH BENCI OK. Especially when everyone sorts of have mixed reactions like, "Why are we watching this again?"

:(

:(

*SOB*

On one hand I can't wait to go home to go scuba diving (fingers crossed) and just lay on the beach to read, pig out at home, smother and bite Gondry and just do whatever, but on the other hand (if everything goes well, fingers also crossed) I can't wait to be crewing on this! I want my name on imdb already!!

Last Saturday was a blast!! I had my nearest and dearest over for tonnes of food, ice cream, pie (I didn't even take out my chocolate bread pudding because tak jadi.. sobs) and it was really fun, although getting up to go to Christina's (this undergrad I work with at the digital library) shoot was absolute hell, and what an impression I must've given her falling asleep between takes..

Hmm Gossip Girl is getting better, surprisingly!!

Unmixed, unrefined, unfinished, incomplete!

My boyfriend says it's very James Lee. James Lee!?!?!
JAMES-I'LL-MAKE-A-10-MIN-LONG shot LEE?!!?



I don't even like James Lee. I fell asleep mid-way through his whatzis-called Washing Machine film a few years back.
SOB.

Missing..

my baby Gondry.
him.
home.
friends.
udang masak lemak cili padi.

49 more days, and I cannot wait!
Production period just ended, so now it's back to running in between classes, work, and finding time to edit my film. After the shoot last night, everyone in my crew pretty much got smashed. I don't necessarily enjoy sessions of drunken stupors, because it's really awkward being in a company of people you know not acting like themselves - but I'm pretty much just glad that we were DONE with production. The musical maestro's shoot had my brains simmering and boiling up to the point where I had to make up confrontations and conversations (with strangling, smacking and lots of bitch slapping) so that I'd feel... less angry.

I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why are the most educated people so FUCKING socially inept?
GRRR.
Anyway.

As glad as I am that production period is over, it is kind of sad, too, in a way. But I am definitely looking forward to going home although there's a gazillion of things to think about.. like looking for a new apartment, sublets, EDITING my film (which I'm not looking forward to.. because as satisfied as I was during my shoot, I went to watch my dailies and just sort of... fell out of love with all my so-called cool shots. NOT PRETTY) and so much more.

This entry is getting really boring. Oklah bai.

Do us all a favour.

Take your gargantuan amount of self indulgence, 'experimental' music, lack of social grace and Yale degree, and shove everything up your ass.

Please.

Exhausted..

But extremely content.
Coming soon! :)

Self-consciousness.

This is where I spend 14 hours of my life, in a week, at. It's a digital library stocked with every title of mandatory-film-school-
must-watch movies (and guilty pleasures such as six full seasons of SATC, The Office, CSI and every other tv series you can think of) Kinda like working in Kim's video store down at St. Marks... (minus the hipsters, and the steep deposit/membership fee) I really like my job.

OK, random cerita for the day.
I cannot help but feel very self-conscious right now - thanks to the comment Anonymous made to my previous post (regarding the remake of Shutter) Err... hi, and because it's almost 1.30 am I can't seem to muster a clever and clear rebuttal for my take on Hollywood Horror Bastardizations - I'll have to write about that later. Or maybe after I get the chance to watch it. Hopefully. But indefinitely.

Anyway. All classes have halted to make way for our production period, which has gone into full swing with the completion of Steve's film last Tuesday (in which I was director of photography) It went smoothly, but because his story is loaded with dialogue driven characters, it wasn't as interesting to shoot... unfortunately. I guess I shouldn't be complaining since nobody else asked me to shoot their films :( But I wish I had the chance to shoot something more visually interesting - well I guess I could have done that with his film, but I just wasn't connecting to the story (a wife suspects her Middle Eastern-religion-
denouncing-husband's cousin is a terrorist... now how could I have possibly been visually excited about that?) *BIG SIGH*

My roomate's classmate just passed away this morning, I really didn't know how to deal with her, and her friend coming over and bawling, so I just idly went on doing my daily random routines. News and the very mention of death will never cease to stun and shock and humble and frighten me - in many, many ways.

Why is it that the very idea of dying is extremely and completely terrifying?
I pray that when it comes to my time to die (w'allahu'allam when, and where) I want to be happy and content, knowing that I've done some good (and maybe, some justice too) in this world (this world which is like a tiny, tangible spectrum in an endless, unmeasurable universe)


*(beat)

My eyelids are wavering. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, as I'll be helping the crew transferring equipment from Queens to Jersey, and pre-lighting for Kiel's shoot (I'm gaffer a.k.a Head Electrician) And on a lighter, less morbid note - Friday we turn one year, and because he's such a great big liar ("there isn't a need for cards.. or presents") I got caught off guard with a package containing a back issue of KLue, a card filled with hearts and carefully written words, and an 8G flashdisk filled with more than a hundred snapshots of Gondry the Big Fat Kitty. Indulgent as I might sound, he is just super. Super electric.

Now, sleep.

* (beat) a screen writing jargon I believe, which means the character waits for a moment, or pauses for a thought - creating a dramatic moment (either an emotional transition/moment of decision or realization), also allowing audience to understand the scene and take in what's actually happening.

I AM VERY, VERY ANGRY.

My favourite Thai horror film has been bastardized by Hollywood and is being released NEXT WEEK.


It makes me really mad. Why do they have to spoil every single AMAZING ASIAN HORROR FILM ever BEEN MADE?!?

WHY??? WHY!?!?!
ERGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Sangat benci.
PS/ Hi Fizah! - insyaAllah balik bulan Jun! Tak tau la ape yg Mo kasi kucing saye makan sampai jadi gemok gedempol camtu!! :P
Hi Hanna! - I KNOW WHO IT IS! I do, I do I do!!! OMG I SO HAVE TO GET ONLINE to talk to you!! Soon ok. Make sure you're not busy at work or too sleepy to talk to me!!!

This weekend..

I have been a happy, lucky camper.
I had three free meals over the weekend: Wendy's for lunch at Steve's, Chinatown for dinner with weird, zany Chinese landlady and homemade lasagna at Juanita's just now.

I also managed to:
1) Watch Joe's 3 Extremes, Oldboy and Paranoid Park (reviews later if rajin)
2) Finish my script
3) Submit my documentary
4) Shot-list for Steve's film next week, in which I will be shooting

However, I did not :
1) Clean up the fridge which is an uber mess with empty plastic bags
2) Do my weekly grocery shopping
3) Go to the gym
4) Do my laundry - hence now I'm re-wearing worn clothes

I found a gem amidst Little Italy/Chinatown - it is a fully furnished closet.. I mean, room, for 675USD - to be shared with a Swedish actor (how very convenient!) and only 15 minutes to school via Elizabeth St (which I very much love)

Unfortunately and sadly enough, after spending 2 hours getting acquainted with the landlady, she's giving it to a 38 year old PHD student coming from Beijing.

Sigh. So the search continues.

Bodohnya!!

Sometimes my mouth spouts out words faster before my brain can digest/comprehend.

"My pak tam besar bf is coming to stay for his spring break. Would you mind?"

"How long is he going to be here?"
"Until Friday."
"That's a week!"
"Well, no.. only from tomorrow (which is a Sunday) until Friday."
"That's like, a week!!!"
"No.. a week is like until next Sunday.. this is only until Friday. And we'll be mostly out during the day, and will only be back at night."

WELL. Who is the one taking 18 credit hours and working 14 hours a week and is hardly AT home except at night when SLEEP is required, and who is the one doing 12 credit hours with all the time in the world to go to the gym every night and take afternoon NAPS?!?!?



Memang nak lempang and say bladi hell I don't want to wake up to moaning sounds of you and your Pak Tam Besar bf making out or doing stuff you should be doing in a room (GELI SIAL) but these words came out before I even knew what I was saying.

"Um. OK."

I can only kick myself right now. And bang my head against the wall.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH.
Like school wasn't already so stressful enough, now I have to bear Geli/Meng-psychokan Hidup Public Displays of Affection of my roomie and her Pak Tam Besar bf.

Of cold winters and grey slush.

Being sick is not the least bit fun.
At this moment all I want is to be right next to my loves back home.
:(

disappointment.

What's the immaterial substance
that envelopes two,
that one perceives as hunger
and the other as food.
I wake in tangled covers,
to a sash of snow,
you dream in a cartoon garden,
I could never know.
Innocent imitation,
of how it could be,
if when the music ended,
you did not retreat.
In my imagination,
you are cast in gold,
your image a compensation for me to hold.
Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.
Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.
Parallel Lines - Kings of Convenience

I am weary of placing trust and hope in anyone anymore.

Horrorwitz.

I hardly speak in class because so many people have a lot more thoughts than I do, and can carefully phrase them out in more proper, understandable and efficient formats, rather than my clunky, weirdly juxtaposed structured sentences.
I would rather sit back and listen. And I happen to enjoy just sitting back, listening.

But today was an exception.
"You are the new jesus'es' in filmmaking.."
"You control how the society behaves..."

"Hollywood is 4, 5 years ahead of everyone else.." warbled the precocious Horrorwitz lady.
"For instance in the supernatural genre..."

So I got really mad and said, "Well, can you explain how is it that Hollywood is 4 or 5 years ahead when every single horror film out at this moment are bastardizations of Asian films?"

I didn't get a decent answer.

Nor did I bother paying anymore attention after that, as I engaged myself in a heated debate (in my head) whether it would be a greasy but very yummy plain cheese slice from Mercato or Javaworks' transfat-free, healthy chicken-avocado sandwich for lunch.

Procrastinating Project 1.

My baby Gondry, 11+ months. I miss him like you can't imagine :(

Rajin Tetibe.

My second pair of $29.95 Payless boots gave away again yesterday night. Memang tension, because now I have to walk around in my Chuck Taylors yang rabak and berlubang.

Sedih, okkay.

Anyway yesterday night was hilarious, Indian food/lemon-mint shisha/green tea in Queens and perjumpaan Persatuan Budak2 Malaysia -- it's really good to tear myself away from school/classmates sometimes, and not be around ignorant Americans (Malaysia? Maaalaaysia. Eee bongok!) and be around all things familiar.

I made an interesting relevation of a particular blog I have been (almost) religiously reading of late, I think I actually managed to figure who the person is. Amazingly enough, reading his writings and observations through his secret online identity has completely changed my perception of him in real life. In a good way, of course.

I've just realized I will never be able to write happy/clappy scripts or stories. I sat down with my writing teacher last week and he told me, "I watched your last film, and you have this thing, ah.. for all things dark and gothic?" after reading my 7-minute adaptation script about a sculptor who does something really really bad to her college sweetheart (who ended up marrying someone else and leaves her in mighty depression, leading to a tragic ending) Even I don't understand my obsession with all things sordid and macabre.

Bising gile orang tengok Superbowl malam ni. Another American obsession I don't (and won't) comprehend.

happiness!

Secretly, I have been hoping that my film would be picked in one of the 10 from the New York class to be shown to Tisch Asia in Singapore (just to show that Malaysians can kick some serious ass). They got my name spelled wrongly in the programme, but who cares!

(all of this, after getting an amazing belated birthday package with a handmade birthday card from the bestest boyfriend in the world, back home)

*BIG STUPID GRIN*

whoop-ass!

Only because I am only allowed to be self indulgent in my own confined space and time, and because I really really like my colors, Kings of Convenience and how good my actor looks like in it, despite the comment about "the overwhelming score and virtuoso (a nicer way of saying OTT) performance of a person showing that he is really, really angry" I got in class.



I am really annoyed about EITS playing in KL before they come to New York in April too.
Ish, everyone wants to become indie nowadays. Bosan aku.

le sigh.

My Green Eyes, he is, and I love him now even more so.




I am getting more and more disappointed with people around me. I hate having too many expectations, because when they fall short, I get extremely disappointed to a point where I get aggravated, annoyed, and hurt beyond words :(

I don't understand how people can be so selfish at times. Or maybe it's just me and my childishness in wanting to believe that every gesture of sincerity or kindness will be favours returned. Unfortunately for me, that's hardly ever the case.

I set up the lights, operated the camera, had to use the lav mic, did everything on my own. And that's so super difficult when I'm trying to direct an actor to get a genuine performance simultaneously. Extremely difficult, because everything comes into play - you suddenly have to be aware of everything else and get distracted from the main task at hand (which is why i want to become a cinematographer so much more than a director!!!)

I already don't like my new crew. I don't.
And editing my exercise, hmm. Ed's boyfriend Jared is just dripping with hotness. Like, extreme hotness.

Mind you, that's my classmate Edward's boyfriend.
Le sigh.

bump.

Waking up feeling empty is not a good feeling.
Holding back tears when your whole body is shaking profusely in silent sobs is not a good feeling.

I don't ever want to remember how it feels like not being in love.
A bump.
A small one, this will be.

Hopefully.

:(

goodbye my winter wonderland!

5 weeks of untold bliss - painstakingly beautiful days of lounging in bed with endless tv streaming, tastebud tickling cuisine of all sorts of origin and taste, wonderful company of new and pleasant friends and of course, nights of fitful sleep next to the most adorable, squishy furball - Baby.

I can't tell you how much I wish this could have lasted longer (although I would have rot into a pile of squidgy mush by the end of it) but here's to endless months of willing myself in the sheer gates of (academia) hell.

Technically I am already 24 (well I believe I was born Malaysian time) and mmm, somehow it doesn't feel that different. However, this arrived in my aparment last Friday, and when I opened the box up I almost cried - a dozen of pink roses for my birthday! The possibly most sweetest thing he could ever do, which makes me love him even more!!

'Til summer break looms by!

things that make going to film school..

Completely rewarding. And fulfilling :)

After yesterday's traumatizing near-i'm-going-to-quit-film-school experience, I was extremely reluctant to shoot for my classmate/spring semester crewmate Kiel. My poor shoulders were still aching from Sunday's shoot, and I wasn't looking forward to a 6 hour long shoot. But his subject matter was interesting - a blind painter from Visions Service for the Blind (on 23rd St and 7th Ave) who taught and assisted an entire class of visually impaired students the art of 'light painting' - which is somewhat similar to light trails. Capturing light trails is fairly simple (if your camera allows you to slow your shutter speed down to say, a minute and beyond) The camera is placed on the tripod (and not to be moved at any time during the shoot) in a room where all lights are switched off, and right after the release button is pressed, you make all these drawings with colored flashlights. This picture of an angel I took using my Canon EOS300V for an assignment in photography class back in MMU (with my drummer Wanie as a model, which she so, so hated to be) pales in comparison to what the talented artists from Visions made. The images that Steve and his fellow cohorts composed were so much more deep in meaning and thoughtful in composition, and for a bunch of blind people they were SO creative, using nets, Christmas sprinkles, aluminium foil, knitting needles and whatnots to create interesting textures and layers. In short, I had amazing fun documenting their class, it was such an experience. It really gave me a hard knock on reality... I mean here I was, whining, freaking out and not wanting to eat the whole day of yesterday (a pathetic attempt of rebelling against the workings of the world), and there they were, some on the brink of completely losing sight and some already not being able to see participating in an activity that you'd never imagine them being able to do.

They weren't a sad bunch of blind people either. They were hilariously funny, cracking jokes at each other and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves...

*sighs in content*

And Kiel let me shoot everything while he operated the boom mike. That makes me so happy (because I love being behind the camera) Working with Kiel was also great, because as a director he definitely knew what he wanted (besides also knowing what to aperture to use, whether to turn on gain or not..) For the price of a 6-7 hour shoot, I got a free dinner at Olive Garden - very yummy (and pricey) Italian food! Samina came over to join us and we had the most exquisite chocolate cake which literally melted in my mouth *drools* Even Ms Read's delicious Classic Chocolate Cake can't top it...

My roomate came back yesterday, at 1am. Today we talked a bit, mainly about the situation in her country Pakistan - which is becomingly increasingly tragic and sad, where people are losing faith in their own country. As ignorant as I am about my own country, I really wouldn't want it to crumble in any way.

Sigh.
On a more superficial note, I absolutely LOVE this season of Project Runway. Christian is one of my favourites (after Kevin, but he got voted off last week...) and hello, did anyone think that Ricky should have gone instead of Kit?? His plain, ugly babydoll dresses have never been anything more than just plain eyesores!!!

I'll be starting my crummy digital library job next week!!! I honestly hope to be earning enough to buy meself a ticket home for the summer. And I watched Juno (ok Ellen Page is cute, but it's hardly what you could call.. spectacular) and Atonement (it started off beautifully, but I don't understand why Keira Knightley is being hailed by the critics for her *yawn* performance... when Saoirse Ronan, the actress who plays 13 year old Briony Tallis WAAAYYY overshadowed Keira's snotty-as-a-prick character Cecilia)

I'll be turning 24 in FOUR DAYS. THE ABSOLUTE HORROR.
Hence I best be off, for night is no longer young for very old me.