falling apart, once again.

I found this while I was killing time this afternoon.

No, I didn't stay long to talk to Amir Muhammad, after the screening. Adem left earlier anyway, so it would have been awkward. Nevertheless, amidst the angry tears just an hour before it went on (because I was being a total brat about my boyfriend being late, and unable to tear himself from work to come fetch me from home) it was a great feeling, watching 'Tengah hari/Sepetang Bersama Awek Bertudung' (as Amir Muhammad dubs it, I don't recall exactly) play in Help Institute after I'd given up after sending tape, after tape, after tape there. 3 years was definitely worth the wait.

Now here I am, by myself trying to pick up pieces again. Why do I fall and break so easily when he leaves me at the door? I guess it's just that I've fallen into that comfortable spot again, knowing he is there within reach and is a physical, tangible presence rather than an offbeat, muffled voice at the other end of the line.

I wish I could be stronger with a faster recovery period.

Ugh, just shoot me for this overload of cheesiness.

5th unproductive week.

Urbanscapes was a total blast. I think I definitely managed to catch most of the acts/bands that I wanted. It didn't bother me that my puny film was shown on a tiny tube tv with uncomfortable cardboard box seats either. It was a hot, humid day, but lots of fun with really good company, and my lovely "today, I'm at your disposal" boyfriend.

I choose to be in this little bubble of happiness, rather than dwell on the fact that the political climate of the country is changing so rapidly as everyone gets ready to embrace the next great depression... as immature and ignorant I may come across as, I just need to believe there's still some hope, some goodness, and a tiny glint of brightness at the end of the line for me, for all of us, hence not wanting to thread unchartered territories beyond the borders of my rainbow filled, plastic bubble world...

Well if there isn't then the only salvation would be knowing that there will be much more in the afterlife, and God has made it so.

It makes me almost sad that the couples I've grown to know around me have broken up, and drifted apart. It's heart wrenching, although I'm sure they had absolutely logical reasons as to why they chose not to be with their (ex) significant others anymore... but. Well. Maybe it's just me and my ballooning optimism and idealistic theories when it comes to love. OR. Me wanting to know that what I have right now is mine to last, and hold for long.

My boyfriend hates me being corny, but he doesn't read my blog (out of choice), so here goes. This is an amazing, breathtakingly beautiful song and I can't believe I've never discovered it before.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia Furler -Breathe Me

Be good, people.

odd.

Week four at home, and there has still been absolutely no progress on my second year film script. I've been pampered with good food, good company, and lots of lots of oodling time. This week I am camping over at my tiny apartment. While it's fun being able to meet my friends and go around KL, it's really lonely in the mornings, afternoons, and nights when the boyfriend leaves me at the door to go home.

Sigh. Working people always need to sleep early.

Anyways. Joy joy! 'Cure to Catastrophe' is showing tomorrow at Filmmakers Anonymous 7 (thanks to Mien) and also Urbanscapes on Saturday.. (that one I don't really care much for, since it's going to be one of the many shorts played on loop...) Tonight 'Afternoon' was screened at Palate Pallate, and will be screened again on Saturday at FoodNotBombs KL, and another time in HELP (FINALLY!!!) next Monday night... curated by Amir Muhammad!!! Let's just hope my mommy lets me stay longer... Other than that, I drove to Finas this afternoon to submit my application for a RM20K short film fund. Not only did I get lost (so much for remembering KL roads by heart) but I also finished a quarter tank of very expensive petrol... but good thing is I saw elephants! And giraffes!!! So fun!!! The last time I went to the zoo was in 2003 to take pictures of elephant butts with Zalia...

It's hard being at this transition period. I've just realized how I always like complaining that I never have time to do things for myself when I'm uber busy, and now that I do have SO much time in my hands I get clueless and start idling away... sigh.

Had lunch with Jolyn yesterday and I dropped by the KLue office... mmm well I guess it'll never feel the same like the time I was there, because people (and desks) keep being moved and changed around, I mean, how can it possibly feel the same? It's not like I miss doing shit jobs like cutting paper, stuffing envelops, making phonecalls in the 'sparkly voice' (or so Hanna calls it) but ah, I do remember that one time the whole office was sniggering and laughing like idiots watching Kelvin the Intern from Hell doing his random break dancing moves with his ipod on...

Other than that I've had a lovely time of cakes with Ben, crepe cakes with Marie and Amri, 'candlelight' dinner with Chia Chyi and Kaili, and tomorrow, hanging out with more of my nearest and dearest from MMU days... so top it all off I've had a pretty sweet week so far, despite him falling sick just in time for it to end.. I hope he gets well soon because my boyfriend is not much fun when he's sniffling more than I am.

Ta-ra!

head dizzy..

when I put pieces together and realize what a small, small world it is.
small. ok?

Other than that, my brains have been bursting with boredom.. I have to remind myself time really flies and I should get up and moving!!
In my oodles and oodles of spare time spent on my beloved computer and cooped up in my room, I've just discovered what a cool tool garageband is!!
ALA I CANNOT FIGURE OUT CAMNE NAK LETAK an mp3 on blogger. So setupid. I made a Ratatouille version of Across the Universe!! Now I can't share it with the world, bodoh!!!

:(

On the plus side my boyfriend is back from Phuket, yayyy!!!

Ok tu je bai.

on the surface..

Of course everything seems hunky-dory. Being around him makes me the happiest, but at the back of my head that day still lingers, and I can still feel the searing pain. I think about it a lot, up to a point that I feel that although it's been a month, it seems almost impossible to forget.

:(


Seeing my friends I am reminded what I don't have anymore - a job. While other people are saving money, working for a future, thinking about getting property (and for many, finally getting hitched and setting up a home, and family) here I am on a long journey doing something on a whim and fancy. Not earning money but piling on debt, having the time of my life indulging in an interest which holds no certainty for financial stability... or even a future. Or maybe I just don't like being the odd one out.

Bleh (what a big WHINER I AM kan?!! bengong)

I am finally getting used to the weather, and sleeping regularly. Really that could have been the worst case of jetlag ever... but sadly my stomach still can't take super spicy food (my tongue was on fire when I had Nandos for dinner with Eida... on fire. And a bad tummy ache ensued the day after) because I've gone for so long without super spicy food. And my eyes have been allergic over god-knows-what. It's definitely not because of Gondry, because I haven't been been smothering in his fur or biting his paws since I came back last Tuesday. They've been terribly itchy and swollen. BLEARGH WHAT A GREAT WAY to spend your summer yah. Poofy eyes. Eh I mean puffy.

Other than that I have been very unproductive - been in hermitdom for at least two weeks now. Save for the weekend with the boyfriend and the unexpected shopping spree with Eida, I haven't really done anything. It's bad because I remember during winter break I got so used to not getting out of my bed, but instead pigged out, snuggled with Baby the Cat watching full seasons of The Hills, Laguna Beach, and Newport Habor (go figure) Life really sucked.

The fuel price increase is probably old news. Najib being PM is already almost stale. In other words Malaysia is not a very happy country to be in right now. It's too depressing. My plan of lying on the sand, dipping in the gorgeous gorgeous beach and diving in Perhentian with my nearest and dearest is the only thing that excites me right now (110% more fun than the family trip to Sydney next month.. but then again there is shopping and Supre...)

I miss you guys in New York... yeah you, you and you and you and you and you. I'm already sketching out deco details for my tiny box in Little Puerto Rico (thanks for the term Ummi, haaha) and missing kimchi, spicy squid udon in K-Town, iced coffee and PARFAIT!!! :(

Spread love.

6 days..

I miss him soooo much already!

home might just not be where the heart is.

Great, on my arrival in KLIA I nearly knocked down a lady with a trolley, was told off (humiliatingly) in front of a LOT of people, was embarrassed beyond imagination but somehow couldn't take that stupid grin off my face.

Because there he was, waiting for me.
And nothing else ever felt more than just... right.

Seems like nothing much has changed, and it's almost hard to believe that I've been gone for almost a year.
But walking through the crowd I felt something unknowingly missing and terribly sad - that I've outgrown this place and its people, that I honestly don't see myself moving forward in this bubble, and that I, admittedly, really actually miss New York.


Ah. Life and it's eccentricities.

of random updates.

It's beyond my comprehension, how the wheel spins. Just when you think everything in life is sort of falling into place, just when you let yourself bask in absolute certainty and happiness - that's when things start to fall apart, and life just bitch slaps you right in the face...

.
I guess I got overexcited over the fact that I'm moving in with friends, but the lack of communication has somewhat left me sounding like a fussy prick... :(
Right now I'm crashing over at Kat and Shue's place, and it's not the best feeling in the world having to menyusahkan orang like this... like a nomad, like I don't really have a place to call my own...

:(
But moving on.

Today, I guarded a church for 13 hours straight. I wasn't even allowed to go to crafty for any coffee breaks, or even be on set, which was altogether depressing... and kind of sad, really. It is no fun wallowing in self pity and bitching about being treated like an idiotic, moronic intern who can't handle lock-ups OR using a walkie properly. But I managed to do a lot of thinking. Practiced a whole lot of conversations and played out tonnes of scenarios with different people (in my head) to keep myself amused.

And vowed to myself that I would take control of my current situation.
Sink, or swim.
Do, or die.

I feel like weights have been lifted off my back. I managed to spurt out that I wasn't happy being off set and cooped up in the church, and that I'd wanted to be as close to the camera as possible, because this hasn't exactly been a wholesome learning experience. And it's not like I'm an unqualified undergrad who's not capable of doing things (I mean, sure, they gave me a walkie and excluded the other interns, but do I really need to be told off ON walkie that I had been misusing 'yes' and 'copy that'? Sheesh) Four more days and I'll be happy to be done with being depressed and miserable all 15 hours of my summer days...

Boring stuff, I know. I just felt like the need to write that at least, amidst what's crumbling apart around me -
I can still manage to salvage something (strength, maybe?) out of this emotional carnage...

unloading emotions.

Been keeping myself preoccupied, after calling in sick for work yesterday I turned up on set today. It was slow but nevertheless really quick, and the New York weather was kind... for once. It's turning out a lot better than I expected. I love the crew, and despite having to do really crappy, random shit like stopping human traffic (in which I almost stopped Uma from coming into her own set *slaps forehead*) everything else has been almost... fun.

I'm slowly picking myself up... although my heart still hurts, and that empty, nauseous feeling still lingers at the pit of my stomach. And it doesn't help that by being here, I am utterly helpless.

If only I could see his eyes.

:(

I just want to be ready.
I just want to be ready.

But I do know, that if and when I do fall
There will be more than just a pair of hands catching me

And for that I only have God to thank for.

in constant need of..

companions. people to talk to.
I have been on the phone with my mother more than three times since yesterday. I called my brother. Daniel. Ummi. Anyone who's willing to let my cry, let me drown and wallow at this time of doubt.

One minute to myself and I start remembering little things. the familiar smell after a fresh shower. the rough feel of his crew cut hair. the scrunched up nose in mockery. big, round eyes.

too many. too many things.
suck it all in.
suck it all in.

Sayang, I love you... so, so much that sometimes it hurts.


but these walls are closing in on me
and I'm finding it difficult to breathe.

...

Dear God,
Please let me be strong.
Let me be strong.

Please let me strong.
Because right now I am falling apart, and I can't gather myself together.

Let me be strong.
Ya Allah please let me be strong.

:(

officially..

knackered.

For the past week, I have been so super busy trying to get last minute assignments done, DVDs burned and tapes printed out, looking for apartments and being an unpaid PA on the set of Uma Thurman's new film. Now I know that:

1) She likes to knit
2) Child actors are divas in the making
3) A PA job is probably the lowest on the rung (and crappiest to boot)
4) A 'professional' shoot can be just AS unorganized as student film shoots
5) On film sets, there's a lot of waiting around.. and not just for actors.

Other than that, I'll be homeless by next Friday.
Yay me!

*ROLLS EYES*

I can't..

fucking believe you!
orang dah bagi chance and all and you whine and complain and bitch!

I have been reduced to a kuli-herding-cows, err.. extras, and you get to touch a fucking 35mm camera and witness magic happen, and still you roll your eyes like you deserve better.

UNGRATEFUL.
UNGRATEFULLLLLLL!! TAU TAK!!! UNGRATEFUL AMERICANS!!!

EEEEEE BENCI!!!!!

///Re-Edit.
I'm so mad that I need to rant like there'll be no tomorrow. I mean seriously. If I were you I'd be willing to skip screenings and shit to be anywhere near the camera. And here you go about complaining about your film which is already gorgeous as hell.

GRR.
Satu lagi, I hate the way YOU put my hopes up, and then just turn your back and say, well, maybe I'll just take it back. It's horrible, ok - you know tak buruk siku? BURUK SIKU SIAL! Bodoh!! And the way you think next year you're the only one making a film?! What about ME. WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!! And if your script is so fucking great no need to repeat it like a broken record la bodo. If it is great then the work will speak for itself, faham?

So, SHUT THE MOFO UP!!!

OK dah bai.

:(

I showed my first rough assembly in editing class just now. I absolutely hate showing my work in class, because it's almost like hanging your dirty laundry out for everyone to see..

AGHHH BENCI OK. Especially when everyone sorts of have mixed reactions like, "Why are we watching this again?"

:(

:(

*SOB*

On one hand I can't wait to go home to go scuba diving (fingers crossed) and just lay on the beach to read, pig out at home, smother and bite Gondry and just do whatever, but on the other hand (if everything goes well, fingers also crossed) I can't wait to be crewing on this! I want my name on imdb already!!

Last Saturday was a blast!! I had my nearest and dearest over for tonnes of food, ice cream, pie (I didn't even take out my chocolate bread pudding because tak jadi.. sobs) and it was really fun, although getting up to go to Christina's (this undergrad I work with at the digital library) shoot was absolute hell, and what an impression I must've given her falling asleep between takes..

Hmm Gossip Girl is getting better, surprisingly!!

Unmixed, unrefined, unfinished, incomplete!

My boyfriend says it's very James Lee. James Lee!?!?!
JAMES-I'LL-MAKE-A-10-MIN-LONG shot LEE?!!?



I don't even like James Lee. I fell asleep mid-way through his whatzis-called Washing Machine film a few years back.
SOB.

Missing..

my baby Gondry.
him.
home.
friends.
udang masak lemak cili padi.

49 more days, and I cannot wait!
Production period just ended, so now it's back to running in between classes, work, and finding time to edit my film. After the shoot last night, everyone in my crew pretty much got smashed. I don't necessarily enjoy sessions of drunken stupors, because it's really awkward being in a company of people you know not acting like themselves - but I'm pretty much just glad that we were DONE with production. The musical maestro's shoot had my brains simmering and boiling up to the point where I had to make up confrontations and conversations (with strangling, smacking and lots of bitch slapping) so that I'd feel... less angry.

I just DON'T UNDERSTAND. Why are the most educated people so FUCKING socially inept?
GRRR.
Anyway.

As glad as I am that production period is over, it is kind of sad, too, in a way. But I am definitely looking forward to going home although there's a gazillion of things to think about.. like looking for a new apartment, sublets, EDITING my film (which I'm not looking forward to.. because as satisfied as I was during my shoot, I went to watch my dailies and just sort of... fell out of love with all my so-called cool shots. NOT PRETTY) and so much more.

This entry is getting really boring. Oklah bai.

Do us all a favour.

Take your gargantuan amount of self indulgence, 'experimental' music, lack of social grace and Yale degree, and shove everything up your ass.

Please.

Exhausted..

But extremely content.
Coming soon! :)

Self-consciousness.

This is where I spend 14 hours of my life, in a week, at. It's a digital library stocked with every title of mandatory-film-school-
must-watch movies (and guilty pleasures such as six full seasons of SATC, The Office, CSI and every other tv series you can think of) Kinda like working in Kim's video store down at St. Marks... (minus the hipsters, and the steep deposit/membership fee) I really like my job.

OK, random cerita for the day.
I cannot help but feel very self-conscious right now - thanks to the comment Anonymous made to my previous post (regarding the remake of Shutter) Err... hi, and because it's almost 1.30 am I can't seem to muster a clever and clear rebuttal for my take on Hollywood Horror Bastardizations - I'll have to write about that later. Or maybe after I get the chance to watch it. Hopefully. But indefinitely.

Anyway. All classes have halted to make way for our production period, which has gone into full swing with the completion of Steve's film last Tuesday (in which I was director of photography) It went smoothly, but because his story is loaded with dialogue driven characters, it wasn't as interesting to shoot... unfortunately. I guess I shouldn't be complaining since nobody else asked me to shoot their films :( But I wish I had the chance to shoot something more visually interesting - well I guess I could have done that with his film, but I just wasn't connecting to the story (a wife suspects her Middle Eastern-religion-
denouncing-husband's cousin is a terrorist... now how could I have possibly been visually excited about that?) *BIG SIGH*

My roomate's classmate just passed away this morning, I really didn't know how to deal with her, and her friend coming over and bawling, so I just idly went on doing my daily random routines. News and the very mention of death will never cease to stun and shock and humble and frighten me - in many, many ways.

Why is it that the very idea of dying is extremely and completely terrifying?
I pray that when it comes to my time to die (w'allahu'allam when, and where) I want to be happy and content, knowing that I've done some good (and maybe, some justice too) in this world (this world which is like a tiny, tangible spectrum in an endless, unmeasurable universe)


*(beat)

My eyelids are wavering. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, as I'll be helping the crew transferring equipment from Queens to Jersey, and pre-lighting for Kiel's shoot (I'm gaffer a.k.a Head Electrician) And on a lighter, less morbid note - Friday we turn one year, and because he's such a great big liar ("there isn't a need for cards.. or presents") I got caught off guard with a package containing a back issue of KLue, a card filled with hearts and carefully written words, and an 8G flashdisk filled with more than a hundred snapshots of Gondry the Big Fat Kitty. Indulgent as I might sound, he is just super. Super electric.

Now, sleep.

* (beat) a screen writing jargon I believe, which means the character waits for a moment, or pauses for a thought - creating a dramatic moment (either an emotional transition/moment of decision or realization), also allowing audience to understand the scene and take in what's actually happening.

I AM VERY, VERY ANGRY.

My favourite Thai horror film has been bastardized by Hollywood and is being released NEXT WEEK.


It makes me really mad. Why do they have to spoil every single AMAZING ASIAN HORROR FILM ever BEEN MADE?!?

WHY??? WHY!?!?!
ERGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.

Sangat benci.
PS/ Hi Fizah! - insyaAllah balik bulan Jun! Tak tau la ape yg Mo kasi kucing saye makan sampai jadi gemok gedempol camtu!! :P
Hi Hanna! - I KNOW WHO IT IS! I do, I do I do!!! OMG I SO HAVE TO GET ONLINE to talk to you!! Soon ok. Make sure you're not busy at work or too sleepy to talk to me!!!

This weekend..

I have been a happy, lucky camper.
I had three free meals over the weekend: Wendy's for lunch at Steve's, Chinatown for dinner with weird, zany Chinese landlady and homemade lasagna at Juanita's just now.

I also managed to:
1) Watch Joe's 3 Extremes, Oldboy and Paranoid Park (reviews later if rajin)
2) Finish my script
3) Submit my documentary
4) Shot-list for Steve's film next week, in which I will be shooting

However, I did not :
1) Clean up the fridge which is an uber mess with empty plastic bags
2) Do my weekly grocery shopping
3) Go to the gym
4) Do my laundry - hence now I'm re-wearing worn clothes

I found a gem amidst Little Italy/Chinatown - it is a fully furnished closet.. I mean, room, for 675USD - to be shared with a Swedish actor (how very convenient!) and only 15 minutes to school via Elizabeth St (which I very much love)

Unfortunately and sadly enough, after spending 2 hours getting acquainted with the landlady, she's giving it to a 38 year old PHD student coming from Beijing.

Sigh. So the search continues.

Bodohnya!!

Sometimes my mouth spouts out words faster before my brain can digest/comprehend.

"My pak tam besar bf is coming to stay for his spring break. Would you mind?"

"How long is he going to be here?"
"Until Friday."
"That's a week!"
"Well, no.. only from tomorrow (which is a Sunday) until Friday."
"That's like, a week!!!"
"No.. a week is like until next Sunday.. this is only until Friday. And we'll be mostly out during the day, and will only be back at night."

WELL. Who is the one taking 18 credit hours and working 14 hours a week and is hardly AT home except at night when SLEEP is required, and who is the one doing 12 credit hours with all the time in the world to go to the gym every night and take afternoon NAPS?!?!?



Memang nak lempang and say bladi hell I don't want to wake up to moaning sounds of you and your Pak Tam Besar bf making out or doing stuff you should be doing in a room (GELI SIAL) but these words came out before I even knew what I was saying.

"Um. OK."

I can only kick myself right now. And bang my head against the wall.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHH.
Like school wasn't already so stressful enough, now I have to bear Geli/Meng-psychokan Hidup Public Displays of Affection of my roomie and her Pak Tam Besar bf.

Of cold winters and grey slush.

Being sick is not the least bit fun.
At this moment all I want is to be right next to my loves back home.
:(

disappointment.

What's the immaterial substance
that envelopes two,
that one perceives as hunger
and the other as food.
I wake in tangled covers,
to a sash of snow,
you dream in a cartoon garden,
I could never know.
Innocent imitation,
of how it could be,
if when the music ended,
you did not retreat.
In my imagination,
you are cast in gold,
your image a compensation for me to hold.
Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.
Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far.
Parallel Lines - Kings of Convenience

I am weary of placing trust and hope in anyone anymore.

Horrorwitz.

I hardly speak in class because so many people have a lot more thoughts than I do, and can carefully phrase them out in more proper, understandable and efficient formats, rather than my clunky, weirdly juxtaposed structured sentences.
I would rather sit back and listen. And I happen to enjoy just sitting back, listening.

But today was an exception.
"You are the new jesus'es' in filmmaking.."
"You control how the society behaves..."

"Hollywood is 4, 5 years ahead of everyone else.." warbled the precocious Horrorwitz lady.
"For instance in the supernatural genre..."

So I got really mad and said, "Well, can you explain how is it that Hollywood is 4 or 5 years ahead when every single horror film out at this moment are bastardizations of Asian films?"

I didn't get a decent answer.

Nor did I bother paying anymore attention after that, as I engaged myself in a heated debate (in my head) whether it would be a greasy but very yummy plain cheese slice from Mercato or Javaworks' transfat-free, healthy chicken-avocado sandwich for lunch.

Procrastinating Project 1.

My baby Gondry, 11+ months. I miss him like you can't imagine :(

Rajin Tetibe.

My second pair of $29.95 Payless boots gave away again yesterday night. Memang tension, because now I have to walk around in my Chuck Taylors yang rabak and berlubang.

Sedih, okkay.

Anyway yesterday night was hilarious, Indian food/lemon-mint shisha/green tea in Queens and perjumpaan Persatuan Budak2 Malaysia -- it's really good to tear myself away from school/classmates sometimes, and not be around ignorant Americans (Malaysia? Maaalaaysia. Eee bongok!) and be around all things familiar.

I made an interesting relevation of a particular blog I have been (almost) religiously reading of late, I think I actually managed to figure who the person is. Amazingly enough, reading his writings and observations through his secret online identity has completely changed my perception of him in real life. In a good way, of course.

I've just realized I will never be able to write happy/clappy scripts or stories. I sat down with my writing teacher last week and he told me, "I watched your last film, and you have this thing, ah.. for all things dark and gothic?" after reading my 7-minute adaptation script about a sculptor who does something really really bad to her college sweetheart (who ended up marrying someone else and leaves her in mighty depression, leading to a tragic ending) Even I don't understand my obsession with all things sordid and macabre.

Bising gile orang tengok Superbowl malam ni. Another American obsession I don't (and won't) comprehend.

happiness!

Secretly, I have been hoping that my film would be picked in one of the 10 from the New York class to be shown to Tisch Asia in Singapore (just to show that Malaysians can kick some serious ass). They got my name spelled wrongly in the programme, but who cares!

(all of this, after getting an amazing belated birthday package with a handmade birthday card from the bestest boyfriend in the world, back home)

*BIG STUPID GRIN*

whoop-ass!

Only because I am only allowed to be self indulgent in my own confined space and time, and because I really really like my colors, Kings of Convenience and how good my actor looks like in it, despite the comment about "the overwhelming score and virtuoso (a nicer way of saying OTT) performance of a person showing that he is really, really angry" I got in class.



I am really annoyed about EITS playing in KL before they come to New York in April too.
Ish, everyone wants to become indie nowadays. Bosan aku.

le sigh.

My Green Eyes, he is, and I love him now even more so.




I am getting more and more disappointed with people around me. I hate having too many expectations, because when they fall short, I get extremely disappointed to a point where I get aggravated, annoyed, and hurt beyond words :(

I don't understand how people can be so selfish at times. Or maybe it's just me and my childishness in wanting to believe that every gesture of sincerity or kindness will be favours returned. Unfortunately for me, that's hardly ever the case.

I set up the lights, operated the camera, had to use the lav mic, did everything on my own. And that's so super difficult when I'm trying to direct an actor to get a genuine performance simultaneously. Extremely difficult, because everything comes into play - you suddenly have to be aware of everything else and get distracted from the main task at hand (which is why i want to become a cinematographer so much more than a director!!!)

I already don't like my new crew. I don't.
And editing my exercise, hmm. Ed's boyfriend Jared is just dripping with hotness. Like, extreme hotness.

Mind you, that's my classmate Edward's boyfriend.
Le sigh.

bump.

Waking up feeling empty is not a good feeling.
Holding back tears when your whole body is shaking profusely in silent sobs is not a good feeling.

I don't ever want to remember how it feels like not being in love.
A bump.
A small one, this will be.

Hopefully.

:(

goodbye my winter wonderland!

5 weeks of untold bliss - painstakingly beautiful days of lounging in bed with endless tv streaming, tastebud tickling cuisine of all sorts of origin and taste, wonderful company of new and pleasant friends and of course, nights of fitful sleep next to the most adorable, squishy furball - Baby.

I can't tell you how much I wish this could have lasted longer (although I would have rot into a pile of squidgy mush by the end of it) but here's to endless months of willing myself in the sheer gates of (academia) hell.

Technically I am already 24 (well I believe I was born Malaysian time) and mmm, somehow it doesn't feel that different. However, this arrived in my aparment last Friday, and when I opened the box up I almost cried - a dozen of pink roses for my birthday! The possibly most sweetest thing he could ever do, which makes me love him even more!!

'Til summer break looms by!

things that make going to film school..

Completely rewarding. And fulfilling :)

After yesterday's traumatizing near-i'm-going-to-quit-film-school experience, I was extremely reluctant to shoot for my classmate/spring semester crewmate Kiel. My poor shoulders were still aching from Sunday's shoot, and I wasn't looking forward to a 6 hour long shoot. But his subject matter was interesting - a blind painter from Visions Service for the Blind (on 23rd St and 7th Ave) who taught and assisted an entire class of visually impaired students the art of 'light painting' - which is somewhat similar to light trails. Capturing light trails is fairly simple (if your camera allows you to slow your shutter speed down to say, a minute and beyond) The camera is placed on the tripod (and not to be moved at any time during the shoot) in a room where all lights are switched off, and right after the release button is pressed, you make all these drawings with colored flashlights. This picture of an angel I took using my Canon EOS300V for an assignment in photography class back in MMU (with my drummer Wanie as a model, which she so, so hated to be) pales in comparison to what the talented artists from Visions made. The images that Steve and his fellow cohorts composed were so much more deep in meaning and thoughtful in composition, and for a bunch of blind people they were SO creative, using nets, Christmas sprinkles, aluminium foil, knitting needles and whatnots to create interesting textures and layers. In short, I had amazing fun documenting their class, it was such an experience. It really gave me a hard knock on reality... I mean here I was, whining, freaking out and not wanting to eat the whole day of yesterday (a pathetic attempt of rebelling against the workings of the world), and there they were, some on the brink of completely losing sight and some already not being able to see participating in an activity that you'd never imagine them being able to do.

They weren't a sad bunch of blind people either. They were hilariously funny, cracking jokes at each other and seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves...

*sighs in content*

And Kiel let me shoot everything while he operated the boom mike. That makes me so happy (because I love being behind the camera) Working with Kiel was also great, because as a director he definitely knew what he wanted (besides also knowing what to aperture to use, whether to turn on gain or not..) For the price of a 6-7 hour shoot, I got a free dinner at Olive Garden - very yummy (and pricey) Italian food! Samina came over to join us and we had the most exquisite chocolate cake which literally melted in my mouth *drools* Even Ms Read's delicious Classic Chocolate Cake can't top it...

My roomate came back yesterday, at 1am. Today we talked a bit, mainly about the situation in her country Pakistan - which is becomingly increasingly tragic and sad, where people are losing faith in their own country. As ignorant as I am about my own country, I really wouldn't want it to crumble in any way.

Sigh.
On a more superficial note, I absolutely LOVE this season of Project Runway. Christian is one of my favourites (after Kevin, but he got voted off last week...) and hello, did anyone think that Ricky should have gone instead of Kit?? His plain, ugly babydoll dresses have never been anything more than just plain eyesores!!!

I'll be starting my crummy digital library job next week!!! I honestly hope to be earning enough to buy meself a ticket home for the summer. And I watched Juno (ok Ellen Page is cute, but it's hardly what you could call.. spectacular) and Atonement (it started off beautifully, but I don't understand why Keira Knightley is being hailed by the critics for her *yawn* performance... when Saoirse Ronan, the actress who plays 13 year old Briony Tallis WAAAYYY overshadowed Keira's snotty-as-a-prick character Cecilia)

I'll be turning 24 in FOUR DAYS. THE ABSOLUTE HORROR.
Hence I best be off, for night is no longer young for very old me.

the most whacked out morning ever!

There are uncountless times that I have wondered to myself, "What the effing hell am I doing in film school?". Usually these thoughts occur at very specific times - when I had to work with a mat salleh bengong (a filthy rich 27 year old living out of his parents money) who didn't have any TACT or common courtesy in talking to people in general, when I was asked to do 10 million things simultaneously on a single shoot and of course - when I have to freeze my ass in the biting cold for hours and hours.

How the weather can be so very unkind!! So Steve and I set off to midtown at 2.45am to film his documentary subject, these Greek guys who man a coffee cart (whose food and iced coffee in general I have grown to love so much - cheap AND filling) They were supposed to be there by at least 3.45am, so we got there almost 50 minutes earlier. I honestly didn't understand why we needed to be there so early, but knowing Steve (who turns up an hour before class starts) I really couldn't say much. I had bundled up as much as I could have (2 freaking sweaters, a jacket, thermals) but needless to say it was just too cold to be standing out waiting around. Of course, I stood still, thinking of warm, toasty thoughts while laughing and responding to him politely through gritted teeth (when honestly I really wanted to yell and curse and scream and strangle his neck for making me go through this horrible, horrible experience) Then maybe he came to his senses that we shouldn't be out waiting in the cold so we walked to Waldorf Astoria to warm up (for like a measly 10 minutes) before going back, and this time the coffee cart guys came and he started shooting. And I have never felt so cold in my life, my fingers and toes were just numb. But I didn't want to seem like a brat so I held on in the mother-effing cold until I couldn't take it anymore!!!

To cut the story short, let's just say I stayed in their van to warm up, and in the end both of us walked to Grand Central to hang around until people actually started coming to the cart. We sat down against a wall in the middle of freaking Grand Central and while 1200000 New Yorkers filled in and out to get about their daily lives, we fell asleep with our mouths hanging open, and couldn't have cared any less.

PRODUCTIVE.

Which is exactly what my week has been!
Of course it had to start with anxiety attacks on Monday, since I was still stuck in a rut on deciding the subject matter for my 5 minute documentary.. I mean I had a couple of ideas, but none of which were good or interesting enough. I had contemplated over psychics.. since there is a smattering bunch of them around the city (more like one in almost every other block) West Village Psychic, SoHo Psychic, East Village Psychic.. OK so I finally went to one and paid USD10 for a 5 minute palm read (and she was so boring and generic... "You're going to have a long, prosperous life with two strong children!") so that totally killed my intentions of making them my subject matter!!

But on Friday I MET MICHEL GONDRY and what an AMAZING FANTASTIC experience that was. The man is not only a pure brilliant genius but also funny and eccentric, so I absolutely cannot wait for his new film, Be Kind Rewind. There's Jack Black and Mos Def in it, and it's premiering in Sundance before it opens in cinemas this February!!! Cannot. WAITTTTTT!

Hmmm I seem to be ending my sentences with a lot of exclamation marks!!! This is what I get from not reading or writing much anymore!!!!!
Heee.

Anyway I just got back from watching KT Tunstall live at the Apple Store in SoHo and boy, she sounds really good live. As good as she does in her records, I might say!! And she sang most songs from her old album, which I love so much (and I'm really honestly not into girl-guitarist-singers) because mmm well because it makes me remember a period of my life last year.. and a couple of other songs from Drastic Fantastic which I don't really like because it's too pop!!!

MMMMM OK I seem to be rambling, but whatever. Last night we had a really stupid fight about something I wrote on his facebook wall. It makes me so mad that he's embarrassed about something so silly and mindlessly innocent!! Like why the hell should he even care (but he does) so I hung up the phone on him out of spite (seems that I've been doing that a lot lately)

ERGHHHHHHHH of course we made up but still it makes me really angry whenever I think about it.
Grr.

"You're so complicated!"
Well NOW you know!

Other than that, HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY to my BFF EIDA!!! May this year bring more happiness, love, success and a paid round-trip to UK.
MWACKS!

apprehensions 2.

With all the free time that I have on my hands now, I have ample time to actually go to the gym in dire hopes of working out (since I am getting older and in need of some physical stamina... and also due to my better half's constant persuasion of, "you can't be 50 and then suddenly want to run!")

But anyways, I beg to digress. After my short 30 minute run/walk on the threadmill, I ran into a near-shock-pengsan almost experience while in women's locker room to get my (new and cheap, thanks to Filene's Basement) gym bag and saw a mass of (pubic) crowning glory belonging to one lucky lady.

Of course, I didn't stare, but it was so odd. I'd never been around another (stark) naked woman in my life, what more to have my first encounter with an (American) stranger. So taken back was I, that I forgot where the exit from the locker room was. Sheesh.

Other than that, I have absolutely no progress on my documentary (in which I am already a sizzling piece of meat by now). 12 more days to class!! (that also means 12 more days to turning a year older, SOB)

OK! Back to researching interesting characters of Gotham City!

PS/ Across The Universe bored me out of my socks. Once, despite its raw and gritty lo-finess floored me instaneously. The exhaustingly gratifying There Will Be Blood had me in a slight yawn (oil and Daniel Day Lewis? Ermmm...maybe not). Adaptation? Charlie Kaufman is a downright genius, and to throw in the the formulaic Robert McKee (Hollywood screenwriting so- called 'guru') in it was an indefinite scream. Netflix rocks!

AAAAAAAAAAH!

New Year's was okay, with an impressive 15 minute display of fireworks after trudging in the cold in Central Park. Yesterday was rather productive with a 30 minute run in the gym and a weird gig in Mercury Lounge at night. But ok, malas nak cerita panjang-panjang bende yang tak penting, because MICHEL GONDRY will be in the SoHo Apple Store next week!!! That's 15 minutes away from where I live and I will be damned if I can't go see this crazy brilliant man in person.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

hehe dah. ok bai!

Another chapter closed.

It's 4pm and I'm laying stomach down on my bed, trying to nurse cramps that come unknowingly once in a month. I hope I'll be better by tonight, because I'll be watching fireworks from Central Park if everything goes well. It would've been a more apt first Big Apple new year's in Times Square, but just listening to horror stories about having to camp out 10 hours earlier just to count the seconds down to 2008 inevitably crossed it out as even an option.

But anyways.
I don't usually do new year's celebrations. I don't even remember what I did last year, I think I probably just stayed at home. In 2005 I was at a rock gig in this art gallery in the middle of KL. Hmm. But that's about it.

Just felt the need to look back on the year before the clock strikes 12am, and the curtain is closed on 2007. I guess it's been good, so far... I know I've made so many life changing decisions that have affected me throughout, but I wouldn't go back and change anything. Well maybe except that one particular incident.

After 3 and a half months of interning in KLue writing mindless articles/socialising/picking up calls and stuffing envelopes, being in McCann-Erickson for 8 solid months was truly a learning experience which I wouldn't trade it for anything else. I guess it was a love and hate relationship with my first real job, but I did learn a lot. From dealing with people and picking out my battles - I'd like to think that I've grown up, having a job that made me feel slightly more important that I'd take myself. And being able to work with award-winning advertising creatives was of course mind-blowing, and I honestly thought my path was set.

I cried like an idiot on my last day. If I have to pick one of the hardest decisions that I had to make in my life, that would have been it.
I hated leaving - because I feel that I still have so much passion for advertising, and I didn't get enough time to prove my actual worth.

But I knew I needed to make this move for myself.

Just for the sake of remembering:
Seeing him for the first time at that Red Kebaya screening in December 2006,
Getting annoyed with him when he introduced himself the first time I came over his studio for a recording ("are you the Malay writer?" "NO. Grr")
Him standing in line for hours getting my Muse tickets in January, watching 300 together and the rest I would say,
is history.

Despite being able to come to NY to polish and learn the craft of my other love - filmmaking -
I'd still say he's the best thing that happened to me throughout the year.


And that, that I wouldn't change for anything.

Au revoir two oh-oh-seven!
You shall be sorely missed.

El Orfanato by Juan Antonio Bayona

It is 2am. Drowsiness is slowly sinking in, and might cloud certain judgments on this very breathtakingly, beautifully shot film.

But anyways.
This still from El Orfanato somehow manages to capture the essence of the film - a sordid tale of love and lost woven in intricate, extremely well crafted cinematography. Lush and sweeping, such artistic imagery - I found myself gasping in awe, and anticipating in agony almost. Such amazing visual pleasure it was, that most of the times, it outshone the very basic building block of narrative filmmaking, and that which is, the storytelling.

Laura (played convincingly by Spanish actress Belén Rueda) is a mother of an adopted HIV-positive child Simon. Together with her doctor husband Carlos, they move into an old mansion by the sea, which she as a orphan child herself grew up in. The house has been painstakingly remodeled as a home to less fortunate children, whom Laura plans to take care of. But as the big welcoming day looms, her son Simon starts acting strange.

Of course she thinks that he's just playing games and making all the childish stories up to mask his insecurity about having other children coming into the house to live with him. But when he goes missing on the big opening day, Laura becomes convinced that the house bears a sinister secret, which she must discover in time to save her only child.

I do admit, it is a good premise, and there is no build-up to cheap shocks or thrills that are used so abundantly in most films in this genre. When there is a scare it hits the nail right on the head, and I literally jumped in my seat (which I seldom or never do, ever!) However, once 'SIX MONTHS LATER' appears on screen, the strong emotional and psychological experience it wants to create start wearing thin.

Which is, in all honesty is not a good thing. I remember in writing class, Michael Burke stressed so strongly about being able to hook your audience with every scene - meaning every scene should make your viewers anticipate for the next one, and get involved emotionally so that they care enough to want to watch your film to the end. El Orfanato has a good start before the timeline is screwed, but hmmm... maybe I'm just not a big fan of timeline jumps (they annoy the hell out of me) However, the story picks up pace (in between CRAZY BEAUTIFUL, UNNECESSARY SCENES like the 300-esque underwater shots with Laura swimming, random Super8 sequences of the children who lived in the house, infrared footages of the medium trying to get in touch with the other worldly occupants - TOTALLY mish mashing the film's camera aesthetics and stylistic consistency) finally hits its high note with a shocking reveal to the discovery of Simon in the end.

(and this was despite its eerie resemblance to last final scenes of Nakata Hideo's The Ring-every horror film since seems to be an homage to this rare Japanese gem in YEARS. Hmm.)

That made the $11.50 ticket price worth every penny (that's RM40, now doesn't the thought of that just hurt). But of course that particular "hmmm, maybe this film isn't so bad afterall" feeling had to be marred by two additional scenes which gave the entire film an 'up' ending ('up' simply means positive, meaning you leave the cinema hall never to think about the story you just paid a whopping RM40 for, a 'down' ending is the exact opposite - you get mad because the ending was not what you expected hence you leave the cinema hall feeling aggravated, and an 'ambiguous' ending is an open ended closure to film sort of? leading to hour long discussions and debates over teh-tariks or flamboyant NY flavoured teas, whichever tickles your fancy)

I'm still annoyed.
Next on my list - the Coen brothers' No Country for Old Men, the first American film I'm going to watch in the cinema after Lust, Caution (Chinese), The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Persepolis (both in French respectively) and El Orfanato (Spanish).

I wonder how hard it is to make it here, being a minority and foreigner. But Ang Lee cracked it and he is a Tisch graduate alum, so there must be hope.
Or isn't there?

i am grossing out myself..

by staying in bed for the past 48 hours.

I have done absolutely NOTHING productive that it's beginning to scare the wits out of me! I felt that I sort of needed time to readjust my body and mind after the exhausting shoot on a second year film in Jersey all through out last week, but now doing nothing is just driving me berserk.

No, really.

:(

The shoot was intense, but all four days consisted of interior shots around a nice, big house in Little Silver, New Jersey. It took me 15 minutes from home to Penn Station, and another hour and a half to get to location, but I guess it was all worth it because I did learn a whole new spectrum of things, especially about lighting. The crew and cast were a fun bunch, food was good, there wasn't much pressure involved although I was AC (camera assistant, right hand man to the director of photography) so I'd say it was a good winter break working gig, although the only thing that disturbed me the most was walking along 4th West subway train station to reach my apartment to the sight of this at 3am!!!

Absolutely freaky, no? It was in a window display from the Kimmel Student Centre I think, which featured various random works of art.
Well anyway, after catching up on sleep on Sunday morning, I went out for dinner at Mara's Homemade - a Cajun restaurant (southern/soul food) with Ummi and Ruth (a Malaysian and Singaporean who just graduated from Parsons last year, and are now designers) and an annoying PJ boy they picked up along the way. It was drizzling and I was feeling slightly light headed due to over-sleeping, and they had been there half an hour before I got there and ordered an appetizer which looked like fried chicken/fish but guess what it was?

GATOR MEAT.
Like, alligator. Those ugly, long snouted creatures which lurk in swamps and strangle their preys before swallowing them whole. I only had one bite before having them tell me it was gator meat. (Lindsay, in a phone call later, asked me, "Wow, is that even halal?") The rest of the food, which came with a hefty price tag was pretty good - roasted chicken, turkey and meat, and a fantabulously delish shrimp thing soaked in glorious buttery sauce, which we dipped bread in. Later we hung around a hookah lounge somewhere in the Lower East Side - a hookah is basically what would be known as shisha back home (which is something I don't enjoy very much, I totally remember back in MMU, Bob and Wanie persuaded Yan and me to try it at Uncle Don's in Hartamas, which resulted in headaches right after).

So the next day we were supposed to hang out some more because Joon, the annoying PJ boy was in NY from Oregon for two weeks, and wanted to go sight seeing so Ummi thought it would be a good idea to bring him around 5th Ave, where Gucci, Coach and all the big name stores were located at. But apparently Ruth had been arrested that morning since she bumped into a cop on the way down the stairs in a subway station and was detained in a detention cell somewhere in Canal Street, so Ummi had to correspond with the Singaporean consulate to get her out of it, without having to post a bail which would have cost $10 000. I mean, how ridiculous is that?! Cops in NY are really intimidating, and it makes me really mad that some of them are minorities with the need to abuse their power to insure some sort of security or standing in the society. Last two weeks Eirik, my classmate woke up with a big metal gun pointing at his face at 6am (in his own home!!!) because he had forgotten to close his front door shut, and the neighbours thought his apartment had been broken in, and alerted the cops. If it were me I'd been crying like an idiot, but these two people just laughed and scoffed it off (on separate occasions) with Eirik saying, "It was exciting for me, now I know how the society works here!" and Ruth's "I really didn't mind if they had wanted to deport me back to Singapore!!"

So while waiting for Ruth to be released we had cheap sushi at St. Mark's (in the East Village) and had wanted to go to Teany Cafe (owned by Moby) for cakes but it was closed! So we ended up going to the Cake Shop instead, a retro/rock inspired vegan cake plus record store shop for chocolate cake!!

The next day was Christmas, and I was all pumped up to go ice-skating in Bryant Park, but when I got there the line was snaking and nobody wanted to wait in the cold, so we went to watch Persepolis, an animated feature length film which I have been waiting for since forever!!! Persepolis follows the life of Marjane Satrapi (director/writer/artist who drew the graphic novels) who went through the Iranian revolution. I really liked the off-beat humor, but in some ways it was portraying Islam in harsh light (perhaps because that time the Islamic fundamentalists were in reign after the fall of the Shah) And for Christmas, the cinema was FULL. Another thought to ponder upon, NYC was full of merry-makers which consisted of foreigners and tourists who were all eager to get a piece of this city while the rest of the bonafide dwellers were indoors Christmas carolling and drinking eggnog and whatnots.

Rest aside, I am really getting tired of just staying in bed, because it's sort of getting into me right now - the dizzy spells and harrowing light flashes and blackouts. Hopefully I'll get to do something productive tomorrow - like scour Chinatown for ingredients to make nasi lemak, or a good hour long run in the gym and find time to catch The Orphanage at Sunshine Cinema later during the day!! It's a new horror film by upcoming Spanish director Juan Antonio Bayona, and produced by Guillermo Del Toro, who directed Pan's Labyrinth (which I watched on the boyfriend's computer because I overslept the night we were supposed to go the cinema to watch it, and how horrifyingly disturbing and beautiful, that was)

Ah! But I also want to watch Coppola's Youth without Youth and the new Coen brothers film, No Country for Old Men! So many movies to watch, yet so little money :( But yes, horror films will always get top priority in my list!! What makes it even harder is living 5 minutes away from Angelika and 10 minutes away from Sunshine Cinema (art house/indie theaters) and 15 minutes from Regal Union (which I've never been to yet, because that's for your usual popcorn mainstream fare)

Watched Knocked Up yesterday, and honestly speaking I've lost interest in watching mainstream comedy flicks. They're just so boring and there's no plot twist or resolution which ultimately results in the lack of viewing satisfaction. Sighness.

Off to terrorize the little kitty for now, until I fall asleep. Toodles!

winter break and whatnots.

School is officially out, and this is what I've been currently listening to. Not exactly what I would say indie, or imaginative, but it's decent... at the very most. With evaluations of my first NYU film falling somewhat short below expectations, the weekend ended in an almost drunken stupor: the awkward prom/potluck do in Brooklyn, the lavish dinner party in midtown Manhattan and 1st Year MOS Marathon (where everyone in the class screened their films).

Standing in the lounge after the screening yesterday after exchanging Secret Santa gifts, the moment sort of passed me in a blur - people laughing and talking and drinking and toasting and dear God has it really been 4 months?

I felt myself drowning almost, in an uncertain sea of mixed feelings, and complete oblivion. This is the life I have subjected myself into, this is what it will look like in many, many years to come, should God permit me to live that long.

Humm.

Four hours later I find myself walking idly along the isles of Morton Williams, picking out ice-cream and sour cream and onion rippled chips - feeling completely at ease and in peace. Strange how the most insignificant and overlooked upon event of my mundane life can become the source of comfort in this strangely alien city.

I really, really miss home.

:(

But here's the bundle of white, furry joy that I'll have for the next three weeks. Her name is Baby, and she is as playful and as hyper as Gondry back home. But of course, Gondry is way cuter with his fat schmucky face and round pity-me eyes (with the exception of his incessant need to be fed at 5am every morning)


As the lead actress of my film would say, "besos!"

removed.

The past two weeks have been such madness, and the feelings of desolation are sort of closing in on me, if that makes any sense at all.

Maybe it is just me, but people seem colder, and it is hard not to feel 'removed'. I find myself not wanting to talk and connect with people anymore. Because the slightest exchange of words/favors/kindness appear more superficial than ever before - and I despise that, that awful gush of insincerity that appears so crystal in their eyes, as much as their mouth (and body) will to mask it.

One thing I've understood now is that I WILL NEVER EVER ask people for help anymore. It's hard enough being here alone, life just gets more miserable when I can't depend on anyone (or anything for that matter) for help, or support.

It makes me sick, and if it wasn't for Steve with his genuine emails of concern and daily conversations with my better half hundreds of thousands of miles away,
I think I would have crumbled underneath all this rubble of peer pressure, and the need to please others.

And at this point I use all of my courage and will power to believe in God more than anything else, that these are merely tests for greater things to come.

God is Great, and He is the Most Merciful.

mondays full of doom and gloom.

"Even if you make the worst film, they won't take you down to a basement and shoot you up!"
Professor Charles Blackwell in location sound class today, regarding the impending evaluations.

And that totally cracked me up, taking away some worrying thoughts driven by ugly, jealous emotions. Honestly sometimes I surprise myself, I say a lot of things about being able to have trust in my boyfriend yet this green eyed envy snake of mine rears its ugly head ever so often, creating unwanted ruckus on otherwise calm waters.

I'm glad that's sorted out, although the question of trust should never be brought up when you're trying to sustain a relationship halfway across the fucking globe.

rindu.

Last Sunday Daniel called and I got to talk to him and Marie. I've been missing them so much that the whole of last week I had endless dreams of how life used to be back then - the same old faces, the yuppie weekend hang outs...

*SOB*
Rindu ok. RINDU GILE KAT M'SIA..
Ni yang rase cam nak balik rumah ni.

:(

fading into oblivion.

"Have you read any Malaysian news at all? Did you hear about the protest rally?"

"You mean the perhimpunan haram?"

"Where do you get your news?"

"Er.. utusan.com.my?"

"Utusan Melayu?!?!?"

Erm. OK. So I have been completely OBLIVIOUS about Perhimpunan Bersih which had hundreds of thousands of people romping the streets of KL last Saturday for freedom of fair election. Now, watching clips on Youtube (two different, biased coverages by Al-Jazeera and RTM/TV3) it's almost too shocking a scene... because these people who turned up to show support weren't the minorities but the majority MALAYS.

And here I am living in my little bubble... thinking what an AMAZING documentary that could have been.
Sigh.

Speaking of which, I think I am fading. Fast.

the highs and lows.

It has been a week of constant contemplations.

1) Housing rent - $2135.01
2) Digital transfer of 1509 ft of 16mm film - $551.10
3) Total cost of production (food, transportation, miscellaneous) - $1023.10

Watching my footage for the first time was heartbreaking at the very least. I mean I am glad that it was all perfectly exposed and focused, but framing and composition were just beyond my (agitated) comprehension. I'm not even sure if I'll have enough usable material to tell a story! That it costs so damn expensive for a measly four minute short film made me rethink the reason I'm here at all - whether it is really worth spending all this money and having to persistently rely on my parents for extra cast to be able to have a place to sleep and come home to, when I can't even perform my very best. It's so disheartening, this feeling - like I've been a complete (and extremely expensive) failure.

I look at pictures of people within that exclusive circle and can't help but wish that I was still back in there, trying to make something out of myself. It's weird how I've been having dreams of going home and going back to that job, meeting my old boss and sitting at my old desk with that ratty old computer, stressing over the mountain load of work (that I secretly enjoyed - 'now that is the creative challenge!' the Queen B of my Art Director used to say) It wasn't THAT bad... I mean I was getting a good raise, had great colleagues at last (after 2 months of solitary lunches) and what could have been better than to be with my boyfriend in his studio for hours at once, for the solid excuse of (professional) work?

Sigh.

Amidst all those thoughts, the day became better when Leo, Steve, Lindsay and Eirik came over and asked me to come along for an early dinner, and since Steve had been prodding on about having an all American breakfast, we decided over Washington Square Diner - where I had the best pancakes EVER (with a side order of scrambled eggs and turkey bacon!!) On the way for more drinks at Applebar we stumbled upon this bus which was modelled like a quaint cottage, with wooden panellings and was playing weird folklore music. I was completely at unease, dubious of the people in the bus who were preaching about unity and peace and everyone living in absolute harmony... if you've ever watched M. Night Shyamalan's 'The Village', well that's how those people looked (and behaved, and talked) like. A few more rounds at Applebar and a half-drunk Mr. John Tintori the Chair coming over to proclaim, "Oh, that four minute film, it's such a stupid exercise we make you guys do, with both hands tied!" I was stuffed, tired, and not overly happy but not as depressed (or comtemplative) as before.

Sigh.
That aside, I miss him so, very very much at this point. I honestly don't know what I would do without him right now - it really doesn't matter anymore that he's halfway across the world in a different time zone and space. For him to be able to just sit and listen to me cry and whine about how I thought the world was coming to an end because my footage sucked, and ramble nonsensical about wanting to just pack up and go home at 4 o'clock in the morning (his time) after a long, stressful day at work without flinching or stifling a yawn - he is everything that I could ever ask for, and more.

"Gondry says hi!"
and how could I possibly not crack a stupid grin.

Now if I can only scrap enough money watch Broken Social Scene live at the Webster Hall next week, life wouldn't be as half miserable as it already is.
And if only is he was here to come with me, life could be at least half tolerable.

life and everything else.

Ok, so it has been a while, but it has been two depressing weeks of standing in the cold, freezing My ass off for a good 12 hours being being insulted, ridiculed, made to do 10 gazillion things simultaneously, AND expected not to be pissy/pms-y/passive-aggressive.

Oh and my shoot went fantabulously UNORGANIZED thanks to:
1) me not being able to finish storyboarding because i was too busy shading and making my drawings look pretty as opposed to actually locking down important key moments/frames
2) having a person who regales in tactlessness, self indulgence and absolute IGNORANCE as a camera assistant
3) the lack of proper scheduling skills

On top of that, everything else is just downright depressing. this whole production period has been so utterly depressing and traumatizing that even the first attempted racial assault I encountered (while walking back home from dinner in absolute tears because it had been such a horrible, horrible day and i had to be reminded about what I was missing with the very public display of affection between a crewmate and his visiting girlfriend) didn't even make me bat a single eyelash.

Other than that, I have learnt how to entertain myself in long, boring subway train rides (because they're all underground, there isn't much of a window to look out at to get lost in happy, cheery thoughts). Making funny faces at other people's kids, observing how New Yorkers dress to get it down to a pat (black, black and black) and of course, bitching silly with Steve and Lindsay.

I also had a girl in a mohawk of shocking pink and blonde yelling in defense for me when a man wouldn't budge when i was about to get off the train, even after I'd mumbled countless of "excuse me"s. She pushed him off the train and shoved me gently on my way, and screamed to him, "Move you useless bugger, what are you, fucking racist?!" so loudly that her voice practically echoed in the walls of the 42nd st MTA station.

Ah, Gotham City. 2 months and a half, I'm beginning to fall in love.
(Yes, even after witnessing my first drug deal in Washington Square Park)

random thoughts.

It is 9am and I can't seem to squash these queasy qualms in my stomach.
I am scared shitless.

On just about everything.

Looking at pictures of friends, acquaintances and random strangers going through 'that' phase in life I wonder if I'm missing out. Eventually I want to be able to be in that realm of holy matrimonial bliss too, but I wonder if I am ready to let go of this. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I don't really know. But I do know for sure that if I just jumped into the bandwagon I wouldn't be able to give it my full attention. And I want to be the best.

Wife, mother, soul mate.

So I'm taking the road less travelled by.

2 more days to the Big Shoot.

If my 4 minute, 16mm black and white silent film looks anywhere near as good as this, I'll lose every single bit of regret I had coming here.

Paula and Patrick have such chemistry it's almost scary.

Now if I can just get back to my storyboards..
Ah, ANTM awaits.

That should take a while.

selamat hari raya. maaf zahir batin.

its 10pm, and almost the end of the hari raya. i've been having classes all long, so i missed the whole raya thing they had at the malaysian consulate earlier this morning.

honestly i thought i would not mind this at all, being alone on hari raya, but it kinda stinks. i'm going to cook myself dinner, watch ANTM, and probably curl into a ball, and cry myself to sleep.

well.
selamat hari raya people.. and maaf zahir batin.

rough and tough love @ think (cafe)

Bethesda Terrace, Central Park - I absolutely cannot wait to shoot here!

Hello.
I haven't exactly had much time to write due to this painful process called 'casting'. It's already painful trying to get professional actors to come audition for your film, it's even more painful when you're trying to get professional actors to come audition for your film for FREE. And dropping by Steve's casting last week, it's amazingly suprising how most of these actors look absolutely NOTHING like their headshots, which make the process altogether just beyond difficult.

SIGH. I have less than 2 weeks before my shoot and nothing is locked down or confirmed. My script's even being revised as I write... it's bad enough that I'm not an American native, its worse that New York is like a big, alien blob of a mess just waiting to swallow me. What better way to get my hands and feet wet I guess - and at the same time discover the goods (Forever21, the Apple store) and bad (more crazy drunkards and homeless people). It's been a tad easier for the last two weekends too.. I mean last week my shoot was an absolute flop but Lindberg said, "clever camera work".. which I found was just weird, but pleasing anyway. And yesterday we shot one film as a group, and everyone was sort of losing steam.. I mean, we met at 9.30am and finished by 12pm! But I went to scout for locations with Steve since I couldn't go back to my apartment.. since my roomate not only had her boyfriend over, but also 4 other guys and 2 girls!!! I was so annoyed because I went up to my apartment to get some cables that I forgot to be able to use the sound rig we checked out yesterday, and my door was locked... and she had told me the night before only two girls were sleeping over, and to my horror all 7 or 8 of them were sprawled on the floor. Even when I got home at 4 everyone was still there, and I really felt like crying because I wish she could have been a bit more sensitive! I couldn't use the bathroom and even praying was awkward!! *sobs* Of course being me I didn't say anything but pulled a long, moody face which I hope gave her a rough idea that I wasn't comfortable with her having all those friends hanging over the apartment.

Since Eirik would be shooting my film I sort of felt obliged to go to his party that night, and it was reaaaaally fun. Lindsay and me took the 1 train to 159th Street, its sort of near Harlem but not really. The streets are wider and it looks a bit dodgy, but his apartment is massive and really, really nice. I got home at around 3am (which surprisingly upset the boyfriend back home) but I thought it was worth taking time out from the apartment where I wouldn't have been able to get any privacy at all.

I really have to get back to my script because I've been at think.cafe for over and hour and my iced mocha is getting diluted and icky tasting. my roomate's boyfriend changed the wireless router in my apartment so now it's not working which just adds to my annoyance, and my macbook has only so little battery power left. Oh! I met Shuraifa and Khatriza, the other Malaysians who go to Steinhardt for buka puasa last Friday night and talked for over 3 hours in Starbucks. I mean its good to meet people out of my class and not be talking about... film. Yeah. I still don't have any plans for Raya this Saturday too.

Sighhhhhhhh.